Sorta stood up to MIL

Subject: Sorta stood up to MIL
From: "Anita"
Date: Thu, Oct 23, 2003 11:00 AM
Message-id: . rogers.com

Then let me make it more relevant: when my twin daughters were one they
received a ride-on toy, just like OPs did. Yes, just one. And we wrote
a
thank you note, taught them how to get on it together (I have photographic
evidence) and enjoyed it.

Mine 'fit' on their scooter together as well. But not comfortably and could
not operate it very well pressed together. I wanted a toy they could use the
way it was intended and help their large motor skills along the way. And
although 2 years+ later they are a little big for them at this point, they
still race each other around from time to time. We got our money's worth and
then some from these toys.

A gift does not an individual make. Being an
individual is about character, not about possessions.

Being expected to share gifts is just another way that twins are sometimes
lumped together. It doesn't define them. No one said it did. But it is one
way of many that people assume that their individual desires don't matter --
that somehow because they are twins one gift is 'good enough' and they won't
mind sharing. IMO that shows a lack of respect. And I don't think that is
fair to them.

I think you are naive if you think this kind of treatment by others isn't going
to matter to them at some point. *Especially* if they have cousins who are
treated differently and they see that.





I think we'd do better to find ways to demonstrate our children's
individuality in how *we* treat them than by being ungracious and
vindictive.


Ungracious and vindictive? Wow. It is clear that you missed the point.


Of course our treatment of them effects how they will develop their
individuality. But since they interact with people other than us, it is up to
us -- as their parents -- to stand up for them when they are treated unfairly.
That is all Megan is doing and I applaud her for it. Sometimes standing up for
your kids is more important than being polite.

Lori




A.

But Meagan is not standing up for them. She's criticizing her s-i-l to her
m-i-l. This is just going to give her more in-law problems than she already
has (you don't want to get me started on insensitive in-law stories because
we could be here all day and then my blood pressure would rise and my head
would blow off the top of my neck and then my children would be motherless
and in their evil clutches. Also they're coming over this evening, damn
them, so I have to be in the best possible frame of mind. And now I am
praying to God they never find this post! Anyhow...).

Where I got the idea of vindictiveness is from your post saying "Does this
SIL have more than one child by any chance? This would be the *perfect* way
to illustrate the point you need to make." If receiving a single gift for
two children is disrespectful then repeating the deed is also disrespectful.
Why punish the children for their parents' insensitivity?

To me, it makes more sense to demonstrate things by my own actions. For
example, my in-laws are just as insensitive (oops, I think I just felt my bp
rise a notch) but what I do is make sure there are two cakes and I insist
that we sing Happy Birthday once to each child, I make sure I call them each
by name...stuff like that. I've got enough problems without making (worse)
enemies of my in-laws.

OT but does anyone know of a site about in-law rants along the lines of
www.etiquettehell.com? That'd be a fun way to waste some time.

A.

"Rhiann1048" wrote in message
...
Subject: Sorta stood up to MIL
From: "Anita"
Date: Thu, Oct 23, 2003 11:00 AM
Message-id: . rogers.com

Then let me make it more relevant: when my twin daughters were one they
received a ride-on toy, just like OPs did. Yes, just one. And we wrote
a
thank you note, taught them how to get on it together (I have
photographic
evidence) and enjoyed it.

Mine 'fit' on their scooter together as well. But not comfortably and
could
not operate it very well pressed together. I wanted a toy they could use
the
way it was intended and help their large motor skills along the way. And
although 2 years+ later they are a little big for them at this point, they
still race each other around from time to time. We got our money's worth
and
then some from these toys.

A gift does not an individual make. Being an
individual is about character, not about possessions.

Being expected to share gifts is just another way that twins are sometimes
lumped together. It doesn't define them. No one said it did. But it is
one
way of many that people assume that their individual desires don't
matter --
that somehow because they are twins one gift is 'good enough' and they
won't
mind sharing. IMO that shows a lack of respect. And I don't think that
is
fair to them.

I think you are naive if you think this kind of treatment by others isn't
going
to matter to them at some point. *Especially* if they have cousins who are
treated differently and they see that.





I think we'd do better to find ways to demonstrate our children's
individuality in how *we* treat them than by being ungracious and
vindictive.


Ungracious and vindictive? Wow. It is clear that you missed the point.


Of course our treatment of them effects how they will develop their
individuality. But since they interact with people other than us, it is
up to
us -- as their parents -- to stand up for them when they are treated
unfairly.
That is all Megan is doing and I applaud her for it. Sometimes standing
up for
your kids is more important than being polite.

Lori




A.




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But Meagan is not standing up for them. She's criticizing her s-i-l to her
m-i-l. This is just going to give her more in-law problems than she already
has (you don't want to get me started on insensitive in-law stories because
we could be here all day and then my blood pressure would rise and my head
would blow off the top of my neck and then my children would be motherless
and in their evil clutches. Also they're coming over this evening, damn
them, so I have to be in the best possible frame of mind. And now I am
praying to God they never find this post! Anyhow...).

Where I got the idea of vindictiveness is from your post saying "Does this
SIL have more than one child by any chance? This would be the *perfect* way
to illustrate the point you need to make." If receiving a single gift for
two children is disrespectful then repeating the deed is also disrespectful.
Why punish the children for their parents' insensitivity?

To me, it makes more sense to demonstrate things by my own actions. For
example, my in-laws are just as insensitive (oops, I think I just felt my bp
rise a notch) but what I do is make sure there are two cakes and I insist
that we sing Happy Birthday once to each child, I make sure I call them each
by name...stuff like that. I've got enough problems without making (worse)
enemies of my in-laws.

OT but does anyone know of a site about in-law rants along the lines of
www.etiquettehell.com? That'd be a fun way to waste some time.

A.

"Rhiann1048" wrote in message
...
Subject: Sorta stood up to MIL
From: "Anita"
Date: Thu, Oct 23, 2003 11:00 AM
Message-id: . rogers.com

Then let me make it more relevant: when my twin daughters were one they
received a ride-on toy, just like OPs did. Yes, just one. And we wrote
a
thank you note, taught them how to get on it together (I have
photographic
evidence) and enjoyed it.

Mine 'fit' on their scooter together as well. But not comfortably and
could
not operate it very well pressed together. I wanted a toy they could use
the
way it was intended and help their large motor skills along the way. And
although 2 years+ later they are a little big for them at this point, they
still race each other around from time to time. We got our money's worth
and
then some from these toys.

A gift does not an individual make. Being an
individual is about character, not about possessions.

Being expected to share gifts is just another way that twins are sometimes
lumped together. It doesn't define them. No one said it did. But it is
one
way of many that people assume that their individual desires don't
matter --
that somehow because they are twins one gift is 'good enough' and they
won't
mind sharing. IMO that shows a lack of respect. And I don't think that
is
fair to them.

I think you are naive if you think this kind of treatment by others isn't
going
to matter to them at some point. *Especially* if they have cousins who are
treated differently and they see that.





I think we'd do better to find ways to demonstrate our children's
individuality in how *we* treat them than by being ungracious and
vindictive.


Ungracious and vindictive? Wow. It is clear that you missed the point.


Of course our treatment of them effects how they will develop their
individuality. But since they interact with people other than us, it is
up to
us -- as their parents -- to stand up for them when they are treated
unfairly.
That is all Megan is doing and I applaud her for it. Sometimes standing
up for
your kids is more important than being polite.

Lori




A.




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wrote:

Maybe your m-i-l didn't express it eloquently but she's right. Two of
everything will become clutter.

I had that philosophy too, about many things. We had only one swing, only one
bouncy chair, etc. For a long time only one crib. But some toys are just NOT
MEANT to be shared.

--Helen

wrote:

Maybe your m-i-l didn't express it eloquently but she's right. Two of
everything will become clutter.

I had that philosophy too, about many things. We had only one swing, only one
bouncy chair, etc. For a long time only one crib. But some toys are just NOT
MEANT to be shared.

--Helen

Anita --

You had the guts to say what I've been thinking for days, namely "where
is the gratitude?" I simply cannot believe that full-grown adults are
comparing what *their* kids got to what other kids got, when their kids
are far too young to have any awareness. Give me a break.

As for the issue of treating twins as one, these are ONE-YEAR-OLDS!!!!
They have no clue!!! They are not offended!!! Fine, so get them
another ride-on toy so that they each have one, but do you want your
kids to whine every time they think an injustice has been done on a
gift-giving occasion? That's surely not the behavior I want to model to
my kids. Fine, so ideally the in-laws will start buying them individual
gifts at some point, and if it's that important to you, you or
preferably dh can tactfully help them figure it out. But if they
don't? Is it the end of the world? Or do you want your children to
learn how to deal with things graciously? My kids had a joint birthday
party this year (their choice), with four boys and four girls (and five
siblings) attending. Some kids gave C&E each a present, some gave a
shared present, and one gave a present to only one of the kids. Both of
my kids dealt with every gift and every guest graciously. Isn't that
what it's all about???

Their entire lives, different people are going to treat them in
different ways. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with it.
Frankly, I think this is even easier for the b/g pairs, who are
inherently much more different than the same-gender pairs, as ultimately
their interests are more likely to diverge. But now that my kids are 6,
if a relative gave the kids a bike to share for their birthday, I might
think it a bit odd, and yes, we would soon be shopping for a second
bike, but first and foremost, we would be grateful for the gift.
Period.

Oh -- and Anita, can I borrow your flameproof suit?

Julie
Mom to Chris & Erica, 07/97
Anita wrote:

You seem to have a lot of support here so I am writing this at the risk of
being flamed off the planet...

My sister and I are not twins, we are about two years apart. As children we
often received shared gifts. Sure we sometimes fought over them but we did
not whine about it because we did not have a sense of entitlement. The
truth is that nobody owed us a gift, or two gifts, so we were grateful for
what we got. We said thank you and enjoyed what was given to us. I hope to
raise my kids --twins and singletons-- to do the same.

Maybe your m-i-l didn't express it eloquently but she's right. Two of
everything will become clutter.

So...what am I really trying to say? Well, first, maybe you should think
about the values you'd like to pass on to your children and whether it is
consistent with the message you're sending them. And second, maybe it's not
really about the kids but about how you feel about your in-laws.

Must dash...I've got a flame-proof suit I need to put on.

Anita

"Megan Byrne" wrote in message
...
I asked my MIL to drop off some Dimetap today for Lexi's runny nose, so
when she came over I pointed out the new ride-on Hippo. I then told her
that yes, they love their fire truck, but they fight over it constantly.
Charlene (SIL) of all people should know that you cannot give one toy to
2 toddlers. MIL's response was "If you had 2 of everything it would crap
up your house". Nice, huh?


~Megan~
Aidan Matthew & Alexis Valerie
Born September 28, 2002

www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aidannalexis


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Anita --

You had the guts to say what I've been thinking for days, namely "where
is the gratitude?" I simply cannot believe that full-grown adults are
comparing what *their* kids got to what other kids got, when their kids
are far too young to have any awareness. Give me a break.

As for the issue of treating twins as one, these are ONE-YEAR-OLDS!!!!
They have no clue!!! They are not offended!!! Fine, so get them
another ride-on toy so that they each have one, but do you want your
kids to whine every time they think an injustice has been done on a
gift-giving occasion? That's surely not the behavior I want to model to
my kids. Fine, so ideally the in-laws will start buying them individual
gifts at some point, and if it's that important to you, you or
preferably dh can tactfully help them figure it out. But if they
don't? Is it the end of the world? Or do you want your children to
learn how to deal with things graciously? My kids had a joint birthday
party this year (their choice), with four boys and four girls (and five
siblings) attending. Some kids gave C&E each a present, some gave a
shared present, and one gave a present to only one of the kids. Both of
my kids dealt with every gift and every guest graciously. Isn't that
what it's all about???

Their entire lives, different people are going to treat them in
different ways. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with it.
Frankly, I think this is even easier for the b/g pairs, who are
inherently much more different than the same-gender pairs, as ultimately
their interests are more likely to diverge. But now that my kids are 6,
if a relative gave the kids a bike to share for their birthday, I might
think it a bit odd, and yes, we would soon be shopping for a second
bike, but first and foremost, we would be grateful for the gift.
Period.

Oh -- and Anita, can I borrow your flameproof suit?

Julie
Mom to Chris & Erica, 07/97
Anita wrote:

You seem to have a lot of support here so I am writing this at the risk of
being flamed off the planet...

My sister and I are not twins, we are about two years apart. As children we
often received shared gifts. Sure we sometimes fought over them but we did
not whine about it because we did not have a sense of entitlement. The
truth is that nobody owed us a gift, or two gifts, so we were grateful for
what we got. We said thank you and enjoyed what was given to us. I hope to
raise my kids --twins and singletons-- to do the same.

Maybe your m-i-l didn't express it eloquently but she's right. Two of
everything will become clutter.

So...what am I really trying to say? Well, first, maybe you should think
about the values you'd like to pass on to your children and whether it is
consistent with the message you're sending them. And second, maybe it's not
really about the kids but about how you feel about your in-laws.

Must dash...I've got a flame-proof suit I need to put on.

Anita

"Megan Byrne" wrote in message
...
I asked my MIL to drop off some Dimetap today for Lexi's runny nose, so
when she came over I pointed out the new ride-on Hippo. I then told her
that yes, they love their fire truck, but they fight over it constantly.
Charlene (SIL) of all people should know that you cannot give one toy to
2 toddlers. MIL's response was "If you had 2 of everything it would crap
up your house". Nice, huh?


~Megan~
Aidan Matthew & Alexis Valerie
Born September 28, 2002

www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aidannalexis


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Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
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Lori,
Thank you for taking care of that, LOL. I can always count on you to
"stick up" for me!

This SIL, who I really don't care for, is pg with her 1st child, due in
April.


~Megan~
Aidan Matthew & Alexis Valerie
Born September 28, 2002

www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aidannalexis

Lori,
Thank you for taking care of that, LOL. I can always count on you to
"stick up" for me!

This SIL, who I really don't care for, is pg with her 1st child, due in
April.


~Megan~
Aidan Matthew & Alexis Valerie
Born September 28, 2002

www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aidannalexis

Anita,
I was in no way ungracious. We thanked SIL on the spot AND sent a Thank
You note, as I did with everyone. My kids loved this toy so much, that
they fought over it. I think they have the right to have their own. They
also ride the toys together. I think that you shouldn't make negative
assumptions. I am not going to turn around and treat my new neice or
nephew badly, b/c I didn't agree with the present his/her mother gave my
kids. THAT would be vindictive.


~Megan~
Aidan Matthew & Alexis Valerie
Born September 28, 2002

www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aidannalexis