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Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?



 
 
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  #1  
Old April 11th 04, 10:47 PM
Amy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

I have a great set of parents and a great set of parents-in-law-to-be -
actually I seem to spend a bit more time with my MIL because she seems to
have more time for me, even though she still works full-time.
DH & I come from very different backgrounds, his family has always been more
affluent, and more functional. The affluency isn't the issue here, I'm
worried it might be seen as that, but the functionality is. DH & I are
getting married early next year when bub will be about 7 months old. My MIL
has already offered to look after her and has taken time off work in
advance, and because she got in first I don't see how my mum can have an
issue with that. MIL had bought a portacot for our son, so she is much
better equipped, has more space in her house, so it is just much more
practical. However, I'm worried about baby-sitting rosters in the future,
should DH & I need to go somewhere and the grandparents want time with the
baby. This baby is very special to both sides, being a second grandchild to
both sets of parents, the first being our son who was stillborn.

I know I'm probably going to be ridiculously over-protective of this baby
anyway, but I have a lot of hesitancy about my family looking after the baby
in their home, especially for any length of time. I mean, I was raised there
& I survived, but sometimes I still wonder how...
DH's parents both work but still seem to have a lot more time...they just
live at a more casual pace. They have the house to themselves & plenty of
space as DH's older brother left home a long time ago.
My parents on the other hand are older & retired, and have never really got
on. They are great to me, but home has always been like Ground Zero. I have
a younger brother (21) living with them and a younger sister (17). My
brother has a borderline personality disorder, he's a good kid, would never
hurt anyone, but he has problems - never showers unless he's made to before
he goes out, and sometimes I can't bear to be around him because of it. He
has temper outbursts sometimes, slams doors, screams, swears, you get the
picture. My father is fairly capable but incredibly eccentric.
If our kid didn't get asthma or allergies from the carpet in there, it would
find some small object to choke on. They also have a dog. I love dogs, my
MIL has a dog too, a Bichon Friese puppy. My parents' dog is a staffy cross
from the pound that they inherited who has been abused by previous owners.
Great with people on the whole, but this dog & I have issues because she
tried to eat my kitten once, and has killed a pet chicken. She isn't good
with small animals and there is no way I would trust her near my baby.
I would have no problem with my mother, who has raised three children of her
own and babysat many others looking after the baby, or my capable younger
sister looking after the baby, _in our home_. It's probably an overreaction,
but the atmosphere over there when it's at its more volatile makes my blood
pressure rise, and I grew up there. I don't think I could do that to my
child, even if it survived unscathed it would probably grow up with mental
health issues like the rest of us.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? My mother knows the stress the family
situation puts on my sister & I. I just wonder how insensitive it would be
to say to her, "We'd love you to look after our little girl, at our place"
when she'll know full well that my DH's parents are having her over whenever
they like.


  #2  
Old April 11th 04, 10:57 PM
Dagny
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?


"Amy" wrote in message
...
I have a great set of parents and a great set of parents-in-law-to-be -
actually I seem to spend a bit more time with my MIL because she seems to
have more time for me, even though she still works full-time.
DH & I come from very different backgrounds, his family has always been

more
affluent, and more functional. The affluency isn't the issue here, I'm
worried it might be seen as that, but the functionality is. DH & I are
getting married early next year when bub will be about 7 months old. My

MIL
has already offered to look after her and has taken time off work in
advance, and because she got in first I don't see how my mum can have an
issue with that. MIL had bought a portacot for our son, so she is much
better equipped, has more space in her house, so it is just much more
practical. However, I'm worried about baby-sitting rosters in the future,
should DH & I need to go somewhere and the grandparents want time with the
baby. This baby is very special to both sides, being a second grandchild

to
both sets of parents, the first being our son who was stillborn.

I know I'm probably going to be ridiculously over-protective of this baby
anyway, but I have a lot of hesitancy about my family looking after the

baby
in their home, especially for any length of time. I mean, I was raised

there
& I survived, but sometimes I still wonder how...
DH's parents both work but still seem to have a lot more time...they just
live at a more casual pace. They have the house to themselves & plenty of
space as DH's older brother left home a long time ago.
My parents on the other hand are older & retired, and have never really

got
on. They are great to me, but home has always been like Ground Zero. I

have
a younger brother (21) living with them and a younger sister (17). My
brother has a borderline personality disorder, he's a good kid, would

never
hurt anyone, but he has problems - never showers unless he's made to

before
he goes out, and sometimes I can't bear to be around him because of it. He
has temper outbursts sometimes, slams doors, screams, swears, you get the
picture. My father is fairly capable but incredibly eccentric.
If our kid didn't get asthma or allergies from the carpet in there, it

would
find some small object to choke on. They also have a dog. I love dogs, my
MIL has a dog too, a Bichon Friese puppy. My parents' dog is a staffy

cross
from the pound that they inherited who has been abused by previous owners.
Great with people on the whole, but this dog & I have issues because she
tried to eat my kitten once, and has killed a pet chicken. She isn't good
with small animals and there is no way I would trust her near my baby.
I would have no problem with my mother, who has raised three children of

her
own and babysat many others looking after the baby, or my capable younger
sister looking after the baby, _in our home_. It's probably an

overreaction,
but the atmosphere over there when it's at its more volatile makes my

blood
pressure rise, and I grew up there. I don't think I could do that to my
child, even if it survived unscathed it would probably grow up with mental
health issues like the rest of us.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? My mother knows the stress the family
situation puts on my sister & I. I just wonder how insensitive it would be
to say to her, "We'd love you to look after our little girl, at our place"
when she'll know full well that my DH's parents are having her over

whenever
they like.


Ouch. Wouldn't want my kid over there either. Short advice is, I think you
might have to go have a frank talk with MIL and break it to her that because
of your parents' household issues, NO ONE can have the kid over for the
meanwhile. MIL will understand she needs to babysit for you at your house.
Then if you can figure out how to get the kid to the in-laws on the sly,
that'll be OK.

-- Dagny


  #3  
Old April 11th 04, 11:25 PM
Sue
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

It's perfectly reasonable given that it's easier for the baby in that s/he
can just go to bed when it's time. The toys are already there and you won't
have to pack lots of things. If your mom is willing to travel to your house
(do you live far from her?) then it shouldn't be a problem. But, in the end,
it probably won't matter too much and your worrying for nothing. )
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

Amy wrote in message ...
I have a great set of parents and a great set of parents-in-law-to-be -
actually I seem to spend a bit more time with my MIL because she seems to
have more time for me, even though she still works full-time.
DH & I come from very different backgrounds, his family has always been

more
affluent, and more functional. The affluency isn't the issue here, I'm
worried it might be seen as that, but the functionality is. DH & I are
getting married early next year when bub will be about 7 months old. My

MIL
has already offered to look after her and has taken time off work in
advance, and because she got in first I don't see how my mum can have an
issue with that. MIL had bought a portacot for our son, so she is much
better equipped, has more space in her house, so it is just much more
practical. However, I'm worried about baby-sitting rosters in the future,
should DH & I need to go somewhere and the grandparents want time with the
baby. This baby is very special to both sides, being a second grandchild

to
both sets of parents, the first being our son who was stillborn.

I know I'm probably going to be ridiculously over-protective of this baby
anyway, but I have a lot of hesitancy about my family looking after the

baby
in their home, especially for any length of time. I mean, I was raised

there
& I survived, but sometimes I still wonder how...
DH's parents both work but still seem to have a lot more time...they just
live at a more casual pace. They have the house to themselves & plenty of
space as DH's older brother left home a long time ago.
My parents on the other hand are older & retired, and have never really

got
on. They are great to me, but home has always been like Ground Zero. I

have
a younger brother (21) living with them and a younger sister (17). My
brother has a borderline personality disorder, he's a good kid, would

never
hurt anyone, but he has problems - never showers unless he's made to

before
he goes out, and sometimes I can't bear to be around him because of it. He
has temper outbursts sometimes, slams doors, screams, swears, you get the
picture. My father is fairly capable but incredibly eccentric.
If our kid didn't get asthma or allergies from the carpet in there, it

would
find some small object to choke on. They also have a dog. I love dogs, my
MIL has a dog too, a Bichon Friese puppy. My parents' dog is a staffy

cross
from the pound that they inherited who has been abused by previous owners.
Great with people on the whole, but this dog & I have issues because she
tried to eat my kitten once, and has killed a pet chicken. She isn't good
with small animals and there is no way I would trust her near my baby.
I would have no problem with my mother, who has raised three children of

her
own and babysat many others looking after the baby, or my capable younger
sister looking after the baby, _in our home_. It's probably an

overreaction,
but the atmosphere over there when it's at its more volatile makes my

blood
pressure rise, and I grew up there. I don't think I could do that to my
child, even if it survived unscathed it would probably grow up with mental
health issues like the rest of us.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? My mother knows the stress the family
situation puts on my sister & I. I just wonder how insensitive it would be
to say to her, "We'd love you to look after our little girl, at our place"
when she'll know full well that my DH's parents are having her over

whenever
they like.




  #4  
Old April 12th 04, 02:20 AM
Emily
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

Hi Amy,

As if you don't have enough to worry about, one more
serious issue in a house with older people that is
disorganized is medications. My grandmother once
gave us a serious scare when DS was under a year (but
crawling and putting things in his mouth). A pill
dropped out of her pocket while she was visiting, and
landed on our couch. Fortunately, I found it while
cleaning up, but I was totally freaked that there may
have been another one that DS found before I did.
(Turns out it was a ritalin pill. Grandma has ADD.)

Things I learned from the experience:

1. Older people sometimes leave pill containers open
because the childproof tops can be hard on arthritic
hands. (My grandma goes a step further and sometimes
carries pills loose in her pocket.)

2. Blood pressure medicine (and probably others as well)
can have serious even fatal consequences in infants.

3. Cleaning up play spaces nightly can help prevent
disasters (not that I keep up with this always, but
it's still something I learned ^_^.

4. The folks at the poison control center are very
nice, very sensible and very calm.

5. All medications have identifying codes on them,
which the folks at the poison control center can look
up.

Best of luck to you. Oh, and btw, from what I hear,
the carpet at your parents' house is more likely to
prevent allergies in your baby than cause them.
--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
Scheherazade, stillborn at 20 weeks, 3/2/04
  #5  
Old April 12th 04, 10:49 AM
Anne Rogers
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

I don't really know what to say, but I can sympathise, for us it's the
opposite way round. My parents are quite affluent, have bought a cot and
highchair for there house, they come and visit us regularly and though
we've never left him at there house I would happily do so at some point in
the future. We've left him with them in our house quite a few times
without a problem. On the other hand the one time we did leave him with
dh's parents they had brought him to us within half an hour, we'd only
gone to the doctor's, thankfully not on a date! I still haven't thought of
good ways of dealing with it :-(.
  #6  
Old April 12th 04, 10:57 PM
Amy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

Thanks for the advice Emily. Dad is on a lot of meds for his heart, but from
what I've seen he does keep them high up, I don't think there are any meds
within reach of even an older child. But like you've described, accidents
can happen so easily...wow that's scary. The other thing that bothers me is
chemicals, they do keep most chemicals high up but I'd expect both sets of
parents to have a kiddie lock on the bathroom cabinet. Gardening sprays and
the like are a worry too, as Mum has a few of those, but I think she'd be
responsible about them. Yikes....do you think it causes developmental delays
to just leave them strapped into a stroller for the first few years of life?
LOL...

"Emily" wrote in message
news:b9mec.14524$wP1.34148@attbi_s54...
Hi Amy,

As if you don't have enough to worry about, one more
serious issue in a house with older people that is
disorganized is medications. My grandmother once
gave us a serious scare when DS was under a year (but
crawling and putting things in his mouth). A pill
dropped out of her pocket while she was visiting, and
landed on our couch. Fortunately, I found it while
cleaning up, but I was totally freaked that there may
have been another one that DS found before I did.
(Turns out it was a ritalin pill. Grandma has ADD.)

Things I learned from the experience:

1. Older people sometimes leave pill containers open
because the childproof tops can be hard on arthritic
hands. (My grandma goes a step further and sometimes
carries pills loose in her pocket.)

2. Blood pressure medicine (and probably others as well)
can have serious even fatal consequences in infants.

3. Cleaning up play spaces nightly can help prevent
disasters (not that I keep up with this always, but
it's still something I learned ^_^.

4. The folks at the poison control center are very
nice, very sensible and very calm.

5. All medications have identifying codes on them,
which the folks at the poison control center can look
up.

Best of luck to you. Oh, and btw, from what I hear,
the carpet at your parents' house is more likely to
prevent allergies in your baby than cause them.
--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
Scheherazade, stillborn at 20 weeks, 3/2/04



  #7  
Old April 12th 04, 11:03 PM
Amy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

Mum lives literally just down the road from us, that's where she might think
it's more convenient to just leave the baby with her. But that's the
trouble, it's not just with her, it's with the 'horde' & whomever else stops
by.
I may at some stage have to be honest if it comes to it and say Mum, it's
not you, it's the dog etc etc. Once baby's old enough to not put anything in
her mouth or round her neck at least, I won't be quite so worried.

"Sue" wrote in message
...
It's perfectly reasonable given that it's easier for the baby in that s/he
can just go to bed when it's time. The toys are already there and you

won't
have to pack lots of things. If your mom is willing to travel to your

house
(do you live far from her?) then it shouldn't be a problem. But, in the

end,
it probably won't matter too much and your worrying for nothing. )
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

Amy wrote in message

...
I have a great set of parents and a great set of parents-in-law-to-be -
actually I seem to spend a bit more time with my MIL because she seems

to
have more time for me, even though she still works full-time.
DH & I come from very different backgrounds, his family has always been

more
affluent, and more functional. The affluency isn't the issue here, I'm
worried it might be seen as that, but the functionality is. DH & I are
getting married early next year when bub will be about 7 months old. My

MIL
has already offered to look after her and has taken time off work in
advance, and because she got in first I don't see how my mum can have an
issue with that. MIL had bought a portacot for our son, so she is much
better equipped, has more space in her house, so it is just much more
practical. However, I'm worried about baby-sitting rosters in the

future,
should DH & I need to go somewhere and the grandparents want time with

the
baby. This baby is very special to both sides, being a second grandchild

to
both sets of parents, the first being our son who was stillborn.

I know I'm probably going to be ridiculously over-protective of this

baby
anyway, but I have a lot of hesitancy about my family looking after the

baby
in their home, especially for any length of time. I mean, I was raised

there
& I survived, but sometimes I still wonder how...
DH's parents both work but still seem to have a lot more time...they

just
live at a more casual pace. They have the house to themselves & plenty

of
space as DH's older brother left home a long time ago.
My parents on the other hand are older & retired, and have never really

got
on. They are great to me, but home has always been like Ground Zero. I

have
a younger brother (21) living with them and a younger sister (17). My
brother has a borderline personality disorder, he's a good kid, would

never
hurt anyone, but he has problems - never showers unless he's made to

before
he goes out, and sometimes I can't bear to be around him because of it.

He
has temper outbursts sometimes, slams doors, screams, swears, you get

the
picture. My father is fairly capable but incredibly eccentric.
If our kid didn't get asthma or allergies from the carpet in there, it

would
find some small object to choke on. They also have a dog. I love dogs,

my
MIL has a dog too, a Bichon Friese puppy. My parents' dog is a staffy

cross
from the pound that they inherited who has been abused by previous

owners.
Great with people on the whole, but this dog & I have issues because she
tried to eat my kitten once, and has killed a pet chicken. She isn't

good
with small animals and there is no way I would trust her near my baby.
I would have no problem with my mother, who has raised three children of

her
own and babysat many others looking after the baby, or my capable

younger
sister looking after the baby, _in our home_. It's probably an

overreaction,
but the atmosphere over there when it's at its more volatile makes my

blood
pressure rise, and I grew up there. I don't think I could do that to my
child, even if it survived unscathed it would probably grow up with

mental
health issues like the rest of us.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? My mother knows the stress the

family
situation puts on my sister & I. I just wonder how insensitive it would

be
to say to her, "We'd love you to look after our little girl, at our

place"
when she'll know full well that my DH's parents are having her over

whenever
they like.






  #8  
Old April 12th 04, 11:07 PM
Amy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

Our wedding isn't until baby's about 7 months old, and that's the first
planned babysit. I've said to MIL that I have an emotional problem (plus I'm
breastfeeding exclusiviely) with her staying with anyone until she's 3-4
months old. I won't be working, and I can't see any reason in those first
few weeks for her to be with anyone but us. And she knows that that isn't
because of her, and will apply to everyone.

Ouch. Wouldn't want my kid over there either. Short advice is, I think

you
might have to go have a frank talk with MIL and break it to her that

because
of your parents' household issues, NO ONE can have the kid over for the
meanwhile. MIL will understand she needs to babysit for you at your

house.
Then if you can figure out how to get the kid to the in-laws on the sly,
that'll be OK.

-- Dagny




  #9  
Old April 12th 04, 11:10 PM
Amy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

It's tough, that's for sure...
Families are so different, you can love them all despite & because of their
differences, but it makes it hard when it comes to situations like this.
People can be so sensitive when it comes to grandkids and you don't want to
cause some huge family rift for the next few decades.

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
am.ac.uk...
I don't really know what to say, but I can sympathise, for us it's the
opposite way round. My parents are quite affluent, have bought a cot and
highchair for there house, they come and visit us regularly and though
we've never left him at there house I would happily do so at some point in
the future. We've left him with them in our house quite a few times
without a problem. On the other hand the one time we did leave him with
dh's parents they had brought him to us within half an hour, we'd only
gone to the doctor's, thankfully not on a date! I still haven't thought of
good ways of dealing with it :-(.



  #10  
Old April 13th 04, 07:52 AM
Abi
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parents & Babysitting - how to be tactful?

"Amy" wrote in message ...
It's tough, that's for sure...
Families are so different, you can love them all despite & because of their
differences, but it makes it hard when it comes to situations like this.
People can be so sensitive when it comes to grandkids and you don't want to
cause some huge family rift for the next few decades.

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
am.ac.uk...
I don't really know what to say, but I can sympathise, for us it's the
opposite way round. My parents are quite affluent, have bought a cot and
highchair for there house, they come and visit us regularly and though
we've never left him at there house I would happily do so at some point in
the future. We've left him with them in our house quite a few times
without a problem. On the other hand the one time we did leave him with
dh's parents they had brought him to us within half an hour, we'd only
gone to the doctor's, thankfully not on a date! I still haven't thought of
good ways of dealing with it :-(.


Hi, - I have the same problem, - depsite my mum raising 2 kids, my dh
and I are not so sure we would trust her with a newborn baby. She
hasn't been around kids for 30 years and is not the most maternal of
people - even though she really wants to help out look after the baby.
I am very overprotective, but then I think what is the most important
thing here? The baby's health and safety is of primary concern and if
I have to offend a couple of people on the way then so be it. To my
mum, I have said in a tactful way that I will be breastfeeding for
some time which means there wont be much opportunity to babysit for
any great period of time. I have also said that dh and I want to `see
how things go' first before deciding how and when to leave the baby
with anyone else. I have also said that I would be incredibly grateful
for any help when the baby is older when I will start working more.
 




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