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#111
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
Betsy wrote:
Okay, I HAVE been abused. I have to say that I agree with what these folks are saying to the extent of ignoring it. As my mother once had a T-shirt that said, "Don't let the *******s get you down." YOU have the power to not read the posts. I never said it was your fault. You read that into it. oh. I guess that is what I am used to hearing from some of the longtime regulars here. I just took a trip down memory lane on google.com (the newsgroup archive that goes back years and years of everything we post online) and I read with horror how most of the time that I have posted here I have been ganged up on by some real jerks that used to post here who pretty much were a "clique" and labeled me the dysfunctional group scapegoat. It's a role I am used to as I was the family scapegoat, my family was very abusive and I was the threat, I was the one who kept pointing it out and I was the one who made my mom do something about it. No wonder she hates me. So I have this thing about being told to keep quiet or to ignore anything resembling abuse or injustice. Even though in most cases ignoring is the most effective way to deal with bullying or "trolling" behavior. My YWCA advocate is funny. She said, "never wrestle with pigs. You get dirty and the pigs like it." Basically, however you control your reaction to it. The root of the serenity prayer. I get it. I don't think anything I say will make a difference. You have your belief system. I hope it works for you. I was sharing what works for me. Good Luck Betsy Thank you for your persistence with me. you are brave, LOL. |
#112
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
Laura wrote:
Lorian, I'm sorry things have gotten to this point. Both you and your son are clearly suffering a great deal. I think it's a very good thing that you're working with the foster care system to find a stable home for him. That seems the best solution in the short term given your resources and his age. Some distance between you two will allow you both to get your equilibrium back and figure out what to do with the assistance of neutral counselors. I hope that you can spend some time tending to your own needs and he, separately, can be helped with the tremendous issues he must be facing. Peace to you both. lm Hi Laura, I haven't talked to you in so long, I wish it were under better circumstances, thank you for your words of hope and peace. |
#113
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
Betsy wrote:
I suppose I shall discover in time, if this is going to continue. One never knows when another may begin the change needed. I have done what I can, and will let time tell the rest. I have learned, the hard way, not to invest too much of myself 'saving' other people. I share my story(ies) and what worked for me. Where I am now, is miles from where I was 12 years ago. It took 12 years to get here, but I am here. I can only act as a guide to those willing to accept guidance. No more need be said. Or rather, I will say no more. what are you talking to HIM for? I have already admitted to needing to change, Paul is in denial and clearly abusive calling me looney lorain on here all the time yet insisting that he is doing nothing wrong, don't talk to him about how hard you have it convincing me that I need to change. That ruins your credibility. Otherwise, I do take your words to heart and appreciate your efforts to help me and my son, and I love your .sig lines, they are funny. |
#114
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
Paul Fritz wrote:
Being a victim is how looney validates her pathetic existence. Being a victim allows her to avoid the responsibilites of day to day life. Being a victim allows her to place blame everywhere except where it is deserved. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. You, however, are a predator and you sit here and make fun of my disability day in and day out no matter who calls you on it because you have no integrity and you just look foolish and childish and: being an offender is how Paul validates his pathetic existence. being an offender is how Paul allows himself to avoid the responsibilities of day to day life. being an offender allows Paul to place blame everywhere except where it is deserved, squarely in his own head and in his own mouth and in his own hands at his own keyboard. |
#115
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
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#116
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
On Tue, 22 Jul 2003 22:26:51 +0100, "Dennis Here"
youreply wrote: Cele wrote in message ... snip the flattery Meanwhile, on the one hand, I agree that 'freeing' her son to go might be the making of him. Many a youth has left a home out of control, and found out a lot about themselves and life by going to the street for awhile, and come back the wiser and stronger for it. On the other hand, I totally identify with Lorian's fear of seeing him follow that path. Your own reference to your friends who died tells us that the street is not a place that all escape unscathed, and a sixteen year old who has become badly confused and enraged might well have experiences that do him great damage. It's as likely as his having experiences that strengthen him. The solution seems to be to 'let him go' but to seek a healthy place to go to. Lorian appears to be doing that, within the limits of her resources. I suspect that before a whole lot longer he'll decide the matter himself, because gone seventeen, it's pretty hard to keep them if they don't want to stay. And I hope earnestly for both of their sakes that the choices he makes turn out in the end to help rather than hurt his growth. Well there is a good balanced post that weighs up the pro's and con's either way. The trouble is that it will not make one iota of difference to him. What I was trying to get across is how Lorians son is probably feeling rather than how Lorian herself sees it. With that in mind it becomes either a question of, despite what maybe out there, letting him go without burning too many bridges. Sometimes a young man just has to get out there and see for himself. Yeah, I see that, for sure. Even when they're NOT giving you a bucketload of grief, they're going to eventually have to sod off and find out on their own, aren't they? I'm currently the proud parent of an eighteen year old who finished her first year of college and then took off for home (the north, where we used to live) directly, and is now working, shacked up with a tolerably acceptable boyfriend, and registered for college in the fall. I'm not supporting her financially 'cause I'm too broke, so she's kind of making her way, with a bit of help from her Dad and a lot of help from scholarships she's earned. I wish she wasn't shacked up with her boyfriend and I wish she was here, but well, you know, they're going to find things out for themselves. Could be worse. She could be shacked up under the bridge and doing crack, she could be sleeping with multiple guys and taking masses of risks. Gotta let 'em go. Anyway. Talk about off track. You've got good points. Take care. Cele |
#117
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
On Wed, 23 Jul 2003 04:19:04 GMT, wrote:
My YWCA advocate is funny. She said, "never wrestle with pigs. You get dirty and the pigs like it." YES!!!!!! I LOVE that! Bingo! Basically, however you control your reaction to it. The root of the serenity prayer. I get it. Right. Exactly. Cele |
#118
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
On Tue, 22 Jul 2003 10:20:36 GMT, wrote:
Cele wrote: I don't think you can expect much from 'the system'. What? Oh, Nooooo! I'm screwed. LOL. Heh. Whatever's gone wrong before is over, it's written, it's done. You can't affect it. Walk away from it. Work on the now. It's all you can do. For him and for yourself. And be well. What is it with people who can not see that history repeats itself unless you actively seek to stop the cycles? Lotta ways to stop a cycle, though. Participating by fighting back is still participating. It enables abusers. Gives 'em something to abuse. Only way to stop an abuser is to remove the object of abuse, near as I can tell. But what do I know? :-) I've been in therapy so much that it is just so clear to me that my son saw me be abused as a child so that is what was role modeled for him and now he is acting that out as he becomes a man. Also, he is reacting to me as I only know how to live with a man from a victim's stand point, I have lots of male friends that I keep at a distance but living with one is a different story. Sounds about right. You can't just "let it go" or "forget about it" or "put it in the past" abuse isn't like that. Didn't say that. Said you can't *affect* the past. You can only *affect* the future. So that's what you do. History isn't like that. Time isn't like that. If only it were that simple. But it isn't, it is very convoluted. It doesn't matter what history's like. It's a textbook. You can read it and learn, or not, but you can't change it. So read, learn, change the future. What else is there? The rest of your post was right on, depressing though, as I was really hoping "the system" was going to save us. damn. Well, should I turn out to be wrong, do let me know. I wouldn't mind saving here, either. LOL Cele |
#119
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
wrote in message news:F_oTa.121984$N7.17176@sccrnsc03... Betsy wrote: I suppose I shall discover in time, if this is going to continue. One never knows when another may begin the change needed. I have done what I can, and will let time tell the rest. I have learned, the hard way, not to invest too much of myself 'saving' other people. I share my story(ies) and what worked for me. Where I am now, is miles from where I was 12 years ago. It took 12 years to get here, but I am here. I can only act as a guide to those willing to accept guidance. No more need be said. Or rather, I will say no more. change, Paul is in denial and clearly abusive calling me looney lorain on here all the time yet insisting that he is doing nothing wrong, don't talk to him LOL get a grip looney |
#120
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
"Betsy" wrote in message . com... In news:F_oTa.121984$N7.17176@sccrnsc03, typed: Betsy wrote: I suppose I shall discover in time, if this is going to continue. One never knows when another may begin the change needed. I have done what I can, and will let time tell the rest. I have learned, the hard way, not to invest too much of myself 'saving' other people. I share my story(ies) and what worked for me. Where I am now, is miles from where I was 12 years ago. It took 12 years to get here, but I am here. I can only act as a guide to those willing to accept guidance. No more need be said. Or rather, I will say no more. what are you talking to HIM for? I have already admitted to needing to change, Paul is in denial and clearly abusive calling me looney lorain on here all the time yet insisting that he is doing nothing wrong, don't talk to him about how hard you have it convincing me that I need to change. That ruins your credibility. Otherwise, I do take your words to heart and appreciate your efforts to help me and my son, and I love your .sig lines, they are funny. OK, first off, I am free to talk to whomever I choose. Whether you like it or not, whether my son likes it or not, whether my mother likes it or not. It's called free choice, and it's a God given gift. Secondly, I am simply letting these folks know, that while they disagree with me on whether or not you will change, I (being relatively new here) am going to try. They are trying to dissuade me, by telling me I am wasting my time. I am telling him (Paul) in essence, it's my time, I choose how to spend it. If you find it ruins my credibility, then I wasn't very credible in your eyes to begin with. Sometimes things happen that you don't like, that don't affect you directly, that aren't aimed at you, and you don't like them. Get over it, move on, don't let it bother you. If I got upset everytime on of my co-workers I respected spoke to one of my co-workers I didn't like, I would spend my entired work day upset. It's not worth it. Heh no ****. Again, I like your tolerance and patience, it's more then i seem to be able to muster for some Betsy -- Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. |
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