A bit of a vent :-)

I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." BRBR

Well.....since you asked.....It stings because by responding the way you
suggest 9 times out of 10 leads to unsolicited advice such as, "Maybe you are
trying to hard! or, You probably just need to take a vacation and relax!"

Comments like those are just two examples of the sort of things I heard on a
pretty regular basis during the 3 + years I was in the trying to conceive phase
of my life. And yes, sometimes from strangers.

By that I do not mean perfect strangers would come up to me on the street and
ask why I was childless. But, I have had ssituations where casual conversation
on cruise ships or, DR's waiting rooms and even waiting for the Walt Disney
World bus started out as harmless friendly chitchat and led to unsolicited
advice on how I could achieve my dream of motherhood. One moment someone is
asking you if you are married and how long, the next they are asking if you
have regular menstrual cycles.

I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder
what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other
people, but not to me? BRBR

Perhaps it is because you are a man. I will admit that most of the intrusions
I have mentioned have come from other women. As far as I know, my DH has never
had a total stranger ask him about his fertility status. It has been my
experience as a female that women (in general) tend to be nosier then men and
also seem to find some enjoyment in making one another feel inadequate. That
is often the case right hear on these newsgroups.

Hope that sheds some light on the matter. However, it is only MY opinion. I
can't speak for everyone.
Michelle
Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael

On Fri, 24 Oct 2003 18:49:41 -0700, DeliciousTruffles
wrote:

David desJardins wrote:

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

I've had all three questions but the last question was never from
strangers. The last question was from acquaintances.

Oh yeah, count me in on those three as well.

The most ignorant comment came to my wife whilst shopping. An older
woman stopped my wife after the birth of our twins and asked her if it
was true. Not knowing what she meant, my wife asked her was what true.
"Well, did you use drugs?" Because she had, and she knew the woman in
a casual way, she replied that yes she had. "Well, I don't feel sorry
for you at all" was the reply. We're still not sure why anybody should
feel sorry for us.

That type of question always seemed to come at the worst possible time:
just after a failed cycle. It doesn't just sting, it hurts like a son
of a bitch. The emotional pain of IF is heart-wrenching and when an
almost-stranger starts asking questions, you feel like ****.

My wife always felt the results of a failed cycle more than I did.
It was "her" failure, and "she" was doing something wrong.
All I could do was say we'll try again next month. I felt pretty
useless for a while.
I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.



tim

On Fri, 24 Oct 2003 18:49:41 -0700, DeliciousTruffles
wrote:

David desJardins wrote:

I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken
this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask,
"Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for
a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger
asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

I've had all three questions but the last question was never from
strangers. The last question was from acquaintances.

Oh yeah, count me in on those three as well.

The most ignorant comment came to my wife whilst shopping. An older
woman stopped my wife after the birth of our twins and asked her if it
was true. Not knowing what she meant, my wife asked her was what true.
"Well, did you use drugs?" Because she had, and she knew the woman in
a casual way, she replied that yes she had. "Well, I don't feel sorry
for you at all" was the reply. We're still not sure why anybody should
feel sorry for us.

That type of question always seemed to come at the worst possible time:
just after a failed cycle. It doesn't just sting, it hurts like a son
of a bitch. The emotional pain of IF is heart-wrenching and when an
almost-stranger starts asking questions, you feel like ****.

My wife always felt the results of a failed cycle more than I did.
It was "her" failure, and "she" was doing something wrong.
All I could do was say we'll try again next month. I felt pretty
useless for a while.
I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.



tim

On 25 Oct 2003 02:05:11 GMT, (Twinzmommie) wrote:

I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." BRBR

Well.....since you asked.....It stings because by responding the way you
suggest 9 times out of 10 leads to unsolicited advice such as, "Maybe you are
trying to hard! or, You probably just need to take a vacation and relax!"

LOL! "Have you tried standing on your head after sex? Worked for me!"
"I get pregnant just folding DH's underwear!" (Well, if you're going
to offer to let me fold your DH's underwear, don't bother ;-)

We tended to get a lot of questions about our child-bearing status
when people found out how long we were married: "What, married for 6
years and no kids yet?"

And I do think it's partly the difference between men and women. Those
types of questions and comments hurt me terribly but didn't bother my
DH (and he didn't get them as often, since men don't seem to spend as
much time discussing things like that).

Now, I look at the intrusive "did you use fertility drugs" question as
an opportunity to educate people that the stereotypical
infertile-because-she-put-her-career-before-children-and-waited-too-long
image isn't always (or even often) the case; I'm young enough that
people are surprised to hear that it took us 6.5 years to finally have
our miracles. It's also amazed me how many women have talked to me
about their own fertility troubles after hearing that my girls are IVF
babies. (My DH swears I'm a magnet for the
desperate-to-talk-to-someone infertile women of the world :-).

Now, personally I love the attention, but that's probably because my
girls have been sequestered for three months (first for being preemies
and now for cold and flu season), and I only get to leave the house
with them once or twice a month, to go to various doctors. I'll take
any excuse to talk to any adult about any subject! I'm sure that will
change next spring when I can take them everywhere and I'm trying to
get things done in that limited "happy baby" window.

--
Paula
Mom to Olivia and Cassie (b. 4/8/03)
^Grace^ (b. 5/16/02 d. 5/17/02) and ^Adam^ (b/d. 5/17/02)

On 25 Oct 2003 02:05:11 GMT, (Twinzmommie) wrote:

I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We
would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." BRBR

Well.....since you asked.....It stings because by responding the way you
suggest 9 times out of 10 leads to unsolicited advice such as, "Maybe you are
trying to hard! or, You probably just need to take a vacation and relax!"

LOL! "Have you tried standing on your head after sex? Worked for me!"
"I get pregnant just folding DH's underwear!" (Well, if you're going
to offer to let me fold your DH's underwear, don't bother ;-)

We tended to get a lot of questions about our child-bearing status
when people found out how long we were married: "What, married for 6
years and no kids yet?"

And I do think it's partly the difference between men and women. Those
types of questions and comments hurt me terribly but didn't bother my
DH (and he didn't get them as often, since men don't seem to spend as
much time discussing things like that).

Now, I look at the intrusive "did you use fertility drugs" question as
an opportunity to educate people that the stereotypical
infertile-because-she-put-her-career-before-children-and-waited-too-long
image isn't always (or even often) the case; I'm young enough that
people are surprised to hear that it took us 6.5 years to finally have
our miracles. It's also amazed me how many women have talked to me
about their own fertility troubles after hearing that my girls are IVF
babies. (My DH swears I'm a magnet for the
desperate-to-talk-to-someone infertile women of the world :-).

Now, personally I love the attention, but that's probably because my
girls have been sequestered for three months (first for being preemies
and now for cold and flu season), and I only get to leave the house
with them once or twice a month, to go to various doctors. I'll take
any excuse to talk to any adult about any subject! I'm sure that will
change next spring when I can take them everywhere and I'm trying to
get things done in that limited "happy baby" window.

--
Paula
Mom to Olivia and Cassie (b. 4/8/03)
^Grace^ (b. 5/16/02 d. 5/17/02) and ^Adam^ (b/d. 5/17/02)

Yes, I become pregnant by use of fertility pills and injections. We tried
to conceive for 3 1/2 yrs. I think the question bothers me the most because
I DO feel inadequate. I am "broken" per se. But I personally feel that it
is no ones business, especially not a complete stranger. A friend I don't
have a problem telling, but then, most of my friends already know. I've
tried to ward off the question with a simple "It was a surprise to everyone"
and I have even answered the question with "Twins run in the family" even
though the strain ends with my great grandmothers sisters. Answering the
question without really answering. I have never gotten up the nerve to
respond in the way that Dear Abby says "Why do you want to know?"

Triplets are a bit common around here too. Naperville, IL has the highest
occurrences of triplets of anywhere in the country, so it is still
surprising to cause such a stir.

On a funny note though. The other day my family (DH, Me, 1 month old
triplets, and my mom) and a friend of mines family (Her, husband and 9 month
old twin daughters) went to a restaurant to eat. I got up to get the food,
and a lady came over to my friend and asked if all the babies were hers.
She just laughed. We can't wait to go to a "fine" dining restaurant to see
everyone sweat. 4 adults, 5 babies ;-).

Gayle

"Twinzmommie" wrote in message
...
Don't
recall any rude questions either, although there might have been a
couple that I just shrugged off. BRBR

Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become
parents
of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the
case
with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did
you
use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that
our
backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we
were
asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get
around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting
quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable
to
reach that goal without help.

As I said, I am not sure if fertility methods played a part in your status
as a
parent of multiples and if it did maybe things just affect you
differently.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that
to
me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness
included
touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close
where
they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them
to
sleep.

Again those mentioned scenarios may not have been bothersome to you at
all, but
to some of us they were! We are all different aren't we?


Michelle
Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael

Yes, I become pregnant by use of fertility pills and injections. We tried
to conceive for 3 1/2 yrs. I think the question bothers me the most because
I DO feel inadequate. I am "broken" per se. But I personally feel that it
is no ones business, especially not a complete stranger. A friend I don't
have a problem telling, but then, most of my friends already know. I've
tried to ward off the question with a simple "It was a surprise to everyone"
and I have even answered the question with "Twins run in the family" even
though the strain ends with my great grandmothers sisters. Answering the
question without really answering. I have never gotten up the nerve to
respond in the way that Dear Abby says "Why do you want to know?"

Triplets are a bit common around here too. Naperville, IL has the highest
occurrences of triplets of anywhere in the country, so it is still
surprising to cause such a stir.

On a funny note though. The other day my family (DH, Me, 1 month old
triplets, and my mom) and a friend of mines family (Her, husband and 9 month
old twin daughters) went to a restaurant to eat. I got up to get the food,
and a lady came over to my friend and asked if all the babies were hers.
She just laughed. We can't wait to go to a "fine" dining restaurant to see
everyone sweat. 4 adults, 5 babies ;-).

Gayle

"Twinzmommie" wrote in message
...
Don't
recall any rude questions either, although there might have been a
couple that I just shrugged off. BRBR

Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become
parents
of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the
case
with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did
you
use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that
our
backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we
were
asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get
around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting
quite
a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable
to
reach that goal without help.

As I said, I am not sure if fertility methods played a part in your status
as a
parent of multiples and if it did maybe things just affect you
differently.

I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that
to
me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness
included
touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close
where
they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them
to
sleep.

Again those mentioned scenarios may not have been bothersome to you at
all, but
to some of us they were! We are all different aren't we?


Michelle
Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael

We started to put them in separate strollers and it has cut down the gawkers
by 75%.

some people don't even believe they are twins.
Keep the sense of humor though, you WILL need it!

Jack
"The Huwe Family" wrote in message
.com...
I haven't heard those ones yet. BTW Did you tell the teenager that
you've
never seen two ****s alike anyway? And that you are blessed that they
don't
look like ****.

Gayle
"H Schinske" wrote in message
...
Gayle ) wrote:

But the questions they asked were totally uncalled for, and frankly,
none of their business. I had comments from "Did you use fertility?"
to
"Are you breastfeeding?"

Yup. People do that. It gets funny after a while. So far my favorite
comments
have been the ones from (a) the intense lady in the health food store
who
asked, "Do they have a psychic bond?" and (b) the teenager who said,
"They
twins? You ****tin' me! They don't look **** alike."

--Helen

We started to put them in separate strollers and it has cut down the gawkers
by 75%.

some people don't even believe they are twins.
Keep the sense of humor though, you WILL need it!

Jack
"The Huwe Family" wrote in message
.com...
I haven't heard those ones yet. BTW Did you tell the teenager that
you've
never seen two ****s alike anyway? And that you are blessed that they
don't
look like ****.

Gayle
"H Schinske" wrote in message
...
Gayle ) wrote:

But the questions they asked were totally uncalled for, and frankly,
none of their business. I had comments from "Did you use fertility?"
to
"Are you breastfeeding?"

Yup. People do that. It gets funny after a while. So far my favorite
comments
have been the ones from (a) the intense lady in the health food store
who
asked, "Do they have a psychic bond?" and (b) the teenager who said,
"They
twins? You ****tin' me! They don't look **** alike."

--Helen

wrote:

It's probably just my perception, but I've been interpeting "do
twins run in your family" as a slightly nicer way of asking "did
you take fertility drugs?" or actually "did you do IVF" because
the general public seems to be unaware of any fertility
treatments OTHER than IVF.

I think probably some people are asking it for that reason, and some aren't,
and it is probably impossible to tell who's who. With older folks, say more
than 30 years older than I am, I tend to assume they really do want to know if
twins run in our family, since it's the kind of thing I've heard lots of
conversations about over the years. (Another question like this that I've
always taken as having two possible meanings is "Did you know you were having
twins?" Well, I don't think there are very many delivery table surprises any
longer! I've always answered that as "I found out at the ultrasound, it was
quite a surprise.")

The classic answer to the runs-in-the-family question, by the way, is "They do
now!" :-)

Another way to handle it is to say "I think there are a few sets back there
somewhere," which is probably true of any family tree, after all.

--Helen