Anyone been abandoned by a child?

As Mother's Day closely approaches, I searched for "moms who have lost
children" and stumbled on to this site. Although the poem brought tears
to my eyes, it seems to me so rare that there are those like me out
there. After years of physical and mental abuse, I was finally able,
just barely to breakaway, leaving home, thinking my 13 year old son
would join me. Instead, he turned against me and has cut off all ties
with me and my whole family. He is now 17, doing quite well, I am
told. When it is mother's day and all are celebrating, I mourn my
rejected unconditional love. Anyone know anyone like me??

On 20 Apr 2005 12:16:38 -0700, "abandoned mom"
wrote:

As Mother's Day closely approaches, I searched for "moms who have lost
children" and stumbled on to this site. Although the poem brought tears
to my eyes, it seems to me so rare that there are those like me out
there. After years of physical and mental abuse, I was finally able,
just barely to breakaway, leaving home, thinking my 13 year old son
would join me. Instead, he turned against me and has cut off all ties
with me and my whole family. He is now 17, doing quite well, I am
told. When it is mother's day and all are celebrating, I mourn my
rejected unconditional love. Anyone know anyone like me??

No, I don't.... but I'm sorry for your loss

Nan

"abandoned mom" wrote in message
ups.com...
As Mother's Day closely approaches, I searched for "moms who have lost
children" and stumbled on to this site. Although the poem brought tears
to my eyes, it seems to me so rare that there are those like me out
there. After years of physical and mental abuse, I was finally able,
just barely to breakaway, leaving home, thinking my 13 year old son
would join me. Instead, he turned against me and has cut off all ties
with me and my whole family. He is now 17, doing quite well, I am
told. When it is mother's day and all are celebrating, I mourn my
rejected unconditional love. Anyone know anyone like me??

I'm sorry about your loss as well.

I do know someone in a similar situation, who could relate to many of your
feelings on mother's day.

Her daughter has completely rejected her on all fronts. The only time
she'll make contact with her mother, is when she wants to "borrow" money..
...and whether she gets any or not, she'll soon turn a cold shoulder and slam
the door back in place on her mother again, and on the way out: possibly
confront her with an onslaught about how horrible a mother she is, edging
into delusions about her mothers behaviour and motives (father was abusive
as well - parents split up). Mother is currently putting up with a huge
onslaught of abusive/hate emails directed at her, which are quite violent
and scarey - and misdirected. Her daughter seems to think that mother
hates/reviles/antagonizes her, despite her unconditional love and
reassurances (in the recent past - mother has currently reached the point
where she's not responding at all, as she feels that she is becoming the
victim of her daughter's abuse). Daughter is suspected of having mental
health issues (eg: schizophrenia) but has resisted all attempts/suggestions
at professional assessment or treatment.

This daughter (26) *hates* her mother.

In article . com, abandoned mom
says...

As Mother's Day closely approaches, I searched for "moms who have lost
children" and stumbled on to this site. Although the poem brought tears
to my eyes, it seems to me so rare that there are those like me out
there. After years of physical and mental abuse, I was finally able,
just barely to breakaway, leaving home, thinking my 13 year old son
would join me. Instead, he turned against me and has cut off all ties
with me and my whole family. He is now 17, doing quite well, I am
told. When it is mother's day and all are celebrating, I mourn my
rejected unconditional love. Anyone know anyone like me??


I know people in all kind of situations - they're complex, and never where any
party is the pure victim or pure hero. I have no clue from your description
which if any of them is like you.

You seem to looking for an "ain't it awful poor dear" reaction and you'll get it
from a few. But, where really does that leave you?

I see "poor me and Mother's Day is coming up" in your post and nothing at all
about the whys and wherefores of the situation or the feelings or motivations of
your son. If one wants to be close to someone, focus on self generally isnt'
the way to do it.

Have you sought any conselling concerning this siutation?

Banty

abandoned mom wrote:
As Mother's Day closely approaches, I searched for "moms who have
lost
children" and stumbled on to this site. Although the poem brought
tears
to my eyes, it seems to me so rare that there are those like me out
there. After years of physical and mental abuse, I was finally able,
just barely to breakaway, leaving home, thinking my 13 year old son
would join me. Instead, he turned against me and has cut off all ties
with me and my whole family. He is now 17, doing quite well, I am
told. When it is mother's day and all are celebrating, I mourn my
rejected unconditional love. Anyone know anyone like me??

I know many mothers who loved their children unconditionally, but who
were horrible mothers nonetheless. It is possible that, as your son
grows into adulthood, he will see things differently and come back
around to reconnect with you.

I spent many years working with women who came out of childhood abuse
situations. It is not unusual for children in toxic homes to side with
the abusing parent, not the abused parent. Why would anyone want to
become like the one who is being hurt, beat or humiliated? It is also
not unusual for a child in such a home to resent the parent who didn't
protect them from the abuser more than the abuser. So, in other words,
many of the women in my support groups had more anger against the
parent who didn't abuse them but who, in their eyes, should have and
could have protected them against the abuser but didn't (even if that
parent was being abused too). Doesn't make logical sense, but it is a
*very* typical position for an abused child to take.

If your son is with his father and his father was your abuser, he is
probably also experiencing abuse at his father's hands. Once your son
is independent of his father he may be in a position to see that
"normal" people don't behave this way and reach out to you again. I'm
sorry you're having this experience but, unfortunately, the decisions
we make have lasting ramifications in our children's lives, even if we
wish they didn't. Perhaps, with time, your son's wounds will heal
enough to treat you differently.

dragon

On 21 Apr 2005 05:41:55 -0700, "dragon"
wrote:

I know many mothers who loved their children unconditionally, but who
were horrible mothers nonetheless. It is possible that, as your son
grows into adulthood, he will see things differently and come back
around to reconnect with you.

I spent many years working with women who came out of childhood abuse
situations. It is not unusual for children in toxic homes to side with
the abusing parent, not the abused parent. Why would anyone want to
become like the one who is being hurt, beat or humiliated? It is also
not unusual for a child in such a home to resent the parent who didn't
protect them from the abuser more than the abuser. So, in other words,
many of the women in my support groups had more anger against the
parent who didn't abuse them but who, in their eyes, should have and
could have protected them against the abuser but didn't (even if that
parent was being abused too). Doesn't make logical sense, but it is a
*very* typical position for an abused child to take.

If your son is with his father and his father was your abuser, he is
probably also experiencing abuse at his father's hands. Once your son
is independent of his father he may be in a position to see that
"normal" people don't behave this way and reach out to you again. I'm
sorry you're having this experience but, unfortunately, the decisions
we make have lasting ramifications in our children's lives, even if we
wish they didn't. Perhaps, with time, your son's wounds will heal
enough to treat you differently.

dragon

Very well said, dragon. I had been composing a similar post in my
head, but now I don't need to :-)

Nan

It took you 13 years, huh?

Did you let your husband beat the kid too?

"abandoned mom" wrote in message
ups.com...
As Mother's Day closely approaches, I searched for "moms who have lost
children" and stumbled on to this site. Although the poem brought tears
to my eyes, it seems to me so rare that there are those like me out
there. After years of physical and mental abuse, I was finally able,
just barely to breakaway, leaving home, thinking my 13 year old son
would join me. Instead, he turned against me and has cut off all ties
with me and my whole family. He is now 17, doing quite well, I am
told. When it is mother's day and all are celebrating, I mourn my
rejected unconditional love. Anyone know anyone like me??

"LaTreen Washington" wrote in
message ...
It took you 13 years, huh?

Did you let your husband beat the kid too?


Somebody must have beat you when you were little.

We're sorry to hear about that...

...there are support groups available though. Maybe you could go find one of
those instead of spreading your hurt (innappropriately) here?

Take care of yourself..

In article ,
"LaTreen Washington"
wrote:

It took you 13 years, huh?

Did you let your husband beat the kid too?

"abandoned mom" wrote in message
ups.com...
As Mother's Day closely approaches, I searched for "moms who have lost
children" and stumbled on to this site. Although the poem brought tears
to my eyes, it seems to me so rare that there are those like me out
there. After years of physical and mental abuse, I was finally able,
just barely to breakaway, leaving home, thinking my 13 year old son
would join me. Instead, he turned against me and has cut off all ties
with me and my whole family. He is now 17, doing quite well, I am
told. When it is mother's day and all are celebrating, I mourn my
rejected unconditional love. Anyone know anyone like me??




Actually, a couple of people.

When a woman stays with her abuser this long, and leaves when her son is
in his early teens, it is not at all uncommon for the boy to identify
with his father (after all, the one who was the "victor") and stay and
turn his back on his mother. I've heard boys in that situation explain
to their mothers that "Dad wouldn't have had to hit you if you'd behaved
propoerly."

You may or may not get your son back at some point. Especially if your
former husband did NOT physically abuse his son, unfortunately, it is
more likely that your son will continue to identify with Dad.

Good luck; just continue to love him and let him know you're there when
(if) he's ready to reconnect.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care