Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent.(BC, Canada)

Hi,

My wife has sole custody of her two children (aged 12 and 9) from a previous relationship. Their
father pays child support, largely due to his insistence in taking my wife to court twice (and
losing badly, twice), when my wife would have been happy to settle through mediation. The support
payments are managed by British Columbia's Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which has put an
end to humiliating front-door confrontations over finances.

The 12 year-old has been going through a particularly difficult transition to her teenage years, and
we have experienced several months of increasingly insolent and provocative behaviour from her in an
apparent attempt to provoke a confrontation. We do not use corporal punishment, and this dispute
mainly centered around issues of courtesy and minor chores--nothing out of the ordinary at all.
(We're a pretty boring middle-class professional family.) We have been in contact with our
daughter's school counsellor, and have ourselves gone to counselling to help develop some parenting
strategies for this difficult time.

Three weeks ago, she finally managed to provoke her mother into a major confrontation, and took that
as her pretext to pack her bags, even though we asked her not to. She has gone to live with her
father (who had similar problems with her last year and even asked to end his OWN access to her at
the time). He is now exultantly claiming that he has effective custody of her, even though the
court order is still in effect and we have made it clear we would like her to come back home. He
also claims that she is now able to choose where she will live, and has chosen to live with him
permanently (he lives by choice in a one-room studio apartment). He is even threatening to go to
court in an attempt to gain sole custody of BOTH children if my wife does not agree voluntarily to
relieve him of his court-ordered child support obligations.

So, my questions are these:

- Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our
daughter come back home?
- Are 12 year-olds allowed to decide where they want to live (outside of a custody hearing, that is)?
- At what point is my wife considered to have forfeited her court-ordered custody of her daughter?

From reading this group, I know this kind of thing is a politically charged topic for many people.
I urge you not to think of our situation in this way; the father in this case has been diagnosed
with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and appears to care far less about his children than he does
about getting revenge on my wife and removing his child-support obligations, which he regards as a
humiliating aspersion on his character.

Thanks.