5 years old... And how to deal with his own thoughts??

I'm having some trouble here... B's 5, and there's some things that I just
don't know how to deal with or approach...
Ever since the accident, he's wanted to keep the gauze on his forehead. The
plastic surgeon had said that it was alright to take the bandage off and
give the wound some air, at his 1 week follow up. It's now been 2 and a
half weeks since the accident, and he still wants to keep the bandage on,
even though it's pretty much done most of the big healing parts. There's no
more open wounds, the stitches have pretty much dissolved, and now it's all
basically back to normal, other than some red scarring area, which will also
heal still and become less and less noticeable...
He went last night with my aunt and uncle to spend the night and then spend
the day today with them. They did their normal activities... Went and did
some shopping, went to McDonald's for lunch to go to the play area and
slides, and then took him to a movie. His gauze had been getting quite
ratty and was starting to fall off earlier in the day, so my uncle just took
it right off. At McDonald's slides, he went off to play as he's always
loved doing. He came back to my aunt and told her he wanted a bandage back
on his forehead because all the kids were staring at his scar. He seems to
be very self conscience of it, and I really don't blame him. I have always
told him that it's healing very well. It really is. He looks in the mirror
and sees it, and makes a face, and I tell him not to worry about it. He's
still just as hansome as always and I tell him his body needs time to heal.
I don't know how to deal with this. It hurts me so much for him to think
like this, but I see no reason why his feelings aren't justified and they're
definitely not irrationable. His hair is starting to grow back from where
it was shaved off, and his bangs are uneven, but he doesn't seem to care
about that, and with the gauze taped on his forehead, you can't even notice
it.
Both Norm and I have had no problems at all putting the gauze back on him
when we go out, but at home we like to keep it off to allow it to heal and
get some air. I've never once forced him to go out without the bandage on,
but sitting around at home I talk him out of it.
I had kind of thought that he didn't like the way it looked when he had gone
back to school the first day he was able to and he wanted to keep it covered
up, even after the surgeon said we can keep it open from now on. I've been
sending him to school with it covered and he comes home with it still
covered. When my aunt told me what he had said earlier at lunch time when
he was playing, I felt almost like there were little knives being stabbed
into my heart because I kind of feel the same way he does, but I do feel
some guilt and maybe even some shame. No matter what anyone says or doesn't
say, I will still feel that we shouldn't have been there and none of this
should have happened. I doubt anything will make me stop thinking that...
This event, I guess, has made me want to call that lawyer and see if he can
get some wheels turning. It will be a while, I know, no matter what, but
I'm going to go after getting B's head fixed as best as it possibly can be.
That means if more cosmetic surgery is in order to remove scars, I am going
to go for that for Bran. If scar treatment of any kind can be done, I am
going to go with it, and none of this is going to be covered, which means
that it will cost, and I will do what I can for him to have this done and
have the scars as minimal as possible. It makes me want to hunt this lawyer
down and tell him NOW because it's just not fair to a 5 year old... Even
though I know it's still so early and the wound is so fresh and still needs
time to heal. Even when I was told scars would be minimal, I seem to doubt
that deep down.
Is there a good way that I can handle this? What can I say or should I not
say to him when he says that the other kids are staring? I feel that it's
in HIS best interest, for him and the way he thinks and feels, to keep it
covered if that's what he wants. He usually has no problem keeping it open
while at home or familiar places, but out in public is when it seems to be
an issue and thought for him...
Any suggestions from that mess of babbling?
Anything would be much appreciated... I'm just at a loss as to what I should
do

--
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
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"xkatx" wrote in message
news:TRxKf.6947$_62.6721@edtnps90...


Let him keep it covered. I don't see the big deal. Seems to me, he is
picking up your emotions though. I recall young boys loving their scars and
showing them off.... maybe those with boys can help further.

T

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:TRxKf.6947$_62.6721@edtnps90...
Is there a good way that I can handle this? What can I say or should I
not say to him when he says that the other kids are staring? I feel that
it's in HIS best interest, for him and the way he thinks and feels, to
keep it covered if that's what he wants. He usually has no problem
keeping it open while at home or familiar places, but out in public is
when it seems to be an issue and thought for him...
Any suggestions from that mess of babbling?
Anything would be much appreciated... I'm just at a loss as to what I
should do


I'm with Tiffany. Sounds to me like he may be picking up on your emotions,
too. My daughter fell when she was 5 & gashed the middle of her forehead
open on one of those big landscaping rocks. She never had any kind of
problem with it, or issues about kids staring.

How does B feel about the accident itself? Perhaps if you spin it to him as
a type of "war wound" (if you see what I mean), he'll be showing it off &
bragging about "surviving the big, bad truck".

But, let him keep it covered if it bothers him.

And, it *WILL* fade. Never to invisibility, but you have to really *LOOK*
to notice my daughter's scar (she is 10 now).

Another thing -- use vitaimin E ointment on the scar... it helps with
healing to show less damage.


Kelly

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:TRxKf.6947$_62.6721@edtnps90...
I'm having some trouble here... B's 5, and there's some things that I just
don't know how to deal with or approach...
Ever since the accident, he's wanted to keep the gauze on his forehead.

Little kids love bandages, it's the first thing that they show you. My son
wanted one for the teeniest thing! Finally, when it was time to stop
wearing (and wasting!) them, I let him decorate himself so that he didn't
mind baring his wounds. Stickers work ok, but washable markers were his
favourite.

Mind you.....little boys in the summer time covered in bruises that are made
into faces make mucho laundry. I can see that snow would be just as
troublesome

Lisa

"'Kate" wrote in message
...

Let me ask... do you think that some of what's happening is because his
twin doesn't have the same scar and now they're different?


I think you're confusing Kat and myself. I'm the one with twins and yes E
had issues with his scarring as well. He thought he looked like
Frankenstein but he grew out of it and now you can barely see his scar. I'm
not sure how I handled that, I just remember assuring him and took off the
bandage because it's what was best. Kat, there comes a time as a parent
that you just have to be the bad guy because that's the right thing to do.
You can't let him go around the rest of his life with a dirty bandage on his
head because he's afraid. It sounds very much like he's soaking up how
you're feeling and that needs to stop.

Christine

"Tiffany" wrote in message
news:bDDKf.12673$p13.7579@trnddc08...

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:TRxKf.6947$_62.6721@edtnps90...


Let him keep it covered. I don't see the big deal. Seems to me, he is
picking up your emotions though. I recall young boys loving their scars
and showing them off.... maybe those with boys can help further.

T

I was told, actually, that a reaction can occur to the tape if kept on for
too long. I've heard this from a number of people...
I had always thought as well that boys LOVE their war scars, which is why i
was surprised...

"Opal" wrote in message
.. .

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:TRxKf.6947$_62.6721@edtnps90...
Is there a good way that I can handle this? What can I say or should I
not say to him when he says that the other kids are staring? I feel that
it's in HIS best interest, for him and the way he thinks and feels, to
keep it covered if that's what he wants. He usually has no problem
keeping it open while at home or familiar places, but out in public is
when it seems to be an issue and thought for him...
Any suggestions from that mess of babbling?
Anything would be much appreciated... I'm just at a loss as to what I
should do


I'm with Tiffany. Sounds to me like he may be picking up on your
emotions, too. My daughter fell when she was 5 & gashed the middle of
her forehead open on one of those big landscaping rocks. She never had
any kind of problem with it, or issues about kids staring.

Yikes... I can't handle blood and stuff like that very well at all. I'm
still not sure how I managed to deal with B's blood that was all over him
almost instantly, and instantly all over me.

How does B feel about the accident itself? Perhaps if you spin it to him
as a type of "war wound" (if you see what I mean), he'll be showing it off
& bragging about "surviving the big, bad truck".

I had asked him if he was scared to ride in cars and trucks (this is about a
week or so after, and after he had already been back in a vehicle a few
times) and he said that he was scared a bit to ride in cars and trucks, but
not in the school bus. I asked him why he was scared to ride in cars and
trucks, but not the school bus... He said the school bus is big, and he's
scared a little bit in cars and trucks because another accident could happen
again... Not sure if I mentioned that before, but I was actually surprised
that he came up with what he did. Makes sense, though.

But, let him keep it covered if it bothers him.

And, it *WILL* fade. Never to invisibility, but you have to really *LOOK*
to notice my daughter's scar (she is 10 now).

Another thing -- use vitaimin E ointment on the scar... it helps with
healing to show less damage.


Kelly

He came home from school at lunch time today, and as soon as he got off the
bus, he told me that he didn't need a bandage at school anymore. I asked
him why, and he said that today, in gym class, the bandage was falling off
and that his teacher took it off and it's alright now. I didn't argue and
told him that was great and that we didn't have to keep covering it anymore.
We have another follow up with the surgeon on March 8, I believe it is, as
well as an appointment for both B and A with their pediatrician. The
surgeon at the first follow up had said that at the next appointment, in 1
month, we'd see about treating any scars with some types of cream or
whatever. I've heard vitamin E helps with scars... Maybe I should try and
track some down if it will help.

"Lisa" wrote in message
.. .

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:TRxKf.6947$_62.6721@edtnps90...
I'm having some trouble here... B's 5, and there's some things that I
just
don't know how to deal with or approach...
Ever since the accident, he's wanted to keep the gauze on his forehead.

Little kids love bandages, it's the first thing that they show you. My
son
wanted one for the teeniest thing! Finally, when it was time to stop
wearing (and wasting!) them, I let him decorate himself so that he didn't
mind baring his wounds. Stickers work ok, but washable markers were his
favourite.

My mom said I was always like that... For a tiny scrape or barely visible
bruise, I'd always want a bandage of some sort. Bran seems to be the same
way, and since I hardly buy bandaids anymore, since it seems we'd go through
a big box of them in no time flat, maybe a box of bandages and a box of
stickers would be a better idea. Never thought of that one, acutally!

Mind you.....little boys in the summer time covered in bruises that are
made
into faces make mucho laundry. I can see that snow would be just as
troublesome

Lisa

Yea, and it actually just snowed here pretty much all day today... What a
surprise. I always thought winter starts around Halloween or so, not after
Valentine's Day!

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 22 Feb 2006 00:09:32 GMT, "CME" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:


"'Kate" wrote in message
. ..

Let me ask... do you think that some of what's happening is because his
twin doesn't have the same scar and now they're different?


I think you're confusing Kat and myself. I'm the one with twins and yes E
had issues with his scarring as well.


Damn.. I sure did! Sorry! I absolutely *can* tell you two apart. Really
I can!

Haha suuuure you can! *wink wink*
It is Christine that has the twin boys, I just had 2 that were real close in
age - 13 months apart, and about as opposite in every possible way, so maybe
they could almost be like twins sometimes haha Only difference is that they
actually get along when they're together playing I don't recall many
siblings that actually get along all the time when together. I know that's
not the case for my experiences growing up heh... Nor is it the case for a
friend's set of twins that are just monsters when they get together!


He thought he looked like
Frankenstein but he grew out of it and now you can barely see his scar.
I'm
not sure how I handled that, I just remember assuring him and took off the
bandage because it's what was best. Kat, there comes a time as a parent
that you just have to be the bad guy because that's the right thing to do.
You can't let him go around the rest of his life with a dirty bandage on
his
head because he's afraid. It sounds very much like he's soaking up how
you're feeling and that needs to stop.

Christine

I think he did that himself earlier today. I said above, somewhere, about
how he came home from school shouting to the high hills that he doesn't need
to cover his head anymore while at school. He had no problem when we went
out for lunch as well today (well, I guess yesterday, since it's past
midnight) and it was covered as much as his hood of his jacket covered his
head in the weather, and in the Subway restaurant, he had no problems at all
with taking off his jacket and hood.

On Tue, 21 Feb 2006 05:49:39 GMT, "xkatx" wrote:

I'm having some trouble here... B's 5, and there's some things that I just
don't know how to deal with or approach...
Ever since the accident, he's wanted to keep the gauze on his forehead. The
plastic surgeon had said that it was alright to take the bandage off and
give the wound some air, at his 1 week follow up. It's now been 2 and a
half weeks since the accident, and he still wants to keep the bandage on,
even though it's pretty much done most of the big healing parts. There's no
more open wounds, the stitches have pretty much dissolved, and now it's all
basically back to normal, other than some red scarring area, which will also
heal still and become less and less noticeable...
He went last night with my aunt and uncle to spend the night and then spend
the day today with them. They did their normal activities... Went and did
some shopping, went to McDonald's for lunch to go to the play area and
slides, and then took him to a movie. His gauze had been getting quite
ratty and was starting to fall off earlier in the day, so my uncle just took
it right off. At McDonald's slides, he went off to play as he's always
loved doing. He came back to my aunt and told her he wanted a bandage back
on his forehead because all the kids were staring at his scar. He seems to
be very self conscience of it, and I really don't blame him. I have always
told him that it's healing very well. It really is. He looks in the mirror
and sees it, and makes a face, and I tell him not to worry about it. He's
still just as hansome as always and I tell him his body needs time to heal.
I don't know how to deal with this. It hurts me so much for him to think
like this, but I see no reason why his feelings aren't justified and they're
definitely not irrationable. His hair is starting to grow back from where
it was shaved off, and his bangs are uneven, but he doesn't seem to care
about that, and with the gauze taped on his forehead, you can't even notice
it.
Both Norm and I have had no problems at all putting the gauze back on him
when we go out, but at home we like to keep it off to allow it to heal and
get some air. I've never once forced him to go out without the bandage on,
but sitting around at home I talk him out of it.
I had kind of thought that he didn't like the way it looked when he had gone
back to school the first day he was able to and he wanted to keep it covered
up, even after the surgeon said we can keep it open from now on. I've been
sending him to school with it covered and he comes home with it still
covered. When my aunt told me what he had said earlier at lunch time when
he was playing, I felt almost like there were little knives being stabbed
into my heart because I kind of feel the same way he does, but I do feel
some guilt and maybe even some shame. No matter what anyone says or doesn't
say, I will still feel that we shouldn't have been there and none of this
should have happened. I doubt anything will make me stop thinking that...
This event, I guess, has made me want to call that lawyer and see if he can
get some wheels turning. It will be a while, I know, no matter what, but
I'm going to go after getting B's head fixed as best as it possibly can be.
That means if more cosmetic surgery is in order to remove scars, I am going
to go for that for Bran. If scar treatment of any kind can be done, I am
going to go with it, and none of this is going to be covered, which means
that it will cost, and I will do what I can for him to have this done and
have the scars as minimal as possible. It makes me want to hunt this lawyer
down and tell him NOW because it's just not fair to a 5 year old... Even
though I know it's still so early and the wound is so fresh and still needs
time to heal. Even when I was told scars would be minimal, I seem to doubt
that deep down.
Is there a good way that I can handle this? What can I say or should I not
say to him when he says that the other kids are staring? I feel that it's
in HIS best interest, for him and the way he thinks and feels, to keep it
covered if that's what he wants. He usually has no problem keeping it open
while at home or familiar places, but out in public is when it seems to be
an issue and thought for him...
Any suggestions from that mess of babbling?
Anything would be much appreciated... I'm just at a loss as to what I should
do
I think your boy has experienced negative reactions and emotions when
the bandade is off his forehead.

I believe that your boy is getting more attention when there is a
bandade on his head, then when there is no bandade. He is experiencing
enforcing powers of attention from the other children, emotional
support from you that you think are negative but he thinks is positive
that cause him to prefer a bandade rather than go without.

I would remove the bandade and enforce positive reinforcement and
attention. This would resort to doing something that he really enjoys
to get his mind off the experience. Give him attention with the
bandade off. This may sound barbarric, but provide some means to
withholding attention when he wants the bandade on. This would mean
that he cannot play with the other kids if the bandade is on his head
because we are so concerned that it will bleed again or cause harm to
him if he was playing with the other children.

I don't support lying to children, but you could throw away all
bandages, stickers, etc. and tell him that you have no more bandades
and you are not planning on buying any bandades anymore because the
doctor said we don't need them.

t Michael t


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