A bit of a vent :-)

I can't tell if they were in a triple stroller or in car seats in a cart or
what ... but divide and conquer is the only way to solve this if you can't
stand it.

I think it is likely, as Brigitte said, that men would get fewer comments,
at least it's worth a try.

As others stated, avoid eye contact. I also perfected a
firm-smile-and-look-away tactic that worked well when I was in a hurry.

Personally, the "personal" questions didn't bother me. I didn't get too
many "poor you" comments, so that was OK. But on the IVF stuff -- I used to
say "Yup, IVF and born by C-section. Nothing the tiniest bit "natural"
about these kids". With a big grin that clearly indicated "They're human
beings you moron, how could they be any more "natural" or "unnatural" than
any other kids?"

On the "are they twins?" question ... dh came up with "yes, three pairs of
twins, these two, these two and these two".

On that and on "are they identical" I was always very polite -- just used to
say "no, even the boys are fraternal and one looks like me and one looks
like his father, not at all identical". I never felt the need to point out
the anatomical details of B v G to separate Hanna out.

It is a simple fact that *tiny* babies get the most attention, which is
*precisely* of course the time when you are least prepared, most tired and
least likely to enjoy or tolerate it. For triplets, as opposed to twins, I
think the attention will continue fairly unabated until you get rid of the
triplet stroller (for us that was almost exactly age three). At that point
they will look more like siblings -- unless you dress them all perfectly
coordinated, of course. Til then you will have to work around it (two
strollers; two strollers plus front/back - pack; shop alone; two carts;
ignore everyone; carry a sign saying "shut up") or just bear it.

One excellent piece of advice which I never had the
nerve/time/organization/materials to apply: attach a sign or two or ten to
the stroller saying "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH". These first TWO winters
especially, you either need to stay home (my solution) or do *something* to
keep the germs away. This year the germs could kill them; next year the
sicknesses could kill you from over-work.

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)




"The Huwe Family" wrote in message
.com...
Ok, I knew I was in for it when I had Triplets, but I never realized the
extent of how other people think that common courtesy doesn't apply when
it
comes to interacting with people with multiple children. Here's what I
mean
. . .

Last Sunday, my mom, my DH, myself, and my children went to Babies R Us to
try to spend some of the gift certificates we received at our recent baby
shower. We practically could not move through the store because every
time
we did, we had people stopping us with comments about our babies. That
was
annoying after a while, but it was still ok. I know that triplets cause a
stir. But the questions they asked were totally uncalled for, and
frankly,
none of their business. I had comments from "Did you use fertility?" to
"Are you breastfeeding?" I felt like asking them "If I had just one baby
here, would you be asking me these questions?"

My mom asked me if I expected all the attention caused by having triplets.
I told her that I had expected people to whisper about it to the people
they
are with, but I had no idea that we would be stopped every 5 minutes by
some
complete stranger wanting to look at them and ask questions. I took it in
stride, but my DH was getting quite angry because it took 3x as long to go
shopping as it normally would have if we had been left alone. (of course
he
is operating on a lack of sleep also, causing him to not be as
understanding
as he normally would have been. Ha Ha)

Gayle

Don't
recall any rude questions either, although there might have been a
couple that I just shrugged off. BRBR

Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents
of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case
with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you
use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our
backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were
asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get
around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to
reach that goal without help.

As I said, I am not sure if fertility methods played a part in your status as a
parent of multiples and if it did maybe things just affect you differently.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to
me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included
touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where
they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to
sleep.

Again those mentioned scenarios may not have been bothersome to you at all, but
to some of us they were! We are all different aren't we?


Michelle
Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael

Don't
recall any rude questions either, although there might have been a
couple that I just shrugged off. BRBR

Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents
of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case
with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you
use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our
backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were
asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get
around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to
reach that goal without help.

As I said, I am not sure if fertility methods played a part in your status as a
parent of multiples and if it did maybe things just affect you differently.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to
me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included
touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where
they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to
sleep.

Again those mentioned scenarios may not have been bothersome to you at all, but
to some of us they were! We are all different aren't we?


Michelle
Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael

Michelle writes:
Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have
become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not
sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins
run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike
a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because
before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually
"Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to
starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are
unable to reach that goal without help.

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a
perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking,
then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But
that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a
random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to
think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this).

I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility
issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make
you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your
twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being
annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all
sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and
that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their
friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or
trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them
up after I had just gotten them to sleep.

I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder
what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other
people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events
differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm
not sure.

David desJardins

Michelle writes:
Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have
become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not
sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins
run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike
a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because
before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually
"Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to
starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are
unable to reach that goal without help.

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a
perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking,
then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But
that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a
random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to
think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this).

I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility
issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make
you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your
twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being
annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all
sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and
that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their
friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or
trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them
up after I had just gotten them to sleep.

I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder
what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other
people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events
differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm
not sure.

David desJardins

David --

I got the fertility drug question many times, more often than not from
complete strangers. Sometimes it was asked bluntly and directly, but my
least favorite version was a woman who approached me on a ferry, and
asked, in a sickeningly sweet voice "Did you have to wait a *very* long
time for these *very* special babies?" I think I just mumbled something
about them being an unexpected surprise, but later I wished I'd thought
to say "No, actually they were born a month early."

Julie
Mom to Erica & Chris, 07/97, and great-great-great-grandaughter of a mom
to two sets of twins

David desJardins wrote:

Michelle writes:
Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have
become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not
sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins
run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike
a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because
before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually
"Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to
starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are
unable to reach that goal without help.

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a
perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking,
then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But
that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a
random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to
think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this).

I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility
issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make
you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your
twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being
annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all
sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and
that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their
friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or
trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them
up after I had just gotten them to sleep.

I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder
what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other
people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events
differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm
not sure.

David desJardins

David --

I got the fertility drug question many times, more often than not from
complete strangers. Sometimes it was asked bluntly and directly, but my
least favorite version was a woman who approached me on a ferry, and
asked, in a sickeningly sweet voice "Did you have to wait a *very* long
time for these *very* special babies?" I think I just mumbled something
about them being an unexpected surprise, but later I wished I'd thought
to say "No, actually they were born a month early."

Julie
Mom to Erica & Chris, 07/97, and great-great-great-grandaughter of a mom
to two sets of twins

David desJardins wrote:

Michelle writes:
Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have
become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not
sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins
run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike
a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because
before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually
"Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to
starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are
unable to reach that goal without help.

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a
perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking,
then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But
that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a
random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to
think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this).

I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility
issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make
you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your
twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being
annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all
sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and
that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their
friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or
trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them
up after I had just gotten them to sleep.

I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder
what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other
people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events
differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm
not sure.

David desJardins

David desJardins wrote:

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

I've had all three questions but the last question was never from
strangers. The last question was from acquaintances.

That type of question always seemed to come at the worst possible time:
just after a failed cycle. It doesn't just sting, it hurts like a son
of a bitch. The emotional pain of IF is heart-wrenching and when an
almost-stranger starts asking questions, you feel like ****.

Just thought I would shed a bit more light on why some of the questions
irritate so much after you successfully have a child after IF.

--
Brigitte aa #2145
edd #3 February 15, 2004
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/joshuaandkaterina/

"Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare."
~ Harriet Martineau

David desJardins wrote:

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

I've had all three questions but the last question was never from
strangers. The last question was from acquaintances.

That type of question always seemed to come at the worst possible time:
just after a failed cycle. It doesn't just sting, it hurts like a son
of a bitch. The emotional pain of IF is heart-wrenching and when an
almost-stranger starts asking questions, you feel like ****.

Just thought I would shed a bit more light on why some of the questions
irritate so much after you successfully have a child after IF.

--
Brigitte aa #2145
edd #3 February 15, 2004
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/joshuaandkaterina/

"Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare."
~ Harriet Martineau

I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." BRBR

Well.....since you asked.....It stings because by responding the way you
suggest 9 times out of 10 leads to unsolicited advice such as, "Maybe you are
trying to hard! or, You probably just need to take a vacation and relax!"

Comments like those are just two examples of the sort of things I heard on a
pretty regular basis during the 3 + years I was in the trying to conceive phase
of my life. And yes, sometimes from strangers.

By that I do not mean perfect strangers would come up to me on the street and
ask why I was childless. But, I have had ssituations where casual conversation
on cruise ships or, DR's waiting rooms and even waiting for the Walt Disney
World bus started out as harmless friendly chitchat and led to unsolicited
advice on how I could achieve my dream of motherhood. One moment someone is
asking you if you are married and how long, the next they are asking if you
have regular menstrual cycles.

I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder
what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other
people, but not to me? BRBR

Perhaps it is because you are a man. I will admit that most of the intrusions
I have mentioned have come from other women. As far as I know, my DH has never
had a total stranger ask him about his fertility status. It has been my
experience as a female that women (in general) tend to be nosier then men and
also seem to find some enjoyment in making one another feel inadequate. That
is often the case right hear on these newsgroups.

Hope that sheds some light on the matter. However, it is only MY opinion. I
can't speak for everyone.
Michelle
Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael