single man looking for single mom

On 16 Dec 2004 21:07:55 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote:

But boy, you'd sure have to have compatible child rearing
views & styles to make it work.

And isn't that the point.


Okay, now i'm thinking some of you that haven't been married or had bad
marraiges maybe think that a good marraige parents agree about childrraising
all the time? Let me disabuse you of that fantasy.

Nope. 'Compatible' doesn't mean 'identical'.

A couple can be compatible, share values, blah blah blah and still disagree
about "Should we let her pierce her ears, buy that game, ect?" When you are
both the parents, you have to work that out, compromise. You aren't going to
agree on everything. Someone is going to have to give in.

That's true. It's true when two caring parents are apart, also.

When a step parent is involved, I'm saying ONE PERSON makes those decisions,
and it's not the step parent. The parent decides if she gets to wear that
shirt to the dance, not the step parent. I don't think agreeing on the shirt
should be a requirement for getting married, I think agreeing WHO decides about
the shirt is a requirment for getting married.

I'm saying that I basically agree, although there's some wiggle room
there for people who begin stepparenting very young kids, *assuming*
that works for the parent. Essentially, that level of trust in such a
case is likely to be conferred by the parent *if* there're highly
compatible styles. Which, hopefully, there will be, as they got
married and all.

And I also believe discipline is the parents job. You earn the right to
discipline a child by virtue of having been there their whole life...not by
having sex with their mother or father.

Mmmmm. Better tell that to all of us teachers...we go around
disciplining other people's children all the time!

Seriously, we part company here. I believe you earn the right to
discipline a child by virtue of having a trust relationship with the
child and parent. After all, in stepfamilies, it's entirely possible
that a parent would leave a child with a stepparent while off on a
business trip or something. The child wouldn't be entirely without
discipline during that time, if it was required.

I think the thing is that the step parent would *defer* to the parent
in matters of significance where there was disagreement. And hopefully
that disagreement would be dealt with behind closed doors, just as
with two natural parents.

Now I'm getting deja vue and wondering if I ought to be shining up those KGB
boots...

Surely you're too busy with Christmas shopping? I've got a plane to
catch, myself....

Cele

I'm saying that I basically agree, although there's some wiggle room
there for people who begin stepparenting very young kids

I agree, because the longer you are with a kid, the more you earn the right to
take the parental role...so a step parent is going to be more of a parent to a
younger child...


And I also believe discipline is the parents job.

Mmmmm. Better tell that to all of us teachers...we go around
disciplining other people's children all the time!

Well maybe i'm thinking of different levels of discipline...obviously even a
baby sitter has certain disciplining priveledges...

Seriously, we part company here. I believe you earn the right to
discipline a child by virtue of having a trust relationship with the
child and parent

Well I don't know if we are so far apart, but I still think the philosophy of
discipline is set by the parent, the responsiblity is the parents and the older
the children are, the smoother everything will go if that is left up to the
parent.


I think the thing is that the step parent would *defer* to the parent
in matters of significance where there was disagreement.

Yes. That's what I'm saying.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

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Well I am still in the cold north......just not the
boonies.......but can't wait for the 27th and 80 degree weather.
:-)


Yeah I think you need to take me with you, if not just to hear me
stop whining about it.

You want to share a room for a week with a complete stranger? As
long
as I'm paying right LOL


Christine

LOL Busted! When you put it like that though, the romance is gone.
~sigh~

DAMN! So if you paid your own way, would you feel better about
it?
heehee




Don't kill the romance Paul! Pay up! She will get over it as soon as
you
romance her in person.

Romance wasn't necessaily what came to mind ;-)


Romance will get you to where you want to be! lol

So will 3 or 4 adult
beverages......................................(jo king!!!!!)




You know that is not a joke for most! lol

T

"Tiffany" wrote in message
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"Tiffany" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"Tiffany" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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Well I am still in the cold north......just not the
boonies.......but can't wait for the 27th and 80 degree
weather.
:-)


Yeah I think you need to take me with you, if not just to hear
me
stop whining about it.

You want to share a room for a week with a complete stranger?
As
long
as I'm paying right LOL


Christine

LOL Busted! When you put it like that though, the romance is
gone.
~sigh~

DAMN! So if you paid your own way, would you feel better about
it?
heehee




Don't kill the romance Paul! Pay up! She will get over it as soon
as
you
romance her in person.

Romance wasn't necessaily what came to mind ;-)


Romance will get you to where you want to be! lol

So will 3 or 4 adult
beverages......................................(jo king!!!!!)




You know that is not a joke for most! lol

T



It is to me,,,,,,I'm not a cheap date

Lisa

On 17 Dec 2004 14:21:41 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote:

[snip]

I think the thing is that the step parent would *defer* to the parent
in matters of significance where there was disagreement.

Yes. That's what I'm saying.

Yup, looks like we're in agreement. Did you have a spare set of those
boots, then? I'm a size 8....

Cele

"Tiffany" wrote in message
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"Tiffany" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

"P.Fritz" wrote in message
...

"CME" wrote in message
news:5wlwd.63$0C1.34@edtnps91...

"P.Fritz" wrote in message
...

Well I am still in the cold north......just not the
boonies.......but can't wait for the 27th and 80 degree
weather.
:-)


Yeah I think you need to take me with you, if not just to hear
me
stop whining about it.

You want to share a room for a week with a complete stranger? As
long
as I'm paying right LOL


Christine

LOL Busted! When you put it like that though, the romance is
gone.
~sigh~

DAMN! So if you paid your own way, would you feel better about
it?
heehee




Don't kill the romance Paul! Pay up! She will get over it as soon as
you
romance her in person.

Romance wasn't necessaily what came to mind ;-)


Romance will get you to where you want to be! lol

So will 3 or 4 adult
beverages......................................(jo king!!!!!)




You know that is not a joke for most! lol

So do you want to meet for a drink? or two? or 3? heehee


T

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 14:03:14 GMT, lm
wrote:

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 03:22:50 GMT, Cele wrote:

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 02:34:45 GMT, lm
wrote:

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 01:32:47 GMT, Cele wrote:

I understand what you're saying, but I think Joelle's got a pretty
strong case. To a significant degree, it depends on the age of the
kids and the situation. My own daughters are 17 and 19, and have a
strong relationship with their father. Should I choose to remarry, the
man in question would need to be clear on the fact that he was *not*
in a parenting role, but rather, in a supportive adult role. Obviously
values & modeling & so forth are important, but they're important to
marriage, as well. Presumably, if you're thinking at all, you're
going to marry someone who sets a good example or you wouldn't be
choosing that person. But it's very, very dangerous ground for a step
parent to tread, to try taking on the parent's role. It's also very
arrogant, in some circumstances. There needs to be respect for the
existing or deceased parent and that parent's role in the child's
life, and there needs to be clear boundaries around the buck stopping
with the child's own parent for discipline and child rearing. That
said, of course, it's sensible for *any* adult to establish their
*own* boundaries.....with respect to themselves.

With all due respect, your kids are practically grown.

That's right. But the one is still at home. And to step in as a parent
with one that age would be nuts. I believe I mentioned that age makes
a difference.

Your post said that Joelle's point was a good one, that "his wife has
no voice where the children are concerned." Yet your paragraphs don't
really say that, they say that the amount of parenting involved
depends on age, relationship, time together, etc. All reasonable
things, and none of them appear to me to be in agreement with "his
wife has no voice where the children are concerned." Am I misreading?


It's more an
issue for Paul's son than for your daughters. You'll be a parent
whether either of you like it or not.

I'll be an adult in the home who cares about him and as he gains
trust, I'll become more involved. But I'll respect *his* and *Paul's*
relationship as the primary one WRT parenting. And I'll be a parent to
the degree that they both are comfortable...which likely will increase
over time, but only if trust is built. You don't just walk in and
start parenting other people's kids.

Of course you don't, and it will be harder for you guys than for
people who are local to each other and get to know the kids gradually.
My partner and I went through that as well, and with the biological
father in the picture too. It works quite well the way you describe,
and the idea of my husband having "no voice where the children
are concerned" is ludicrous.


If the child is very young and has no recollection or awareness of
another parent, it may be reasonable for that stepparent to take on
the role. But boy, you'd sure have to have compatible child rearing
views & styles to make it work.

And isn't that the point.

I expect it wasn't yours. But it was one of mine. :-)

Of course it was my point. I said this to Lisa: "Nobody should get
married -- whether there are existing kids or not -- if they don't
share the same basic beliefs regarding
parenting/discipline/values/morals/etc."

lm

Cele?

lm

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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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Well I am still in the cold north......just not the
boonies.......but can't wait for the 27th and 80 degree
weather.
:-)


Yeah I think you need to take me with you, if not just to hear
me
stop whining about it.

You want to share a room for a week with a complete stranger?
As long
as I'm paying right LOL


Christine

LOL Busted! When you put it like that though, the romance is
gone.
~sigh~

DAMN! So if you paid your own way, would you feel better about
it?
heehee




Don't kill the romance Paul! Pay up! She will get over it as soon
as you
romance her in person.

Romance wasn't necessaily what came to mind ;-)


Romance will get you to where you want to be! lol

So will 3 or 4 adult
beverages......................................(jo king!!!!!)




You know that is not a joke for most! lol

So do you want to meet for a drink? or two? or 3? heehee


T




Honey, it wouldn't take any drinks for me to be with you!

T

On Fri, 17 Dec 2004 03:25:48 GMT, lm
wrote:

And I also believe discipline is the parents job. You earn the right to
discipline a child by virtue of having been there their whole life...not by
having sex with their mother or father.

When you marry someone .... or *join* your life to theirs in any
permenant arrangement, you do so in the full acceptance of the
circumstances, including children, and in a way that shares ALL
responsibilities as you agree between you. Adults in a relationship
decide between them who takes what role .... there are no taboos or
boundaries in the way you seem to be suggesting; just adults arranging
their lives in the best interests of both themselves and their
children.

Few things, imo, would kill a relationship quicker than an adult
feeling *excluded* by writ, from sections of family life.

my 2c

steveb

On Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:18:27 GMT, 'Kate
wrote:


I'd have to disagree in principle..

All of this is true, of course, if you pick the wrong partner

ste ..