Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

On Mon, 12 Apr 2004 09:47:25 +1200, Amy wrote:

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? My mother knows the stress the family
situation puts on my sister & I. I just wonder how insensitive it would be
to say to her, "We'd love you to look after our little girl, at our place"
when she'll know full well that my DH's parents are having her over whenever
they like.

It is always hard finding a balance in these things, and you are dealing
with a lot of complicating factors. If your mom understands the stress,
then I'd say talk to her about this like you did just now here. Explain
why you feel uncomfortable leaving the baby at their home, but that she is
always welcome to come over and see the baby at your place whenever she
wants to. HTH.

--
-- I
mommy to DS (21m)
mommy to two tiny angels (28 Oct 2003 & 17 Feb 2004)
guardian of DH (33)

Thanks Ilse :-) We have a little time yet, so I'm sure I can come up with a
good way to explain how I feel.

"Ilse Witch" wrote in message
news
On Mon, 12 Apr 2004 09:47:25 +1200, Amy wrote:

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? My mother knows the stress the
family
situation puts on my sister & I. I just wonder how insensitive it would
be
to say to her, "We'd love you to look after our little girl, at our
place"
when she'll know full well that my DH's parents are having her over
whenever
they like.

It is always hard finding a balance in these things, and you are dealing
with a lot of complicating factors. If your mom understands the stress,
then I'd say talk to her about this like you did just now here. Explain
why you feel uncomfortable leaving the baby at their home, but that she is
always welcome to come over and see the baby at your place whenever she
wants to. HTH.

--
-- I
mommy to DS (21m)
mommy to two tiny angels (28 Oct 2003 & 17 Feb 2004)
guardian of DH (33)

"Amy" wrote in message ...
(snip)

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? My mother knows the stress the family
situation puts on my sister & I. I just wonder how insensitive it would be
to say to her, "We'd love you to look after our little girl, at our place"
when she'll know full well that my DH's parents are having her over whenever
they like.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Hope that helps.

Sigh...I know how difficult it can be. For quite a long time, when we
(dh and ds) would go "back home" where our parents live, we would only
stay with my MIL/FIL...even though she drives me a bit nuts, because
my Mom is a chain smoker. About a year ago my Mom stopped smoking in
her house (actually I think she still does on occassion when we are
here (home)...not planning to visit for awhile... because I can still
somewhat smell the stale tobacco in the house....mostly the carpets).
My Mom makes me nuts for other reasons as well...loong story. I think
I've covered the story about throwing her out of my house 4 days after
ds was born because she freaked out and was freaking me out. My dh
feels she disapproves of him as well...which I can't argue
with...there is some nasty history there.

But, over the last few years my MIL has become increasingly difficult
to deal with...drunk every time we stay there...bawling about her
marital problems (things I don't think you should tell your kids
about...infidelity and such)and problems with her other kids (all
quite grown up and capable of making their own decisions...which is
the problem). We have listened to, counseled her, tried to get her to
go to counseling...to no avail. She's an attention hound (I'm really
not exaggerating). Last year she freaked out and tried to commit
suicide. And so no one thinks I'm being insensitive...when I was 15/16
I went through my older brother's belongings because he wasn't acting
quite right...and found his suicide note. I practically broke down the
door he had locked himself behind to take the overdose of sleeping
pills. He was diagnosed bi-polar. Over the next few years I tried to
have him committed short term when he was having episodes of
mania/depression(went to the police with my Dad), and took weopons out
of his possession (knives, guns...he was a cop). Of course...he also
talked alot to me...still does. My MIL is different...she wants
attention, not help.

We also have the dog issue at the in-laws...snappy little yorkies that
pee everywhere...and my MIL feels pretty much above cleaning...another
reason I no longer wish to stay there...I end up the maid...have been
for 17 years.

So...to make a short story long ...my Dad is here watching ds for me
currently (leaving Sunday unfortunately) and we are going to try to
work something out when I'm closer to my due date (we need someone to
watch ds while when I am in the hospital).

On top of all the above...I understand how you feel (I think). You
love your Mom (and family in general), but are not willing to put your
baby in harm's way. It's not that you want to hurt your famly...it's
that you don't want your child to get hurt. Sometimes, being a good
Mom (parent) means doing what is best for your child regardless of
other's feelings. The parents and in-laws are adults...they should be
able to get over the hurt feelings...if they can't, you just have to
day "too bad, my kid is more important".

Good luck. I know it's hard. Sounds like you want to do the best for
your baby.

aml