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#11
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Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...
"Banty" wrote in message ... Ah, yes - the breezy, cheerily offered suggestions to "volunteer regularly", the school secretary who called HOME with all questions or problems then complained about my inaccessibility until I took to circling my WORK number twice in red ink and pointing two red arrows to it on the information forms, the "we'd like your son to show his science fair project at class this morning, but please come by at 3:15 dismissal to pick it up" - I know the elementary educational establishments utter denseness about working mothers well. My favorite is when you give them your current location phone number because they say they are going to call you back shortly, but then they go and look up your home phone number and can't understand why they only get the answering machine. Doctors, schools, and others are all guilty. -Aula |
#12
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Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...
In article ,
Kimberly wrote: I've tried everything. I've tried being very firm with him (very), closing the classroom door, etc. I've tried "talking" to him - nothing works. I've tried dropping him off at the curb (they have a car system where a teacher will walk the k'gartners to their class) and its even worse. Poor guy -- and poor you! We've been through this a few times for various reasons and it is absolutely heart-wrenching. Once, it was a new school. Another time, it was a teacher who was just absolutely not the right fit for Henry, and after sticking it out for a while (she was not abusive, although the particular mix of her personality with his, along with the mix of his inability to pick up nonverbal signals (a part of his ADD) and her temporary hearing loss, was darned-near emotionally abusive for him -- and probably her too!). I do think that each time we've handled it a little better than the time before, and he's developed a resilience over time. There has been some excellent advice here that I won't repeat in detail. Absolutely ask the school for help, and absolutely find a way to verify that there is no hidden, horrific reason for his outbursts (I'm not sure I'd have a parent volunteer -- that would exacerbate the separation anxiety -- do you trust a fellow parent to do this surveilance?) I have a few additional thoughts: -Be absolutely sure you are instilling confidence in him. Hard as it is, don't make the mistake of joining his pity party. This is tricky. When our kids are that upset we naturally want to just scoop them up and love them to death. But that sends a message that we, too, are worried they can't succeed in the situation. An excellent counselor and a patient, loving spouse had to practically hit me over the head to get this one through to me -- I was either furiously stern or weepily nurturing, with very little in-between. Let him know you get the message without being gushy. Phrases like, "I can see how upset you are. It's hard for you do do this, but I know you can do it. You're a great kid and a strong person, and you're going to be successful in school." (rinse, repeat, as needed) Another way to help him do this is through giving him a vision: "It's hard for you now, but I know by Halloween you will have some good friends and it will be exciting for you to come to school to see them every day." Or, share your own experience. "I remember when I started Kindergarten I was afraid I would not be able to remember all the rules the teacher had for us. But in a few weeks, I didn't even have to think about the rules because they came naturally. You're a good kid and I know you'll get very used to following the rules in a short time." Keep telling yourself, "what am I doing to help him feel confident and capable?" -In a calm moment later in the day, review what happened and ask your *child* what you can do to help prevent it in the future. What would make it easier for him? And then (this is the hard part for me) -- *be quiet* and *really listen* to the answer. You might get nonsense at first "Don't send me to school," or you might get things you aren't willing/able to do, like "Billy's mom home-schools him, you should do that too," but you can review your reasons why those solutions won't work and redirect him back to "You're going to need to go to school every day and right now it's so hard. How can we make it easier?" Take him up on any reasonable suggestion, even if it's that he is convinced that strawberry poptarts for breakfast would make him feel better. The reason for this is that he probably feels so out of control in this and you can hand him back some control. -When he has successes, praise him, but don't make such a huge deal of it that it sends the unconscious message that you're completely surprised that he was able to do it. I think it was Tom Landry who said that he didn't like end-zone celebrations because he wanted his players to "act like they've been there before" when they made a touchdown. Same here -- help him feel good but let him know, too, that you knew he could do it all along. On this last vein, my husband and I have two new neat little communication tricks that we picked up on various reading/news program listening. The one I heard was that while adults shy away from telling fellow *adults* how to feel, it's actually quite helpful to coach your children on this. "You did well this morning! You should be proud!" Kids need help learning appropriate reactions and we're allowed to help. The one my husband learned was to not just gush to kids individually, but let them know how their actions help others. Instead of "good for you for being ready to leave the house on time this morning!" try "thanks for being ready on time. It helps me get to work on time, and when I do that I can come home earlier so that everyone in our family can enjoy more time together." FWIW we find all of this has been very helpful. And, I'm happy to report, Henry has had an incredibly positive first two days in a new school, new community 1500 miles from his old school. I'd like to think some of these lessons learned -- both through experience over the years and through experts over the media -- have played a role, but I know it really came down to his choice to try to make it work. In the end, you need to find a way to help your son make that same choice. Good luck to you in the meantime. It's such a bummer. -Dawn Mom to Henry, 10 |
#13
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Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...
dragonlady wrote in
: [snip] It gets worse in some ways: there have been several times when the school needed to reach me, tried me at home and at a work number -- then left my kid in the nurses office for the rest of the day when they couldn't reach me, instead of calling their Dad! (I was told that they hate to bother men at work; this was less than 10 years ago, and I was, frankly, too stunned to even respond.) Do the school just have the parents' numbers? Over here, the schools my kids go to have always asked for numbers for other people, in case the parents are unavailable. So, in the situation described, they would have tried me, and then tried the other alternative numbers. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#14
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Classroom Volunteering and WOH parents (was: Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...)
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#15
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Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...
In article ,
Penny Gaines wrote: dragonlady wrote in : [snip] It gets worse in some ways: there have been several times when the school needed to reach me, tried me at home and at a work number -- then left my kid in the nurses office for the rest of the day when they couldn't reach me, instead of calling their Dad! (I was told that they hate to bother men at work; this was less than 10 years ago, and I was, frankly, too stunned to even respond.) Do the school just have the parents' numbers? Over here, the schools my kids go to have always asked for numbers for other people, in case the parents are unavailable. So, in the situation described, they would have tried me, and then tried the other alternative numbers. At the time, I was too new in town to have had any other numbers to give them -- but since they didn't even go far enough down the list to call the kids' Dad, I can't imagine that they'd have called someone else! meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#16
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Classroom Volunteering and WOH parents (was: Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...)
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#17
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Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...
"Penny Gaines" wrote in message ... dragonlady wrote in : [snip] It gets worse in some ways: there have been several times when the school needed to reach me, tried me at home and at a work number -- then left my kid in the nurses office for the rest of the day when they couldn't reach me, instead of calling their Dad! (I was told that they hate to bother men at work; this was less than 10 years ago, and I was, frankly, too stunned to even respond.) Do the school just have the parents' numbers? Over here, the schools my kids go to have always asked for numbers for other people, in case the parents are unavailable. So, in the situation described, they would have tried me, and then tried the other alternative numbers. So in the UK they would call the emergency numbers before calling their father? |
#18
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Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...
In article , Banty
writes: I know the elementary educational establishments utter denseness about working mothers well. Try them on a stay at home father sometime. School nurse: DD#2 must be picked up from school. Me, at work 30 miles away: Did you call her Dad, at home? Nurse: No, I think Moms are better at this. This was for a kid with a cold sore. -Marjorie |
#19
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New town/emergency contact (was: Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...)
At the time, I was too new in town to have had any other numbers to give
them -- Does anyone have suggestions regarding this? We are brand, spanking new in our new community -- been here 5 whole weeks. My husband is reluctant to ask work friends to be our emergency contact since most of the folks he's gotten to know work *for* him and it seems like an unfair request from a supervisor to a subordinate. We haven't yet found a church, and we barely know neighbors. Has anyone out there solved this creatively? |
#20
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Kindergarten - my child "going postal" every morning...
"Bev Brandt" wrote in message m... I'm thinking of suggesting to the PTO that we have some sort of working parent educational committee. The mission of which will be to help the school staff communicate with the working parent. Problem is, they'll want me to head up the committee... Naah, tell them your husband can head up the committee. He's closer and more mobile. beeswing |
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