UPDATE: playgroup fiasco

Catherine Woodgold wrote:
"-L." ) writes:
The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

Actually, there were other things. There was the fact
that she'd never met you before. Maybe she wants about
2 or 3 friends in the playgroup, and already has those.
If her purpose is to socialize with a small number of
friends, refusing to socialize with others doesn't defeat
that purpose of hers. There may also have been things
about your manner. Maybe she only socializes with people
who walk a certain way, or move their eyes around a lot
or don't move their eyes around a lot, or something.
Maybe she just gets a feeling when she looks at someone.
Some people can read signals like that very quickly.
Maybe all she needs is to see someone walk across the
room once. I'm just saying that many things are
possible.

Ok, you are right, but I just find that extremely *weird*. Especially
in a playgroup that is supposedly set up to encourage interaction
between Moms as well as the kids.

-L.

In article , Catherine Woodgold says...

Banty ) writes:
Occurs to me that we've not come up with the most obvious advice - she can break
the ice and talk with this woman, and see if she warms up!

That's what I was suggesting!

Um, I mean without bringing up race and doing hand-signal histrionics.

Banty

"-L." wrote in message
oups.com...

toypup wrote:

I can't see how - we have only been around them once when this first
happened and then a couple more times.

But personality type is easy to spot from the first meeting. I mean, you
may not really know someone, but you can spot the aggressive person, the
shy
person, the social butterfly, etc.

I can't see how I could make that judgement being around a person only
once. I mean, we are all there supposedly for the same reason - so our
kids can play and so we can talk to other Moms (that's sort of the
charter). I assume everyone is nice and friendly unless proven
otherwise.

I would give people the benefit of the doubt, but surely you can tell if
someone is aggressive or awkward or a social butterfly after a first
meeting, can you not? It doesn't mean they are not nice and friendly if you
were to get to know them better, but the basic personality trait is there.

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Catherine Woodgold says...

Banty ) writes:
Occurs to me that we've not come up with the most obvious advice - she
can break
the ice and talk with this woman, and see if she warms up!

That's what I was suggesting!

Um, I mean without bringing up race and doing hand-signal histrionics.

ROTFLOL!

"-L." wrote in message
oups.com...
True, and it doesn't really worry me. I just find it very *odd*
behavior, as no one else in the playgroup acts this way. We missed
today because we are sick, so I didn't get to ask my friend if she
noticed anything strange.

But haven't you been in groups where someone in it acts odd? I mean, not
everyone in every group acts like everyone else. Not everyone is always
friendly. I would just chalk it up to one not as friendly person and just
go on with it. She may eventually come around, or maybe not, but she's just
one person in your group.

"-L." wrote in message
oups.com...
Ok, you are right, but I just find that extremely *weird*. Especially
in a playgroup that is supposedly set up to encourage interaction
between Moms as well as the kids.

But Cathy's right. She may have found the number of people she wants to
interact with and that's it. FWIW, when I join playgroups, it is for the
benefit of my kids. I don't have any real interest in interacting with the
women on anything other than an acquaintance level as my social calendar is
as full as I am willing to make it. I have enought playdates with my
friends' children and unless my kids hit it off with someone, I don't want
playdates with anyone else. Most moms there are SAHM's and want to make it
a social activity for themselves and I tend to be a bit more standoffish,
since I don't want that level of involvement. Mostly, I make smalltalk here
and there, but anything looking like it's approaching more than that, I give
my subtle signals. (Don't know what they are, but when I get less
comfortable with the level of involvement someone wants, it lessens, so I
must be giving off signals.)

On Tue, 31 Jan 2006 03:32:24 GMT, "toypup"
wrote:


"-L." wrote in message
roups.com...
True, and it doesn't really worry me. I just find it very *odd*
behavior, as no one else in the playgroup acts this way. We missed
today because we are sick, so I didn't get to ask my friend if she
noticed anything strange.

But haven't you been in groups where someone in it acts odd? I mean, not
everyone in every group acts like everyone else. Not everyone is always
friendly. I would just chalk it up to one not as friendly person and just
go on with it. She may eventually come around, or maybe not, but she's just
one person in your group.

Yeah, maybe she just isn't a Stepford Wife



--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

toypup wrote:
"-L." wrote in message
oups.com...
True, and it doesn't really worry me. I just find it very *odd*
behavior, as no one else in the playgroup acts this way. We missed
today because we are sick, so I didn't get to ask my friend if she
noticed anything strange.

But haven't you been in groups where someone in it acts odd? I mean, not
everyone in every group acts like everyone else. Not everyone is always
friendly.

Guess I am lucky in that I hang out with friendly people. People here
seem to go out of their way to make others feel welcome, especially in
new situations. You bring up a good point though - maybe she is from a
part of the country that is culturally different.

I would just chalk it up to one not as friendly person and just
go on with it. She may eventually come around, or maybe not, but she's just
one person in your group.

Oh I will - I am not really bothered by it as I have made good
acquaintence with everyone else in the group and have a couple of
friends there, as well. I am just wondering if anyone else has noticed
odd behavior from her. I will only discuss this with my good friend as
I don't want to gossip about her.

-L.

toypup wrote:

But Cathy's right. She may have found the number of people she wants to
interact with and that's it. FWIW, when I join playgroups, it is for the
benefit of my kids. I don't have any real interest in interacting with the
women on anything other than an acquaintance level as my social calendar is
as full as I am willing to make it. I have enought playdates with my
friends' children and unless my kids hit it off with someone, I don't want
playdates with anyone else. Most moms there are SAHM's and want to make it
a social activity for themselves and I tend to be a bit more standoffish,
since I don't want that level of involvement. Mostly, I make smalltalk here
and there, but anything looking like it's approaching more than that, I give
my subtle signals. (Don't know what they are, but when I get less
comfortable with the level of involvement someone wants, it lessens, so I
must be giving off signals.)

But she doesn't even do the "small talk" - that's what is weird. And
she was "rude" (for lack of better word) to DS. That is what bothers
me the most, I guess, as he's an innocent.

99% of what I do there is small talk as well - It just almost seems as
if she is hostile when I can't figure out why there would be a reason
to be so. I guess when I say the group is designed for interaction
between the parents and the children what I am trying to say is I
expect people to be friendly, at least to the children, since it is a
child-centered activity. She clearly isn't friendly. I don't know if
she is the same with other kids - I pretty much ignored her after the
first couple "negative" interactions. I don't want to be friends with
her - I was just put off by the fact that she was so cold when it came
to the bare minimum of small talk - it was just kind of...bizarre,
really.

Someone else mentioned there was a nanny who "hated" her and her child
in their play group. I was also (in my OP) just wondering how common
this kind of thing was/is...?

-L.

toypup wrote:
I would give people the benefit of the doubt, but surely you can tell if
someone is aggressive or awkward or a social butterfly after a first
meeting, can you not?

Yes, I suppose so, at first meeting. You can at least tell if they are
receptive or not, and how comfortable they are in meeting you/with the
situation.

It doesn't mean they are not nice and friendly if you
were to get to know them better, but the basic personality trait is there.

Maybe that is why this woman seemed so weird - she gave me absolutley
*no* feedback to go on. I couldn't tell you anything about her except
she was deadpan, cold and completely unresponsive to DS's attempts at
making contact with her.

-L.