UPDATE: playgroup fiasco

"-L." wrote in message
oups.com...

Welches wrote:

Not saying that you're not necessarily right, but there are other things
people may judge on immediately.
An example (not that I'm accusing you of it) I can think of is someone
coming in smelling of cigarette smoke. If you have a problem with
breathing
in smoke, then you may try and avoid sitting near that person. If you
feel a
bit awkward then you may decide that if you try and talk to them, they
may
sit down next to you meaning that you have to explain. So you don't sit
near, so you don't find out that the time she came in smelling of smoke
was
because she had stood next to someone in the bus queue, etc.
Or she's a militant anti-Nesle (however you spell it-nescafe anyway) and
you
had a Kitkat in your bag... I have met someone who was verging on that
silly.

LOL..I see what you are saying. I am pretty "normal" looking for my
area - casual dress, and DS is always clean and well kept. I don't
smoke and don't stink, as far as I know...

grin just examples :-)

Unless you have sat down next to her and tried to engage her in
conversation, I don't think you can discount the possibility that she
just
doesn't warm to people quickly and keeps with the people she knows.

I have done so. You may have missed that in my OP. I have tried to
approach her as I have all the other moms - asking about her kids'
ages. She give short one or two sylable answers and then looks away.
It's really almost awkward. Most people strike up a conversation after
the inital contact.

Yes, I'm having trouble with my computer, so I haven't seen all the posts.
Outlook refuses to download any newsgroups until I tell it not to download
them. Whereupon it downloads them all, and I have a short time to read them
before they disappear again. It's behaving like a 2 year old!


And if she is judging you on the colour of skin then she's not worth
knowing
anyway, so I wouldn't let it worry you too much.
Debbie

True, and it doesn't really worry me. I just find it very *odd*
behavior, as no one else in the playgroup acts this way. We missed
today because we are sick, so I didn't get to ask my friend if she
noticed anything strange.

Glad it doesn't worry you. As you get to know people better there then I
expect she will either have to accept you, or she will find herslef
excluded.
Good luck with her!
Debbie

"-L." wrote in message
ps.com...



Someone else mentioned there was a nanny who "hated" her and her child
in their play group. I was also (in my OP) just wondering how common
this kind of thing was/is...?

In the toddler groups I've been to (other than one where I went once and
never returned) there's never been anything like that that I've noticed.
Yes, everyone tends to gravitate towards the same people. Newcomers are
usually made welcome.
There are people who I disagree with their parenting style. There's people I
admire for their parenting style. Yes, I'll tend to gravitate towards those
I admire rather than disagree, but I hope I don't treat them differently.
When you get coffee/tea you talk with the people next to in the line whether
you know them well or not. I tend to get down on the mat and play with the
children, others don't want to know the children exist until it's time to
go. ;-P
At one stage there were two that didn't get on, but they wouldn't sit near
and at worst spoke wiht exaggerated politeness. I wouldn't have known if
someone hadn't mentioned it. Interestingly, once their children got towards
school age they ended up good friends, so you've got hope yet!
Debbie

-L. wrote:


Banty wrote:

Occurs to me that we've not come up with the most obvious advice - she
can break the ice and talk with this woman, and see if she warms up!

Banty

I have done so. You may have missed that in my OP. I have tried to
approach her as I have all the other moms - asking about her kids ages,
and actually, another time I complimented her on her baby's clothing
and asked the baby's name. She gives short one or two sylable answers
and then looks away. It's really almost awkward. Most people strike
up a conversation after the inital contact.

I can't remember how many times you tried talking to her, but maybe she
has post-natal depression or something like that. Or even a bad headache
might have caused her unfriendliness. Or maybe she feels like its her
only chance in teh day to think, because the rest of the time her children
are bugging her. I mean it is quite possible she didn't actually notice
your ds holding the toy out to her, because she was too busy thinking.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

-L. wrote:
toypup wrote:
I would give people the benefit of the doubt, but surely you can tell if
someone is aggressive or awkward or a social butterfly after a first
meeting, can you not?

Yes, I suppose so, at first meeting. You can at least tell if they are
receptive or not, and how comfortable they are in meeting you/with the
situation.

It doesn't mean they are not nice and friendly if you
were to get to know them better, but the basic personality trait is there.

Maybe that is why this woman seemed so weird - she gave me absolutley
*no* feedback to go on. I couldn't tell you anything about her except
she was deadpan, cold and completely unresponsive to DS's attempts at
making contact with her.

She might be from a "deadpan" type of family...you know, no facial
expressions, smiles, change of voice- the type you can't tel if they
just lost their best friend or won the lottery. Or, she might be
depressed with the affect of a depressed person.

Remember...anytime you put a group of people together (which even
happens in usenet) you're going to find those who you connect with and
those who you don't. Some will annoy you and some won't. Some you'll
agree with and some you won't. I guess if you look at the fact that
there's only one in the group who is like this; you're lucky. I think
that a playgroup is very similar to any other type of group...dynamics
form no matter what the group is and you'll have every "type" to
complete the group.

-L.

In article , Penny Gaines says...

-L. wrote:


Banty wrote:

Occurs to me that we've not come up with the most obvious advice - she
can break the ice and talk with this woman, and see if she warms up!

Banty

I have done so. You may have missed that in my OP. I have tried to
approach her as I have all the other moms - asking about her kids ages,
and actually, another time I complimented her on her baby's clothing
and asked the baby's name. She gives short one or two sylable answers
and then looks away. It's really almost awkward. Most people strike
up a conversation after the inital contact.

I can't remember how many times you tried talking to her, but maybe she
has post-natal depression or something like that. Or even a bad headache
might have caused her unfriendliness. Or maybe she feels like its her
only chance in teh day to think, because the rest of the time her children
are bugging her. I mean it is quite possible she didn't actually notice
your ds holding the toy out to her, because she was too busy thinking.


See, since I'm not a really extroverted person, I think sometimes folks think
I'm unfriendly (especially groups of women, I find men much easier on the whole)
since I'm not all bubbly and forthcoming and giggling at references to diet and
chocolate and whatever. Just on a different wavelength sometimes.

To think that, if the circumstances aren't quite right, I'd be presumed to be
racist or some other awful thing.

Banty

MsLiz wrote:
She might be from a "deadpan" type of family...you know, no facial
expressions, smiles, change of voice- the type you can't tel if they
just lost their best friend or won the lottery. Or, she might be
depressed with the affect of a depressed person.

LOL...


Remember...anytime you put a group of people together (which even
happens in usenet) you're going to find those who you connect with and
those who you don't. Some will annoy you and some won't. Some you'll
agree with and some you won't. I guess if you look at the fact that
there's only one in the group who is like this; you're lucky. I think
that a playgroup is very similar to any other type of group...dynamics
form no matter what the group is and you'll have every "type" to
complete the group.

It was just the first time I have ever encountered something of this
nature. I just found it.... bizarre, for lack of a better word.

-L.

On 31 Jan 2006 06:49:27 -0800, Banty wrote:

To think that, if the circumstances aren't quite right, I'd be presumed to be
racist or some other awful thing.

cough

Nan

"-L." wrote in message
oups.com...

Banty wrote:
I don't think you can really discount the possibility that she just
doesn't feel
much affinity for you, and that's all it is.

Banty

The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

-L.


Or that you had the wrong clothes on. Or that you drove the wrong kind of
car. Or that your hair was not done right. People can be really weird.

"-L." wrote in message
ups.com...

Anonymama wrote:
Glad it went okay. I had a similar problem at a play gym we used to go
to -- one of the nannies _hated_ me and my son.

Ok, so what is up with some women in these play groups? We have an
awesome play group (run by the county, free and open to the public) and
everyone is wonderful to us except for this one woman who has two kids,
one older than DS and one younger. She is *the* most unfriendly person
I have ever met. I have tried asking her questions about her kids
(names, how old they are) and she answers me with one or two sylable
answers and then ignores me. She ignores DS when he approaches her or
her kids, which is heartbreaking because he likes to "converse" with
the adults and "share" with them sometimes (hand them toys) and he
loves other kids. She would let him stand there and hold a toy out to
her for minutes if I let it continue. I have steered him away from her
incase she thought he was bothering her, but she really doesn't have
any reason to be so, I dunno...cold to him. When DS tries to play with
her son, she ignores him, and steers her son away from DS. What's up
with that? I am thinking it may be a racial thing, but I just don't
know. Everyone else in the group is awesome - this woman seems to have
2 or 3 Moms she talks to from what I can see, and I haven't really
noticed her ignoring other kids, just DS. It just baffles me. I have
seen her sort of sit to the side with her kids, though.

What would make someone be openly rude to a 2 year old?

-L.


Oh my gosh, I have noticed the same thing. By far most of the mommies I
have encountered are nice but a few have been completely atrocious. What IS
up with that? I don't get it...these are children. Sooner or later they will
notice their mom's behavior. Sad....I chalk it up to pettiness....some issue
from the past where the mom is afraid her kid will be upstaged, or she wants
to control the playgroup, or something. Weird. I am just nice to everyone. I
don't have that mentality and I sure don't want my daughter to see it...

People who treat others like that MUST be miserable inside. I am kind to
everyone, and I feel good about myself. I can't imagine what someone feels
like, who goes around treating people that way, especially other
mothers...motherhood is something that is not a competition, it's a
*bonding* thing, IMO....what would we do without other (nice) mothers to
commiserate with and trade stories and advice with?

In article NhODf.5387$J81.337@trndny01, Stephanie says...


"-L." wrote in message
roups.com...

Banty wrote:
I don't think you can really discount the possibility that she just
doesn't feel
much affinity for you, and that's all it is.

Banty

The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

-L.


Or that you had the wrong clothes on. Or that you drove the wrong kind of
car. Or that your hair was not done right. People can be really weird.



Well, likely after she 'rebuffed' -L's child the first time, for whatever reason
(like, seeing an adult friend and wanting to talk to her about something, rather
than being tied up with -L's child instead, while her friend gets involved in
another conversation), she's gotten some strange 'vibes' from -L.

As much as one thinks another can't perceive that one suspects them of
something, unconcious signals are sent off and they do.

This can be a molehill that's turning into a mountain.

Banty