Having more than one child - any regrets?

We have three, which is not something I would have predicted! I come
from a family of two kids, hubby is an only child. Who knew we would
elect to have what has become a bigger than average brood...and lord
knows, if I had started younger we might have had more.

The biggest impact to our lives was #1. #2 much less so, given that
our lives and home were already rearranged to meet the needs of a
child. The only real adjustment was getting used to not being able to
meet everyone's needs simultaneously 100% of the time (when you have
more than one, sometimes a kid has to wait for a while...which is not
necessarily a BAD thing). #3 was totally no biggie, and now I can see
how you could have 4, 5, 6 or more and handle it quite well. Having a
few kids has really improved our organizational skills in terms of how
we run the household. Hubbie and I have learned to row, bail and steer
the boat in unison. LOL! We could pretty much handle an army with the
same methods.

The expenses were increased, but it was incremental, given that we
already had chosen to live in a family type home and neighbourhood due
to #1. We chose in-home child care, so it didn't make much difference
if there was 1 kid or 3 in the house.

The kids totally love each other - which isn't to say they never
fight, but that they have very, very strong bonds with each other and
spend a lot of time playing with each other, helping each other.

Its my observation that when kids have another kid to play with, they
are much lower maintenance in terms of the demands they make on mom
and dad. I really notice this with my kids when they are alone without
their sibs vs. when they have each other or other neighbourhood kids
over to play with . When they are bored and have no one to interact
with other than the adults in the house, they are bugging me every 3
seconds about every little thing possible. When they are busy playing
with someone, I hardly see them (i.e. they are in the basement
playroom and happy as clams to let Mummy do whatever).

My advice is to be careful not to harp on the subject of another kid.
Its okay if he knows you would like another, but if you make too big a
deal about it, he'll feel cornered and might dig his heels in.

Sometimes its really hard to see beyond the very high maintenance days
of babyhood and toddlerhood, where you don't necessarily get a lot of
ya-yas for all the work involved. Its hard to imagine that that little
black hole of time and energy is really going to evolve into a
sentient human being you can do things with and enjoy. Took my DH 2
years after #1 to embrace the idea of a second... and more than 3
years after #2 to want a third(the end spacing was 2 years 9 months
between #1 and #2, and 4 years between #2 and #3). During this time I
studiously kept my yap shut and fingers crossed that he would warm up
to the idea on his own...which he did, once he started seeing the kids
as funny, sweet, interesting individuals, rather than just a screaming
bundle who kept us up all night, sucked up all our money, and
prevented him from doing what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it,
including spending time with me!

Mary G.

"H Schinske" wrote in message
...
Sophie wrote:

Nice to see soeone else had it the same way. I think people think I'm
lying
sometimes when I say 4's not that hard.

I don't think you're lying, but lots of it must be personality -- yours
and
theirs. After all, having that many kids does mean a higher chance that at
any
given time, *someone* is in a bad mood, or not feeling well, or bouncing
off
the walls to a maddening extent, or developing a harmless but annoying
habit,
or ... you get the idea. My kids are like herding cats. They're just
*never*
all the same way at once.

--Helen

True. They're all different but I like that. I like being busy too.

wrote:

Its my observation that when kids have another kid to play with, they
are much lower maintenance in terms of the demands they make on mom
and dad.

See, with mine it's the exact opposite. When I've got only one of them around,
it's blissfully easy, because they haven't got anyone to fight with! But I
don't think they'd necessarily have been like that all the time if they hadn't
had siblings -- they're just grabbing a break.

--Helen

No regrets about having two, and would have preferred three or four.

As far as persuading a reluctant partner, a lot of people are saying if you
have to persuade someone, then don't. I don't think this is the case for
everyone.

My DH had to be "persuaded," but he needs to be persuaded towards almost
anything that's not the status quo, that might cost money (and we have
plenty) and/or that might reduce the amount of time on Saturdays he can
spend doing nothing but watching football. He's the type of person for whom
the initial reaction to change is a firm "no" and he always voices his
initial reaction.

So, yes, he requires persuasion. He requires persuasion to try a new
restaurant, to vacation other than to where he's vacationed for the past 15
years, to use butter instead of the margarine he grew up with, to open a
window and, yes, to add children to the family.

I should note that he had to persuade me to marry him, to build our house,
to see a chiropracter, to drive a minivan, to get cable modem, etc.

If someone is really against a plan, so be it. If someone just hasn't
thought about it and needs convincing, that's something else.

Persuasion, discussion, communication -- sometimes the lines blur.
--
Marnie
--

H Schinske wrote:
wrote:

Its my observation that when kids have another kid to play with, they
are much lower maintenance in terms of the demands they make on mom
and dad.

See, with mine it's the exact opposite. When I've got only one of
them around, it's blissfully easy, because they haven't got anyone to
fight with! But I don't think they'd necessarily have been like that
all the time if they hadn't had siblings -- they're just grabbing a
break.


Mine are quite a bit of work when they are together. They are much easier
individually ;-) I think this is a bit of an age thing and I hope it gets
better as they get older, lol. I have a hell of a time getting them out
from under my feet. You'd think with each other they would go play but they
don't. They pester and harass each other and me all the time. Alone, they
are still around but not pestering and getting a rise out of one another ;-)
When I have older kids around (7 and up) they do all go off and play
together and it is very nice. Or one will be off playing with the older kid
and the other doing something else - amazingly enough without me!!

--
Nikki

"Nikki" wrote in message
...
H Schinske wrote:
wrote:

Its my observation that when kids have another kid to play with, they
are much lower maintenance in terms of the demands they make on mom
and dad.

See, with mine it's the exact opposite. When I've got only one of
them around, it's blissfully easy, because they haven't got anyone to
fight with! But I don't think they'd necessarily have been like that
all the time if they hadn't had siblings -- they're just grabbing a
break.


Mine are quite a bit of work when they are together. They are much easier
individually ;-) I think this is a bit of an age thing and I hope it gets
better as they get older, lol. I have a hell of a time getting them out
from under my feet. You'd think with each other they would go play but
they
don't. They pester and harass each other and me all the time. Alone,
they
are still around but not pestering and getting a rise out of one another
;-)
When I have older kids around (7 and up) they do all go off and play
together and it is very nice. Or one will be off playing with the older
kid
and the other doing something else - amazingly enough without me!!

--
Nikki

I think how an only child is with a parent is not the same as a child with
sibs on their own with a parent. For a child with sibs it's a nice break
and they get the chance to be alone with that parent. For an only, that's
nothing new.

What do you do if you're not sure?

On one hand, I have a lot of medical advise suggesting that this should be
my last pregnancy-given that I ended up delivering early because of severe
PE/HELLP in the first and that I've been borderline pre-eclamptic from 22
weeks on in the second, and the risk increases with age, it seems likely
that a third pregnancy would be, at best, a repeat of this one. Lots of
stress, lots of doctors appointments, lots of weeks on bedrest, only with a
preschooler at home. And I'm not sure it would be fair to a child at home
to have to deal with mommy on bedrest for months to have a baby-or the
possible loss of a brother or sister. So, it would make sense to go ahead
and get the tubal done with the C-section.

But, my husband and I have always planned on at least two children-and he's
more in favor of larger families than I am (he's the second of 4 children),
so I don't think either of us are completely ready to give up that hope of a
second child-and while adoption is an option, I know my husband, especially,
really is set on that biological link-and I know that while he's been really
trying not to show it, he's a little disappointed about this baby being a
girl instead of the son he wants (and lost last time).

So, do you follow your head, or follow your heart?

Donna Metler wrote:

What do you do if you're not sure?

On one hand, I have a lot of medical advise suggesting that this should be
my last pregnancy-given that I ended up delivering early because of severe
PE/HELLP in the first and that I've been borderline pre-eclamptic from 22
weeks on in the second, and the risk increases with age, it seems likely
that a third pregnancy would be, at best, a repeat of this one. Lots of
stress, lots of doctors appointments, lots of weeks on bedrest, only with a
preschooler at home. And I'm not sure it would be fair to a child at home
to have to deal with mommy on bedrest for months to have a baby-or the
possible loss of a brother or sister. So, it would make sense to go ahead
and get the tubal done with the C-section.

But, my husband and I have always planned on at least two children-and he's
more in favor of larger families than I am (he's the second of 4 children),
so I don't think either of us are completely ready to give up that hope of a
second child-and while adoption is an option, I know my husband, especially,
really is set on that biological link-and I know that while he's been really
trying not to show it, he's a little disappointed about this baby being a
girl instead of the son he wants (and lost last time).

So, do you follow your head, or follow your heart?

I think you wait until this baby is here and you adjust a
bit to life with baby. Then, think about your options in practical
terms. I think if you have another baby before this one is all
that old, I don't think there will be a huge impact with a possible
loss. I wouldn't worry about the unfairness of bedrest *if* you
were able to provide appropriate care. So, it would seem that
knowing the risks involved, you would want to know going in that
you had the help in place to care for your child and keep your
home on a reasonably even keel if you were on bedrest again.
The biggest thing I'd worry about is the risk to *you*.
I think she'll cope with Mommy on bedrest as long as there's someone
to take care of her and keep the household going, but coping with
losing Mommy is a much bigger problem. I don't know what the
risks are, and maybe they even depend on how the rest of this
pregnancy plays out. If the risks to yourself were significant,
that's the thing that I think you have an obligation to be cautious
about.
If the risks to you are acceptable, then after that it
boils down to how much unpleasantness you want to deal with and
whether you can muster up the help necessary to get through
another extended bedrest, should it happen.

Best wishes,
Ericka

(Abi) wrote in message . com...
Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
appreciate other siblings at a young age?
What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
and was he eventually glad to have another baby?

As you can see, this is so individual. For me, #1 was a radical
life-changing experience, #2 was really no biggie, and 3# was hard as
hell. For one thing, #1 and 2 were planned, #3 was not. Also, my #2
was a very attached child who was happy as long as she was with me.
Didn't matter, really, what we did. My two oldest were 7 and 4 when #3
came along, and it was very hard to "go back" to life with baby --
even though I had always wanted more than 2 but had decided to stop at
2 for practical reasons. The difficulty of having #3 also had to do
with all the reasons we decided not to have a third: tight finances,
small house, mom already stretched as thin as feasible running a
micro-business from home with 2 kiddies there. Also, #3 is *extremely*
active (I have posted here about concerns about this) and therefore
very high maintenance (to stop her from killing herself or destroying
the property) and hard to take along except in 100% child-friendly
environments, which did not suit my way of being a SAHM, which was to
be out and about a lot, including doing stuff that was fun for *me*,
like art museums and coffee shops, which my older 2 did very well
with.

So, you see, this is all very individual. Are you hoping to travel
with your kid(s) a lot? Do you live in a very small home? Are you
working OH, or hoping to soon? Are you getting old, or can you wait a
few years and decide then? Etc.?

I personally feel siblings are a blessing, though I know that in some
families, they end up not being so. But for most, I do think it is a
great boon to have sibling(s). Some will not feel this way about each
other at every point in their childhoods, but I think most end up
feeling that way eventually, if only because (s)he ends up being
someone you can share taking care of aging parents with. But, again,
this will vary.

If you are *really* on the fence, I would not move forward with
getting pregnant. Best to really desire the baby. However, many of us
have "surprise" babies, and even those of us for whom this is very
hard, for whatever reason, usually end up being so glad. You can't
control everything when it comes to kids!

"Abi" wrote in message
om...
Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
second or third?
Hi there!

I have two, and have no regrets, but I will say that I'm finding two to be
exponentially more work than just one was. It may be their ages (2 years
and 10 weeks), but I definitely find that I've no longer got the time to
lavish on each kid the way I did for my daughter when she was an only child.
That may not be a bad thing for the kids, mind you. Still, life with
two is a lot more pressured than life with only one. (Again, it may be the
ages of my kids, but that's my experience right now).

Is it also much more expensive?

Well, yes and no. I'm not buying much for my little guy at all, but day
care will be twice as expensive, when both my husband and I are working.
College will be twice as expensive, sports teams, summer camp, etc. But
everything but food, shelter, day care and college is discretionary
spending.


Do children
appreciate other siblings at a young age?

That's purely individual. My daughter loves her little brother right now,
but that may or may not be the case when he's teething on her barbies.
You can't predict whether kids are going to like each other.

What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
and was he eventually glad to have another baby?

See, I would never do this. It sounds like a recipe for severely stressing
one's marriage. Kids put enormous pressure on the most solid of marriages,
I can't imagine how much more stressful it would be if one partner had not
wanted the new baby to begin with.

Kind regards,

Donna