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#61
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at odds in discipline
On Apr 15, 5:42*am, "Stephanie" wrote:
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article , toypup says... "Banty" wrote in message ... In article , toypup says... "Banty" wrote in message ... In article , toypup says... Having a vague idea that it's not good to yell doesn't give one much of a place to start in all the available books. *The parenting classes really are set up for the people that need it. Which is why I recommend the book that worked for me. *It's a 5 week program that showed me the steps to get to the point of not yelling. But she's not the yeller, and the yeller is not going to read the book.. But she's having trouble with a tantruming child, which the book addresses with practical step-by-step approaches. *I read the book because my child sounded a lot like hers does right now. What she needs is something that gives some background in child development (such as, why one doesn't reason it out with a five year old) and gives immediate, pracical advice as to how to deal day to day with a child that age. Which is what the book does. OK OK. I'm not anti-book. *It's that, first of all, I haven't read *your* book (admitting ignorance), but ever book that comes along claims, and has admirers that claim, that this is THE book. *Maybe it *is* the right book for her situation. But in general, because of the above, and because a lot of family situations (like hers) isn't exactly conducive to contemplative reading, I recommend her going to the ped and finding what classes she can take, where IME they have a very good practical orientation, she can interact, and maybe meet other people in the same shoes as her. She can do *both*, you know. Banty That is probably the best advice. But only she will know which style will suit her. The one workshop I took that I did find useful have a few components that worked for me (Vickie, still there? Of course, YMMV) I'm still here. Just soaking up the info. I ordered a book and have been reading up on kids and their different temperments. Also DD5's teacher (dang! what a great person) negotiated with little one. She said if she could "give mom a break" in the morning, she could help her out in class. It has helped. Another big thing was that it did finally dawn on me (due to you all) that Noodle is NOT a morning person, just like dad. I don't know why that was flying under my radar, but it is true. She needs extra time to get rolling. Banty mentioned that sometimes one parent ends up being sort of the single parent while married. This I feel is the case. I don't know if that is the right mentality to have, but if I am going to carry the blame for the kids' behavior, then I feel I am going to make a few decisions without discussing them first. Hell, maybe he doesn't even want to be bothered in the first place. Our city summer guide has not come out yet. When it does I may look for a parenting class to go to. Deja was correct in mentioning that the yelling is most always accompanied by name calling, so a couple weeks ago I put out a cussing can/name calling bucket for all of us. You know the drill - you do it, you pay it. If anything, it has brought his belittling into full focus. He didn't think it was an issue, but the can had been filling up fast, and I am not the one there telling him to knock it off. It also has made some difference. Anyway, I keep plodding along. The latest in our family saga - DD10 has been getting teased for her beauty mark. Kids at school are calling her mole-face. She has to do a biography book report in class, so I suggested she do Cindy Crawford, probably *the* most famous super-model, and low and behold has a mole. I think DD10 is excited over it. She is a talented speaker, loves speech, so maybe she can get her point across to some of the numbskulls in her class. I also told her some kids are cruel and even if she didn't have a beauty mark, kids would find something else to tease about. She doesn't believe me, of course, but I keep trying. Calgon take me away! Vickie |
#62
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at odds in discipline
On Apr 15, 8:10*am, Banty wrote:
snip OK OK. I'm not anti-book. *It's that, first of all, I haven't read *your* book (admitting ignorance), but ever book that comes along claims, and has admirers that claim, that this is THE book. *Maybe it *is* the right book for her situation. But in general, because of the above, and because a lot of family situations (like hers) isn't exactly conducive to contemplative reading, I recommend her going to the ped and finding what classes she can take, where IME they have a very good practical orientation, she can interact, and maybe meet other people in the same shoes as her. She can do *both*, you know. Grandparents can be asked to stay over for a few days and observe. They are usually quite willing to give advice . I wonder if the advice is worse than what you would get in counseling, and it is certainly cheaper. |
#63
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at odds in discipline
"Beliavsky" wrote in message ... On Apr 15, 8:10 am, Banty wrote: snip OK OK. I'm not anti-book. It's that, first of all, I haven't read *your* book (admitting ignorance), but ever book that comes along claims, and has admirers that claim, that this is THE book. Maybe it *is* the right book for her situation. But in general, because of the above, and because a lot of family situations (like hers) isn't exactly conducive to contemplative reading, I recommend her going to the ped and finding what classes she can take, where IME they have a very good practical orientation, she can interact, and maybe meet other people in the same shoes as her. She can do *both*, you know. Grandparents can be asked to stay over for a few days and observe. They are usually quite willing to give advice . I wonder if the advice is worse than what you would get in counseling, and it is certainly cheaper. But the grandparents are also in-laws, hence with their own bias. I can imagine dh's parents being "poor boy, she expects him to work all day AND put up with the children in the morning". Dh is very similar to the OP in the morning (none of us are morning people) Debbie |
#64
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at odds in discipline
In article , Welches says...
"Beliavsky" wrote in message ... On Apr 15, 8:10 am, Banty wrote: snip OK OK. I'm not anti-book. It's that, first of all, I haven't read *your* book (admitting ignorance), but ever book that comes along claims, and has admirers that claim, that this is THE book. Maybe it *is* the right book for her situation. But in general, because of the above, and because a lot of family situations (like hers) isn't exactly conducive to contemplative reading, I recommend her going to the ped and finding what classes she can take, where IME they have a very good practical orientation, she can interact, and maybe meet other people in the same shoes as her. She can do *both*, you know. Grandparents can be asked to stay over for a few days and observe. They are usually quite willing to give advice . I wonder if the advice is worse than what you would get in counseling, and it is certainly cheaper. But the grandparents are also in-laws, hence with their own bias. I can imagine dh's parents being "poor boy, she expects him to work all day AND put up with the children in the morning". Dh is very similar to the OP in the morning (none of us are morning people) Debbie They don't have to be *his* parents. Banty |
#65
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at odds in discipline
"Welches" wrote in message ... But the grandparents are also in-laws, hence with their own bias. I can imagine dh's parents being "poor boy, she expects him to work all day AND put up with the children in the morning". Dh is very similar to the OP in the morning (none of us are morning people) Debbie Though I feel I have a good relationship with my IL's compared to many people, I do get the feeling from them that any poor parenting that is being done is most certainly my fault. It's hard to blame their own child. |
#66
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at odds in discipline
Vickie wrote:
[...] Banty mentioned that sometimes one parent ends up being sort of the single parent while married. This I feel is the case. I don't know if that is the right mentality to have, but if I am going to carry the blame for the kids' behavior, then I feel I am going to make a few decisions without discussing them first. Hell, maybe he doesn't even want to be bothered in the first place. The phrases 'vicious circle' and 'self-fulfilling prophecy' are running through my head at this point. If you deliberately take the approach of doing things your way, shutting him out, and not even wanting to discuss it, then it's going to be pretty hard to blame him for not being involved. And I know that's what's happening already, but at least you can be working to try to make things better rather than worse. Have you tried taking the opposite approach - being proactive about asking his opinions on how to do things, *before* he gets to the point of screaming at you and telling you you're doing it all wrong? "Honey, I'd appreciate your advice. X happened with the children, and I'm worried this might be becoming a problem. I could do with discussing some ideas on how to handle it." And then actually listen to what he says and genuinely try to do as much of it as you feel you can. [...] Deja was correct in mentioning that the yelling is most always accompanied by name calling, so a couple weeks ago I put out a cussing can/name calling bucket for all of us. You know the drill - you do it, you pay it. If anything, it has brought his belittling into full focus. He didn't think it was an issue, but the can had been filling up fast, and I am not the one there telling him to knock it off. It also has made some difference. LOL! Love this one! Good luck with whatever you try. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#67
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at odds in discipline
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article , Welches says... "Beliavsky" wrote in message ... On Apr 15, 8:10 am, Banty wrote: snip OK OK. I'm not anti-book. It's that, first of all, I haven't read *your* book (admitting ignorance), but ever book that comes along claims, and has admirers that claim, that this is THE book. Maybe it *is* the right book for her situation. But in general, because of the above, and because a lot of family situations (like hers) isn't exactly conducive to contemplative reading, I recommend her going to the ped and finding what classes she can take, where IME they have a very good practical orientation, she can interact, and maybe meet other people in the same shoes as her. She can do *both*, you know. Grandparents can be asked to stay over for a few days and observe. They are usually quite willing to give advice . I wonder if the advice is worse than what you would get in counseling, and it is certainly cheaper. But the grandparents are also in-laws, hence with their own bias. I can imagine dh's parents being "poor boy, she expects him to work all day AND put up with the children in the morning". Dh is very similar to the OP in the morning (none of us are morning people) Debbie They don't have to be *his* parents. Or her parents-in which case he may well say "well they would back her up". I was thinking he'd be more likely to listen and do something for his parents. If she brings in her parents then it could look like "us" against "you". Debbie |
#68
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at odds in discipline
In article , Sarah Vaughan says...
Vickie wrote: [...] Banty mentioned that sometimes one parent ends up being sort of the single parent while married. This I feel is the case. I don't know if that is the right mentality to have, but if I am going to carry the blame for the kids' behavior, then I feel I am going to make a few decisions without discussing them first. Hell, maybe he doesn't even want to be bothered in the first place. The phrases 'vicious circle' and 'self-fulfilling prophecy' are running through my head at this point. If you deliberately take the approach of doing things your way, shutting him out, and not even wanting to discuss it, then it's going to be pretty hard to blame him for not being involved. And I know that's what's happening already, but at least you can be working to try to make things better rather than worse. That definately can be true - and she should be bringing him in and seeing if she can work it out. All the better for all if she can. But I have seen many situations where, either through belligerence like in this case, or just being "too busy" or learned helplessness, one person is the only real parent, and guess who. Having the other parent pitch in to help ("help"? - with their own lives? but anyway...) once in a while in a positive way being the best that can be gotten is one thing. Having the other parent's involvement be negative, or give that parent a sense of complete ownership with little actual work in doing the childrearing, is quite another. It's up to Vickie to figure out what kind of situation she has. Of course that should start with bringing the father in more and examinning to what extent she's been shutting him out. Banty |
#69
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at odds in discipline
In article , Welches says...
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article , Welches says... "Beliavsky" wrote in message ... On Apr 15, 8:10 am, Banty wrote: snip OK OK. I'm not anti-book. It's that, first of all, I haven't read *your* book (admitting ignorance), but ever book that comes along claims, and has admirers that claim, that this is THE book. Maybe it *is* the right book for her situation. But in general, because of the above, and because a lot of family situations (like hers) isn't exactly conducive to contemplative reading, I recommend her going to the ped and finding what classes she can take, where IME they have a very good practical orientation, she can interact, and maybe meet other people in the same shoes as her. She can do *both*, you know. Grandparents can be asked to stay over for a few days and observe. They are usually quite willing to give advice . I wonder if the advice is worse than what you would get in counseling, and it is certainly cheaper. But the grandparents are also in-laws, hence with their own bias. I can imagine dh's parents being "poor boy, she expects him to work all day AND put up with the children in the morning". Dh is very similar to the OP in the morning (none of us are morning people) Debbie They don't have to be *his* parents. Or her parents-in which case he may well say "well they would back her up". I was thinking he'd be more likely to listen and do something for his parents. If she brings in her parents then it could look like "us" against "you". Debbie Sure, that can happen too. Family dynamics notwithstanding (yes, either set of granparents may come in with biases such that they're not helpful in the end..) isn't there some way to take advantage of the experience of the grandparents?? Banty |
#70
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at odds in discipline
On Apr 16, 8:19*am, Banty wrote
Family dynamics notwithstanding (yes, either set of granparents may come in with biases such that they're not helpful in the end..) isn't there some way to take advantage of the experience of the grandparents?? I think you're better off finding a non-biased 3rd party. I love my parents to pieces and they did raise 8 kids, and I do use their experience somewhat, but inviting them in to offer parenting advice is a recipe for disaster. Ditto with DH's father. I prefer to utilize our babysitter (20+ years of childcare experience, helping raise many kids of a variety of backgrounds and recipients of different parenting styles). She has her own way, but she's learned to adapt it to the needs of the kid. We learn a lot from her! |
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