Neighbor kids birthday parties

My boys are 8 and 5, the neighbor boys are 9 and 5. We recently
celebrated my boys birthdays together. The neighbors came and had fun.
The always come over even univited. My issue is that their birthdays
are coming up and the neighbor mom has informed me that the older boy
wants to invite all the kids from school (both classes - close to 40
kids ) so there is no room for my boys to attend - she also said that
if enough kids can't come THEN they would be able to attend, but she is
sure that won't happen. Or they can wait til April for her younger
sons birthday and they can both go to that one since he's young and
doesn't have many friends yet.

I was shocked. Then angry. I don't understand her thinking at all. I
am tempted to not allow my boys to attend the one party they will be
invited to, but I don't want to be petty. My sons think the world of
her boys. I know that my older son will be hurt that he isn't invited.


How should I handle this?

"MomHoops" wrote in message
oups.com...
My boys are 8 and 5, the neighbor boys are 9 and 5. We recently
celebrated my boys birthdays together. The neighbors came and had fun.
The always come over even univited. My issue is that their birthdays
are coming up and the neighbor mom has informed me that the older boy
wants to invite all the kids from school (both classes - close to 40
kids ) so there is no room for my boys to attend - she also said that
if enough kids can't come THEN they would be able to attend, but she is
sure that won't happen. Or they can wait til April for her younger
sons birthday and they can both go to that one since he's young and
doesn't have many friends yet.

I was shocked. Then angry. I don't understand her thinking at all. I
am tempted to not allow my boys to attend the one party they will be
invited to, but I don't want to be petty. My sons think the world of
her boys. I know that my older son will be hurt that he isn't invited.


How should I handle this?

Personally I find the situation where everyone comes from one source except
one person awkward. That person quite often becomes very high maintenance,
however easy/sociable etc. they are just because of the problem of not
knowing others.
If your son asks then I would say that it a party for the friends from
school, and it doesn't mean that they're not friends.
She probably came to tell you this so you could explain this to your son,
rather than have him thinking that he's been deliberately left out.
Maybe if you could think of it as worse if your son went and found he was
completely sidelined because the neighbour's boy was busy with his school
friends. It's not something to get upset over.
Debbie

MomHoops wrote:
My boys are 8 and 5, the neighbor boys are 9 and 5. We recently
celebrated my boys birthdays together. The neighbors came and had fun.
The always come over even univited. My issue is that their birthdays
are coming up and the neighbor mom has informed me that the older boy
wants to invite all the kids from school (both classes - close to 40
kids ) so there is no room for my boys to attend - she also said that
if enough kids can't come THEN they would be able to attend, but she is
sure that won't happen. Or they can wait til April for her younger
sons birthday and they can both go to that one since he's young and
doesn't have many friends yet.

I was shocked. Then angry. I don't understand her thinking at all. I
am tempted to not allow my boys to attend the one party they will be
invited to, but I don't want to be petty. My sons think the world of
her boys. I know that my older son will be hurt that he isn't invited.


How should I handle this?


First, don't telegraph your emotions onto your sons. It could be that
while your sons would rather be invited,it may not be a big deal to
them. Second, understand a child can invite anyone he wants and that
may not include your children. (At least that's what I tell my daughter
when these things happen.) Lastly, don't be petty on your sons' behalf -
that will surely hurt their social life, more than a few skipped
birthday parties.

It wasn't particularly tactful of the mother to inform you beforehand
that your sons weren't going to be invited to the big bash but I'm not
sure what the protocol is. Given that April is next month, she could
have just not mentioned the 9 year old's party, and sent invitations at
the appropriate time for the 5 year old's party.

Jeanne

"MomHoops" wrote in message
oups.com...
My boys are 8 and 5, the neighbor boys are 9 and 5. We recently
celebrated my boys birthdays together. The neighbors came and had fun.
The always come over even univited. My issue is that their birthdays
are coming up and the neighbor mom has informed me that the older boy
wants to invite all the kids from school (both classes - close to 40
kids ) so there is no room for my boys to attend - she also said that
if enough kids can't come THEN they would be able to attend, but she is
sure that won't happen. Or they can wait til April for her younger
sons birthday and they can both go to that one since he's young and
doesn't have many friends yet.

I was shocked. Then angry. I don't understand her thinking at all. I
am tempted to not allow my boys to attend the one party they will be
invited to, but I don't want to be petty. My sons think the world of
her boys. I know that my older son will be hurt that he isn't invited.


How should I handle this?

I agree with the others. I don't think the manner in which your neighbor
informed you of the parties was the best, but they are entitled to invite
whomever they wish. Considering they are inviting everyone from one entity,
well, your kids don't belong to that entity and that really is the best way
to spare feelings. It's a party for the school and they can't go because
they don't go to that school. I would feel more slighted on their behalf if
they were the only ones from school not invited.

"MomHoops" wrote in message
oups.com...
My boys are 8 and 5, the neighbor boys are 9 and 5. We recently
celebrated my boys birthdays together. The neighbors came and had fun.
The always come over even univited. My issue is that their birthdays
are coming up and the neighbor mom has informed me that the older boy
wants to invite all the kids from school (both classes - close to 40
kids ) so there is no room for my boys to attend - she also said that
if enough kids can't come THEN they would be able to attend, but she is
sure that won't happen. Or they can wait til April for her younger
sons birthday and they can both go to that one since he's young and
doesn't have many friends yet.

I was shocked. Then angry. I don't understand her thinking at all. I
am tempted to not allow my boys to attend the one party they will be
invited to, but I don't want to be petty. My sons think the world of
her boys. I know that my older son will be hurt that he isn't invited.


How should I handle this?


That had to hurt. Take some time to lick those wounds and then set your own
boundaries. Doesnt mean you have to be mean, but set your limits.

MomHoops wrote:
My boys are 8 and 5, the neighbor boys are 9 and 5. We recently
celebrated my boys birthdays together. The neighbors came and had fun.
The always come over even univited. My issue is that their birthdays
are coming up and the neighbor mom has informed me that the older boy
wants to invite all the kids from school (both classes - close to 40
kids ) so there is no room for my boys to attend - she also said that
if enough kids can't come THEN they would be able to attend, but she is
sure that won't happen. Or they can wait til April for her younger
sons birthday and they can both go to that one since he's young and
doesn't have many friends yet.

I was shocked. Then angry. I don't understand her thinking at all. I
am tempted to not allow my boys to attend the one party they will be
invited to, but I don't want to be petty. My sons think the world of
her boys. I know that my older son will be hurt that he isn't invited.

How should I handle this?

Take the high road. They get to set their own guest
list. You and your kids get to set your guest lists. She
should *never* have discussed a party with someone who wasn't
invited. That's just plain rude. Furthermore, her priorities
clearly show in her decision making. You and your children
get to decide what your priorities are.
If your boys get invited, you just decide whether
or not you want to go. When it comes time to issue invitations,
you all just decide whether you want to invite them. It's as
simple as that. Maybe their behavior annoys you enough that
you choose not to attend their parties and not to invite their
kids to yours, or maybe your kids still want to hang out with
them (no one's perfect, after all), but it all boils down to
whether or not your kids want to socialize with them based on
their past interactions. Life's too short to play tit-for-tat
games.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
SNIP OP
Take the high road. They get to set their own guest
list. You and your kids get to set your guest lists.

Yep

She
should *never* have discussed a party with someone who wasn't
invited. That's just plain rude.
SNIP

Wellllll ... the neighbor clearly handled it poorly, but I see where
she was going. Inevitably, the OP and her kids would have realized
that there was a mega-party going on next door, and been hurt that OP's
kids weren't invited. I'm GUESSING that the neighbor was trying, in
advance, to explain how much she wished that she could invite OP's
kids, but that she is unable to do so. It was bungled badly, but I'm
still not sure that it was a bad idea.

One thing I've found over the years with One is that he understands
this stuff a lot better than I ever did. In the situation described, I
would have been very hurt as a kid and (let's admit it) even as a
parent. One, OTOH, would understand that it was a classmate party, and
not let it affect him or his relationship with the neighbor kids one
bit. In the grand scheme of things, I think One is a lot better off
for having that attitude. So, IMHO, the OP should allow her kids to
decide, for themselves, how they feel about the situation and about
future invitations from the neighbor kids.

Barbara

Barbara wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
SNIP OP

Take the high road. They get to set their own guest
list. You and your kids get to set your guest lists.


Yep

She

should *never* have discussed a party with someone who wasn't
invited. That's just plain rude.

SNIP

Wellllll ... the neighbor clearly handled it poorly, but I see where
she was going. Inevitably, the OP and her kids would have realized
that there was a mega-party going on next door, and been hurt that OP's
kids weren't invited. I'm GUESSING that the neighbor was trying, in
advance, to explain how much she wished that she could invite OP's
kids, but that she is unable to do so. It was bungled badly, but I'm
still not sure that it was a bad idea.

Eh, at some point, when you bungle things *that* badly,
it's just plain rude. It's bad manners to discuss with someone
why you haven't invited them to something, just as it's bad manners
to fish for an invitation. If she was just dying to say *something*,
she could have said, "Bob and Sam are having their school birthday
party next Saturday and we're going to try to keep the noise down,
but you know how two classrooms full of kids can be. I hope we
won't disturb you, but if we do please let us know." You'd almost
have to be living under a rock not to know that saying "Well, if
enough people bail we might invite you, but I doubt that will
happen" is pretty offensive. And really, I think the overwhelming
majority of folks who had letting the neighbors know it wasn't
anything personal as their agenda would simply have said, "We'd
have loved to invite your kids, but it's their school class
party and I didn't want them to feel like the odd person out."
Coming at it in such a roundabout fashion seems rather odd to
me.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
And really, I think the overwhelming
majority of folks who had letting the neighbors know it wasn't
anything personal as their agenda would simply have said, "We'd
have loved to invite your kids, but it's their school class
party and I didn't want them to feel like the odd person out."

That's what I was thinking. First of all, if you are inviting
40 kids to a party, what's one or two more? And it
seems to me that the neighbor kids would have higher
priority than some of those kids. Particularly since by
9, it's pretty common *not* to invite the whole class.

So it's hard not to be insulted by this. And she made
it much worse, IMO, by telling you she wasn't inviting
you and worse still by saying she might invite your
kids later.

That said, it's just so darn convenient to have friends
close by, that I'd really try not to burn your bridges.
If your kids ask, just tell them it's a class party. And
the next time your kids have a party, well, you won't
have to feel obligated to invite the neighbor kids.

Bizby

In article , bizby40 says...


"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
And really, I think the overwhelming
majority of folks who had letting the neighbors know it wasn't
anything personal as their agenda would simply have said, "We'd
have loved to invite your kids, but it's their school class
party and I didn't want them to feel like the odd person out."

That's what I was thinking. First of all, if you are inviting
40 kids to a party, what's one or two more? And it
seems to me that the neighbor kids would have higher
priority than some of those kids. Particularly since by
9, it's pretty common *not* to invite the whole class.

So it's hard not to be insulted by this. And she made
it much worse, IMO, by telling you she wasn't inviting
you and worse still by saying she might invite your
kids later.

I agree. I would chalk it up to the neighbor being a nitwit and not take it
*too* personally. But by nine years old inviting the whole class has pretty
much gone by the wayside as far as birthday party practice. This wasn't
necessary, and the neighbor darn well knew that if she had this party and didn't
invite the neighbor boys (for whatever reason),it would be very very apparent to
the neighbors. But she went and planned it that way anyway.

Now sure, she and her son have the right to plan the party they want, but their
priorities are clear in their actions, and they can't expect warm and fuzzy
vibes coming from this from their immediate neighbor.

On the other hand, the boys themselves may have different ideas about what's
important, and even if they don't, they're likely to go on and play together.


That said, it's just so darn convenient to have friends
close by, that I'd really try not to burn your bridges.
If your kids ask, just tell them it's a class party. And
the next time your kids have a party, well, you won't
have to feel obligated to invite the neighbor kids.

True true. Good neighbor relations are extremely important and whould be
strived for whenever you can, and you don't have to be really friends to be good
neighbors. Unless it's part of a pattern of stuff, I'd let it go.

Banty (who now has two good immediate neighbors yay!)