Personal space

Hi everyone,

I need some consequences and/or how to teach my 6-year-old, Kara, to stay
out of her older sister's (Allison) room. Kara takes her belongings without
asking and it either ends up getting torn up or at the very least, it really
upsets Allison. We are trying to teach her to ask first before she just
takes something, but nothing we are doing is working and it has become a
huge negative process. It is causing Allison to be mean to Kara and it is
causing us great stress. Kara is having a hard time understanding personal
space and I am at a loss on how to teach it. It seems the my other two girls
learned personal space without too much involvement from me. Kara is a very
touchy/feeling kid, but she takes it too far. She doesn't know when to
quit. Most people end up getting upset with her and then I feel horrible.
Very close friends are able to tell her to get down and sometimes she
listens, but most of the time it involves me having to get her away from
whoever she is bugging. Any suggestions for me? Thanks so much.
--
Sue
mom to three girls

Sue wrote:
Hi everyone,

I need some consequences and/or how to teach my 6-year-old, Kara, to
stay out of her older sister's (Allison) room. Kara takes her
belongings without asking and it either ends up getting torn up or at
the very least, it really upsets Allison. We are trying to teach her
to ask first before she just takes something, but nothing we are
doing is working and it has become a huge negative process.

I'm not a huge fan of reward systems but it might wotk this time. There
really is no huge negative here. She gets the object, she gets her sibling
upset (which IIRC from when I was a kid is not a bad thing at all ;-) and
she causes a ruckus, which isn't so bad either! If she can stay out of her
sisters room for xxx amount of time she earns a special reward (activity or
item depending on kid). If Kara does better at staying out is Allison old
enough to bite the bullet and invite Kara in for a special play session in
her room every once in a while. Really dote on her little sister. They
could trade and then you could help Kara set up a special play session in
her room that she would invite Allison to. That might help her get a grasp
on ownership. I hope you get some more experienced answers!

Kara is having a hard time understanding personal space and I am at a
loss on how to teach it.

If it is a real problem you might work on seperating family and others.
With family she can get very close etc. but with all others she has to keep
one arm length away. That is a little drastic but it is also very black and
white and has a visual aid - her arm.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

On Wed, 30 Jul 2003 08:29:51 -0700, "Sue"
wrote:

Hi everyone,

I need some consequences and/or how to teach my 6-year-old, Kara, to stay
out of her older sister's (Allison) room. Kara takes her belongings without
asking and it either ends up getting torn up or at the very least, it really
upsets Allison. We are trying to teach her to ask first before she just
takes something, but nothing we are doing is working and it has become a
huge negative process. It is causing Allison to be mean to Kara and it is
causing us great stress. Kara is having a hard time understanding personal
space and I am at a loss on how to teach it. It seems the my other two girls
learned personal space without too much involvement from me. Kara is a very
touchy/feeling kid, but she takes it too far. She doesn't know when to
quit. Most people end up getting upset with her and then I feel horrible.
Very close friends are able to tell her to get down and sometimes she
listens, but most of the time it involves me having to get her away from
whoever she is bugging. Any suggestions for me? Thanks so much.

Consequences may not work very well with a child like this.

Have you investigated Sensory Integration Dysfunction? It is
possilble that a child who *needs* deep touch has this disorder
Many of these kids need treatment and help from an Occupational
Therapist (weird name for what they do, but that is what they are
called).

Every child has a different regulatory and sensory profile, and that
these activities are not appropriate or useful for every child. You
should get guidance from an occupational therapist or other individual
who is experienced with sensory integration.

For information you might want to read:
Kranowitz, Carol Stock. The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping
with Sensory Integration Dysfunction. 1998. New York: The Berkley
Publishing Group.

http://www.geocities.com/~kasmom/sid.html



--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits

Nikki wrote in message news:3f26a03d_1@newsfeed...
Sue wrote:
Hi everyone,

I need some consequences and/or how to teach my 6-year-old, Kara, to
stay out of her older sister's (Allison) room. Kara takes her
belongings without asking and it either ends up getting torn up or at
the very least, it really upsets Allison. We are trying to teach her
to ask first before she just takes something, but nothing we are
doing is working and it has become a huge negative process.

I'm not a huge fan of reward systems but it might wotk this time. There
really is no huge negative here. She gets the object, she gets her
sibling
upset (which IIRC from when I was a kid is not a bad thing at all ;-) and
she causes a ruckus, which isn't so bad either! If she can stay out of
her
sisters room for xxx amount of time she earns a special reward (activity
or
item depending on kid). If Kara does better at staying out is Allison old
enough to bite the bullet and invite Kara in for a special play session in
her room every once in a while. Really dote on her little sister. They
could trade and then you could help Kara set up a special play session in
her room that she would invite Allison to. That might help her get a
grasp
on ownership. I hope you get some more experienced answers!

I'd have thought that could cause problems with Allison. From Allison's
perspective Kara shouldn't be taking her things, so why should she be
rewarded for not doing so?
I'd be clear that Allison has to respect Kara's room too. I think knocking
before entering each others rooms and waiting for permission from either the
owner or parents if they're out, will go some way to showing some respect.
I think if she breaks something she has borrowed with or without permission
she should at least apologise. My brother used to borrow things and then
they'd slide under his bed and if they were seen again (for many years!)
they were often damaged and it made me very reluctant to let him have things
of mine.
I'd agree that perhaps Allison's reaction may be making it "worth" doing.
Perhaps talking with Allison and letting her see that you are on her side on
this and she needs to come to you without reacting to Kara, might help.
Depending on Allison's age maybe you could consider a lock on the door. I
don't usually like locks. Maybe a chain/bolt too high for Kara on the
outside so she can't get in easily when Allison's out.
Debbie

Sue wrote:

Hi everyone,

I need some consequences and/or how to teach my 6-year-old, Kara, to stay
out of her older sister's (Allison) room. Kara takes her belongings without
asking and it either ends up getting torn up or at the very least, it really
upsets Allison. We are trying to teach her to ask first before she just
takes something, but nothing we are doing is working and it has become a
huge negative process. It is causing Allison to be mean to Kara and it is
causing us great stress. Kara is having a hard time understanding personal
space and I am at a loss on how to teach it. It seems the my other two girls
learned personal space without too much involvement from me. Kara is a very
touchy/feeling kid, but she takes it too far. She doesn't know when to
quit. Most people end up getting upset with her and then I feel horrible.
Very close friends are able to tell her to get down and sometimes she
listens, but most of the time it involves me having to get her away from
whoever she is bugging. Any suggestions for me? Thanks so much.
--
Sue
mom to three girls
-----------------
Ever heard of a lock and key?
Ever took one of HER favorite toys and smashed it in front of her?
Offer to do so. She'll get the msg.
Steve

Welches wrote:

I'd agree that perhaps Allison's reaction may be making it "worth" doing.
-------------
Let Allison beat the **** out of her a couple times.
Steve

I agree. It's Allisons room, Allisons stuff, let her police it. If she needs
a lock and her own key, so be it.
If one of my older sons complains because one of the younger ones got into
his stuff, I say "Oh well, I guess you didn't care enough about it to put it
where he couldn't get it!" I refuse to monitor their belongings.

"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message
...
Welches wrote:

I'd agree that perhaps Allison's reaction may be making it "worth"
doing.
-------------
Let Allison beat the **** out of her a couple times.
Steve

"dejablues" wrote in message
...
I agree. It's Allisons room, Allisons stuff, let her police it. If she
needs
a lock and her own key, so be it.
If one of my older sons complains because one of the younger ones got into
his stuff, I say "Oh well, I guess you didn't care enough about it to put
it
where he couldn't get it!" I refuse to monitor their belongings.

What if there's no place the older one could put it where the younger ones
can't get at it?

toypup wrote:

"dejablues" wrote in message
...
I agree. It's Allisons room, Allisons stuff, let her police it. If she
needs
a lock and her own key, so be it.
If one of my older sons complains because one of the younger ones got into
his stuff, I say "Oh well, I guess you didn't care enough about it to put
it
where he couldn't get it!" I refuse to monitor their belongings.

What if there's no place the older one could put it where the younger ones
can't get at it?
-----------------------
Let them beat the crap out of the younger one.
They'll stop.
No lock required.

Property violation is crime.
To me it is the exception to all prohibitions on abuse.
Steve

Steve, I keep reading your post and I coulnd't agree less with you. First,
blaming the older child for not putting things away can only teach Kara that
it will be OK to take the neighbor's ball because he left it on his lawn for
anybody to take it.

As for beating the child or destroying toys, these messages are violent and
are not going to teach the child to conflict resolution. It seems to me
that these methods are a little bit archeic.


"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message
...
Sue wrote:

Hi everyone,

I need some consequences and/or how to teach my 6-year-old, Kara, to
stay
out of her older sister's (Allison) room. Kara takes her belongings
without
asking and it either ends up getting torn up or at the very least, it
really
upsets Allison. We are trying to teach her to ask first before she just
takes something, but nothing we are doing is working and it has become a
huge negative process. It is causing Allison to be mean to Kara and it
is
causing us great stress. Kara is having a hard time understanding
personal
space and I am at a loss on how to teach it. It seems the my other two
girls
learned personal space without too much involvement from me. Kara is a
very
touchy/feeling kid, but she takes it too far. She doesn't know when to
quit. Most people end up getting upset with her and then I feel
horrible.
Very close friends are able to tell her to get down and sometimes she
listens, but most of the time it involves me having to get her away from
whoever she is bugging. Any suggestions for me? Thanks so much.
--
Sue
mom to three girls
-----------------
Ever heard of a lock and key?
Ever took one of HER favorite toys and smashed it in front of her?
Offer to do so. She'll get the msg.
Steve