Appropriate age to "go steady"?

Hi,

My 12 year old wants to "go steady" with a boy from her 7th grade
class. I am interested in hearing about age appropriate activities
other's have allowed their daughters, i.e., school events only, group
activities with a parent/supervisor etc. Is there a road map out
there that allows me to keep my daughter safe while allowing her an
age appropriate amount of freedom? My sense is that if I say no, it's
going to be happening anyway.

(If not an appropriate question for this group...kindly point me in
the right direction)

Thanks,
M Kelley

"M Kelley" wrote in message
m...
Hi,

My 12 year old wants to "go steady" with a boy from her 7th grade
class. I am interested in hearing about age appropriate activities
other's have allowed their daughters, i.e., school events only, group
activities with a parent/supervisor etc. Is there a road map out
there that allows me to keep my daughter safe while allowing her an
age appropriate amount of freedom? My sense is that if I say no, it's
going to be happening anyway.

When my son said he wanted to ask a girl to 'go steady' at the same age, the
first thing I did was to ask what that meant to them.

Did it mean that they were going to pass notes in class and that's it? Walk
each other to and from school? Identify themselves as boyfriend/girlfriend
to their friends? Give a trinket to signify 'going steady' (such as a
locket, bracelet or tiny ring?).

Once you get that answer, I think you'll have a better idea as to whether
'going steady' is appropriate for your daughter.

As far as specific activities, I allowed the walking to and from school
thing and he was allowed to take her to low-key public places (going for
pizza downtown, school dances and movies), either with a group of friends or
by themseves. She was welcome to come to our house and he could go to hers
as long as an adult was home.

I should add that at the time, we lived in my childhood hometown which was
very small and we lived about a block away from the main drag (where the
theater and pizza place were and both were on their walking route to and
from school)...and the girl lived about 4 blocks away from us.

I also have a very open relationship with my sons and we have been able to
discuss issues of sex, sexuality and relationships in an age appropriate way
since they were preschoolers (they're 18 and almost 14 now). I personally
didn't have a problem telling my then 12 year old specific actions that I
thought were appropriate for him in regards to a girl -- for example, the
'okay list' at that age included holding hands, walking arm in arm...putting
an arm around her shoulder while seated (say, while at the theater watching
a movie), brief hugs and the occasional, short, closed mouthed kiss. (in
the short time they were 'steadies', he never attempted to kiss her, though
because her parents were even stricter than my late husband and I were and I
think my son was afraid of her father g).

HTH.

Leah


(If not an appropriate question for this group...kindly point me in
the right direction)

Thanks,
M Kelley

"M Kelley" wrote in message
m...
Hi,

My 12 year old wants to "go steady" with a boy from her 7th grade
class. I am interested in hearing about age appropriate activities
other's have allowed their daughters, i.e., school events only, group
activities with a parent/supervisor etc. Is there a road map out
there that allows me to keep my daughter safe while allowing her an
age appropriate amount of freedom? My sense is that if I say no, it's
going to be happening anyway.

(If not an appropriate question for this group...kindly point me in
the right direction)

Thanks,
M Kelley

Hey M Kelley!

Kids are kids. I bet you money that they saw that phrase on TV. They wont be
having sex if that's what you're worried about. I'm not a parent myself so
YMMV, but chill out a bit. Let them have their fun. As long as it doesnt
affec ttheir school work, and they are home when they say they will be, then
what's the harm?

"Weyoun the Dancing Borg" wrote in
message ...

"M Kelley" wrote in message

(...)

Kids are kids. I bet you money that they saw that phrase on TV. They wont
be
having sex if that's what you're worried about.

Actually, that is something to worry about. Some boys are physiologically
ready to do it at age 12
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...&dopt=Abstract
and do it at age 12; others might not be able to have sex until age 15 or
16. Kids at these ages (adolescents) are not well-known for good self
control or good judgement. Note: The study was in 1990 -- kids are having
sex and becoming sexually mature at a younger age. (I am not suggesting that
your daughter would do this at this age; the point is that it happens at
this age and you should prepare your daughter).

Besides, the issue will come up within the next few years, so now is a good
time to begin to deal with it. And, this is a subject that is on their minds
a lot at this age and well into adulthood. And her friends might be doing
it.

Personally, I think education is the key. Once they have the proper
knowledge about sex and condoms and birth control, and understand that
having sex can mean having a baby the 1st time they have sex, it is up to
them to make their own decisions. Knowlege and the ability to use that
knowledge is the key.

Jeff

(...)

On Sun, 25 Jan 2004 18:51:24 EST, "Jeff"
wrote:

snip
Actually, that is something to worry about. Some boys are physiologically
ready to do it at age 12
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...&dopt=Abstract
and do it at age 12; others might not be able to have sex until age 15 or
16. Kids at these ages (adolescents) are not well-known for good self
control or good judgement. Note: The study was in 1990 -- kids are having
sex and becoming sexually mature at a younger age. (I am not suggesting that
your daughter would do this at this age; the point is that it happens at
this age and you should prepare your daughter).

Besides, the issue will come up within the next few years, so now is a good
time to begin to deal with it. And, this is a subject that is on their minds
a lot at this age and well into adulthood. And her friends might be doing
it.

Personally, I think education is the key. Once they have the proper
knowledge about sex and condoms and birth control, and understand that
having sex can mean having a baby the 1st time they have sex, it is up to
them to make their own decisions. Knowlege and the ability to use that
knowledge is the key.

Jeff

(...)


Not to start a panic or anything, but when I graduated 8th grade, I
was one of thre or four girls in my class that were still virgins.

That said, I agree that giving as much information as possible to your
kids about sex, and doing so from an early age, is invaluable in
making sure that they can make sound decisions in the future. There
are tons of good books out there, as well as a couple of websites if
you feel you need to bone up on your sexual knowledge.

www.scarleteen.com is a wonderful resource for young people and their
parents.

www.sexuality.org is another, even more in-depth, resource but it is
really written for adults rather than for younger people.

I would hope that you already started to teach her about sex quite
some time ago. If you haven't, I would NOT start now as a reaction to
her wanting to "go steady." That's the kind of reaction that makes
young people feel that sex is an expected consequence of any romantic
interest. Give enough time that the two events seem unrelated.

Sex is not the only natural evolution of puppy love. It's definitely
a good idea to aske her what "going steady" means to her before you
suggest anything. That way you both know what you're talking about.

I don't know your daughter's maturity level well enough to be totally
accurate in suggesting boundaries, but here are a few ideas that you
can take or leave as you feel appropriate:

-- Double dates and group outings tend to be a lot easier and more
low-key than one-on-one dates.

-- I have a pet peeve about parents who forbid dates in one of the
kids' homes. If a responsible adult is around, a night of
movie-watching is just fine IMHO. In my experience, banning the
"night in" will get many kids thinking that the material part of the
date (ie buying movie tickets, paying for dinner, etc) is the most
important part, and/or that an at-home date naturally implies sex.

-- A lot of young people feel VERY uncomfortable with parental
supervision on a date. An older sibling, or an older teen cousin or
friend of the family whom you trust may be an option agreeable to
everyone. (Of course, this may require bribing said older sibling.)

As for going on dates alone, what is appropriate depends a lot on
where you live, and what's available there.

Susan

Leah Adezio wrote:

[snip good advice]

(in
the short time they were 'steadies', he never attempted to kiss her, though
because her parents were even stricter than my late husband and I were and I
think my son was afraid of her father g).


chuckle

I hope to be the father that boys are afraid of with respect
to DD :-D

Scott DD 10.5 and DS 7.95

On Mon, 26 Jan 2004 09:20:24 EST, Scott wrote:
Leah Adezio wrote:

[snip good advice]

(in
the short time they were 'steadies', he never attempted to kiss her, though
because her parents were even stricter than my late husband and I were and I
think my son was afraid of her father g).


chuckle

I hope to be the father that boys are afraid of with respect
to DD :-D


According to one of my former co-workers, he used
to tell any boy who dated his daughter, "I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and a really big backyard." Apparently he
got some awfully wide-eyed looks...

Susan wrote:

Not to start a panic or anything, but when I graduated 8th grade, I
was one of thre or four girls in my class that were still virgins.

*blink*

What surprises me about this is that you KNEW. About them, I mean, not you. I
can't think of very many people, even in high school, where I knew for sure
they were or were not virgins.

--Helen

In article ,
illecebra wrote:

www.scarleteen.com is a wonderful resource for young people and their
parents.

This site seems to be aimed at teen *girls*. Can you recommend a good
site for teen (or pre-teen) boys?

--Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01)

On Mon, 26 Jan 2004 13:26:25 EST, (H Schinske)
wrote:

Susan wrote:

Not to start a panic or anything, but when I graduated 8th grade, I
was one of thre or four girls in my class that were still virgins.

*blink*

What surprises me about this is that you KNEW. About them, I mean, not you. I
can't think of very many people, even in high school, where I knew for sure
they were or were not virgins.

--Helen

It's kind of hard not to notice sometimes... what I find funny is
that in high school (I went to a private Catholic school), everyone
seemed to think that I must be sleeping around because I could talk
about sex without blushing, and few who didn't have firsthand
knowledge suspected the girls who actually were.

Susan