"I don't want to talk about it"

On Sat, 28 Jun 2003 13:58:32 -0700, "ajpdla"
wrote:

It's been some time since I have had the opportunity to post something in
here. But lately we have had an ongoing "problem" with our now
5-1/2-year-old son I thought I'd share and see what responses I get. I see
Steverino is still in here; so one can only wonder what's to come.

Try posting to misc.kids instead of here.

We live in a very rural community. Our neighbor has two boys, ages
6 and 4. Our son is now 5-1/2 and our daughter is now 2-1/2. They
play together like normal kids do. Some days are good. Some days
are bad. Yet, one "problem" remains. Our son does whatever he
can to "please" his playfriends. He loves to play. Wants to play all
the time. Normal.

It's now summertime. And, having graduated preschool, our son is
now off school (absent sporadic trips to daycare in town) until he
starts Kindergarten in September.

It seems as though this 6-year-old-boy threatens our son with leaving
if our son doesn't do what he wants him to do. We have been
witnessing this in increasing amounts over the past couple of days.
We, as parents, are now put in the position of having to run interference
for our kid lest he become totally dependent on this kid's attentions.

Why? It seems to me that this is something you have to let him learn
on his own. You can talk to him about how to stand up for himself,
though.

When we try to talk to our son about this, we get his standard
response: "I don't want to talk about it." We get this response
when we ask him how his days went at preschool (where he is
the top of his class for two weeks before other students, based
upon a progress chart) and whenever we want to talk to him about
"serious" stuff.


Aside:
What in the heck kind of preschool does this to kids? It's ridiculous
to compare children with that kind of grading in preschool

Try listening not talking and try bringing things up in a
non-threatening way. If you are lecturing him and telling him
what he should do, there is no wonder about why he doesn't
want to talk about things.

So my questions are this:

1. Do we continue to run interference for our son when we feel
that his own boundaries are being crossed and he doesn't
realize it?

No.

You cannot define his boundaries for him. He has to do that for
himself. If he doesn't think it is a problem, it is not one.

2. Do we involve the other kid's parents who we already know
believe they have the most perfect kids in the world, even though
many other parents have expressed complaints about their kids
(not to them personally, of course; but it is a small town and people
do talk).

Yes, I am sure they do. People do talk about other people in all
kinds of places.

Apparently, this 6-year-old boy has quite the potty mouth on him;

Many children at this age are experimenting with this kind of
language. The more reaction they get from adults for it the more
they will continue to use it.

although we have never personally experienced this kind of talk
from him (he would be sent home immediately) and our son does
not exhibit this language.

Then why bring it up here?

3. How do we get a 5-1/2-year-old to open up to his parents
and talk? The wife has sent him to his room until he will talk;
however, I do not feel this is the best course of action.

Punishing a child for not talking to you is just plain silly and you
won't win that battle. Aside from that he will close down more
as he gets older.

Please read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen
so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
If you consistently use these techniques, you will find that
it makes things much easier for both parent and child.

First, in the situations you see, can you tell if he feels bad
about what is happening? If so, then when he is finished
playing with this boy and you have seen his feelings get hurt,
acknowledge that, *I saw that you felt hurt when John said
he wouldn't play what you wanted to play.* This give him
the power to tell you more if he wants to do that. If he says
yes, he was feeling sad or hurt, then make sure you listen
with full attention and reflect back what he says so he knows
you understood. Turn toward him, look at him directly, let
him know you hear what he is saying (Do this even about
less serious things, btw)

Make sure that you are listening to him when he does want
to tell you something. Don't be talking to another adult or
on the phone or watching TV when he comes to you. Interrupt
what you are doing. After all, getting him to talk to you is
important. Why should he talk if you are not listening when
he really wants to talk. LISTEN even if you think the topic is
trivial. Respect his feelings and his expressions of his wishes.

Sometimes just saying *I see* is enough to allow the
floodgates to open.

Use *I* statements instead of you statements when you are
talking to him. Say *I don't much like having my sleeve pulled*
instead of *Stop that* or *you are always pulling on my sleeve*

Write notes.

Give him choices.

And trust him to be able to solve problems on his own.
(with a little help from you, but mostly on his own).

Once he does start talking to you, don't rush in with
your own solutions. Brainstorm with him. Let him
lead the way and you can help him choose the best
alternative from the ones he figures out. Some solutions
he comes up with may be unacceptable, but wait until
everything is spoken and listed before you begin to
rule out unacceptable actions.

Good luck





Thanks in advance.

AJPDLA


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits

In addition to all that "toto" wrote, I think first and foremost, make sure
you are treating your son with the utmost respect, admiration and kindness.
Make him feel like he is #1 (not the smartest, but loved unconditionally
[bag the punishments, etc.]) and that in itself will make any kind of
abusive behavior from others seem so foreign to him that he will not want
anything to do with it. Make him feel special and he have the
self-confidence to act on it (he will decide that these "friendships" are no
longer worth it to him and he deserves better).

Susan

"toto" wrote in message
...
On Sat, 28 Jun 2003 13:58:32 -0700, "ajpdla"
wrote:

It's been some time since I have had the opportunity to post something in
here. But lately we have had an ongoing "problem" with our now
5-1/2-year-old son I thought I'd share and see what responses I get. I
see
Steverino is still in here; so one can only wonder what's to come.

Try posting to misc.kids instead of here.

We live in a very rural community. Our neighbor has two boys, ages
6 and 4. Our son is now 5-1/2 and our daughter is now 2-1/2. They
play together like normal kids do. Some days are good. Some days
are bad. Yet, one "problem" remains. Our son does whatever he
can to "please" his playfriends. He loves to play. Wants to play all
the time. Normal.

It's now summertime. And, having graduated preschool, our son is
now off school (absent sporadic trips to daycare in town) until he
starts Kindergarten in September.

It seems as though this 6-year-old-boy threatens our son with leaving
if our son doesn't do what he wants him to do. We have been
witnessing this in increasing amounts over the past couple of days.
We, as parents, are now put in the position of having to run interference
for our kid lest he become totally dependent on this kid's attentions.

Why? It seems to me that this is something you have to let him learn
on his own. You can talk to him about how to stand up for himself,
though.

When we try to talk to our son about this, we get his standard
response: "I don't want to talk about it." We get this response
when we ask him how his days went at preschool (where he is
the top of his class for two weeks before other students, based
upon a progress chart) and whenever we want to talk to him about
"serious" stuff.


Aside:
What in the heck kind of preschool does this to kids? It's ridiculous
to compare children with that kind of grading in preschool

Try listening not talking and try bringing things up in a
non-threatening way. If you are lecturing him and telling him
what he should do, there is no wonder about why he doesn't
want to talk about things.

So my questions are this:

1. Do we continue to run interference for our son when we feel
that his own boundaries are being crossed and he doesn't
realize it?

No.

You cannot define his boundaries for him. He has to do that for
himself. If he doesn't think it is a problem, it is not one.

2. Do we involve the other kid's parents who we already know
believe they have the most perfect kids in the world, even though
many other parents have expressed complaints about their kids
(not to them personally, of course; but it is a small town and people
do talk).

Yes, I am sure they do. People do talk about other people in all
kinds of places.

Apparently, this 6-year-old boy has quite the potty mouth on him;

Many children at this age are experimenting with this kind of
language. The more reaction they get from adults for it the more
they will continue to use it.

although we have never personally experienced this kind of talk
from him (he would be sent home immediately) and our son does
not exhibit this language.

Then why bring it up here?

3. How do we get a 5-1/2-year-old to open up to his parents
and talk? The wife has sent him to his room until he will talk;
however, I do not feel this is the best course of action.

Punishing a child for not talking to you is just plain silly and you
won't win that battle. Aside from that he will close down more
as he gets older.

Please read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen
so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
If you consistently use these techniques, you will find that
it makes things much easier for both parent and child.

First, in the situations you see, can you tell if he feels bad
about what is happening? If so, then when he is finished
playing with this boy and you have seen his feelings get hurt,
acknowledge that, *I saw that you felt hurt when John said
he wouldn't play what you wanted to play.* This give him
the power to tell you more if he wants to do that. If he says
yes, he was feeling sad or hurt, then make sure you listen
with full attention and reflect back what he says so he knows
you understood. Turn toward him, look at him directly, let
him know you hear what he is saying (Do this even about
less serious things, btw)

Make sure that you are listening to him when he does want
to tell you something. Don't be talking to another adult or
on the phone or watching TV when he comes to you. Interrupt
what you are doing. After all, getting him to talk to you is
important. Why should he talk if you are not listening when
he really wants to talk. LISTEN even if you think the topic is
trivial. Respect his feelings and his expressions of his wishes.

Sometimes just saying *I see* is enough to allow the
floodgates to open.

Use *I* statements instead of you statements when you are
talking to him. Say *I don't much like having my sleeve pulled*
instead of *Stop that* or *you are always pulling on my sleeve*

Write notes.

Give him choices.

And trust him to be able to solve problems on his own.
(with a little help from you, but mostly on his own).

Once he does start talking to you, don't rush in with
your own solutions. Brainstorm with him. Let him
lead the way and you can help him choose the best
alternative from the ones he figures out. Some solutions
he comes up with may be unacceptable, but wait until
everything is spoken and listed before you begin to
rule out unacceptable actions.

Good luck





Thanks in advance.

AJPDLA


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits