Lazy husband?

How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?

My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the
house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the
laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he
works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else.



He spends all his free time online, sleeps in till 1pm on weekends and
always gets upset if I ask him to mow the lawn or do any DIY. He takes
absolutely no interest in our 7 yr old, which hurts me most of all. He never
puts her to bed, reads with her or bathes her.



He says he is "tired" and that I am being unreasonable by asking him to do
anything extra apart from the 40 hours a week he works. His job is an office
one, so it is not as if he does physical labour. He has always been this
way, even during the short time he was unemployed, he refused to mow the
lawn or do any decorating.



I have now got to the point where am thinking of hiring people to do all the
jobs that need doing. I feel embarrassed when people come to my house and we
have wallpaper peeling off the walls. I can do certain things myself, like
painting, but things like wallpaper I need two people for. He says that
hiring someone is too expensive, but I stripped the walls of the spare room
back in February have done all the paintwork, bought all the paper and
paste, and I am STILL waiting for a time when he is "free " to do the
wallpapering with me! On a weekend he will sit on the PC whilst I juggle our
daughter and the painting.It makes me so mad!



How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What
about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates
family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping
put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please
help.

"Sandra" wrote in message
...
How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?
[Snip]
How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs?
What
about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates
family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping
put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please
help.

I would tell him that either you both go for some family counseling to work
this out, or *you* will be going by yourself. And then do it. Even if he
refuses to go and work on this problem, you can work out what your long-term
response to this will be.

You can hire people to do odd jobs, but you can't hire someone to be a proxy
father -- and there's no reason to do so, since your DD has a father living
in the house! Any man can be a sperm donor, but it's *work* to be a father.
Tough break he apparently didn't realize this before fathering a child, but
he now has one; time to grow up and be an adult.

Sorry if this seems like a blunt attitude from me, but, as an adoptive
father who had to "prove my worth" before being allowed to adopt, I have
very little tolerance for men (or women) who shirk their parental
responsibilities. We all work, we're all tired -- working parents,
stay-at-home parents, single parents -- but that's no excuse to blow off
your kid.



Bill
--
Bill Peckenpaugh

http://www.plimu.com/bill.htm (Boring me...)
http://www.plimu.com/daniel.htm (The Amazing Daniel!)

"Sandra" wrote in message
...
How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?

My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the
house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all
the
laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as
he
works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else.

snip

I have to say that I agree with Mr. Peckinpah's post, above. I just wanted
to add that in similar situations I've had some luck with the strategies
outlined in a book called "Getting through to the man you love" by Michelle
Weiner-Davis. I'm NOT a self-help book person, at all, but I kind of like
this one. As a companion to counseling, perhaps.

Good luck. If it helps, you've got a fairly common problem. It's solvable.
Periodically, at least.

Donna

In article et, W.D.
Peckenpaugh says...

"Sandra" wrote in message
...
How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?
[Snip]
How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs?
What
about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates
family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping
put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please
help.

I would tell him that either you both go for some family counseling to work
this out, or *you* will be going by yourself. And then do it. Even if he
refuses to go and work on this problem, you can work out what your long-term
response to this will be.

You can hire people to do odd jobs, but you can't hire someone to be a proxy
father -- and there's no reason to do so, since your DD has a father living
in the house! Any man can be a sperm donor, but it's *work* to be a father.
Tough break he apparently didn't realize this before fathering a child, but
he now has one; time to grow up and be an adult.

Sorry if this seems like a blunt attitude from me, but, as an adoptive
father who had to "prove my worth" before being allowed to adopt, I have
very little tolerance for men (or women) who shirk their parental
responsibilities. We all work, we're all tired -- working parents,
stay-at-home parents, single parents -- but that's no excuse to blow off
your kid.

Well, it's also possible that it's the OP's perception that he's not doing
enough because her expectations are that he should be *continually* socially
involved with other family members. I've seen this, and I'm sensitive to it as
a person of somewhat retiring temprament myself. And holidays can quickly
overdraw the sociability reserves of a person.

Or maybe not.

But either way certainly I'd agree with your recommendation for family
counselling. With a good counseller, both sides would air, and they hopefully
would get some guidance in negotiating a solution with some combination of his
increased involvement, redistribution of household tasks amongst the spouses and
hired work, and some psychic space for the husband. Perhaps some space for a
garage workshop and some time allowed for him to retreat to it is in order (or
something like that).

Or she's completely right. And/or he is manifesting an episode of clinical
depression.

Or it's just a mismatch in tempraments.

Cheers,
Banty

In article , Sandra says...

How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?

My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the
house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the
laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he
works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else.



He spends all his free time online, sleeps in till 1pm on weekends and
always gets upset if I ask him to mow the lawn or do any DIY. He takes
absolutely no interest in our 7 yr old, which hurts me most of all. He never
puts her to bed, reads with her or bathes her.



He says he is "tired" and that I am being unreasonable by asking him to do
anything extra apart from the 40 hours a week he works. His job is an office
one, so it is not as if he does physical labour. He has always been this
way, even during the short time he was unemployed, he refused to mow the
lawn or do any decorating.



I have now got to the point where am thinking of hiring people to do all the
jobs that need doing. I feel embarrassed when people come to my house and we
have wallpaper peeling off the walls. I can do certain things myself, like
painting, but things like wallpaper I need two people for. He says that
hiring someone is too expensive, but I stripped the walls of the spare room
back in February have done all the paintwork, bought all the paper and
paste, and I am STILL waiting for a time when he is "free " to do the
wallpapering with me! On a weekend he will sit on the PC whilst I juggle our
daughter and the painting.It makes me so mad!



How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What
about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates
family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping
put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please
help.




Hi, Sandra.

Yes, this is an intolerable situation and I urge you to find some family
counselling. On reading your post a couple of times, the possibility of your
husband suffering from depression occurs to me. If he is continually tired,
withdrawn, and uninterested, it's a good possiiblity.

I guess you're posting this after at least seven years' marriage. Has there
been a change in his behavior?

Banty

Banty wrote in message ...
In article , Sandra says...

How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?

My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the
house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the
laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he
works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else.

snip

How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What
about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates
family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping
put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please
help.

Hi, Sandra.

Yes, this is an intolerable situation and I urge you to find some family
counselling. On reading your post a couple of times, the possibility of your
husband suffering from depression occurs to me. If he is continually tired,
withdrawn, and uninterested, it's a good possiiblity.

This was actually my reaction too. My husband sleeps until noon on
weekends as well and sometimes has to be 'nudged' to take on
equal weekend childcare responsibilities, but he takes an active
interest in life and doesn't just sit in front of a computer
all the time. The part about the OP's husband always being "too
tired" to do anything particularly sounded as though he might
be depressed.

I think the OP should definitely seek counselling. In the meantime,
if she *does* have the money, I don't think it'd be the end of the
world to hire help with essential chores. It might reduce her
stress level to have some things done under her control.

Beth

I'd say, first stop is the family doctor to find out if there are any
health issues making him "tired", listless, disconnected etc.,
including depression.

Then I'd be sitting down with him and having a serious talk about the
future of your marriage. This is not a partnership. Is he figuring his
contribution to your shared life, including your home and parenthood
is financial alone, and for that he expects sex and a full time
housekeeper and general purpose dogsbody to do all the chores?

My husband was an only child, and was pretty much waited on hand and
foot by his doting mother - so our first years of marriage were quite
a shock to him. I found myself doing pretty much everything, and
getting madder and madder at him. He didn't do it on purpose - he was
just pretty much oblivious to the world of domestic chores, from
gardening to housework to bill paying - it just didn't occur to him to
do stuff, although he'd "help" if I asked - which isn't what I wanted.
I wanted him to be responsible for certain things so they were off my
back. It got worse when we had our first child - I COULDN'T cope with
it all. I actually got to the point I was ready to kick him out, since
at least on my own I wouldn't be cheesed off at another adult sitting
around the house doing nothing while I struggled.

We had to have a renegotiation, and I dumped a whole pile of stuff
onto him like the bill paying onto him, and never looked back.

Mary G.

In article ,
(Mary Gordon) wrote:

I'd say, first stop is the family doctor to find out if there are any
health issues making him "tired", listless, disconnected etc.,
including depression.

Then I'd be sitting down with him and having a serious talk about the
future of your marriage. This is not a partnership. Is he figuring his
contribution to your shared life, including your home and parenthood
is financial alone, and for that he expects sex and a full time
housekeeper and general purpose dogsbody to do all the chores?

My husband was an only child, and was pretty much waited on hand and
foot by his doting mother - so our first years of marriage were quite
a shock to him. I found myself doing pretty much everything, and
getting madder and madder at him. He didn't do it on purpose - he was
just pretty much oblivious to the world of domestic chores, from
gardening to housework to bill paying - it just didn't occur to him to
do stuff, although he'd "help" if I asked - which isn't what I wanted.
I wanted him to be responsible for certain things so they were off my
back. It got worse when we had our first child - I COULDN'T cope with
it all. I actually got to the point I was ready to kick him out, since
at least on my own I wouldn't be cheesed off at another adult sitting
around the house doing nothing while I struggled.

We had to have a renegotiation, and I dumped a whole pile of stuff
onto him like the bill paying onto him, and never looked back.

Mary G.

good points

it helps to have specific responsibilities -- rather than 'helping wife
with her work' --- e.g. bathing the baby is something Dad could be
entirely responsible for -- and it is fun and gives him a chance to bond
and get comfortable with a small child. Later this can grow to include
the bedtime story ritual

this is a real job and takes some strain off Mom -- but is also
important and something Dad could take full charge of. this involves
partnership rather than a kind of childish role of 'helping'

Turn over Sunday dinner to Dad if he has any skill or interest in this
area-- we evolved a system where I cooked during the week and my husband
on weekends. He does more elaborate stuff -- but I get food on the
table day after day. It worked with our schedules and gave him time to
use his creative talents. And whoever cooked -- the other cleaned.

A SAHM naturally pulls most of the heavy duty at home -- but by
identifying specific tasks Dad can take charge of, particularly with the
children -- greater participation in family life can work. [and don't
forget to count tasks he already does if he does e.g. mowing the lawn,
servicing the cars etc]


it is also important to schedule some regular couple time -- my husband
and I pretty much always went out on Saturday night as soon as we could
manage [i.e. not the first couple of months of nursing -- but after that]

Hi Sandra,

Sorry to hear about your problem.

I am going to take a different approach than what most of folks have
said here. It's a bitter pill but if you understand it, it's going to
be very helpful in my opinion. It's just my view and you (or anybody)
do not have to agree.

I would say, stand up and take *responsibility* for what's happening
in your life. We get exactly what we believe in, expect, and "ask
for" on our deepest levels. We can think the people we are in
relationship with as a mirror. They reflect our own beliefs. The
change starts with us first. If you can *see* your husband helping you
and the family, you'll definitely have it.

God Bless You and be with you.
Pat



"Sandra" wrote in message ...
How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?

My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the
house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the
laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he
works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else.



He spends all his free time online, sleeps in till 1pm on weekends and
always gets upset if I ask him to mow the lawn or do any DIY. He takes
absolutely no interest in our 7 yr old, which hurts me most of all. He never
puts her to bed, reads with her or bathes her.



He says he is "tired" and that I am being unreasonable by asking him to do
anything extra apart from the 40 hours a week he works. His job is an office
one, so it is not as if he does physical labour. He has always been this
way, even during the short time he was unemployed, he refused to mow the
lawn or do any decorating.



I have now got to the point where am thinking of hiring people to do all the
jobs that need doing. I feel embarrassed when people come to my house and we
have wallpaper peeling off the walls. I can do certain things myself, like
painting, but things like wallpaper I need two people for. He says that
hiring someone is too expensive, but I stripped the walls of the spare room
back in February have done all the paintwork, bought all the paper and
paste, and I am STILL waiting for a time when he is "free " to do the
wallpapering with me! On a weekend he will sit on the PC whilst I juggle our
daughter and the painting.It makes me so mad!



How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What
about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates
family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping
put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please
help.

Hi Sandra,

Sorry to hear about your problem.

I am going to take a different approach than what most of folks have
said here. It's a bitter pill but if you understand it, it's going to
be very helpful in my opinion. It's just my view and you (or anybody)
do not have to agree.

I would say, stand up and take *responsibility* for what's happening
in your life. We get exactly what we believe in, expect, and "ask
for" on our deepest levels. We can think the people we are in
relationship with as a mirror. They reflect our own beliefs. The
change starts with us first. If you can *see* your husband helping you
and the family, you'll definitely have it.

God Bless You and be with you.
Pat

Pat,
I'm not Sandra (as you can see) but I would like you to elaborate on
this post. I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation (my husband
helps but he's very grumpy about it and makes me feel like he's doing
me some kind of major favor by putting away his own clothes) Anyway,
I've often felt that we all deserve someone to believe in us, to
believe that we are being the best person we can be and that we are
special. My husband did not have this growing up. I try to give it to
him now but sometimes I think I fail because I *do* get mad when he
doesn't help or when *he* gets angry b/c I've asked him to help.
Please expand on the post above and give more details and examples.
It sounds like an interesting approach but I need more info.
Thanks! Heather