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#31
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A bit of a vent :-)
I can't tell if they were in a triple stroller or in car seats in a cart or
what ... but divide and conquer is the only way to solve this if you can't stand it. I think it is likely, as Brigitte said, that men would get fewer comments, at least it's worth a try. As others stated, avoid eye contact. I also perfected a firm-smile-and-look-away tactic that worked well when I was in a hurry. Personally, the "personal" questions didn't bother me. I didn't get too many "poor you" comments, so that was OK. But on the IVF stuff -- I used to say "Yup, IVF and born by C-section. Nothing the tiniest bit "natural" about these kids". With a big grin that clearly indicated "They're human beings you moron, how could they be any more "natural" or "unnatural" than any other kids?" On the "are they twins?" question ... dh came up with "yes, three pairs of twins, these two, these two and these two". On that and on "are they identical" I was always very polite -- just used to say "no, even the boys are fraternal and one looks like me and one looks like his father, not at all identical". I never felt the need to point out the anatomical details of B v G to separate Hanna out. It is a simple fact that *tiny* babies get the most attention, which is *precisely* of course the time when you are least prepared, most tired and least likely to enjoy or tolerate it. For triplets, as opposed to twins, I think the attention will continue fairly unabated until you get rid of the triplet stroller (for us that was almost exactly age three). At that point they will look more like siblings -- unless you dress them all perfectly coordinated, of course. Til then you will have to work around it (two strollers; two strollers plus front/back - pack; shop alone; two carts; ignore everyone; carry a sign saying "shut up") or just bear it. One excellent piece of advice which I never had the nerve/time/organization/materials to apply: attach a sign or two or ten to the stroller saying "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH". These first TWO winters especially, you either need to stay home (my solution) or do *something* to keep the germs away. This year the germs could kill them; next year the sicknesses could kill you from over-work. --Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96) and Holly (4/4/01) "The Huwe Family" wrote in message .com... Ok, I knew I was in for it when I had Triplets, but I never realized the extent of how other people think that common courtesy doesn't apply when it comes to interacting with people with multiple children. Here's what I mean . . . Last Sunday, my mom, my DH, myself, and my children went to Babies R Us to try to spend some of the gift certificates we received at our recent baby shower. We practically could not move through the store because every time we did, we had people stopping us with comments about our babies. That was annoying after a while, but it was still ok. I know that triplets cause a stir. But the questions they asked were totally uncalled for, and frankly, none of their business. I had comments from "Did you use fertility?" to "Are you breastfeeding?" I felt like asking them "If I had just one baby here, would you be asking me these questions?" My mom asked me if I expected all the attention caused by having triplets. I told her that I had expected people to whisper about it to the people they are with, but I had no idea that we would be stopped every 5 minutes by some complete stranger wanting to look at them and ask questions. I took it in stride, but my DH was getting quite angry because it took 3x as long to go shopping as it normally would have if we had been left alone. (of course he is operating on a lack of sleep also, causing him to not be as understanding as he normally would have been. Ha Ha) Gayle |
#32
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A bit of a vent :-)
Don't
recall any rude questions either, although there might have been a couple that I just shrugged off. BRBR Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to reach that goal without help. As I said, I am not sure if fertility methods played a part in your status as a parent of multiples and if it did maybe things just affect you differently. I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to sleep. Again those mentioned scenarios may not have been bothersome to you at all, but to some of us they were! We are all different aren't we? Michelle Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael |
#33
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A bit of a vent :-)
Don't
recall any rude questions either, although there might have been a couple that I just shrugged off. BRBR Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to reach that goal without help. As I said, I am not sure if fertility methods played a part in your status as a parent of multiples and if it did maybe things just affect you differently. I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to sleep. Again those mentioned scenarios may not have been bothersome to you at all, but to some of us they were! We are all different aren't we? Michelle Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael |
#34
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A bit of a vent :-)
Michelle writes:
Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to reach that goal without help. I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask, "Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?" But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question, "Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking, then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this). I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one. I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to sleep. I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm not sure. David desJardins |
#35
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A bit of a vent :-)
Michelle writes:
Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to reach that goal without help. I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask, "Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?" But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question, "Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking, then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this). I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one. I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to sleep. I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm not sure. David desJardins |
#36
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A bit of a vent :-)
David --
I got the fertility drug question many times, more often than not from complete strangers. Sometimes it was asked bluntly and directly, but my least favorite version was a woman who approached me on a ferry, and asked, in a sickeningly sweet voice "Did you have to wait a *very* long time for these *very* special babies?" I think I just mumbled something about them being an unexpected surprise, but later I wished I'd thought to say "No, actually they were born a month early." Julie Mom to Erica & Chris, 07/97, and great-great-great-grandaughter of a mom to two sets of twins David desJardins wrote: Michelle writes: Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to reach that goal without help. I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask, "Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?" But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question, "Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking, then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this). I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one. I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to sleep. I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm not sure. David desJardins |
#37
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A bit of a vent :-)
David --
I got the fertility drug question many times, more often than not from complete strangers. Sometimes it was asked bluntly and directly, but my least favorite version was a woman who approached me on a ferry, and asked, in a sickeningly sweet voice "Did you have to wait a *very* long time for these *very* special babies?" I think I just mumbled something about them being an unexpected surprise, but later I wished I'd thought to say "No, actually they were born a month early." Julie Mom to Erica & Chris, 07/97, and great-great-great-grandaughter of a mom to two sets of twins David desJardins wrote: Michelle writes: Some of us who have posted about rude comments or questions have become parents of multiples through infertility methods. I am not sure if that is the case with you. However, questions like, "Do twins run in your family?, or Did you use fertility drugs?" sometimes strike a nerve. It may possibly be that our backs are already up because before we were blessed with our children we were asked continually "Why don't you have kids yet, or When do you plan to get around to starting a family?" These sort of comments and questions sting quite a bit when you are desperately wanting to become a parent but are unable to reach that goal without help. I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask, "Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?" But, more generally, I also honestly don't understand why the question, "Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." That seems a perfectly straightforward answer. If it were a total stranger asking, then I doubt I would answer, because it's none of their business. But that doesn't make the question hurtful to me, just nosy. Like if a random stranger asked me how much money I have in the bank (hmm, come to think of it, telemarketers do call up and ask this). I know there are (many) people who are very sensitive about fertility issues. I can imagine how your sensitivity to those issues might make you more sensitive in general to strangers who are curious about your twins. I certainly don't mean to criticize you in any way for being annoyed when people ask you questions you don't like. There are all sorts of things that people do that annoy me, just not this one. I do agree though that most often people are just being friendly, and that to me is wonderful. It becomes not wonderful when their friendliness included touching my babies on the hands or the face or trying to get too close where they ended up waking one of both of them up after I had just gotten them to sleep. I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other people, but not to me? Or am I just interpreting the same events differently, or overlooking things that would bother someone else? I'm not sure. David desJardins |
#38
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A bit of a vent :-)
David desJardins wrote:
I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask, "Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?" I've had all three questions but the last question was never from strangers. The last question was from acquaintances. That type of question always seemed to come at the worst possible time: just after a failed cycle. It doesn't just sting, it hurts like a son of a bitch. The emotional pain of IF is heart-wrenching and when an almost-stranger starts asking questions, you feel like ****. Just thought I would shed a bit more light on why some of the questions irritate so much after you successfully have a child after IF. -- Brigitte aa #2145 edd #3 February 15, 2004 http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/joshuaandkaterina/ "Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare." ~ Harriet Martineau |
#39
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A bit of a vent :-)
David desJardins wrote:
I've had people ask, "Do twins run in your family?" I've always taken this as ordinary curiosity. I don't think I've ever had a stranger ask, "Did you use fertility drugs?" That would seem a bit inappropriate for a total stranger. I would also be pretty surprised if a total stranger asked, "Why don't you have kids yet?" I've had all three questions but the last question was never from strangers. The last question was from acquaintances. That type of question always seemed to come at the worst possible time: just after a failed cycle. It doesn't just sting, it hurts like a son of a bitch. The emotional pain of IF is heart-wrenching and when an almost-stranger starts asking questions, you feel like ****. Just thought I would shed a bit more light on why some of the questions irritate so much after you successfully have a child after IF. -- Brigitte aa #2145 edd #3 February 15, 2004 http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/joshuaandkaterina/ "Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare." ~ Harriet Martineau |
#40
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A bit of a vent :-)
I also honestly don't understand why the question,
"Why don't you have kids yet?" would "sting", if the answer is, "We would like to but we haven't been able to conceive." BRBR Well.....since you asked.....It stings because by responding the way you suggest 9 times out of 10 leads to unsolicited advice such as, "Maybe you are trying to hard! or, You probably just need to take a vacation and relax!" Comments like those are just two examples of the sort of things I heard on a pretty regular basis during the 3 + years I was in the trying to conceive phase of my life. And yes, sometimes from strangers. By that I do not mean perfect strangers would come up to me on the street and ask why I was childless. But, I have had ssituations where casual conversation on cruise ships or, DR's waiting rooms and even waiting for the Walt Disney World bus started out as harmless friendly chitchat and led to unsolicited advice on how I could achieve my dream of motherhood. One moment someone is asking you if you are married and how long, the next they are asking if you have regular menstrual cycles. I don't recall ever having this kind of problem. That's why I wonder what the difference is: why does this sort of thing happen to other people, but not to me? BRBR Perhaps it is because you are a man. I will admit that most of the intrusions I have mentioned have come from other women. As far as I know, my DH has never had a total stranger ask him about his fertility status. It has been my experience as a female that women (in general) tend to be nosier then men and also seem to find some enjoyment in making one another feel inadequate. That is often the case right hear on these newsgroups. Hope that sheds some light on the matter. However, it is only MY opinion. I can't speak for everyone. Michelle Mommy to Riley Claire & James Michael |
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