Many families are choosing cozy celebrations at home over the big birthday blowout

Many families are choosing cozy celebrations at home over the big
birthday blowout
By Alison apRoberts - Bee Staff Writer

Published 12:00 am PDT Saturday, August 4, 2007
Story appeared in SCENE section, Page K2

http://www.sacbee.com/107/story/307164.html

Back in the old days when kids walked to school and back every day
(uphill both ways), birthday parties were simple affairs held at home.

Some cake and ice cream, a few friends, a round of pin the tail on the
donkey, and you had a fete accompli.

Now, birthday parties have become occasions to go all-out -- and out
of the house -- to amusement centers of one sort or another (Chuck E.
Cheese's, anyone?). If you do hold a child's celebration at home,
there are even more ways to take it over the top, from bounce houses
to ponies in the yard.

Still, some families are bucking the trend toward supersizing birthday
parties, keeping them low-tech and at home.

Bernadette O'Peka's recent eighth birthday party, for instance, was a
total throwback: at home in Folsom, no hired help, no generator, just
Mom, Dad, eight friends, pizza and ice-cream cake.

But the birthday girl didn't feel deprived.

"It's funner at people's homes," Bernadette says. "You can do anything
and have a theme."

This year, Bernadette picked a "Hannah Montana" theme, based on the
Disney channel show about a young teen who has a secret life as a pop
star. The décor included simple crepe-paper streamers, a helium
balloon tied to each guest's chair and "Hannah Montana" plates. Party
games included limbo, dressing up like pop stars and dancing around on
a "stage" (a sheet on the floor) and whacking a piñata filled with
candy and lip gloss. There was the opening of the presents (over in
about two minutes). For the guests, there were goodie boxes holding a
few pieces of jewelry.

The flushed cheeks, the giggling and the squealing throughout the
party, from 6 to 8:30 p.m., made it clear it was a smashing success.

"It seems like everyone goes out somewhere, but I guess I'm kind of
old-school," says Bernadette's mom, Cindy O'Peka. Kids, in her
experience, are happy with old-school entertainment.

"It's the dumb old games that they love the most," O'Peka says.

Even though this party is pretty low-key by today's standards, Frank
O'Peka, Bernadette's dad, does a little eye-rolling over the goings-
on.

"We didn't have parties; it was just the family and one present," he
says of his birthday parties as a kid.

But he knows it could be a lot worse and probably will be soon enough.

"I know it will get more extravagant and expensive," he says.

This party cost roughly $150, more than usual, Cindy O'Peka says, but
then she went a little "crazy on the paper goods this year."

According to Hallmark, birthday shopping is a $10 billion business in
this country; a hefty share of it is for kids celebrations.

But making too much of birthdays may be a bit like eating way too much
frosting. It can get a little sickening.

Some indicators of excess: "half-birthday cards" for those who feel
undercelebrated because their birthdays fall during the winter holiday
season; the trend of throwing elaborate parties for a child's first
birthday; the TV show "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV about birthday
celebrations that make most weddings look like amateur-hour
productions.

You can thank (or curse) modern marketing for these developments, says
Bill Doherty, an education and human development professor at the
University of Minnesota.

"I see this as (part of) the broader issue of the competitive consumer
culture of childhood," Doherty says. He got together with other
parents to start a "Birthdays Without Pressure" project and Web site,
launched earlier this year.

The Web site offers advice on deflating ballooning party trends,
including quizzes to rate your level of birthday-party pressure (you
get bonus points if you know "how to negotiate with professional
talent agents").

There seems to be a genuine yearning to light the candles on the cake
at home again. A survey last year by Kelton Research found that 64
percent of Americans would host kids' birthday parties at home, if
they weren't so messy. (The survey was commissioned by 3M, the makers
of Scotchgard stain-fighting products, which may explain the emphasis
on mess.) Among the appeals of home parties that survey respondents
cited were lower cost and the ability to personalize the event.

"Parents are saying they want to have at-home birthday parties; they
don't want to buy into the bigger-is-better and the franchise
parties," says Bobbi Conner, host of a syndicated radio show "The
Parents' Journal" and author of "Unplugged Play: No Batteries. No
Plugs. Pure Fun" (Workman, $16.95, 401 pages).

Conner says you can rest assured that entertainment does not have to
be electronic to work.

"If you assemble the props and then get out of the way, you'd be very
surprised; even the most high-tech kids really get into it," Conner
says. One simple example: Give every kid a fly swatter, blow up a few
balloons and let the volleyball tournament begin.

According to Doherty, today's kiddie birthday party is a relatively
recent phenomenon. Wealthy Americans started hosting birthday parties
for kids in the mid-19th century, adopting German tradition. But these
were parties with grown-up guests, rather than kids.

Parties at home with other kids rather than adults as the guests
became popular in the 1950s. During the '80s, the parties started
moving out of the house to bells-and-whistles entertainment venues.

Parental guilt may explain it in part.

"Guilt plays a factor for some parents -- mothers who feel like they
are not around their kids as much as they'd like, so they'll go all-
out," Doherty says. He adds that stay-at-home moms can feel pressured
to overdo the party because they see themselves as "having no
excuse" (such as a job outside the home) to skimp on party prep.

"The trap occurs for everybody," he says.

The escalation of birthday party standards, Doherty explains, is not
necessarily the result of any conscious competition but reflects our
social need to meet perceived norms of behavior.

One key to combating the trend is getting together with other parents
to talk about how to rein in the party beast. Parents who agree to
host small home birthday parties without elaborate entertainment or
gifts can set new standards in their communities.

Fighting back can save money and nerves, and it might protect children
from developing the egos of emperors.

"Every child is a treasure, but no child is the center of the
universe, and we are raising our children as if they are the center of
the universe," Doherty says.

But he also knows that combating the great expectations of birthday
boys and girls isn't easy.

"My grandson is now 2 1/2," Doherty says. "And his favorite song is
'Happy Birthday to You.' "

I've long felt that these party trends were a PITA. lol. I didn't buy
into it. Parties at my house was a special one at 10 and then at 13
and 16. The special ones consisted of PJ parties only, and at 10 a
trip to the brand new (back then) Chuck E Cheese's. Other than that,
it was just family. Heck, I didn't even get presents because my
birthday was always too close to Christmas and my Dad's next check
always came after my birthday. I always got the promise of something
that never came. lol. Anyway, with my kids, I was getting really sick
of invitation after invitation to party after party after party after
party in PRESCHOOL! I didn't throw parties for my kids in preschool.
Instead, when they hit kingergarten, it was explained that they could
choose -- they either get the big party with 1 or 2 gifts from mom and
dad or they could party with the family alone and have the party spent
on things we know they would like for certain. They also only get a
party every third year since we have 3 kids. We rotate and only 1 kid
per year gets a party option, and on the off years, they definitely
only get the family party - not even extended family - just mom, dad,
brothers and sisters.



On Aug 4, 2:15�pm, Ablang wrote:
Many families are choosing cozy celebrations at home over the big
birthday blowout
By Alison apRoberts - Bee Staff Writer

Published 12:00 am PDT Saturday, August 4, 2007
Story appeared in SCENE section, Page K2

http://www.sacbee.com/107/story/307164.html

Back in the old days when kids walked to school and back every day
(uphill both ways), birthday parties were simple affairs held at home.

Some cake and ice cream, a few friends, a round of pin the tail on the
donkey, and you had a fete accompli.

Now, birthday parties have become occasions to go all-out -- and out
of the house -- to amusement centers of one sort or another (Chuck E.
Cheese's, anyone?). If you do hold a child's celebration at home,
there are even more ways to take it over the top, from bounce houses
to ponies in the yard.

Still, some families are bucking the trend toward supersizing birthday
parties, keeping them low-tech and at home.

Bernadette O'Peka's recent eighth birthday party, for instance, was a
total throwback: at home in Folsom, no hired help, no generator, just
Mom, Dad, eight friends, pizza and ice-cream cake.

But the birthday girl didn't feel deprived.

"It's funner at people's homes," Bernadette says. "You can do anything
and have a theme."

This year, Bernadette picked a "Hannah Montana" theme, based on the
Disney channel show about a young teen who has a secret life as a pop
star. The décor included simple crepe-paper streamers, a helium
balloon tied to each guest's chair and "Hannah Montana" plates. Party
games included limbo, dressing up like pop stars and dancing around on
a "stage" (a sheet on the floor) and whacking a piñata filled with
candy and lip gloss. There was the opening of the presents (over in
about two minutes). For the guests, there were goodie boxes holding a
few pieces of jewelry.

The flushed cheeks, the giggling and the squealing throughout the
party, from 6 to 8:30 p.m., made it clear it was a smashing success.

"It seems like everyone goes out somewhere, but I guess I'm kind of
old-school," says Bernadette's mom, Cindy O'Peka. Kids, in her
experience, are happy with old-school entertainment.

"It's the dumb old games that they love the most," O'Peka says.

Even though this party is pretty low-key by today's standards, Frank
O'Peka, Bernadette's dad, does a little eye-rolling over the goings-
on.

"We didn't have parties; it was just the family and one present," he
says of his birthday parties as a kid.

But he knows it could be a lot worse and probably will be soon enough.

"I know it will get more extravagant and expensive," he says.

This party cost roughly $150, more than usual, Cindy O'Peka says, but
then she went a little "crazy on the paper goods this year."

According to Hallmark, birthday shopping is a $10 billion business in
this country; a hefty share of it is for kids celebrations.

But making too much of birthdays may be a bit like eating way too much
frosting. It can get a little sickening.

Some indicators of excess: "half-birthday cards" for those who feel
undercelebrated because their birthdays fall during the winter holiday
season; the trend of throwing elaborate parties for a child's first
birthday; the TV show "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV about birthday
celebrations that make most weddings look like amateur-hour
productions.

You can thank (or curse) modern marketing for these developments, says
Bill Doherty, an education and human development professor at the
University of Minnesota.

"I see this as (part of) the broader issue of the competitive consumer
culture of childhood," Doherty says. He got together with other
parents to start a "Birthdays Without Pressure" project and Web site,
launched earlier this year.

The Web site offers advice on deflating ballooning party trends,
including quizzes to rate your level of birthday-party pressure (you
get bonus points if you know "how to negotiate with professional
talent agents").

There seems to be a genuine yearning to light the candles on the cake
at home again. A survey last year by Kelton Research found that 64
percent of Americans would host kids' birthday parties at home, if
they weren't so messy. (The survey was commissioned by 3M, the makers
of Scotchgard stain-fighting products, which may explain the emphasis
on mess.) Among the appeals of home parties that survey respondents
cited were lower cost and the ability to personalize the event.

"Parents are saying they want to have at-home birthday parties; they
don't want to buy into the bigger-is-better and the franchise
parties," says Bobbi Conner, host of a syndicated radio show "The
Parents' Journal" and author of "Unplugged Play: No Batteries. No
Plugs. Pure Fun" (Workman, $16.95, 401 pages).

Conner says you can rest assured that entertainment does not have to
be electronic to work.

"If you assemble the props and then get out of the way, you'd be very
surprised; even the most high-tech kids really get into it," Conner
says. One simple example: Give every kid a fly swatter, blow up a few
balloons and let the volleyball tournament begin.

According to Doherty, today's kiddie birthday party is a relatively
recent phenomenon. Wealthy Americans started hosting birthday parties
for kids in the mid-19th century, adopting German tradition. But these
were parties with grown-up guests, rather than kids.

Parties at home with other kids rather than adults as the guests
became popular in the 1950s. During the '80s, the parties started
moving out of the house to bells-and-whistles entertainment venues.

Parental guilt may explain it in part.

"Guilt plays a factor for some parents -- mothers who feel like they
are not around their kids as much as they'd like, so they'll go all-
out," Doherty says. He adds that stay-at-home moms can feel pressured
to overdo the party because they see themselves as "having no
excuse" (such as a job outside the home) to skimp on party prep.

"The trap occurs for everybody," he says.

The escalation of birthday party standards, Doherty explains, is not
necessarily the result of any conscious competition but reflects our
social need to meet perceived norms of behavior.

One key to combating the trend is getting together with other parents
to talk about how to rein in the party beast. Parents who agree to
host small home birthday parties without elaborate entertainment or
gifts can set new standards in their communities.

Fighting back can save money and nerves, and it might protect children
from developing the egos of emperors.

"Every child is a treasure, but no child is the center of the
universe, and we are raising our children as if they are the center of
the universe," Doherty says.

But he also knows that combating the great expectations of birthday
boys and girls isn't easy.

"My grandson is now 2 1/2," Doherty says. "And his favorite song is
'Happy Birthday to You.' "

I'm mom of three, and live in a middle to upper middle class
neighbourhood - and holy cow, the birthday party thing has been
absolutely ridiculous. I have two sons and a daughter, and the boys
parties were bad enough (i.e. very expensive paintball and laser tag
stuff etc. etc.) but when it came to the girls I was unprepared - they
are a whole other plant than the boy parties. My daughter gets invited
to parties she has fun at, and then asks if she can have HER party at
the same place....I price it out and have a heart attack. Oh sure,
dear, I can afford $400 to have a party for a bunch of grade 4 girls.
Aiiieeee!! And the loot bags. Good LORD, the LOOT BAGS!!!! $5 a kid
would be a cheap one. My kids have come home with loot bags that were
more money than the present we took.

We've tended to have sleep overs, or control numbers (i.e. we can go
to the roller rink but you are taking 3 friends, going when its open
to everyone, and we are NOT renting the whole place). We're lucky
also in that we are walking distance to a multiplex movie theatre, so
a popular birthday thing has been to take a handful of kids to a
movie, and then walk back to our house for cake and chips.

Since our kids get invited to so many parties, I have tended to
stockpile presents by age and sex i.e. if I see something that is fun
and a great deal in the $10-15 range, that would be a good present for
one of our kid's age categories, I buy 3 or 4, and keep them in the
walk in closet. Then when a party invite comes, the kids go "shopping"
in the stockpile, rather than going to a toy store and having a big
fight with me about why they need to buy their friend something that
costs more than I can afford. An example has been really nice sterling
silver necklaces with inset crystals in various styles that a local
department store had on for $12 each. Those have been a HUGE hit, not
just for my daughter's friends, but for when my sons have been invited
to female friends parties.

Mary

Chris wrote:

Instead, when they hit kingergarten, it was explained that they could
choose -- they either get the big party with 1 or 2 gifts from mom and
dad or they could party with the family alone and have the party spent
on things we know they would like for certain.

I don't think the party rat races is necessary or desirable,
and I don't think that every kid must have a party every year (or
any year), but I don't understand why it's particularly virtuous
for kids to say, "spend the money on *meeeeee*, not on having a
fun time with my friends."
Personally, I think that it is a lovely, generous thing
to host one's friends to an enjoyable time. I think it teaches
a lot of planning and social skills (not to mention financial
skills to work within a budget). That doesn't mean that every
child must have parties, nor that "bigger is better" should be
the order of the day, but I don't see a darned thing wrong with
parties, per se.
We live in an area where people have a wide range of
economic means. Our kids have been to parties from the very
simple to the very elaborate. I always think that's a great
lesson in how to handle yourself with grace as a guest, appreciating
whatever hospitality was offered and being as grateful for
the lavish party as the simple one--goody bag or not. It teaches
them to thinking about gift-giving as something that's more
about knowing your friend well enough to choose something
that means something, rather than just going for the pricey
gift. It teaches them when hosting a party to be considerate
of their friends and think about how to entertain them without
going off the deep end. I think these are all good things for
children to learn.
Now, I don't always have the time, energy, or inclination
to do a big party every year for every child. So I don't--and
I don't feel a darned bit guilty about it. When it's fun to
plan a big party, we have fun and do it. When it's just more
stress, we don't. I don't begrudge others doing whatever parties
work for them, though I feel sorry for those who feel pressured
to do more than they can afford or more than they are interested
in doing (and I feel sorry for children who get sucked into
thinking that they have to throw big, expensive parties to be
cool).

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Aug 5, 7:53 pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Chris wrote:
Instead, when they hit kingergarten, it was explained that they could
choose -- they either get the big party with 1 or 2 gifts from mom and
dad or they could party with the family alone and have the party spent
on things we know they would like for certain.

I don't think the party rat races is necessary or desirable,
and I don't think that every kid must have a party every year (or
any year), but I don't understand why it's particularly virtuous
for kids to say, "spend the money on *meeeeee*, not on having a
fun time with my friends."

You make an excellent point here, Ericka. I've never really thought
of it that way!

Personally, I think that it is a lovely, generous thing
to host one's friends to an enjoyable time. I think it teaches
a lot of planning and social skills (not to mention financial
skills to work within a budget). That doesn't mean that every
child must have parties, nor that "bigger is better" should be
the order of the day, but I don't see a darned thing wrong with
parties, per se.
SNIP

I think that we have to recognize that another reason that children --
particularly young children -- often have bigger parties these days
than in generations past is that preschools and schools are
instituting rules about who must be invited to avoid the *one kid left
out* phenomenon, and that even without those rules, parents are
becoming more aware of that issue.

I was never Little Miss Popularity. Still, I remember being about 8
years old, and watching every other little girl on the street walking
down the street in a party dress, holding a gift for Nancy. I was the
only one not invited. There was no one for me to play with. I was
sad and hurt. Worse, they wound up playing outside, so I felt I had
to go *inside* because I couldn't just go over there and play with
them in the middle of their party! Honestly, would it have killed her
parents to have one more kid there?

I've tried to teach One (who really is Mr. Popularity; no idea where
that comes from!) not to do that. There have been years that's meant
having a lot more kids than I wanted at a party, because he doesn't
want to hurt someone's feelings. There have been other years we've
had no parties because I just couldn't handle 18-20 *I need to
invites*

You also have to recall that the growth of *party place parties*
coincides with the increase in working moms. A lot of parents would
rather pay through the nose for a blow-out two hour party with no post-
party clean up than have to spend hours digging cake out of carpet.
We did a paint-a-tee-shirt party for One when he turned 4. When the
last kid left, I swore we would never host another birthday party at
home again. One is now 10, and except for this year's *Accidental
Birthday Party* (one kid was supposed to sleep over the night of Purim
after the megillah reading, but we somehow managed to pick up 4 extra
kids on the way home), we've kept to that rule. It means I've enjoyed
One's parties, and therefore has been truly worth it.

Barbara

"Barbara" wrote in message
ups.com...
You also have to recall that the growth of *party place parties*
coincides with the increase in working moms. A lot of parents would
rather pay through the nose for a blow-out two hour party with no post-
party clean up than have to spend hours digging cake out of carpet.

I never hold a party at home. I just don't like having a lot of people in
my house. Besides that, I'm something of a perfectionist and the thought of
having people come over stresses me out big time...the last time I had any
amount of company, I whipped myself into a frenzy and spend two weeks
cleaning the house top to bottom and was so stressed out and exhausted that
I did not enjoy our event AT ALL (did I REALLY have to organize the boxes in
the basement so that my neighbors could come over for drinks the week before
Christmas?...well of course not, but in my twisted mind...)

So for a lot of us, having the party at a party place is MUCH easier (and
less stressful and less exhausting) than having a party at home.

Barbara wrote:

I think that we have to recognize that another reason that children --
particularly young children -- often have bigger parties these days
than in generations past is that preschools and schools are
instituting rules about who must be invited to avoid the *one kid left
out* phenomenon, and that even without those rules, parents are
becoming more aware of that issue.

I waffle on that one a bit. My policy is that if you're
inviting *almost* everyone in a group, then you'd probably better
invite everyone or else be incredibly discreet. We've had an
issue at the dance studio with that sort of thing lately, and
that's basically the rule they implemented. Our schools' rules
have only been that you have to invite everyone if you're doing
it at school or if you're involving school in some way (handing
out invitations at school, etc.). I do think sensitivity at
school is warranted, just as it is for adults at work or other
activities. While everyone has the right to invite whom they
please to their events, they are foolish if they, e.g., invite
all their co-workers except one or two to a party ;-)

I've tried to teach One (who really is Mr. Popularity; no idea where
that comes from!) not to do that. There have been years that's meant
having a lot more kids than I wanted at a party, because he doesn't
want to hurt someone's feelings. There have been other years we've
had no parties because I just couldn't handle 18-20 *I need to
invites*

The good news is that it's really only a few years where
this is an issue. It seems like they move fairly quickly to
inviting only the friends whom they see on a regular basis,
rather than almost the whole class.

You also have to recall that the growth of *party place parties*
coincides with the increase in working moms. A lot of parents would
rather pay through the nose for a blow-out two hour party with no post-
party clean up than have to spend hours digging cake out of carpet.
We did a paint-a-tee-shirt party for One when he turned 4. When the
last kid left, I swore we would never host another birthday party at
home again. One is now 10, and except for this year's *Accidental
Birthday Party* (one kid was supposed to sleep over the night of Purim
after the megillah reading, but we somehow managed to pick up 4 extra
kids on the way home), we've kept to that rule. It means I've enjoyed
One's parties, and therefore has been truly worth it.

I have a certain degree of sympathy for that!
Some people have huge homes designed for parties. Ours isn't
the best setup for kids' parties, so we rarely do things here
for larger groups of kids. Plus, some of the activities are
fun! Why not do them? I don't think there's anything particularly
virtuous about certain party locations. Whatever works for
the family is fine by me. I've noticed that it seems like the
girls do all sorts of different types of parties at the elementary
school level, but the boys all tend to gravitate towards certain
kinds of parties. It was laser tag for a few years, and now
seems to be moving towards the sports complex. I've never
noticed anyone complaining about parties that are somewhere
else, though. And, while goody bags are popular, I've also
never heard any kids complaining when there isn't a goody bag
or when the goody back is smaller. My theory is that the kids
don't really give a rip--they just want to have fun with their
friends. It's the parents who think they have to compete with
the Joneses. (I'm sure there are some kids who are that way,
but I don't seem to have run into hardly any of them, even in
this area where a lot of kids come from very affluent families.)
I hear that it gets worse at some schools around here when it
comes to high school, though--mostly at the schools where the
strong majority of the kids are quite rich.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article . com, Barbara
says...

On Aug 5, 7:53 pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Chris wrote:
Instead, when they hit kingergarten, it was explained that they could
choose -- they either get the big party with 1 or 2 gifts from mom and
dad or they could party with the family alone and have the party spent
on things we know they would like for certain.

I don't think the party rat races is necessary or desirable,
and I don't think that every kid must have a party every year (or
any year), but I don't understand why it's particularly virtuous
for kids to say, "spend the money on *meeeeee*, not on having a
fun time with my friends."

You make an excellent point here, Ericka. I've never really thought
of it that way!

Personally, I think that it is a lovely, generous thing
to host one's friends to an enjoyable time. I think it teaches
a lot of planning and social skills (not to mention financial
skills to work within a budget). That doesn't mean that every
child must have parties, nor that "bigger is better" should be
the order of the day, but I don't see a darned thing wrong with
parties, per se.
SNIP

I think that we have to recognize that another reason that children --
particularly young children -- often have bigger parties these days
than in generations past is that preschools and schools are
instituting rules about who must be invited to avoid the *one kid left
out* phenomenon, and that even without those rules, parents are
becoming more aware of that issue.

I was never Little Miss Popularity. Still, I remember being about 8
years old, and watching every other little girl on the street walking
down the street in a party dress, holding a gift for Nancy. I was the
only one not invited. There was no one for me to play with. I was
sad and hurt. Worse, they wound up playing outside, so I felt I had
to go *inside* because I couldn't just go over there and play with
them in the middle of their party!

That's awful, and I know how it feels, and how it made it kinda encumbent on me
to find somewhere to disappear to :-(

Honestly, would it have killed her
parents to have one more kid there?


Well, it's not just about what mommy and daddy are paying for. It's also about
whom the child wants to have at the party. Kids have social lives and people
preferences just like adults have. The school rules IME really have more to do
with passing around party invitations *at the school*. If invites are passed
around there, then, yes, it's rude to have invitations passed around under the
noses of kids not invited. The schools really can't (and darn well shouldn't)
get into what you do in your own private social lives, and that includes how you
set up kid birthday parties.

Now, when there's *one* kid left out; yes, there's a problem. That's something
well worth building in sensitivity about. When my son had birthday parties,
past about first grade I let him decide whom to invite. But I did not let him
invite his entire Cub Scout den except the boy with Aspergers. Active obvious
exclusion like that isn't something to be tolerated without really good reason.

But, frankly, it *did* lead to some awkwardness at the party. The kids can't
cut up the way they'd like when there's an odd fit there. And I had to be a
little on top of how they treated the boy at the party. It makes for a
different party. You might think it mean my saying so, but there *is* a
difference between how much fun a small set of kids that really relate well can
have, and one where everyone has to watch what they do and say because someone
who doesn't fit in is there.

Think of some workplace colleague or neighbor you don't like much, but put up
with for good overall relations, but are relieved when you don't have to deal
with them. Now think if some big authority required you to invite that person
to a BBQ party you're having. Well, that feeling goes at least double for kids,
who have such strong undamped feelings. Not saying active exclusion singling
someone out is a good thing, just trying to get people to understand how this
feels from the birthday kid's POV.

I've tried to teach One (who really is Mr. Popularity; no idea where
that comes from!) not to do that. There have been years that's meant
having a lot more kids than I wanted at a party, because he doesn't
want to hurt someone's feelings. There have been other years we've
had no parties because I just couldn't handle 18-20 *I need to
invites*

Well, OK, I think the problem here is that you've gone the other end. A very
workable, and usual (think adult dinner parties) options is to set the number
whom your daughter can invite (give or take one or two), and have her invite the
few whom she really wants to invite. Keeping an eye out for actual active
exclusion so there's no actual singling out. If you're having "a lot more kids
than (you) wanted", then it's more a matter of wanting to please everybody
rather than preventing hurtful exclusion. You really don't have to please
everybody. Anymore than you have to have your entire neighborhood over for a
dinner party just because you have one neighbor, say, and a couple from work at
a dinner party. Going smaller really is a better answer.


You also have to recall that the growth of *party place parties*
coincides with the increase in working moms. A lot of parents would
rather pay through the nose for a blow-out two hour party with no post-
party clean up than have to spend hours digging cake out of carpet.
We did a paint-a-tee-shirt party for One when he turned 4. When the
last kid left, I swore we would never host another birthday party at
home again. One is now 10, and except for this year's *Accidental
Birthday Party* (one kid was supposed to sleep over the night of Purim
after the megillah reading, but we somehow managed to pick up 4 extra
kids on the way home), we've kept to that rule. It means I've enjoyed
One's parties, and therefore has been truly worth it.


Yes, I think it's true that the party places are a boon to working parents
(don't I know!). But I do think the expectations have been ratcheted up
unnecessarily by them, too.

Banty

Banty wrote:

Yes, I think it's true that the party places are a boon to working parents
(don't I know!). But I do think the expectations have been ratcheted up
unnecessarily by them, too.

Eh, I think there's a little revisionist history going
on with that. Sure, there may now be the cool party place to
go to, but it's not like it was all more egalitarian before.
The kid with the pool and the warm weather birthday had it
better than the kid with the apartment and a February birthday,
even then. There were families who brought in the ponies or
magicians or what-have-you to their homes. Things never were,
and never will be, "equal." Anyone who's minded to escalate can
and will. However, the person who really takes their guests'
enjoyment into consideration will always create the better
party, regardless of where it's held or how much money is
spent ;-) (Okay, okay, the considerate person with the unlimited
budget really does have an edge, but still...that's where one
just has to understand it's not a competition ;-) )

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

Banty wrote:

Yes, I think it's true that the party places are a boon to working parents
(don't I know!). But I do think the expectations have been ratcheted up
unnecessarily by them, too.

Eh, I think there's a little revisionist history going
on with that.

And the domino theory was bunk, too!! Thailand is not communist just because
Vietnam is!!! ;-)

Sure, there may now be the cool party place to
go to, but it's not like it was all more egalitarian before.
The kid with the pool and the warm weather birthday had it
better than the kid with the apartment and a February birthday,
even then. There were families who brought in the ponies or
magicians or what-have-you to their homes. Things never were,
and never will be, "equal." Anyone who's minded to escalate can
and will. However, the person who really takes their guests'
enjoyment into consideration will always create the better
party, regardless of where it's held or how much money is
spent ;-) (Okay, okay, the considerate person with the unlimited
budget really does have an edge, but still...that's where one
just has to understand it's not a competition ;-) )

Well, yeah, of course there always has been some of that. Heck, some parents
are just more *fun*. (Not me when it comes to parties!) But I think that, with
the Chuck-ee-cheese party lever there to just pull, the temptation gets large to
do that. A cake and pin the tail on the donkey now stands out in plain-ness
compared to the parties kids went to the week before, and the week before that..

When my son was in fourth or fifth grade, I got off the birthday wagon
completely for all but one year, going on birthday trips with him instead.

Now that he's a teen, he just as happily will go to a movie with a friend and
hit the local arcade. Yay.

Banty (thank your favorite diety he's a boy and not expecting a Sweet 16, Mom
just isn't a party person!)