calm before the storm?

I'm not so sure anyone is gonna be able to help much..........it gets hard
sometimes, like a dark cloud that hangs over our heads. I dared to try to be
happy. I know why part of me is restless today and maybe I can see some light
later... maybe tomorrow.........
When my daughter got pregnant I had to do a lot of soul searching , I
had to consider many thoughts that flooded my brain. S had had severe problems
emotionally , I believe caused by G's death, I was not sure S could be a good
mom to this baby,I looked at how her behavior had gotten "normal teenage" and
how far she had come and changed since the first year that we learned to cope
with a death that so changed our complete existence. I know she wants to be a
good mom but wanting to be may not be enough. I am not saying she is being a
bad mom but things are not looking very good at the moment. More and more I see
her pushing for more time away from the baby than with. She has also started
cutting again. Now what do I say when it is not me she is asking to tend to the
baby. She has the boyfriend take full responsibility when he is here and he is
here a lot. There are days she goes to school and he is here till the babies
bedtime that she litterally does nothing ( not even pay attention to the baby).
This is constant that she tends to the baby maybe 3-4 hours and if the baby
sleeps time spent is even less. The weekends the baby is home or "her weekends"
she has lately been calling her b/f's mom and asking her if she wants to take
her and it ends up over night many times which means the entire next day the
baby is gone as well. Now going to school limits her time with the baby as it
is. She just got her butt suspended from school for two days for verbally
abusing a teacher who she claims made a comment about "not seeing how she could
be a good mother" behaving as she does. I have an appt. tues. with the
principle who said he is checking into disorderly conduct charges, mind you if
this happens there is a good chance my daughter will be put in juvenile
detention because of her past in the legal system she just came off probation a
year ago for charges of assualting a teacher ( she had an episode of rage and
during restraint the teacher got hurt)
and pressed charges. I made the decision to support her keeping this baby
because of fear ........fear any more loss would put my daughter over the edge
and my fear of loss took over. Her behavior was 99.9% changed for a year and I
believed in my heart she would handle this. With our support she would be o.k.
She has threatened to end her life because I grounded her to the house and yard
until wed. when she goes back to school.I have to get her in for counsiling
again(we were taking a break) .............guess I've made another friggen
mistake.
Besides rambling a little off the top to ease some of the pressure building in
my head I feel no better, I am so so tired of trying to make good decisions and
failing.
My oldest has run into a major wall emotionally, I am sure it is the stress of
school, she has pushed her graduation farther for the third time, holding down
a
job to support herself and she says cause she pushed her graduation her aunt
is no longer obligated to pay her rent which was the agreement they made 3
years ago . I send what I can a few hundred a month if that sometimes, like
this month the radiator blew that.She is saying crap like "I am worthless"
"what made me think I could be somebody" and I know she is stressed and
probably depressed (she was on an anti depressant med a feww years back) she is
3000 miles away from me, just a kid of 22, Oh yeah they think they are grown
ups but *WE* know don't we ? I say come home and take a break, even live home
and go to the art institute in Philly an hour or so commute.............no she
doesn't want to leave her friends and she likes it in California.....argh
nothing mommy can do to make it better and that kills me..............I wanted
to move out there ya know to be closer and to be able to help her more, her dad
doesn't do more than he has to.I have a 16 yr old with a baby (I know don't say
it) that sounds suicidal , a 22 yr old 3000 miles away sounding suicidal and I
am torn right down the middle, I just don't know anymore which direction to run
and if I hide will they find me ? I would give my life for my children, but
somedays........................

You don't mention how old the baby is......

My best suggestion, If the baby is less than 2, put her up for adoption. Your
daughter has shown that the fantasy has disappated and the reality is too much
for her. If she were to go to JD (Jail) the child would be floating between
caregivers the whole time. THE CHILD NEEDS Stability. you or the father or
HIS MOM will wind up taking on the parenting.... If you aren't willing to do
that, then the child needs to go to someone who is....



Just my 2 cents.........
Christine

"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...
You don't mention how old the baby is......

My best suggestion, If the baby is less than 2, put her up for adoption.
Your
daughter has shown that the fantasy has disappated and the reality is
too much
for her. If she were to go to JD (Jail) the child would be floating
between
caregivers the whole time. THE CHILD NEEDS Stability. you or the
father or
HIS MOM will wind up taking on the parenting.... If you aren't willing
to do
that, then the child needs to go to someone who is....



Just my 2 cents.........
Christine


It is not her or the mother's sole choice. With the father involved he
would have to agree as well, or could sue for full custody, with the mother
than responsible for paying CS. With the paternal grandparent(s) involved,
that may be the best scenario for the child

Subject: calm before the storm?
From: unya (Purchgdss)
Date: 4/18/2004 9:23 AM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id:

You don't mention how old the baby is......

Jaime is 4 months old


My best suggestion, If the baby is less than 2, put her up for adoption.

Why less than two?

Your
daughter has shown that the fantasy has disappated and the reality is too
much
for her.

but do I want to teach her it is o.k. to do this to her own child? That she can
throw away a child like a toy that she has lost interest in ? You may be
right, but I am holding this kid to her choices, I never turned my back on her
and she will learn to stand up to her own responsibility. Wake up baby ! this
was your decision, reality has a name... Jaime-Gayle........

If she were to go to JD (Jail) the child would be floating between
caregivers the whole time. THE CHILD NEEDS Stability. you or the father or
HIS MOM will wind up taking on the parenting.... If you aren't willing to do
that, then the child needs to go to someone who is....


I know you mean well by suggesting adoption.......I know it is there........We
considered it.......it is too late now , I am hooked, I love my granddaughter
and if my daughter can not do this I can and I will. I thought about this as
well "what if" and talked it over with my partner...we discussed abortion,
adoption ,and the end result was to take care of my daughters child should my
daughter not be able to at this time. My daughter and her boyfriend were the
main part of this decision, they were determined to have this baby and I
certainly did not want them to run away feeling unsupported. She got pregnant
for all the wrong reasons I am sure , she was replacing an emptiness , and she
is struggling but there are many reasons for the struggle, I don't think she
does not want the baby, I need to get her back into counsiling and have the
"why" looked at.Yes I am willing to care for my granddaughter, Untill my
daughter is ready or not .


Just my 2 cents.........

your 2 cents is appreciated, thank you
Bev

Christine

"Paul Fritz" wrote in message
...

"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...
You don't mention how old the baby is......

My best suggestion, If the baby is less than 2, put her up for
adoption.
Your
daughter has shown that the fantasy has disappated and the reality is
too much
for her. If she were to go to JD (Jail) the child would be floating
between
caregivers the whole time. THE CHILD NEEDS Stability. you or the
father or
HIS MOM will wind up taking on the parenting.... If you aren't
willing
to do
that, then the child needs to go to someone who is....



Just my 2 cents.........
Christine


It is not her or the mother's sole choice. With the father involved he
would have to agree as well, or could sue for full custody, with the
mother
than responsible for paying CS. With the paternal grandparent(s) involved,
that may be the best scenario for the child




Well, lets hope that no decision that major would be made with out
consulting the father. As young as he is, he seems to be taking way more
responsibility then the mother. I just think if an adoption would have taken
place, it would have been far easier at birth. But you are correct, it seems
better for the baby to be with paternal grandparents, if they are able.

T

My best suggestion, If the baby is less than 2, put her up for adoption.

I have to say, this sounds like the best option for the baby. This is a
terrible situation for the child to grow up in.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

With the father involved he
would have to agree as well, or could sue for full custody, with the mother
than responsible for paying CS.

I have a feeling though, if the option is only HIM taking care of the baby, he
may find adoption a bit more attractive.

With the paternal grandparent(s) involved,
that may be the best scenario for the child


I thought the first problem presented was that parental grandparents were NOT
interested in the baby.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

but do I want to teach her it is o.k. to do this to her own child? That she
can
throw away a child like a toy that she has lost interest in

do you realize how many people you have just insulted with that understanding
of adoption. Giving the baby up for adoption is the most unselfish,
responsible, loving thing your daughter and her boyfriend can do for that baby.
You don't make her take care of her baby to punish her or teach her a lesson.
She's a child. She's not capable of raising a child. Admitting that and
letting an adult give that child a future is not a bad thing.

.We
considered it.......it is too late now , I am hooked, I love my
granddaughter

It's not too late. Stop thinking of yourself and how much you will miss the
baby. Look at what a mess that baby is in. You cannot take care of that baby
yourself, because your daughter, her mother and her messed up life is always
going to be interfering and screwing with the child.

I don't sense that you have thought about this in terms of the baby at all.
All you've thought about is your daughter, teaching your daughter a lesson,
supporting your daughter, yourself, your partner, what you want, what you love,
how you feel.

Step back from all that and think of what is best for that baby.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

"Joelle" wrote in message
...
but do I want to teach her it is o.k. to do this to her own child? That
she
can
throw away a child like a toy that she has lost interest in

do you realize how many people you have just insulted with that
understanding
of adoption. Giving the baby up for adoption is the most unselfish,
responsible, loving thing your daughter and her boyfriend can do for
that baby.
You don't make her take care of her baby to punish her or teach her a
lesson.
She's a child. She's not capable of raising a child. Admitting that
and
letting an adult give that child a future is not a bad thing.


I could not agree more.

If she were to go to JD (Jail) the child would be floating
between
caregivers the whole time. THE CHILD NEEDS Stability. you or the
father or
HIS MOM will wind up taking on the parenting.... If you aren't willing
to do
that, then the child needs to go to someone who is....

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine


It is not her or the mother's sole choice. With the father involved he
would have to agree as well, or could sue for full custody, with the mother
than responsible for paying CS. With the paternal grandparent(s) involved,
that may be the best scenario for the child

I'm sorry. I thought that was implied by mentioning the father or paternal
grandparents. Obviously that would be more ideal, but not always feasible or
would they be willing.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine