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#21
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In article .com,
"Tomwaters" wrote: Wife might have some depression since she sometimes would say "I wished we never had any kids and her life is now miserable". *Might* have some depression? I'd say she definately does. This comment makes me feel pretty confident that your wife should be seeing a therapist, someone who can evaluate the level of depression and figure out what to do about it. -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#22
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"Tomwaters" wrote in message
oups.com... Wife might have some depression since she sometimes would say "I wished we never had any kids and her life is now miserable". You need to get your wife to her OB or primary care provider for an evaluation ASAP. This sounds like a very likely symptom of post-partum depression to me and that should be looked into immediately. -- Be well, Barbara Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3) I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan) |
#23
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wrote in message oups.com... I am having some trouble with my wife. This initial phrase quite put me off of your post. You aren't really having trouble with your wife, but the fact that you characterize it this way puts my back up. Lately my older son has been whinning and crying. He does this with her, but not as much with me. It's driving my wife nuts It would drive me nuts too. And the fact that you apparently think it is her failure that leads him to behave that way increases my distaste for your POV. she wants to sent him to day care part time. She wants to enroll him in a pre school from 9am to 3pm, 5 days a week. It costs about $500 a month. She says it will be good for him because he is bore at home and This sounds like it is money that is your primary concern here, and not your wife or your older son. Another black mark for you. However, I don't think a child that age needs pre-school, and especially not for that long. The fact that she says that he is a bore at home sounds like she's at her wits end with him, and having him behave better for you is probably not helping. it will teach him how to behave. My opinion is that my wife needs to teach or discipline him so that she can manage the day taking care of the baby and him without all the whinning and tantrums. I really don't want a day care worker to teach my son how to behave, I think it's the parent's job. So it is. But it can be the day care provider's job too. I quite agree with everyone who says your wife needs a break, but maybe also both of you need an attitude adjustment. You in your attitude toward what your wife should be able to do, and your wife in her attitude toward the older child. grandma Rosalie |
#24
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Tomwaters wrote:
That's probably true. I don't know if she can get him to change his behavior, but I just think she should spend more effort on stopping bad behavior rather than daycare. We must have gone to five or six daycare places and call the children we saw were all in control. But you know, a bunch of those kids go home and get *out* of control when they're home. You can't always tell how kids are in one environment by looking at them in another. At school, those kids aren't in competition with their siblings for the attention of their primary caregiver. That makes a world of difference. That's not to say that your wife couldn't find more successful ways to deal with the toddler's jealousy, but it's not an easy or simple problem--and it's one that is the most difficult to handle when you *are* the primary caregiver. When I'm taking care of both kids by myself and the older one wants me to play with him and I can't, he also starts to whine. But the difference is when I raise the tone of my voice and say "Daddy can't play with you because daddy have to take care of Timmy" and I suggest he look at some books or toys, he usually stops. But again, you're not the primary caregiver. You haven't been stolen from him in the same way that his mother has. He's always shared you with work and with his mother, but his perception is likely that before, he had his mother largely to himself. Best wishes, Ericka |
#25
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Louise wrote:
I also can't comment on whether your expectations for being able to reduce the "whining and tantrums" of a 19mo by teaching or discipline are at all age-appropriate.**One*benefit*of*exposure*to*a*day-care environment is that you and your wife would learn from the teachers and the other parents about how other young toddlers behave and about how their behaviour can be managed. It's worth noting that some 19mos enter the "terrible twos", and start to tantrum without having a new sibling. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#26
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Nikki wrote: wrote: . Second, if the child is having a hard time because he is adjusting to having a new baby and less mommy time....sending him to daycare isn't going to fix that. Getting him some onene relaxed mommy time on a regular basis would go a lot further. You are right -- I forgot about the 19 month old behavior issue. My kids were further apart, but when my then 3.5 year old was having some behavior problems, but mother (who watches them while I work part time) really tried to push me to put the baby in day care part time rather than the older one because the baby wouldn't notice so much and the older one needed 1-1 mommy or grandma time and some time away from the baby. I didn't do it -- I couldn't see putting my then 4 month old in day care when it wasn't necessary. A two month old would be even harder. I think it is a valid perspective though. If the OP's wife could pump some and hire a sitter to watch the baby for an hour or two occasionally, she could focus energy on the older one. This will feel like a break to her, and would help the older one a lot. Jan |
#27
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Tomwaters wrote: I don't want to send the child to daycare for that reason because I think it's too early. Aside from the different view point about whether it's good for him or not, I just don't think we can afford it on a permanent basis, especially if both kids go to day care from toddler to kindergarden. Different kids are different. One of mine was dead keen to go to preschool from 19 months and it was great. The other was less interested. I really thought my older one benefited from being with other kids at that age. Maybe yours would, too. Affordability is a different issue, and I guess it depends to some extent on your priorities. You might want to talk it over with your wife and figure how you can work it. I would personally really worry about over-ruling a primary caregiver on this issue. Rupa |
#28
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I'm going to be uncharacteristically brief (google me to see how
long-winded I can be!). It doesn't matter why she says or thinks she needs relief -- she needs relief. It sounds to me like she's feeling kind of desperate, and I think when our spouses reach that point it's usually best to let them go with what they think will help. Can you afford $1500 for a three-month experiment with the daycare? You'll all have clearer heads after a break, and a good preschool (one that is accredited or certified -- Montessori would certainly qualifiy in my book) is a good alternative. If she does have PDD, she may not be able to even realize or admit it until she gets some ongoing relief and realizes the reason for her feelings are internal rather than external. Let her have her way on this, for now, in order to help her sort out whether there is more to it. |
#29
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#30
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Tai wrote: What about the cost of hiring a regular babysitter to come in and take your oldest boy out for a couple of hours? Hmm, I dunno, Tai. When DD2 was born, the grandparents were all very well-intentioned, attempting to take DD1 off my hands so I could concentrate on the baby. All it did was make DD1 (then also only 19 months old) very, very anxious and needy for her mother! I found this rivarly/needy stage went very quickly once I adopted a few practices: 1) I always made room for DD1 to sit on my other knee while nursing DD2 (yes, it was awkward and a squish, but this only lasted maybe a week before she felt secure enough to move to a position on the floor of our nursing chair). 2) Instead of having grandparents take DD1 off my hands, I handed over the baby to them. They were thrilled to have the baby all to themselves for an hour, while I got to take DD1 out for special one-on-one mommy time. 3) Recruit everyone's help to clear all the housekeeping tasks off my plate, so I could have more energy leftover to deal with both children's needs at the same time. I do agree they might consider hiring a sitter, but I'd have the sitter either help out with all the housekeeping, or take the baby off mom's hands, instead of taking the 19 month old away from mommy. If he's whining, he's feeling needy. Better to address that need with lots of reassurance and cuddles. jen |
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