Having more than one child - any regrets?

Barbara Bomberger wrote:
I also married late and had children late (my first at almost
thirty, my last at almost forty.

To be honest, I don't think of "almost 30" as particularly late for a first
child. I say I was "olderish" when I had my first at 33, but I don't even
think of that as especially late. I'd think of a first child after about 35
as on the late side. In my case, I didn't marry particularly late (I was
24), but we obviously waited quite a while before we had children.

First I have to say, as someone who has been married for a very long
time, that yes, in my experience both for our marriage and others we
know, the monthly parent alone outing, or date, or whatever you call
it is invaluable. This does not mean I think either party can do
ignore the marriage the rest of the time. It does mean
aknowledgement that you are a couple, separate from being mom and
dad. In our case we tried to go out once a week but did not always
make it. Sometimes we did nothing more than walk and go to a book
store. We have been to a drive in, sometimes out to dinner, it
depends. But that is adult interaction time, and it happens
regularly, usually weekly. I would say our kids were enhanced by
this, rather than the opposite.

That's nice. I wouldn't *mind* going out once a week with my husband and not
the kids, if for no other reason than to enjoy cuisine they don't like, but
frankly, I don't think it's critical for *all* couples to do this sort of
thing in order to have "couple time" separate from being mom and dad. My
husband and I haven't been married particularly long (it'll be 15 years in
December), but long enough to have developed our own ways of getting that
together-as-a-couple time. We used to have lunch alone together almost every
weekday (this was when I WOH), but now that I WAH, we tend to get it in the
mornings on weekdays before the kids get up and when the kids are otherwise
occupied. (Honestly, I don't know why people act as though children require
*constant* supervision. Mine play by themselves or together quite well and
quite safely--most of the time!--while my husband and I sit in the kitchen
drinking coffee and chatting about stuff.

It's not that we *never* go out without the kids, either--it's just that we
don't do it terribly often (I'd guess it's about 12 times per year, but
sometimes more than once a month, depending on what's going on). And while I
think it's something we'd both like to do a bit more often than we do now, I
don't think our desire for it has very much to do with acknowledging our
"coupleness" and more to do with being able to enjoy activities and events
that aren't particularly well suited to children. But, for a host of
reasons, we don't do it more often, and neither of us apparently misses it
enough to make a major change in our lifestyle to allow it. That doesn't
mean we're not attending to our relationship, though--it just means we're
attending to it in other ways.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 5), and the Rising Son (Julian, 7)

This week's suggested Bush-Cheney Campaign Slogan:
"Why change horsemen in mid-apocalypse?"

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

On Tue, 26 Oct 2004 09:25:39 -0400, "Sue"
I agree with both of you that my family is my life now. I don't feel the
need to go out every week and whoop it up. I am more of a homebody anyway.
However, I see nothing wrong with needing some time to go out either alone
with friends or with my husband. I also don't begrude my husband going out
once a month with friends or even more to the truth once a week. He may go
out and get a beer with his coworkers once in a while. It doesn't bother me
and it doesn't seem to have that much of an impact on the kids. Sure, they
like to see him, but if it's only once a week, that doesn't seem to be a
problem. I don't buy the we sowed our wild oats before we had kids so we
don't feel the need to go out now. I happen to think that the marriage needs
some attention too and if it's having a date night once a month, then I
think it helps marriages. If one spends all the time with the kids and
doesn't pay attention to their marriage, once the kiddos leave it can be a
hard transition for the married couple.

We go out too. We just usually leave after the kids are asleep, and
together. We don't have much use for going out without the kids during
the day, unless we have to. Occasionally one of us does go out for
dinner or coffee with co-workers, and are late home. I think of it as
part of the job, and I do more of it that DH because my job requires
more shmoozing.

For the most part though, both of us are content to stay home most of
the time. We each have interests and hobbies, and both need alone
time, but we easily fulfil these without going out. I'm not
suggesting nobody should - just that as an older couple (40 & 50) we
are less inclined to do so. In fact I have single girlfriends who are
in their late 30's and tired of going out. They basically feel ready
to have a family and stay home with them. I think that is a good point
to be at when you have kids.

I fear that young(or immature) folks like Pete who are constantly
straining at the bit to go out 4 or 5 times a week are apt to become
resentful of their kids. Wasn't that what his post was about ...
regrets?

--Lisa bell
Mom to Gabriella (6) and Michaela (4.5)