Baby at wedding

In ,
XOR wrote:

*"so here is the story! we are having a married couple in our
*wedding....a BM & GM ---we met at their wedding --I was a BM and my FI
*was a GM..aww!
*ANYWAY!
*so --the couple has a one yr old boy who cannot HARDLY STAND to be
*away from his mother! it is just that phase i guess---but literally

snip

*SO --WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IS he is going to BALL when they are

Um. I am having disturbing mental images of this. Anyone else??

*walkig down isle and standing up at alter with us cuz he can't be his
*mommy...And crap, - i am just not in mood for that! she even mentioned
*she may have to HOLD him up there?!!!

Well, I don't know what the problem is. Why can't she have him with her
exactly? Do you not like him or just don't feel like including him? I was
a BM at my BIL's wedding, and my son wore a little tuxedo and I carried
him to the chuppah and he fell asleep on me during the ceremony. BFD.

*has anyoen dealt with this scenario?

Yes, as outlined above.
I guess if you really don't want him there, you have to tell your friends
and hope for them to be understanding. give them a way to bow out
gracefully if so desired, though. Personally I would probably just figure
"love them, love their kids" and go for it

--
Hillary Israeli, VMD
Lafayette Hill/PA/USA/Earth
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is
too dark to read." --Groucho Marx

"Bruce Bridgman and Jeanne Yang" wrote in
message ...

"Chotii" wrote in message
...

"Mary Gordon" wrote in message
om...

It really is amazing when you've been through it - you discover that
kiddo will survive a couple of hours of separation just fine.

On the other hand, I have attempted to babysit a child who had separation
anxiety so badly that she literally, and I do mean literally, screamed
the
entire time her mother was gone (on the line of 2 hours).

Of course the child "survived", but what a horrible thing to inflict on
him.

Oh forget the child. The child won't remember the "horrible thing"
inflicted on him/her. The babysitter on the other hand will remember for
years afterwards.

Quite a bit of abuse could be inflicted upon the child that the child will
survive and will not remember. That doesn't mean it should be done. The
fact that it's traumatizing at the moment should have significant bearing on
the parent's conscience on whether or not something should be done.
Everyone knows their child best. No one should go against their natural
instinct. If a parent feels the child will be okay, then fine; but if a
parent feels it's just too much, then it's okay to go with it without anyone
being judgemental about it.

On Wed, 01 Sep 2004 00:26:01 GMT, "Chotii"
wrote:
On the other hand, I have attempted to babysit a child who had separation
anxiety so badly that she literally, and I do mean literally, screamed the
entire time her mother was gone (on the line of 2 hours).

This is my third daughter...we've had to leave her with someone up to
4.5 hours and she literally screamed the whole time. Every single time
we've left her with anyone (always my MIL, who she knows better than
any other relatives and sees 2-3 times a week) she screams the whole
time. It's not always a case of "dealing with separation anxiety".
Some babies are just that way. She was this way, even with her father,
who lives here! (she finally got over that by about a year old-she's
almost 2 now)

Of course the child "survived", but what a horrible thing to inflict on him.
To put yourself in the child's shoes, just imagine how you'd feel if
somebody you didn't know suddenly took you away from all the important
people in your life, including your children, and held you against your will
and unable to get to them, see them, or talk to them for a couple of hours,
and you didn't know why because you didn't speak their language? How upset
would you be? How traumatised? Why do we shrug this off and say "The kid
will survive"? Survival is not the only measure of success.

That is why I don't try to leave my daughter more often. My older two
were just fine and dandy, even as babies. Just because my daughter
lives through it does not mean it's ok to do it, at all.

I must agree with whoever said "If she can't leave the child with a sitter
at this time, then she should bow out." And if her friends will not permit
her to bow out, then they are truly selfish, putting their own wishes above
the needs of a child.

I also agree she should bow out if she can't leave her baby. But I am
curious...how can they not permit her to bow out? Or do you mean they
are selfish if they are angry and end the friendship if she does not
participate?
Marie

(XOR) wrote in message . com...
Hi all, I am curious to see what sort of comments you all with more
experience have. This isn't my question, this is stolen from another
chat group for weddings. Thanks!


"so here is the story! we are having a married couple in our
wedding....a BM & GM ---we met at their wedding --I was a BM and my FI
was a GM..aww!
ANYWAY!
so --the couple has a one yr old boy who cannot HARDLY STAND to be
away from his mother! it is just that phase i guess---but literally
-if she drops him off at daycare at the gym to work out he cries until
he hypervenelates, etc. !!! when she came to my shower weekend and
brought him --he was a cryin the whole weekend.
- now, i hope i dont' sound insensitive ---i know baby's cry, etc.
etc.
BUT! THEY WERE Going to get a babysittter when they came to town to be
in wedding..I had asked a neighbor girl to b-sit and she agreed. it
was all set.
well now, michael seems to have gotten worse in the crying when away
from mommy ordeal and so they feel they can't leave him with a
babysitter for wedding...and he is NOW coming to wed.
SO --WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IS he is going to BALL when they are
walkig down isle and standing up at alter with us cuz he can't be his
mommy...And crap, - i am just not in mood for that! she even mentioned
she may have to HOLD him up there?!!!

I am having so much trouble imagining a real person being so
irrational about their child that they would suggest holding him at
the altar during another person's wedding that I have to wonder if
this post is from a troll.

An ultra-attached baby is *exactly* the type you and the mother/BM
cannot have at that wedding. (I had one of 'em, so I know exactly how
these scenes play out.) She must either leave the child with a
babysitter for the, what, 60 minutes maximum that it takes to be your
BM, or she needs to back out.

This will be very delicate for you to handle, though. I would have a
private, calm talk with her in which I would extremely nicely tell her
that you are totally OK with the baby being at the reception, or even
at the wedding if she (mom/BM) were going to be sitting in an aisle,
and that you totally understand the situation with him being so
attached and all, but that you really don't think you can risk having
him in the church with his mom since he might insist on coming up to
the altar to be with her, which would of course be completely
impossible, or bawl his head off, which would of course be completely
impossible. Does she think she could stand to have him with your very
trusted sitter for just that very short period of time? (I hope you
have time to ask a new BM to take her place!) Good luck!!

I guess i am just not in mood to deal with a baby up at alter to! am i
being the devil?
ugh!
WHAT TO DO?
has anyoen dealt with this scenario?

hmm, adults only ceremonies are making more and more sense to me!"

"Chotii" wrote:


"Mary Gordon" wrote in message
. com...

It really is amazing when you've been through it - you discover that
kiddo will survive a couple of hours of separation just fine.

On the other hand, I have attempted to babysit a child who had separation
anxiety so badly that she literally, and I do mean literally, screamed the
entire time her mother was gone (on the line of 2 hours).

Most of these children that people say they've baby sat for when the
child screamed the whole time appear to be 7 to 9 months - what ages
do separation anxiety usually appear? When does it disappear? The
child in question is a year old. Will he be this way forever? What
do people do who have to go back to work at 6 weeks? Is it that the
child gets used to it early?

Does no one try to deal with this in some kind of gradual manner? Mom
goes for 5 minutes to take a shower and comes back - many times. Then
Mom goes to the post office for a half hour and ditto.

Is there literally no way to deal with this at all. I don't know
because I never had the problem. My kids might cry a little when I
left them in the nursery, but they stopped when I was out of sight.

Of course the child "survived", but what a horrible thing to inflict on him.
To put yourself in the child's shoes, just imagine how you'd feel if
somebody you didn't know suddenly took you away from all the important
people in your life, including your children, and held you against your will
and unable to get to them, see them, or talk to them for a couple of hours,
and you didn't know why because you didn't speak their language? How upset
would you be? How traumatised? Why do we shrug this off and say "The kid
will survive"? Survival is not the only measure of success.

I don't know that this is analogous. My grandson who died of cancer
did not have a fear of the cancer because he didn't understand that he
was sick. It was far harder on his parents and grandparents because
they knew.

I would tend to think that a child of a year has found out that if he
screams continuously that his mom will come back, and since he has no
concept of anything except himself, and he wants his mom there, he
screams continuously until he gets her

The little boy who was adopted is a different case because he has had
bad experiences where people haven't come back.. This child hasn't
had any of that.

Also, by the time they are a year, they do have some language skills.
They may not be able to express themselves, but they understand quite
a lot. My dh went to see for several months when dd #1 was a toddler,
and I could explain it to her and it calmed her down.

I must agree with whoever said "If she can't leave the child with a sitter
at this time, then she should bow out." And if her friends will not permit
her to bow out, then they are truly selfish, putting their own wishes above
the needs of a child.

--angela


grandma Rosalie

(Hillary Israeli) wrote:

In ,
XOR wrote:

*"so here is the story! we are having a married couple in our
*wedding....a BM & GM ---we met at their wedding --I was a BM and my FI
*was a GM..aww!
*ANYWAY!
*so --the couple has a one yr old boy who cannot HARDLY STAND to be
*away from his mother! it is just that phase i guess---but literally

snip

*SO --WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IS he is going to BALL when they are

Um. I am having disturbing mental images of this. Anyone else??

*walkig down isle and standing up at alter with us cuz he can't be his
*mommy...And crap, - i am just not in mood for that! she even mentioned
*she may have to HOLD him up there?!!!

Well, I don't know what the problem is. Why can't she have him with her
exactly? Do you not like him or just don't feel like including him? I was
a BM at my BIL's wedding, and my son wore a little tuxedo and I carried
him to the chuppah and he fell asleep on me during the ceremony. BFD.

Well it sounds like your BIL was OK with that. Was your BIL familiar
with your son and his behavior enough to know that he would be good
and/or that you could be counted on not to let him disrupt the
ceremony?

When my niece got married, she restricted all the children from being
at the actual ceremony (she had a Jewish wedding) and all the children
were babysat in the house (ceremony was outdoors). The only children
allowed at the reception were the children of the brides brother who
was a GM and those of the grooms sisters. [Although the uncle of the
bride brought his child of about 10 when she wasn't invited but that's
another problem.]

The person that posited the question (not the OP but copied from a
wedding bb of some kind) does NOT want the baby there and would not be
OK with that.. So she doesn't feel like including him. Why should
she have to include him if she doesn't want to? Some people are not
OK with children.

And I think part of the problem is that the bride does not know much
about children and does not know whether this one will be quiet during
the ceremony. Given her previous experience with this woman and her
child I can't see how you can blame her. My children usually take
their children outside a church if they are going to be noisy. But in
this case the mom is going to be part of the ceremony. If she is the
matron of honor it will be awkward to leave.

*has anyoen dealt with this scenario?

Yes, as outlined above.
I guess if you really don't want him there, you have to tell your friends
and hope for them to be understanding. give them a way to bow out
gracefully if so desired, though. Personally I would probably just figure
"love them, love their kids" and go for it

--
Hillary Israeli, VMD
Lafayette Hill/PA/USA/Earth
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is
too dark to read." --Groucho Marx



grandma Rosalie

"so here is the story! we are having a married couple in our
wedding....a BM & GM ---we met at their wedding --I was a BM and my FI
was a GM..aww!
ANYWAY!
so --the couple has a one yr old boy who cannot HARDLY STAND to be
away from his mother! it is just that phase i guess---but literally
-if she drops him off at daycare at the gym to work out he cries until
he hypervenelates, etc. !!! when she came to my shower weekend and
brought him --he was a cryin the whole weekend.
- now, i hope i dont' sound insensitive ---i know baby's cry, etc.
etc.
BUT! THEY WERE Going to get a babysittter when they came to town to be
in wedding..I had asked a neighbor girl to b-sit and she agreed. it
was all set.
well now, michael seems to have gotten worse in the crying when away
from mommy ordeal and so they feel they can't leave him with a
babysitter for wedding...and he is NOW coming to wed.
SO --WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IS he is going to BALL when they are
walkig down isle and standing up at alter with us cuz he can't be his
mommy...And crap, - i am just not in mood for that! she even mentioned
she may have to HOLD him up there?!!!
I guess i am just not in mood to deal with a baby up at alter to! am i
being the devil?
ugh!
WHAT TO DO?
has anyoen dealt with this scenario?

I love having little kids and babies at weddings. If I'd had an attendant
with a young child at my wedding, I would have included the child in the
wedding party as a matter of course and probably had a custom sling done to
match the outfit. But that's me. I know tons of moms who "wear" their babies
to weddings in silk slings or other fancy carriers and the kids do great.

As it was, I had a 36 1/2 week pg Matron of Honor, and we had a chair
available in case she needed to sit during the wedding. All the children in
the wedding were allowed to return to front-row seats as needed, and our
childcare was optional...at the child's option primarily.

Jenrose

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
Does no one try to deal with this in some kind of gradual manner? Mom
goes for 5 minutes to take a shower and comes back - many times. Then
Mom goes to the post office for a half hour and ditto.

Of course they deal with it. They deal with it in their own way. The
manner in which they deal with it may be too gradual to perceive. It is up
to the parent to deal with it in the way they know best. No one else is in
their shoes.

"toypup" wrote:


"Rosalie B." wrote in message
.. .
Does no one try to deal with this in some kind of gradual manner? Mom
goes for 5 minutes to take a shower and comes back - many times. Then
Mom goes to the post office for a half hour and ditto.

Of course they deal with it. They deal with it in their own way. The
manner in which they deal with it may be too gradual to perceive. It is up
to the parent to deal with it in the way they know best. No one else is in
their shoes.

I was not suggesting anything else nor did I require that the method
be perceptible. Telling me that they deal with it in their own way
doesn't give me any useful information.

I'm asking what people have done that has been successful and/or
unsuccessful. How long did it take? Is it likely that if it is not
dealt with that it will go away in the same time frame as if one does
something? Does this happen more with first children? Etc.


grandma Rosalie

I don't think a mother should feel that she should have to leave a baby who
will be that miserable as that when she is gone. OTOH, it is beyond rude for
the mother to suggest having the baby up on the altar with her. Some brides
might suggest it, and that would be very kind of them, but it is not the
bridesmaid's place to do so.

No, in this case, the bridesmaid needs to say that she is dreadfully sorry but
that she cannot leave the baby at this time, and that she hopes the bride will
forgive her for bowing out of the sedding party so late. For her part, the
bride should be understanding and do just that.


Leslie

Emily (2/4/91)
Jake (1/27/94)
Teddy (2/15/95)
William (3/5/01 -- VBA3C, 13 lbs. 5 oz.)
and Lorelei, expected 11/2/04

"Children come trailing clouds of glory from God, which is their home."
~ William Wordsworth