Thoughts on impending loss

Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
#2 EDD 7/19/04