To punish or not to punish

Here is the situation:

daughter is at friends house today. Parents took my daughter, their 2
daughters and the oldest daughter's boyfriend to the movies. They were going
to shop around after the movie so parent were picking them up 45 minutes
after movie is over. Father shows up early though. Father follows them as
they go to the back of the theater where there is seclusion and woods.
Father watches for a bit as the boy, oldest daughter and my daughters friend
take some hits off a pipe. (They were smoking pot) My daughter's friend only
took a hit to 'try it' but the others were definitely into smoking it. My
daughter said no...... didn't do it. Father backs it up and best friend
backed up the story plus my daughter swears on her father's grave. To much
time passed for me to be able to tell if she was high. Her eyes were glassy
but everyone had been crying. I might go buy a drug test just in case.......
just to make sure. Otherwise I have to assume she made a good decision in
not smoking. What I am not happy about is that she followed them back into
the edge of the woods. Her and her friend both say they didn't know why the
sister and boyfriend wanted them to go back. I told S that you don't trust
anyone and ever just follow someone somewhere unsafe.

So my issue is to punish her for putting herself in that situation where she
could have gotten hurt or gotten in legal trouble.

Help! I am sitting on this..... truly don't know what to do. I do want to
run a drug test and did tell her that is a possibility.

T

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...
Here is the situation:

daughter is at friends house today. Parents took my daughter, their 2
daughters and the oldest daughter's boyfriend to the movies. They were going
to shop around after the movie so parent were picking them up 45 minutes
after movie is over. Father shows up early though. Father follows them as
they go to the back of the theater where there is seclusion and woods.
Father watches for a bit as the boy, oldest daughter and my daughters friend
take some hits off a pipe. (They were smoking pot) My daughter's friend only
took a hit to 'try it' but the others were definitely into smoking it. My
daughter said no...... didn't do it. Father backs it up and best friend
backed up the story plus my daughter swears on her father's grave. To much
time passed for me to be able to tell if she was high. Her eyes were glassy
but everyone had been crying. I might go buy a drug test just in case.......
just to make sure. Otherwise I have to assume she made a good decision in
not smoking. What I am not happy about is that she followed them back into
the edge of the woods. Her and her friend both say they didn't know why the
sister and boyfriend wanted them to go back. I told S that you don't trust
anyone and ever just follow someone somewhere unsafe.

So my issue is to punish her for putting herself in that situation where she
could have gotten hurt or gotten in legal trouble.

Help! I am sitting on this..... truly don't know what to do. I do want to
run a drug test and did tell her that is a possibility.

Speaking as the mother of a teenager daughter, the the former stepmother of
(former) teenagers, I'm not sure that punishment is even part of the pictu

1. Rather than going off alone, which would have been substantially less safe
then staying as part of a group, she stayed with the friends with whom she was
supposed to be staying.
2. Witnesses all corroborate that she did not do drugs

She made the right decisions, and it seems that you want to punish her anyway,
as well as giving her the message that you don't trust her, her friends, or the
friend's father by forcing her to submit to a drug test.

What sort of message do you think you're sending? The one I'm receiving, after
reading you post is that

1. You don't trust her
2. You don't trust her friends
3. You don't trust her friend's parents
4. Despite all evidence, you think she's a liar, as are her friends and her
friend's parents.

I can just imagine how my daughter would react - and I wouldn't blame her.

(just my 2 cents)


T

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...
Here is the situation:

daughter is at friends house today. Parents took my daughter, their 2
daughters and the oldest daughter's boyfriend to the movies. They were
going
to shop around after the movie so parent were picking them up 45 minutes
after movie is over. Father shows up early though. Father follows them as
they go to the back of the theater where there is seclusion and woods.
Father watches for a bit as the boy, oldest daughter and my daughters
friend
take some hits off a pipe. (They were smoking pot) My daughter's friend
only
took a hit to 'try it' but the others were definitely into smoking it. My
daughter said no...... didn't do it. Father backs it up and best friend
backed up the story plus my daughter swears on her father's grave. To
much
time passed for me to be able to tell if she was high. Her eyes were
glassy
but everyone had been crying. I might go buy a drug test just in
case.......
just to make sure. Otherwise I have to assume she made a good decision in
not smoking. What I am not happy about is that she followed them back
into
the edge of the woods. Her and her friend both say they didn't know why
the
sister and boyfriend wanted them to go back. I told S that you don't
trust
anyone and ever just follow someone somewhere unsafe.

So my issue is to punish her for putting herself in that situation where
she
could have gotten hurt or gotten in legal trouble.

Help! I am sitting on this..... truly don't know what to do. I do want to
run a drug test and did tell her that is a possibility.

Speaking as the mother of a teenager daughter, the the former stepmother
of
(former) teenagers, I'm not sure that punishment is even part of the
pictu

1. Rather than going off alone, which would have been substantially less
safe
then staying as part of a group, she stayed with the friends with whom she
was
supposed to be staying.
2. Witnesses all corroborate that she did not do drugs

She made the right decisions, and it seems that you want to punish her
anyway,
as well as giving her the message that you don't trust her, her friends,
or the
friend's father by forcing her to submit to a drug test.

What sort of message do you think you're sending? The one I'm receiving,
after
reading you post is that

1. You don't trust her
2. You don't trust her friends
3. You don't trust her friend's parents
4. Despite all evidence, you think she's a liar, as are her friends and
her
friend's parents.

I can just imagine how my daughter would react - and I wouldn't blame her.

(just my 2 cents)


T

Speaking as a 'recent teenager' myself, and being one who has definitely
been in similar situations, I say both Moon and 'Kate have the same ideas as
I do. The way you have said things, I wouldn't doubt that S is very
trusting of you right now, not that I'm saying she is or isn't. This is
obviously a situation that might tear at her, since she may have felt
trapped. Should she have stayed with the group of friends that she was
supposed to or should she have wandered off? Would she have gotten into
more trouble if she strayed from the group she was to be with or if she
stayed with them.
Being a teenager is still fresh in my mind. Heck, it was just less than 3
years ago that I was one of them myself. Trust your daughter. Her friends
have said she didn't join in anything more than staying with them. Take
everyone's word for it and trust them. Don't continue to be suspicious of
her, and even if you are and can't help it, which is understandable, don't
let her know it. What have her friends to gain by lying? It not like they
would get into more or less trouble by lying for her.
Don't threaten with a drug test, maybe try and let her know that although
you may disapprove her hanging around those friends at the time, praise her
and tell her you're proud of her for making the right decision to not wander
off alone AND not to smoke pot with them. Hammer the idea into her head
that you're proud of her for making the best decision she could have in the
situation she might feel she was cornered into. Be glad that the dad of her
friends was honest with you and actually told you. Believe it or not,
there's parents out there who might not have even said anything if they saw
it. In situations like this, it's hard for the parents and hard for the
kids.
You're just trying to deal with it the best way you can, and I honestly
don't see a reason that you should punish her. Maybe let her know that if
she finds herself in a similar situation ever again with the same friends or
even different ones, that she could always pick up a payphone and call you
rather than find herself in the same spot again, because, as a teenager,
it's always going to be hard to make the right decision and actually feel
it's the right decision, but in the case, as a teenager, I think she really
did make a good decision.
Do all you can to make sure that you let her know you're happy of her
decisions. Don't wait for the day that it could end up being different and
you really are faced with a real issue that you'd rather not have... I kind
of know what that is like. Be happy for her, as well as her friend's
father's responsible actions to inform you of what all the kids were doing.



(kind of irrelevant, but...)
About 2 years ago, my parents went out of town for the weekend. They left
my brothers at home since it was just a 2 full day and one overnight that
they would be gone. My mom asked me, if I happened to be around their
place, to stop in and just check on my brothers, just to make sure that the
house hadn't burned to the ground or that they didn't lose control over the
place with people. They were told no parties, and no more than 2 friends
each in the house at one time. (To me, that seemed MORE than unreasonable.)
During the late afternoon, I happened to be out with a friend for a bit, and
we stopped by my parents place. I had a key at home but didn't bring it
since I figured they were either home and fine, or out in the middle of the
afternoon, and there was no reason to go inside.
As soon as I pulled up, I could see through the curtains that they were
inside. I knocked on the door. No answer. I could hear murmurs and
whispering inside, also the sounds of moving around. I knocked again.
Again, no answer. I banged on the door and opened the mail chute to call to
them, and let them know I wasn't stupid and knew they were in there. I then
went next door to the neighbour who had a spare key but she wasn't home, so
I came back to the door and continued to bang on it another time. I opened
the mail chute again and started to really look in, and that's when I could
smell pot in there, and it was really strong and fresh. I then went back to
the car, grabbed my cell and started calling into the house, which, by now,
had become still and quiet, yet no one had gone out. No answer inside, so
since I felt there was cause to be concerned, I called my aunt and told her
what I knew was going on. I didn't know what else to do. She then started
calling the house, and finally, after a good 10 minutes of banging on the
door, my brother fianally answered the door. One look at him and I knew
exactly what was up, even though I had known before the door was opened.
There was about 6 kids in the house, but really, I didn't care about that as
much as anything else. I kicked all those kids out, and my aunt asked if I
was able to take my brothers over to my place until my parents got home the
next day. I packed them into the car, and talked to my aunt later that
night. She said that my mom should know about this. I felt I shouldn't
bother telling her because no matter what, it's a lose-lose situation for
me. I tell her, and I knew she would get mad at me for causing a big scene,
telling my auntie, since I honestly didn't know where else to go for advice
and help and for not minding my own business. If I didn't tell my mom, I
also felt that if and when she found out, she would be ****ed off at me for
not telling her. I honestly felt like I was at a loss no matter what. My
aunt then said that now that she knew about this, she would go directly to
my mom and talk to her, telling her exactly what I had said. My aunt even
talked to both my brothers separately and they both lied to her at first,
but then they realized they were getting nowhere and told her the truth.
When my mom did find out, she was ****ed off for everything that I had
originally feared... She was ****ed off that I had told my aunt, she was
****ed off that I didn't come to her myself, she was ****ed off that I was
even there in the first place, yet she had asked me to stop in if I happened
to be close by! I spent the whole evening and next morning worrying about
what my mom would say, as well as I had to sit and listen to my brothers to
beg me not to tell my mom and how I was such a rat. Of course, my mom
denied everything to herself. No, not my brothers - they're perfect little
angels! I was the one who was over there causing trouble, of course.

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...
Here is the situation:

daughter is at friends house today. Parents took my daughter, their 2
daughters and the oldest daughter's boyfriend to the movies. They were
going
to shop around after the movie so parent were picking them up 45 minutes
after movie is over. Father shows up early though. Father follows them as
they go to the back of the theater where there is seclusion and woods.
Father watches for a bit as the boy, oldest daughter and my daughters
friend
take some hits off a pipe. (They were smoking pot) My daughter's friend
only
took a hit to 'try it' but the others were definitely into smoking it. My
daughter said no...... didn't do it. Father backs it up and best friend
backed up the story plus my daughter swears on her father's grave. To
much
time passed for me to be able to tell if she was high. Her eyes were
glassy
but everyone had been crying. I might go buy a drug test just in
case.......
just to make sure. Otherwise I have to assume she made a good decision in
not smoking. What I am not happy about is that she followed them back
into
the edge of the woods. Her and her friend both say they didn't know why
the
sister and boyfriend wanted them to go back. I told S that you don't
trust
anyone and ever just follow someone somewhere unsafe.

So my issue is to punish her for putting herself in that situation where
she
could have gotten hurt or gotten in legal trouble.

Help! I am sitting on this..... truly don't know what to do. I do want to
run a drug test and did tell her that is a possibility.

Speaking as the mother of a teenager daughter, the the former stepmother
of
(former) teenagers, I'm not sure that punishment is even part of the
pictu

1. Rather than going off alone, which would have been substantially less
safe
then staying as part of a group, she stayed with the friends with whom she
was
supposed to be staying.
2. Witnesses all corroborate that she did not do drugs

She made the right decisions, and it seems that you want to punish her
anyway,
as well as giving her the message that you don't trust her, her friends,
or the
friend's father by forcing her to submit to a drug test.

What sort of message do you think you're sending? The one I'm receiving,
after
reading you post is that

1. You don't trust her
2. You don't trust her friends
3. You don't trust her friend's parents
4. Despite all evidence, you think she's a liar, as are her friends and
her
friend's parents.

I can just imagine how my daughter would react - and I wouldn't blame her.

(just my 2 cents)




Well, I don't trust her. She is a teenager and she has lied. I will mostly
always doubt her. I believe she didn't do anything last night though only
because of the promise on her father's grave and the father stating he
didn't see her smoke any and he gave it enough time to see who all was going
to hit the pipe. (I imagine me standing there... watching as my kids smoke
pot. I give the dad credit.) I wonder if she didn't smoke but would have.
But that is all IF'S and will go no where.

I did speak to her about the possibility of bad things happening, sneaking
off behind a mall. I told her next time to realize that there is no positive
reason for that. Funny, I also had told her that if it would be more unsafe
to stay alone then it is still best to stay with the crowd but only
realizing that other guys could have been following and so on. We all know
the implications. It could be the first time this came up for her. Who knows
what to do at that point. Now she will have a better concept.

The biggest reason for the drug test...... I told her from day one......
many yrs ago and reinforced the idea regularly..... start hanging out with
friends doing drugs? I ever smell pot on you or think you are high? I will
drug test you in a second. So IF I don't...... then what? She thinks I was
talking out my ass. At the age of 13 what is the biggest reason kids might
say no to drugs or no to doing anything bad? Apparently her issue is fear of
me and being grounded forever.

I see what is written from all...... thanks. No punishment is in order, I
agree. Apparently just being in her friends house for the 4 hours after the
movie was a bit of punishment. Italian mom...... S said she flipped out
worse then I ever have. Then they couldn't get ahold of the boy's mother so
HE was still there. Parents want to kill him but have to look at him on
their couch! Ouch! Plus some truths came out about the older sister so now
the parents can deal with that. I told S's friend, who I will add has become
like my second daughter, that I am upset that she did that but appreciate
that she apologizes to me. She said some interesting things to me. She said
she can't say for sure she will never smoke again. She is curious she said.
I said, give it some time.... a few years atleast. She basically is saying
that she will smoke pot or do other drugs again.She said she will never put
a non-smoker in a bad position again either. I wonder if she said the same
things to her parents? I explained some of the trouble she could get into
legally. I reminded her that if her dad could sneak and follow them, an
employee at the mall could have also. They could have called the cops and
then they would have had criminal charges against them.

Today is my first Sunday off in months so we are just going to enjoy it. No
talk of this today with S. Poor kid..... she had a rough week. Broke up with
boyfriend..... he is going nuts...... back with boyfriend...... then this.
Drama.

Thanks everyone. Please continue with advice or stories..... can help others
in similar situations.

T

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:bvwWd.581300$6l.391834@pd7tw2no...


(kind of irrelevant, but...)
About 2 years ago, my parents went out of town for the weekend. They left
my brothers at home since it was just a 2 full day and one overnight that
they would be gone. My mom asked me, if I happened to be around their
place, to stop in and just check on my brothers, just to make sure that
the house hadn't burned to the ground or that they didn't lose control
over the place with people. They were told no parties, and no more than 2
friends each in the house at one time. (To me, that seemed MORE than
unreasonable.)
During the late afternoon, I happened to be out with a friend for a bit,
and we stopped by my parents place. I had a key at home but didn't bring
it since I figured they were either home and fine, or out in the middle of
the afternoon, and there was no reason to go inside.
As soon as I pulled up, I could see through the curtains that they were
inside. I knocked on the door. No answer. I could hear murmurs and
whispering inside, also the sounds of moving around. I knocked again.
Again, no answer. I banged on the door and opened the mail chute to call
to them, and let them know I wasn't stupid and knew they were in there. I
then went next door to the neighbour who had a spare key but she wasn't
home, so I came back to the door and continued to bang on it another time.
I opened the mail chute again and started to really look in, and that's
when I could smell pot in there, and it was really strong and fresh. I
then went back to the car, grabbed my cell and started calling into the
house, which, by now, had become still and quiet, yet no one had gone out.
No answer inside, so since I felt there was cause to be concerned, I
called my aunt and told her what I knew was going on. I didn't know what
else to do. She then started calling the house, and finally, after a good
10 minutes of banging on the door, my brother fianally answered the door.
One look at him and I knew exactly what was up, even though I had known
before the door was opened. There was about 6 kids in the house, but
really, I didn't care about that as much as anything else. I kicked all
those kids out, and my aunt asked if I was able to take my brothers over
to my place until my parents got home the next day. I packed them into
the car, and talked to my aunt later that night. She said that my mom
should know about this. I felt I shouldn't bother telling her because no
matter what, it's a lose-lose situation for me. I tell her, and I knew
she would get mad at me for causing a big scene, telling my auntie, since
I honestly didn't know where else to go for advice and help and for not
minding my own business. If I didn't tell my mom, I also felt that if and
when she found out, she would be ****ed off at me for not telling her. I
honestly felt like I was at a loss no matter what. My aunt then said that
now that she knew about this, she would go directly to my mom and talk to
her, telling her exactly what I had said. My aunt even talked to both my
brothers separately and they both lied to her at first, but then they
realized they were getting nowhere and told her the truth.
When my mom did find out, she was ****ed off for everything that I had
originally feared... She was ****ed off that I had told my aunt, she was
****ed off that I didn't come to her myself, she was ****ed off that I was
even there in the first place, yet she had asked me to stop in if I
happened to be close by! I spent the whole evening and next morning
worrying about what my mom would say, as well as I had to sit and listen
to my brothers to beg me not to tell my mom and how I was such a rat. Of
course, my mom denied everything to herself. No, not my brothers -
they're perfect little angels! I was the one who was over there causing
trouble, of course.

Wait. Your Mom was mad at you for doing what she asked you to do, and then
doing what you thought was right? Huh? Who's the adult here? I stand by
my statement that you Mom sounds like a ****. Sorry.

Christine

"CME" wrote in message
news:fYIWd.5658$gJ3.846@clgrps13...

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:bvwWd.581300$6l.391834@pd7tw2no...


(kind of irrelevant, but...)
About 2 years ago, my parents went out of town for the weekend. They
left my brothers at home since it was just a 2 full day and one overnight
that they would be gone. My mom asked me, if I happened to be around
their place, to stop in and just check on my brothers, just to make sure
that the house hadn't burned to the ground or that they didn't lose
control over the place with people. They were told no parties, and no
more than 2 friends each in the house at one time. (To me, that seemed
MORE than unreasonable.)
During the late afternoon, I happened to be out with a friend for a bit,
and we stopped by my parents place. I had a key at home but didn't bring
it since I figured they were either home and fine, or out in the middle
of the afternoon, and there was no reason to go inside.
As soon as I pulled up, I could see through the curtains that they were
inside. I knocked on the door. No answer. I could hear murmurs and
whispering inside, also the sounds of moving around. I knocked again.
Again, no answer. I banged on the door and opened the mail chute to call
to them, and let them know I wasn't stupid and knew they were in there.
I then went next door to the neighbour who had a spare key but she wasn't
home, so I came back to the door and continued to bang on it another
time. I opened the mail chute again and started to really look in, and
that's when I could smell pot in there, and it was really strong and
fresh. I then went back to the car, grabbed my cell and started calling
into the house, which, by now, had become still and quiet, yet no one had
gone out. No answer inside, so since I felt there was cause to be
concerned, I called my aunt and told her what I knew was going on. I
didn't know what else to do. She then started calling the house, and
finally, after a good 10 minutes of banging on the door, my brother
fianally answered the door. One look at him and I knew exactly what was
up, even though I had known before the door was opened. There was about 6
kids in the house, but really, I didn't care about that as much as
anything else. I kicked all those kids out, and my aunt asked if I was
able to take my brothers over to my place until my parents got home the
next day. I packed them into the car, and talked to my aunt later that
night. She said that my mom should know about this. I felt I shouldn't
bother telling her because no matter what, it's a lose-lose situation for
me. I tell her, and I knew she would get mad at me for causing a big
scene, telling my auntie, since I honestly didn't know where else to go
for advice and help and for not minding my own business. If I didn't
tell my mom, I also felt that if and when she found out, she would be
****ed off at me for not telling her. I honestly felt like I was at a
loss no matter what. My aunt then said that now that she knew about
this, she would go directly to my mom and talk to her, telling her
exactly what I had said. My aunt even talked to both my brothers
separately and they both lied to her at first, but then they realized
they were getting nowhere and told her the truth.
When my mom did find out, she was ****ed off for everything that I had
originally feared... She was ****ed off that I had told my aunt, she was
****ed off that I didn't come to her myself, she was ****ed off that I
was even there in the first place, yet she had asked me to stop in if I
happened to be close by! I spent the whole evening and next morning
worrying about what my mom would say, as well as I had to sit and listen
to my brothers to beg me not to tell my mom and how I was such a rat. Of
course, my mom denied everything to herself. No, not my brothers -
they're perfect little angels! I was the one who was over there causing
trouble, of course.

Wait. Your Mom was mad at you for doing what she asked you to do, and
then doing what you thought was right? Huh? Who's the adult here? I
stand by my statement that you Mom sounds like a ****. Sorry.

Christine

Yes, that's one of the toughest things I deal with when it comes to my
parents, mainly my mom. When it comes down to almost everything, my first
thoughts are what is right and wrong. To me, not saying anything to anyone
would have been wrong, yet saying something would also be wrong.
I do love my mom, but yes, for lack of a better word, she is a **** a lot of
the time. I just find that anything that does or could involve her, which
is pretty much everything since she is my mother, there's really no right
thing to do, since no matter what is done has the major potential to be
wrong.

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:FUNWd.588903$8l.448687@pd7tw1no...

"CME" wrote in message
news:fYIWd.5658$gJ3.846@clgrps13...

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:bvwWd.581300$6l.391834@pd7tw2no...


(kind of irrelevant, but...)
About 2 years ago, my parents went out of town for the weekend. They
left my brothers at home since it was just a 2 full day and one
overnight that they would be gone. My mom asked me, if I happened to be
around their place, to stop in and just check on my brothers, just to
make sure that the house hadn't burned to the ground or that they didn't
lose control over the place with people. They were told no parties, and
no more than 2 friends each in the house at one time. (To me, that
seemed MORE than unreasonable.)
During the late afternoon, I happened to be out with a friend for a bit,
and we stopped by my parents place. I had a key at home but didn't
bring it since I figured they were either home and fine, or out in the
middle of the afternoon, and there was no reason to go inside.
As soon as I pulled up, I could see through the curtains that they were
inside. I knocked on the door. No answer. I could hear murmurs and
whispering inside, also the sounds of moving around. I knocked again.
Again, no answer. I banged on the door and opened the mail chute to
call to them, and let them know I wasn't stupid and knew they were in
there. I then went next door to the neighbour who had a spare key but
she wasn't home, so I came back to the door and continued to bang on it
another time. I opened the mail chute again and started to really look
in, and that's when I could smell pot in there, and it was really strong
and fresh. I then went back to the car, grabbed my cell and started
calling into the house, which, by now, had become still and quiet, yet
no one had gone out. No answer inside, so since I felt there was cause
to be concerned, I called my aunt and told her what I knew was going on.
I didn't know what else to do. She then started calling the house, and
finally, after a good 10 minutes of banging on the door, my brother
fianally answered the door. One look at him and I knew exactly what was
up, even though I had known before the door was opened. There was about
6 kids in the house, but really, I didn't care about that as much as
anything else. I kicked all those kids out, and my aunt asked if I was
able to take my brothers over to my place until my parents got home the
next day. I packed them into the car, and talked to my aunt later that
night. She said that my mom should know about this. I felt I shouldn't
bother telling her because no matter what, it's a lose-lose situation
for me. I tell her, and I knew she would get mad at me for causing a
big scene, telling my auntie, since I honestly didn't know where else to
go for advice and help and for not minding my own business. If I didn't
tell my mom, I also felt that if and when she found out, she would be
****ed off at me for not telling her. I honestly felt like I was at a
loss no matter what. My aunt then said that now that she knew about
this, she would go directly to my mom and talk to her, telling her
exactly what I had said. My aunt even talked to both my brothers
separately and they both lied to her at first, but then they realized
they were getting nowhere and told her the truth.
When my mom did find out, she was ****ed off for everything that I had
originally feared... She was ****ed off that I had told my aunt, she was
****ed off that I didn't come to her myself, she was ****ed off that I
was even there in the first place, yet she had asked me to stop in if I
happened to be close by! I spent the whole evening and next morning
worrying about what my mom would say, as well as I had to sit and listen
to my brothers to beg me not to tell my mom and how I was such a rat.
Of course, my mom denied everything to herself. No, not my brothers -
they're perfect little angels! I was the one who was over there causing
trouble, of course.

Wait. Your Mom was mad at you for doing what she asked you to do, and
then doing what you thought was right? Huh? Who's the adult here? I
stand by my statement that you Mom sounds like a ****. Sorry.

Christine

Yes, that's one of the toughest things I deal with when it comes to my
parents, mainly my mom. When it comes down to almost everything, my first
thoughts are what is right and wrong. To me, not saying anything to
anyone would have been wrong, yet saying something would also be wrong.
I do love my mom, but yes, for lack of a better word, she is a **** a lot
of the time. I just find that anything that does or could involve her,
which is pretty much everything since she is my mother, there's really no
right thing to do, since no matter what is done has the major potential to
be wrong.

That must be so difficult and stressful for you Kat. My cousin is going
through a similar experience, she recently found out she was pregnant (she's
4 months now) and she hasn't spoken to my Aunt in over a year. Not her
doing, just more her mother being completely unaccepting of her own life
choices. I hope I never get to that point that I'd be willing to alienate
my children just because I don't agree with their not being married or
something just as trivial. No matter what, I think you should be there to
love and support your children, not judge.

Christine

"CME" wrote in message
news:hkSWd.9763$gJ3.2495@clgrps13...

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:FUNWd.588903$8l.448687@pd7tw1no...

"CME" wrote in message
news:fYIWd.5658$gJ3.846@clgrps13...

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:bvwWd.581300$6l.391834@pd7tw2no...


(kind of irrelevant, but...)
About 2 years ago, my parents went out of town for the weekend. They
left my brothers at home since it was just a 2 full day and one
overnight that they would be gone. My mom asked me, if I happened to
be around their place, to stop in and just check on my brothers, just
to make sure that the house hadn't burned to the ground or that they
didn't lose control over the place with people. They were told no
parties, and no more than 2 friends each in the house at one time. (To
me, that seemed MORE than unreasonable.)
During the late afternoon, I happened to be out with a friend for a
bit, and we stopped by my parents place. I had a key at home but
didn't bring it since I figured they were either home and fine, or out
in the middle of the afternoon, and there was no reason to go inside.
As soon as I pulled up, I could see through the curtains that they were
inside. I knocked on the door. No answer. I could hear murmurs and
whispering inside, also the sounds of moving around. I knocked again.
Again, no answer. I banged on the door and opened the mail chute to
call to them, and let them know I wasn't stupid and knew they were in
there. I then went next door to the neighbour who had a spare key but
she wasn't home, so I came back to the door and continued to bang on it
another time. I opened the mail chute again and started to really look
in, and that's when I could smell pot in there, and it was really
strong and fresh. I then went back to the car, grabbed my cell and
started calling into the house, which, by now, had become still and
quiet, yet no one had gone out. No answer inside, so since I felt there
was cause to be concerned, I called my aunt and told her what I knew
was going on. I didn't know what else to do. She then started calling
the house, and finally, after a good 10 minutes of banging on the door,
my brother fianally answered the door. One look at him and I knew
exactly what was up, even though I had known before the door was
opened. There was about 6 kids in the house, but really, I didn't care
about that as much as anything else. I kicked all those kids out, and
my aunt asked if I was able to take my brothers over to my place until
my parents got home the next day. I packed them into the car, and
talked to my aunt later that night. She said that my mom should know
about this. I felt I shouldn't bother telling her because no matter
what, it's a lose-lose situation for me. I tell her, and I knew she
would get mad at me for causing a big scene, telling my auntie, since I
honestly didn't know where else to go for advice and help and for not
minding my own business. If I didn't tell my mom, I also felt that if
and when she found out, she would be ****ed off at me for not telling
her. I honestly felt like I was at a loss no matter what. My aunt
then said that now that she knew about this, she would go directly to
my mom and talk to her, telling her exactly what I had said. My aunt
even talked to both my brothers separately and they both lied to her at
first, but then they realized they were getting nowhere and told her
the truth.
When my mom did find out, she was ****ed off for everything that I had
originally feared... She was ****ed off that I had told my aunt, she
was ****ed off that I didn't come to her myself, she was ****ed off
that I was even there in the first place, yet she had asked me to stop
in if I happened to be close by! I spent the whole evening and next
morning worrying about what my mom would say, as well as I had to sit
and listen to my brothers to beg me not to tell my mom and how I was
such a rat. Of course, my mom denied everything to herself. No, not my
brothers - they're perfect little angels! I was the one who was over
there causing trouble, of course.

Wait. Your Mom was mad at you for doing what she asked you to do, and
then doing what you thought was right? Huh? Who's the adult here? I
stand by my statement that you Mom sounds like a ****. Sorry.

Christine

Yes, that's one of the toughest things I deal with when it comes to my
parents, mainly my mom. When it comes down to almost everything, my
first thoughts are what is right and wrong. To me, not saying anything
to anyone would have been wrong, yet saying something would also be
wrong.
I do love my mom, but yes, for lack of a better word, she is a **** a lot
of the time. I just find that anything that does or could involve her,
which is pretty much everything since she is my mother, there's really no
right thing to do, since no matter what is done has the major potential
to be wrong.

That must be so difficult and stressful for you Kat. My cousin is
going through a similar experience, she recently found out she was
pregnant (she's 4 months now) and she hasn't spoken to my Aunt in over a
year. Not her doing, just more her mother being completely unaccepting of
her own life choices. I hope I never get to that point that I'd be
willing to alienate my children just because I don't agree with their not
being married or something just as trivial. No matter what, I think you
should be there to love and support your children, not judge.

Christine

Well, right now, everything seems to be so stressful, even something as
silly as doing the dishes or walking up the stairs.
I know my mom just doesn't like that she feels I don't have my life in
order. Maybe she is right. I do live on my own, and it's kind of sad that
it's in sub-housing, but, really, this is definitely the way, and most
likely the only way, that I will be able to actually get ahead. I know it
could be worse. I know my mom would rather not have me living at home,
living off her, with (a) child/ren, not doing anything, or I could be a
complete deadbeat and not do anything at all. I'm not living on the
streets, no one's going hungry or walking around with dirty, ripped, ratty
and inadequate clothing. I don't see what I'm doing wrong by making the
best life I can.
We still do talk, she invites us over for dinner usually every Sunday, I
invite them over if they don't have hockey or something every now and then,
even tonight, B and I took off to watch half of my brother's hockey game. I
know she does love and support me/us, but as far as the judging goes, I feel
she is constantly doing that, and maybe she's not doing it intentionally (or
maybe she is?) I still see and feel it anyways.
I also know I would never want to see myself judging my own children, as
well, under any circumstance. I hope I can always support and show it, and
love my children no matter who or what they are. If I feel they're having
problems, I'd much rather support in a good way than a bad, and if I see
they're doing well, I'd rather support that as well.

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...
Here is the situation:

daughter is at friends house today. Parents took my daughter, their 2
daughters and the oldest daughter's boyfriend to the movies. They were
going to shop around after the movie so parent were picking them up 45
minutes after movie is over. Father shows up early though. Father follows
them as they go to the back of the theater where there is seclusion and
woods. Father watches for a bit as the boy, oldest daughter and my
daughters friend take some hits off a pipe. (They were smoking pot) My
daughter's friend only took a hit to 'try it' but the others were
definitely into smoking it. My daughter said no...... didn't do it. Father
backs it up and best friend backed up the story plus my daughter swears on
her father's grave. To much time passed for me to be able to tell if she
was high. Her eyes were glassy but everyone had been crying. I might go
buy a drug test just in case....... just to make sure. Otherwise I have to
assume she made a good decision in not smoking. What I am not happy about
is that she followed them back into the edge of the woods. Her and her
friend both say they didn't know why the sister and boyfriend wanted them
to go back. I told S that you don't trust anyone and ever just follow
someone somewhere unsafe.

So my issue is to punish her for putting herself in that situation where
she could have gotten hurt or gotten in legal trouble.

Help! I am sitting on this..... truly don't know what to do. I do want to
run a drug test and did tell her that is a possibility.

T

CHINS or PINS.
V

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:BBSWd.589269$Xk.454974@pd7tw3no...

snip

Well, right now, everything seems to be so stressful, even something as
silly as doing the dishes or walking up the stairs.
I know my mom just doesn't like that she feels I don't have my life in
order. Maybe she is right. I do live on my own, and it's kind of sad
that it's in sub-housing, but, really, this is definitely the way, and
most likely the only way, that I will be able to actually get ahead. I
know it could be worse. I know my mom would rather not have me living at
home, living off her, with (a) child/ren, not doing anything, or I could
be a complete deadbeat and not do anything at all. I'm not living on the
streets, no one's going hungry or walking around with dirty, ripped, ratty
and inadequate clothing. I don't see what I'm doing wrong by making the
best life I can.
We still do talk, she invites us over for dinner usually every Sunday, I
invite them over if they don't have hockey or something every now and
then, even tonight, B and I took off to watch half of my brother's hockey
game. I know she does love and support me/us, but as far as the judging
goes, I feel she is constantly doing that, and maybe she's not doing it
intentionally (or maybe she is?) I still see and feel it anyways.
I also know I would never want to see myself judging my own children, as
well, under any circumstance. I hope I can always support and show it,
and love my children no matter who or what they are. If I feel they're
having problems, I'd much rather support in a good way than a bad, and if
I see they're doing well, I'd rather support that as well.

Well I just got back from Cuba on Sunday. I was there for work/pleasure and
the only thing my Mom had to say when I got back was I'm a horrible mother.
How could I leave my children with a mediocre babysitter for a whole week?
SHE never did anything like that, blah blah blah. You know what? I haven't
had a vacation in 9 years, I think I'm ****ing entitled to a goddamn break
and yes it's bloody sad that I have to rely on a STRANGER to care for my
children because my Mom is such a ****ty grandmother. Like wtf?! I
realized my Mother is a toxic vat of liquid jealousy and I can't let it get
to me but it's really hard when your own Mother is like that. My parents
sent me to my grandmothers for a week every year, not to mention I went to
my Uncle's for a week to Calgary AND I had summer camp. I guess that
doesn't count? Oh btw when I came home my house was clean, the children
were well fed, clean and happy and I talked to them daily. Christ she even
did all my laundry, got them to school on time every day, made them a lunch
and didn't even yell at them. The woman was a better mother to them than I
am! lol But I'm a bad person for wanting to give my kids a better life???
I really hate her sometimes.

/end rant.

Christine
(In need of adoption)