Air head!

My turn to have help with a problem.

DS1 (turning 7 next week!) is quite absent-minded. I know where it comes
from; Grandma used to call me the Absent-Minded Professor when I was growing
up. But I'm not sure whether to call this absent-mindedness or ordinary kid
heedlessness, let alone how to "fix" it.

At school last Friday, DS1 chased his tennis ball out of the school gate. It
landed in the near gutter and he picked it up without first checking the road.
AT ALL. Sounds like the teacher who caught him at it nearly had heart
failure! They haven't punished him, as he obviously knew he'd done wrong and
it was a first offence, but they Wanted To Let Me Know. Man, I hate that.
They should have just given him the standard punishment. It's pretty
pointless having an angry parent a few hours after the event.

I should explain that during the day all the gates are locked except for this
one, which is normally pulled almost closed. On this particular day, it was
open (presumably a visitor had just come in). Fortunately, the street is
quiet, so I didn't end up with mashed son. DS1 *knows* that if his ball goes
out of bounds, or he has any other problem, he needs to get a teacher.

DS1 tells me that he didn't remember that what he was doing was wrong until he
saw the teacher (he burst into tears and was very remorseful). He didn't
think at all, from the sound of it. I think if the gate had been closed, he
would have been given pause.

I must say that I don't expect much road sense in a child this age, but the
dawn of any form of common sense would be most welcome. Any ideas on how to
encourage its arrival?

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

Chookie wrote:

I must say that I don't expect much road sense in a child this age, but the
dawn of any form of common sense would be most welcome. Any ideas on how to
encourage its arrival?

Not really, which is why I haven't posted up until now. However, what
does keep nagging at me after reading your post is a general feeling of
"Well, hell, I know what *won't* work." It seems to me that a general
attitude of criticism, punishment, and insult over a genuine mistake is
something that probably isn't going to work. Since this seems to be a
problem your DS genuinely wants to deal with, why not think in terms of
working with him and supporting him in this instead of punishing him for
not getting it right the first time?

Oh, I did think of one thing while typing this: In 'How To Talk So Kids
Will Listen...' there's a scenario where a boy loses the money his
mother's given him to go shopping with. She's already got this whole
mental image of him as pretty useless, a 'sad sack' as I think she
describes it. However, since the subject for the previous week's
parenting classes has been how to see children as what they *can be*
rather than as what you think they are now, she tries a radically
different approach - instead of criticising him, she gives him the same
amount of money the next day and asks him to go do the shopping, just as
though nothing's happened. When he expresses astonishment that she's
willing to do this after he lost the money yesterday, she just says
"That was yesterday - this is today." Lo and behold, he hangs onto the
money this time and all's well.

So, I wouldn't discount the possibility that he might be quite capable
of learning from his own experiences and that maybe the best thing to do
would be to treat him as though you assume this is so, and see whether
he can live up to your expectations rather than down to them?


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

Chookie wrote:

My turn to have help with a problem.

DS1 (turning 7 next week!) is quite absent-minded. I know where it comes
from; Grandma used to call me the Absent-Minded Professor when I was growing
up. But I'm not sure whether to call this absent-mindedness or ordinary kid
heedlessness, let alone how to "fix" it.
snip
DS1 tells me that he didn't remember that what he was doing was wrong until he
saw the teacher (he burst into tears and was very remorseful). He didn't
think at all, from the sound of it. I think if the gate had been closed, he
would have been given pause.

I must say that I don't expect much road sense in a child this age, but the
dawn of any form of common sense would be most welcome. Any ideas on how to
encourage its arrival?

Why should a child of that age not have some road sense? Have you not
taught him how to cross the street? Where to ride his bike? Do you
live so far out in the country that you have no traffic at all? (I
can't remember exactly)

Yes the gate should probably have been closed, and I would hope that
the act of opening it would have made him stop to think. But, while
you can't count on the kids to always be sensible, you should be
EXPECTING them to act correctly. When you are crossing the street,
ask HIM when you should go instead of telling him. (have him hold your
hand so that if he misjudges you can grab him back.

When we were little, we traveled by streetcar and buses. So when we
were traveling where there was a public transportation system, she
insisted that we work out what route we would take, and where we would
go to get the bus or metro or whatever. She did this I think so that
we could get back to the hotel if we got separated, but it had the
secondary effect of making us aware of our surroundings.

[For a little extra math practice, she made us tell her how much
anything cost in dollars although her mental math skills were
excellent and she could perfectly easily have figured it out herself
(and probably did)].

In article ,
Rosalie B. wrote:

DS1 tells me that he didn't remember that what he was doing was wrong until
he
saw the teacher (he burst into tears and was very remorseful). He didn't
think at all, from the sound of it. I think if the gate had been closed, he
would have been given pause.

I must say that I don't expect much road sense in a child this age, but the
dawn of any form of common sense would be most welcome. Any ideas on how to
encourage its arrival?

Why should a child of that age not have some road sense? Have you not
taught him how to cross the street? Where to ride his bike? Do you
live so far out in the country that you have no traffic at all? (I
can't remember exactly)

We live in suburbia and DS1 crosses streets with DH several mornings a week on
his way to school. This is what worries me -- he DOES know how to do these
things (though I'd never let him walk to school on his own -- some of the
roads are very busy adn he only turned 7 yesterday) and he DOES know that he
should talk to a teacher when his ball goes out of bounds. In the heat of the
moment, though, everything just vanished from his head. The classic 'parent's
nightmare'.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

In article ,
Sarah Vaughan wrote:

Chookie wrote:

I must say that I don't expect much road sense in a child this age, but the
dawn of any form of common sense would be most welcome. Any ideas on how
to encourage its arrival?

Not really, which is why I haven't posted up until now. However, what
does keep nagging at me after reading your post is a general feeling of
"Well, hell, I know what *won't* work." It seems to me that a general
attitude of criticism, punishment, and insult over a genuine mistake is
something that probably isn't going to work.

Huh? Where was that from?

So, I wouldn't discount the possibility that he might be quite capable
of learning from his own experiences and that maybe the best thing to do
would be to treat him as though you assume this is so, and see whether
he can live up to your expectations rather than down to them?

Something simple like the money thing would be great. But this is the kid who
forgets to hand out invitations to his own birthday party. That's its own
punishment, of course; if you give them out too close to the date, people
can't come.

I was also vague (and still am, but not quite as much). One year, I lost
three sets of swimming costumes and towels in a fortnight of school swimming
lessons. Left them behind on the school bus -- but swimming costumes aren't
as prominent in a kid's mind as party invitations.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

Chookie wrote:

In article ,
Sarah Vaughan wrote:

Chookie wrote:

I must say that I don't expect much road sense in a child this age, but the
dawn of any form of common sense would be most welcome. Any ideas on how
to encourage its arrival?

Not really, which is why I haven't posted up until now. However, what
does keep nagging at me after reading your post is a general feeling of
"Well, hell, I know what *won't* work." It seems to me that a general
attitude of criticism, punishment, and insult over a genuine mistake is
something that probably isn't going to work.

Huh? Where was that from?

So, I wouldn't discount the possibility that he might be quite capable
of learning from his own experiences and that maybe the best thing to do
would be to treat him as though you assume this is so, and see whether
he can live up to your expectations rather than down to them?

Something simple like the money thing would be great. But this is the kid who
forgets to hand out invitations to his own birthday party. That's its own
punishment, of course; if you give them out too close to the date, people
can't come.

My description of that is - drifty. If you've ever watched a first
grade Little League game, a lot of the little boys are like that. You
see them in the outfield, gazing around. They've completely forgotten
the game. I once watched a fight between to of them over a ball that
came out into the outfield, and instead of throwing the ball in to so
that one of the opposing players could be tagged out, they were
rolling around in the dirt - each trying to get the ball for himself.

My impression is that boys are a bit worse about this than girls.
Because my girls always walked to school by themselves from the
beginning even though they had major streets to cross in some cases. I
knew I could trust them to be sensible about it. But maybe it is just
a personality difference.

I was also vague (and still am, but not quite as much). One year, I lost
three sets of swimming costumes and towels in a fortnight of school swimming
lessons. Left them behind on the school bus -- but swimming costumes aren't
as prominent in a kid's mind as party invitations.

I lost a lot of things as a kid. We used to have ink pens (not ball
point pens but pens with real ink that had to be filled from an
inkwell). One of the required school supplies in those days was a
bottle of ink and a pen. We even still had the desks with the inkwell
in the corner (although we didn't put ink in it). Anyway, you
couldn't get pens for cheap - they were an expensive investment. And
my mom would have my name put on them in the futile hope that if I
lost them, they'd be returned. Because I lost them regularly. And I
recently found out that my sister also had the same problem which she
had attributed to having to change schools and being skipped a grade.
She was astonished to find that I had done the same thing.

My dd#2s children take lunch boxes to school, but I couldn't do that
with some of mine as they'd leave them there.

Anyway, have your dh let him say when they should cross the street on
the way to school, so that he thinks about what he's doing. It will
be good practice for him.

On 8 Mar, 12:10, Chookie wrote:
My turn to have help with a problem.

DS1 (turning 7 next week!) is quite absent-minded. I know where it comes
from; Grandma used to call me the Absent-Minded Professor when I was growing
up. But I'm not sure whether to call this absent-mindedness or ordinary kid
heedlessness, let alone how to "fix" it.

At school last Friday, DS1 chased his tennis ball out of the school gate. It
landed in the near gutter and he picked it up without first checking the road.
AT ALL.

Personally I think this is perfectly normal behaviour for a 6 year
old. I would expect a child this age to know the rules, but no way
would I expect them to be able to carry them out at all times. What
you describe is the classic situation of a child just following the
ball without thinking and nothing to do with him being absent minded
IMO.

I would very concerned that the school allow a gate leading onto a
road is open when there are children playing ball near it.

Of course I'm not saying you should sit back and do nothing with your
son, but I would use it as a lesson rather than punishing him.

Mary Ann

In article
,
Mary Ann wrote:

Of course I'm not saying you should sit back and do nothing with your
son, but I would use it as a lesson rather than punishing him.

He wasn't punished, though I would not have objected if the school had
punished him for breaking bounds. They 'just wanted to let me know',
presumably to let me decide on the response. I hate that! I don't believe
things should be left hanging over little kids.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

Chookie wrote:

In article
,
Mary Ann wrote:

Of course I'm not saying you should sit back and do nothing with your
son, but I would use it as a lesson rather than punishing him.

He wasn't punished, though I would not have objected if the school had
punished him for breaking bounds. They 'just wanted to let me know',
presumably to let me decide on the response. I hate that! I don't believe
things should be left hanging over little kids.

I wouldn't have taken it that way.

I would have thought they were just passing on to me something that
happened to CTA.

Because IIRC what they told you included that he burst into tears and
was absolutely clear that he knew he had done wrong and was sorry for
it. So IMHO there was no need to punish him because he didn't do it
on purpose and he already knew it was wrong. Punishment would serve
no purpose (not that it ever does really, but especially in this
case).

So unless you have other instances of them passing the buck to you for
disciplinary practices, I would just look at this as their passing
something on to you that you might want to know.

Chookie wrote:
In article ,
Sarah Vaughan wrote:

Chookie wrote:

I must say that I don't expect much road sense in a child this age, but the
dawn of any form of common sense would be most welcome. Any ideas on how
to encourage its arrival?
Not really, which is why I haven't posted up until now. However, what
does keep nagging at me after reading your post is a general feeling of
"Well, hell, I know what *won't* work." It seems to me that a general
attitude of criticism, punishment, and insult over a genuine mistake is
something that probably isn't going to work.

Huh? Where was that from?

Just the general tone of your post. The title, for starters - I know
(well, I assume) that you haven't actually used that term to your son's
face, but I'm wondering whether that was still the attitude he got from
you. And the way you were generalising this into a claim that he
doesn't have any common sense. I know that what he did was dangerously
scatty, but generalising like that can actually cause more problems
because children learn to see themselves in the way they're described.
And you were saying that the school should have punished him. Maybe I
shouldn't be too quick to have an opinion on this, since my children
aren't yet at that age, but... the idea of punishing someone for a
genuine mistake for which they're clearly remorseful just sounds so
extraordinary to me. I'd see it as a problem that you *and* he need to
be working on, rather than as something for which he should be punished.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell