how to parent?

I know this sounds a very odd question, but the way things have happened for
me, I seem to have got to this stage and have huge areas where I am
clueless. I suffered severe postnatal depression after the birth of my first
child, then had a very difficult delivery of my 2nd, leaving me in severe
pain, with limited mobility, which basically means there entire time, I've
been in survival parenting mode. Luckily we seem to have pretty good kids in
general and when there have been issues come up we do seem to have managed
fairly well, the oldest (3.5) also seems pretty adaptable and has coped well
with multiple carers and living on 3 different continents. We are finally in
a settled location and my health is improving, I'm not fully active and
still take a lot of painkillers, which is a big improvement, but it's really
hit me recently that I just don't know what to do with my younger child,
18mths, her big brother goes to preschool 3 times a week and during these
times, I find myself hoping she'll sleep because otherwise I don't know what
to do with her, or how to entertain her. Things aren't so bad with the older
one, but I do feel I'm not doing as much with him as would be good for him.
In some ways I don't know where to start, but in others, I know it's my
mindset that I have to change, I've got used to having time to myself and
being able to do what I want and in the end, I really have no idea how the
average parent at home actually gets through the day!

I'd be grateful for any tips, but please start at the beginning, I'm looking
for basic things I can start to do, activities (even just spending x amount
of time playing in a particular way) that I can commit to do on a daily or
weekly basis and just kick start this whole parenting lark.

Cheers

Anne

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
I'd be grateful for any tips, but please start at the beginning, I'm
looking for basic things I can start to do, activities (even just
spending x amount of time playing in a particular way) that I can
commit to do on a daily or weekly basis and just kick start this
whole parenting lark.

There are so many things to do that you might be inundated with
suggestions. So I'll limit myself to just a couple.

At that age, my kids loved blocks, duplos, and those stacking cubes.
Generally I'd build something, and then they would knock it down.
That would send them into peals of laughter.

They also adored the sandbox -- digging, building, destroying, and
finding things.

Both of these are fun activities to do together that don't tend to get
boring quickly, and don't take a lot of physical movement on your
part. And both are fun for both age groups, except that you have to
be careful if you're all doing them together, because if the 18 month
old destroys what the 3 year old has built, there will be trouble.

Bizby

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
I'd be grateful for any tips, but please start at the beginning, I'm
looking for basic things I can start to do, activities (even just spending
x amount of time playing in a particular way) that I can commit to do on a
daily or weekly basis and just kick start this whole parenting lark.

We do a few things to fill in down time when I find I get this way. We take
a walk every day after nap. We go to the storytime at the library once or
twice a week. We go to the park.

Anne Rogers wrote:
I find myself hoping she'll sleep because otherwise I don't know what
to do with her, or how to entertain her. Things aren't so bad with the older
one, but I do feel I'm not doing as much with him as would be good for him.

Basically, you are entering a stage with #2 that you missed with #1
because when #1 was that age, you were preoccupied with #2. And you're
in a whole new life too, living in the US instead of the UK. And it is
winter. Some adjustments are in order.

Perhaps it will comfort you to know this stage will be very brief.
Very soon now, #2 will start talking and soon thereafter she will be
able to tell you what she wants to do.

When I got stir crazy, some things we did we

1. Go to the library. I would get a book or magazine to skim and we'd
go hang out in the children's play area. We tried out every library
within about 40 minutes' drive.

2. Go to a coffee shop. Monkey Boy got a box or lidded cup of
chocolate milk to drink with a straw.

3. Volunteer at a thrift shop or animal shelter or old folks home.
Somewhere child friendly.

At #2's age, play is still limited. What matters is having plenty of
enjoyable social interaction and enough physical activity. And as much
observation and talk as possible about what #2 observes.

At that age, my kids loved blocks, duplos, and those stacking cubes.
Generally I'd build something, and then they would knock it down. That
would send them into peals of laughter.

that's a good one, we have blocks, but I don't think I've ever sat down with
the younger one and done something with them, it's different/easier with the
older one, as he will ask for certain things to be built.

They also adored the sandbox -- digging, building, destroying, and finding
things.

we don't have one and I don't think we're going down that route, we live in
a condo, we have a good size deck, but I think the keeping of a sand box
clean and useable would not happen.

thanks

Anne

We do a few things to fill in down time when I find I get this way. We
take a walk every day after nap. We go to the storytime at the library
once or twice a week. We go to the park.

walking is difficult for me, I think I'm probably at my limit of how much I
can do without making symptoms worse. I investigated story times at various
libraries and for 18mths, it was registration only and stated one adult per
child, I don't know if they make an exception for older siblings, but it
didn't seem sensible to go that route, for the older age group there isn't
registration, but there wasn't a time that worked, now we've moved, I think
I'll revisit this after Christmas. I feel that we do do a reasonable amount
and it's the home time that's the issue, that I need to improve it rather
than cut it out. Parks are definitely an option at certain times of year,
but have not been good for the last 6+ weeks.

Cheers

Anne

Basically, you are entering a stage with #2 that you missed with #1
because when #1 was that age, you were preoccupied with #2. And you're
in a whole new life too, living in the US instead of the UK. And it is
winter. Some adjustments are in order.

actually I would have been about 2-3mths pregnant with #2, with the age that
#1 is at no, we were just on the verge of an international move, from the UK
to Korea, which was very hectic and I was working, DS had some childcare,
once we moved there, I do remember feeling a bit the same way as I do now
with DD, but of course I only had one child, despite being pregnant I didn't
feel as tired (could put that down to painkillers I think) and we had a much
slower pace of life, in a small flat, with no car, I could take 2-3hrs over
food shopping 3 times a week. DS definitely seemed to play more on his own
than DD does at a similar age.

Perhaps it will comfort you to know this stage will be very brief.
Very soon now, #2 will start talking and soon thereafter she will be
able to tell you what she wants to do.

:-) I realise this, I think we often think the first year is the hardest and
maybe it is in someways, but I think the 2nd year can be much harder.

1. Go to the library. I would get a book or magazine to skim and we'd
go hang out in the children's play area. We tried out every library
within about 40 minutes' drive.

sounds good, I've only tried two locally, no such thing as a children's play
area, neither are at all suitable for children Ada's age, but there are 2-3
more that I could try

2. Go to a coffee shop. Monkey Boy got a box or lidded cup of
chocolate milk to drink with a straw.

I find it hard to justify that, but probably better than going completely
nuts at home, will add it to my mental ideas list.

3. Volunteer at a thrift shop or animal shelter or old folks home.
Somewhere child friendly.

now that is interesting, I can't imagine a thrift shop, but maybe an old
folks home, I'm not very clued up on this whole volunteering thing, I think
I should look into it more

At #2's age, play is still limited. What matters is having plenty of
enjoyable social interaction and enough physical activity. And as much
observation and talk as possible about what #2 observes.

I'm not sure we get the social interaction or the physical activity, when we
lived in the UK, I would go fairly regularly to "playgroups", if such things
exist in this area, they are very different in format, there is one that
runs every day just across the road from us, but it's in a gym with no
chairs for the parents, the parents have to set it up themselves, there is
nothing to divide off any areas and almost no toys age appropriate to an
18mth old, it was great for DS to work off some energy on a wet day, but I
had to leave pretty swiftly before Ada got hurt. Even indoor play areas, all
the ones here seem to be 2+ and don't have a baby area, they weren't regular
hangouts in the UK, but they were always safe and entertaining as soon as
the child was crawling and even before. I'm not so good at talking to #2 as
I was with #1, partly due to the distraction of #1 and also general
tiredness levels, but it's something I'm very aware I need to continue to
make an effort at.

Cheers

Anne

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
They also adored the sandbox -- digging, building, destroying, and
finding things.

we don't have one and I don't think we're going down that route, we
live in a condo, we have a good size deck, but I think the keeping
of a sand box clean and useable would not happen.

I don't want to sound pushy, but if you ever change your mind, the toy
stores sell small plastic sandboxes with lids that would be ideal for
a deck.

http://www.amazon.com/Turtle-Sandbox/dp/B00004SDAG

Bizby

On Sat, 9 Dec 2006 21:46:20 -0800, "Anne Rogers"
wrote:

we don't have one and I don't think we're going down that route, we live in
a condo, we have a good size deck, but I think the keeping of a sand box
clean and useable would not happen.

Try a sensory table - you can dig in beans instead of sand. You can
also put in those styrofoam peanuts or pieces of paper. Some messy
play can also be contained in this kind of table on your deck. You
could do shaving cream, for example.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

In article ,
"Anne Rogers" wrote:

We are finally in
a settled location and my health is improving, I'm not fully active and
still take a lot of painkillers, which is a big improvement, but it's really
hit me recently that I just don't know what to do with my younger child,
18mths, her big brother goes to preschool 3 times a week and during these
times, I find myself hoping she'll sleep because otherwise I don't know what
to do with her, or how to entertain her. Things aren't so bad with the older
one, but I do feel I'm not doing as much with him as would be good for him.
In some ways I don't know where to start, but in others, I know it's my
mindset that I have to change, I've got used to having time to myself and
being able to do what I want and in the end, I really have no idea how the
average parent at home actually gets through the day!

What a great question! Here are a few thoughts:

1. You do things differently with the second child. The second child is woken
from naps because you need to be somewhere (eg, picking the first child up,
going to their activities, etc), and they get less one-to-one attention
because they have less time alone with you. You also don't spend as much time
on time-consuming craft activities, because you don't *have* time any more.
OTOH they have an elder sibling to play with/follow/annoy. That is, Child 2
is a bit lower-maintenance.

2. As you've BTDT with many things, you are a more confident parent (more
relaxed... or possibly just more tired...) so you spend less time worrying
about such things as Mysterious Rashes, Horrid Objects Ingested, Mess Made,
etc.

3. Perhaps not such a problem with a 2-year age gap, but see if your elder
child needs time away from the younger in order to do things that are unsafe
for the younger child (kits with small parts) or which the younger child would
mess up (train layouts). You might want to set up a place or time or both.

4. Relax. You have "pretty good kids" and have "managed fairly well" with
such difficult situations as your mobility problems, and moving countries.
Can't say better than that!

5. 18mos (I have one too) are quite imitative. Give her a damp rag and let
her clean the cupboards for you, etc. DS2 is now old enough to press the
buttons on my washing machine for me, and to help tidy up and put rubbish into
the bin. If they can't actually help, let them feel that they are. I count
1, 2, 3 before turning on the vaccuum cleaner, for example. Soon DS2 will
count down for me. I think this kind of incidental work is a lot more
valuable than let's-sit-down-and-do-craft-because-it's-Edyukashunal. Do not
underestimate the satisfaction of Meaningful Work, even at this age! Notice
how kids are well aware of the difference between eg a real and a toy mobile
phone, and which they prefer!

6. If you can organise it, have one room which is a completely secure place
for play. In my case, it's my back yard. OK, not *completely* -- I know
there are a few redbacks in it, and plenty of sharp sticks, but DS2 can't get
out onto the road. So I can just let DS2 out there to roam at will, without
constantly following him around to make sure he doesn't hurt himself.

7. Have a nice practical daily routine. Meals roughly at the same time each
day, a pleasant bedtime ritual, etc.

8. Get outside at least once a day and stretch your (plural) legs. A daily
walk around the block, if you are up to it. Do they have play areas in the
shopping centres there? Library story time or the local park are other
options. Check local churches, the council and child health authorities for
playgroups. Or get involved in a local organisation that has mothers in it.
I go to Australian Breastfeeding Association meetings where there are always
babies and toddlers -- so people's houses are geared for that age group, there
are different toys to play with, and other children of that age.

9. Read stories to your children :-) DH read The Quangle-Wangle's Hat to
both our children this evening. DS2 already says "book" and "dawy" (story)!

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue