delurking - frustrated

I'm delurking to vent.

E is 13 months old. She seems to have gone back to her newborn days
with respect to night nursings. I can't sleep with her hanging on to
the boob, and as a result I'm resentful and angry and just generally
frustrated during the day.

This started about two months ago. DH (whom she is very attached to)
has taken up a new job, and can't spend as much time with her anymore.
In fact his daily commute is like 3 hours - each way. We are also in
the middle of a move closer to DH's workplace. And she's teething. She
refuses food regularly. The only thing she'll take with any regularity
is a yogurt smoothie. At her 1 year WCC 2 weeks ago, she was anemic
enough to warrant iron supplementation, and a multivitamin. She's
clingy and fussy and I realize this is probably normal behavior for her
age, but I just need some time to myself - you know ?

I take her out everyday - more for my sanity than for her, but still
she wants to nurse 3 times a day and oh, about 10 times a night.(every
20 minutes or so). I'm not exaggerating. I talked to her Doctor, and
he suggested Ferber. We tried that - it was a disaster. Mainly because
the spouse didn't get enough sleep due to her crying and finally asked
if we can wait to cut back on b/f until we go through the move. Really
any form of cutting down on night nursings will probably cause crying,
and hence resentment all around.
I've tried night time routines, but the problem is that we can't seem
to settle into a routine. I've got her daytime naps down to 1 p.m. and
5 p.m. but after she wakes there's no saying how things will go.
Whether she;ll eat, or cry or just want to be held. Sometimes she
doesn't want to bathe. Most times she doesn't want to sleep at all.

Did any of you have embarrassing moments when your children demanded to
nurse in public ? E is not there yet, but she's going to get there very
soon. And I'd like to deal with the situation before it happens if
possible. Plus she's really demanding. If I refuse, she will cry and
throw a tantrum like the world's ending and end up demanding more. I'm
a little scared of the whole parenting in the second year thing. After
that I hope it gets easy. Or else I hope I get used to it. :-)

There, I feel much better.

PK

PK wrote:
I'm delurking to vent.

E is 13 months old. She seems to have gone back to her newborn days
with respect to night nursings. I can't sleep with her hanging on to
the boob, and as a result I'm resentful and angry and just generally
frustrated during the day.

I wonder if she's getting ready to start walking... My daughter quit
sleeping for a while right before she learned to walk, and again when
she learned two dozen new words all at once (language explosion, or
whatever they call it...).

This started about two months ago. DH (whom she is very attached to)
has taken up a new job, and can't spend as much time with her anymore.
In fact his daily commute is like 3 hours - each way.

Ouch!

We are also in
the middle of a move closer to DH's workplace. And she's teething. She
refuses food regularly. The only thing she'll take with any regularity
is a yogurt smoothie.

Could be worse... I wonder if there's something you could add to it
(tofu or protein powder or something) to make it more nutritious
without changing the taste too drastically. Raw eggs maybe? Hahaha...

I make mine with a banana, and a thing of yogurt, and ice or frozen
fruit (my grocery store sells special fruit for smoothies in the
freezer section). That's two food groups. A little wheat germ for
fiber, maybe soy milk for protein? Tofu? That would make it more
balanced.

At her 1 year WCC 2 weeks ago, she was anemic
enough to warrant iron supplementation, and a multivitamin.

Maybe once the supplements kick in, she'll feel better and therefore be
less fussy? I mean, if she's slightly malnourished (not your fault,
obviously, if she's only eating smoothies - she has no one to blame but
herself ) she might just feel crappy...

She's
clingy and fussy and I realize this is probably normal behavior for her
age, but I just need some time to myself - you know ?

Sounds like Mom needs a day off. Do you have a friend or a relative
who could take her off of your hands for a few hours so that you could
do something fun for you (maybe get a coffee or go shopping or read a
nice book or go for a walk - whatever you did B.K. (before kid) to
restore yourself)?

I take her out everyday - more for my sanity than for her, but still
she wants to nurse 3 times a day and oh, about 10 times a night.(every
20 minutes or so). I'm not exaggerating. I talked to her Doctor, and
he suggested Ferber.

Yuck.

We tried that - it was a disaster. Mainly because
the spouse didn't get enough sleep due to her crying and finally asked
if we can wait to cut back on b/f until we go through the move. Really
any form of cutting down on night nursings will probably cause crying,
and hence resentment all around.

Yeah, night weaning never worked in my house either - I just had to
stick it out until she grew out of night waking - she's 16 months old
and is starting to sleep through the night (and none of that 5 hour
"through the night" b.s. - I mean from bedtime at 8:30ish until I'm
ready for her to get up at 7ish!). There IS a light at the end of the
tunnel - she should be maturing enough to settle herself back to sleep
soon. I promise that she won't still be getting up at night when she's
in high school!

I've tried night time routines, but the problem is that we can't seem
to settle into a routine. I've got her daytime naps down to 1 p.m. and
5 p.m. but after she wakes there's no saying how things will go.

I'd try to move those up earlier in the day if you can... Maybe 11 am
and 3 pm would be better, then she'd be more ready to go to bed at a
decent hour (8 or 9 pm). On the other hand, if you're deliberately
keeping her up late so that she can have time with her dad, that makes
sense too.

Whether she;ll eat, or cry or just want to be held. Sometimes she
doesn't want to bathe. Most times she doesn't want to sleep at all.

Is she teething? Mine started to get molars around then. Molars suck.

Did any of you have embarrassing moments when your children demanded to
nurse in public ? E is not there yet, but she's going to get there very
soon.

Nope. I was all ready for a fight, too, but no one has EVER given me a
hard time for nursing in public. I just nursed at Barnes and Noble
today, actually, and she's 16 months old. No one batted an eye. Of
course, she'd just cracked her head on a shelf, and was freaking out,
but still... I have NIP'd with her from the beginning - she was less
than a week old when we did it for the first time at Panera. I have to
tell you that I am mildly uncomfortable with it personally, but I do it
anyway because I'm hoping that by our actions it will become more
normal, and by the time she has kids, it won't be a big deal anymore.

Seriously, the worst I've ever gotten was a smile and a blush from a
little old man. Another little old man said, "Oh, God Bless You,
Mommy," which made my day (and I felt like a jerk because I thought he
was approaching me to make a snotty comment - that'll teach me!).

I can't believe you've gone a year without NIP! Wow. I would've been
a complete shut-in!!

And I'd like to deal with the situation before it happens if
possible. Plus she's really demanding. If I refuse, she will cry and
throw a tantrum like the world's ending and end up demanding more. I'm
a little scared of the whole parenting in the second year thing. After
that I hope it gets easy. Or else I hope I get used to it. :-)

There are places you can go in public if they make YOU feel more
comfortable that are more discreet than in the middle of the mall in
front of God & everyone. Some of my favorites are shoe departments
(nice chairs with arms, low traffic), fitting rooms (although she
REALLY gets distracted by the mirrors, and we usually end up "kissing
the baby" more than nursing) quiet corners in restaurants during off
hours, and your car are all a good start - but again, only do that if
you're doing it for YOU - not if you're doing it because of some
perceived offendedness you're expecting strangers to convey.
Strangers, generally, don't notice, and generally if they notice, they
don't care.

Oh, and the second year ROCKS so far... It is so much fun that she's
talking now, and she's running around which is a lot easier on the
back... She plays better by herself, which gives me a break every once
in a while. I like the second year a LOT more than I liked the first
year. It'll be fine once you get moved and get her out of this funk.

There, I feel much better.

You need a pedicure. Find someone to watch the baby and go get a nice
pedi. The world always looks brighter when you have pretty toes.

Pretty hands never hurt, either.

Hang in there, it'll be ok. You're in a transition right now, and
transition sucks.

Amy

PK wrote:
E is 13 months old. She seems to have gone back to her newborn days
with respect to night nursings. I can't sleep with her hanging on to
the boob

You have my total sympathy. You might like to read the smorgasbord
thread; very relevant.


he suggested Ferber. We tried that - it was a disaster.

Did you read the book first? It sounds from the rest you wrote, that
you went straight to some form of Cry It Out, which, contrary to
popular belief, is not what Ferber's book is all about. One important
point I got from his book is not to try changing sleep routines in the
middle of other upsets.

Surely the collective experience here can help you...

Can't offer you any advice on the night feeding I'm afraid as we don't
co-sleep (well except for the last few days - viral infections are
hell!) and ds dropped his last night feed at 8 and a half months. But
just to second Amy, the second year has been far more enjoyable than
the first for us. Perhaps not the first few months but the last 5 or
six (he's 17 mnths), when he isn't ill or teething, have been great. He
keeps us laughing all the time. I do miss the cuddling and snoozing
together but he has just started to give kisses freely so it does
balance out. He can choose to sit on me to read or on the floor, he is
far more able to entertain himself whilst I potter about and we are
getting good at helping mummy be a game.

As Amy said I'm sure are the there are plenty of mums here who can give
you advice, I just wanted to give you a ray of light for the future.

Cheerio

Jeni

PK wrote:
I'm delurking to vent.

This started about two months ago. DH (whom she is very attached to)
has taken up a new job, and can't spend as much time with her anymore.
In fact his daily commute is like 3 hours - each way. We are also in
the middle of a move closer to DH's workplace. And she's teething. She
refuses food regularly. The only thing she'll take with any regularity
is a yogurt smoothie. At her 1 year WCC 2 weeks ago, she was anemic
enough to warrant iron supplementation, and a multivitamin. She's
clingy and fussy and I realize this is probably normal behavior for her
age, but I just need some time to myself - you know ?

I totally understand needing more time for yourself. I take time away
for myself very regularly, but it's easy for me to do, with three big
kids to babysit. Is there anyone who could watch her for you during
the day so that you can get a break?

See, what I think is that YOU need time away from her, but she NEEDS
night nursing right now. Her mouth is hurting her, she's probably
hungry, she's feeling insecure and wants comfort, maybe she's even
waking a lot to make sure that Daddy's there! So what I wouldn't be
doing is trying to cut out the night nursing right now. Instead I
would be doing whatever you can to take care of you in the daytime so
you don't resent what you need to do for her at night. Does that make
any sense?



I take her out everyday - more for my sanity than for her, but still
she wants to nurse 3 times a day and oh, about 10 times a night.(every
20 minutes or so).

Could you try getting her to nurse more in the day? She may be reverse
cycling some because she's not getting enough in the day. I've never
had a baby that age to nurse so little in the daytime.

I'm not exaggerating. I talked to her Doctor, and
he suggested Ferber. We tried that - it was a disaster. Mainly because
the spouse didn't get enough sleep due to her crying and finally asked
if we can wait to cut back on b/f until we go through the move. Really
any form of cutting down on night nursings will probably cause crying,
and hence resentment all around.

I Ferberized my first three kids and regretted it. Really, the gains
were short-lived and not worth it. My unFerberized five year old tells
me he's tired and goes to bed without a fuss and stays there all night.
The other three wouldn't go to bed and were in bed with us at some
point during the night for years. If you must try something, from what
I've hear here The No Cry Sleep Solution is a better idea.

By the way, do you co-sleep? I missed if you said. If she's in bed
with you and you can sleep the nursing, so much the better.

I've tried night time routines, but the problem is that we can't seem
to settle into a routine. I've got her daytime naps down to 1 p.m. and
5 p.m. but after she wakes there's no saying how things will go.
Whether she;ll eat, or cry or just want to be held. Sometimes she
doesn't want to bathe. Most times she doesn't want to sleep at all.

It does seem like she is having a rough time all around right now. The
only thing I can say for sure is that it won't last. There will be
something new to come up, but this particular difficulty will clear up
sooner or later! She might be ready for just one longer nap. Then
she'd be more tired at bedtime.


Did any of you have embarrassing moments when your children demanded to
nurse in public ? E is not there yet, but she's going to get there very
soon. And I'd like to deal with the situation before it happens if
possible. Plus she's really demanding. If I refuse, she will cry and
throw a tantrum like the world's ending and end up demanding more.

Why refuse? She's still a little baby and needs to nurse. If you feel
uncomfortable, plan ahead for a discreet spot when the time comes.
Find a space you like and nurse her before she asks. Practice telling
her "Just a minute," at home and feeding her in just a minute so she
will know that you mean it when you ask her to wait in public until you
find a comfortable spot.

I'm
a little scared of the whole parenting in the second year thing. After
that I hope it gets easy. Or else I hope I get used to it. :-)

It's never easy. And just as soon as you get used to one stage,
another comes along. :-) It will take a second baby to make you feel
more like an expert!

Seriously, toddlers are fun. I think the whole "Terrible Twos" thing
is overblown.


There, I feel much better.

Good! Sometimes venting does help.

Leslie

PK wrote:
I'm delurking to vent.

E is 13 months old. She seems to have gone back to her newborn days
with respect to night nursings. I can't sleep with her hanging on to
the boob, and as a result I'm resentful and angry and just generally
frustrated during the day.

My kid is only 5 months, so take what I say with a grain of salt as I'm
not sure how, if at all, it applies to a 13 month old. But I feel like
sharing anyway...

Do you co-sleep? See my post elsewhere about thepros and cons, and
maybe at that age it's more problematic. But without it, I'd be a
zombie now as DD started reverse cycling at 12 weeks when I returned to
work. It's not the be all and end all but it has helped.


This started about two months ago. DH (whom she is very attached to)
has taken up a new job, and can't spend as much time with her anymore.
In fact his daily commute is like 3 hours - each way. We are also in
the middle of a move closer to DH's workplace. And she's teething. She
refuses food regularly. The only thing she'll take with any regularity
is a yogurt smoothie. At her 1 year WCC 2 weeks ago, she was anemic
enough to warrant iron supplementation, and a multivitamin. She's
clingy and fussy and I realize this is probably normal behavior for her
age, but I just need some time to myself - you know ?

Totally. I work FT so am away from her for ~9hrs/day (tho often go for
lunch), so I don't want to take *more* time away for myself. But my
work time is hardly 'me' time. Do you have anyone who can watch her for
a few hours? you need time away!

I take her out everyday - more for my sanity than for her, but still
she wants to nurse 3 times a day and oh, about 10 times a night.(every
20 minutes or so). I'm not exaggerating. I talked to her Doctor, and
he suggested Ferber. We tried that - it was a disaster. Mainly because
the spouse didn't get enough sleep due to her crying and finally asked
if we can wait to cut back on b/f until we go through the move. Really
any form of cutting down on night nursings will probably cause crying,
and hence resentment all around.
I've tried night time routines, but the problem is that we can't seem
to settle into a routine. I've got her daytime naps down to 1 p.m. and
5 p.m. but after she wakes there's no saying how things will go.
Whether she;ll eat, or cry or just want to be held. Sometimes she
doesn't want to bathe. Most times she doesn't want to sleep at all.

Can you push the naps up a bit? Again, DD is much younger, but when she
naps late in the day (after 4:30pm), the night time is horrible!

Did any of you have embarrassing moments when your childrn demanded to
nurse in public ? E is not there yet, but she's going to get there very
soon. And I'd like to deal with the situation before it happens if
possible. Plus she's really demanding. If I refuse, she will cry and
throw a tantrum like the world's ending and end up demanding more.

Well, again, DD is smaller so it's a little easier than a squirming
toddler, but she's a very distractable 5 month old! One word and she
de-latches and looks all around her, exposing me. I don't really care,
but others might ;-). No one has complained, tho I did have a lot of
red faces when on a plane last month, surrounded by men who all turned
to look at me as she screamed and I was trying to get her latched on.
Oh well.

I would never _not_ nurse in public if my kid was hungry. I'd have been
a hermit if I avoided it.

There, I feel much better.

Good. Good luck! I hope it improves.

Oh, Thank You, Thank You for not making me feel like a basket case or
any of you being judgemental.

I'll just write one reply to everyone in the interest of time.

We do cosleep. Otherwise I'd have run away somewhere and become a
hermit :-) No seriously, it helps that I don't have to get up all the
time to nurse her. But the thing that frustrates me is that she is
cutting out solids during the day and filling up with milk at night.

No, I didn't read the book by Dr. Ferber. To tell you the truth, we (DH
and I) really only made a half hearted attempt knowing all her issues -
missing her dad, teething, hunger, anemia etc. But I didn't like what
we did try. Either she's too young to understand that she's supposed to
lull herself to sleep, or she's stubborn or both. Either way, I don't
think night weaning or even cutting back is on the cards right now.

What makes things worse, is that we have to family in the immediate
area. They are on the other coast. (We live in CT, and are moving to
NJ). So there is no one I can really leave her with. But we do try and
do things together, like go to the library, or the park when its not
too cold, or the mall just to take a look around. I've steeled myself
to the fact that I'm just going to have to live through this stage.
Once she gets a little older and able to communicate better, I'm hoping
things will change.

I do NIP. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I started out by
NIPing in the car, and moved on to Family rooms in Malls and finally in
unused corners in shops etc. The only place I refuse to nurse is the
restroom. I would'nt eat in a restroom and neither should my daughter.
But I don't like it. I imagine people are staring at me, or making
remarks about me (they are probably not), but I feel like I'm drawing
undue attention. I cover up, and I'm sure nothing shows, but still,
there it is. I'm also probably somewhat negaively biased because I once
saw a parent at E's daycare NIP her toddler with everything showng and
the toddler (he was about 14 mos at the time) doing all sorts of
acrobatics. I actually felt really proud for all NIP moms everywhere
after watchng her, but I could never do that (not being judg-y or
anything)

I recently quit my job, in anticipation of the move, and with DH almost
not there at all during the work week, it gets overwhelming. But I'll
try adding other things to her smoothies, and try keeping patience with
her and make time for myself, and hopefully things will get better
before I know it. :-)

Phew,
Thanks again,
PK.

PK wrote:
Oh, Thank You, Thank You for not making me feel like a basket case or
any of you being judgemental.

hugs

What makes things worse, is that we have to family in the immediate
area. They are on the other coast.

That blows. I'm an hour and a half from my family, and sometimes that
feels way too far.

The best thing I ever did was find a girl at the local university to
come sit with my daughter 10 hours a week. My daughter LOVES her.
Absolutely lights up like a Christmas tree whenever we go to pick her
up. And she loves my daughter - her family has said that she talks
about my kid so much, you'd think she was her own. (She was
actually my aunt's kids' babysitter for years, and her parents are good
friends with my parents, and they (her parents) even came to my
wedding, so I had the advantage of being able to trust her early on,
cause she wasn't a complete stranger, but even so...) When you get
settled in your new home, if there is a college nearby use it as a
recruiting ground for sitters. Go to the campus and put flyers up on
the bulletin boards. I'll bet you get dozens of calls and you'll have
your pick of wonderful sitters. Then you can have some time to
yourself, and you're really doing a poor college kid with no beer money
a favor. Hahaha... And college girls are a lot more reliable than
high school girls, IMHO.

This Too Shall Pass. Hang in there.

Amy