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#321
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
If you see no reason...
Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... As a matter of fact... Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... And now we get a peek at the ... Ronni wrote: "AZ Astrea" wrote in message ... "Ronni" wrote in message news "Bob Whiteside" wrote in message ink.net... "Ronni" wrote in message ... Just to clarify this girl I talked about from the beginning was with her babys dad for nearly 4 years. They met in high school and were together for quite a while, she thought he would be agood dad when she found out she was pregnant, you never truly know anyone until you live with them. The mistake she made was loving and trusting him. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first woman who has had a child out of wedlock to come in here and pretend you are a "friend" of the "mother." You know way too many details about your "friends" lover, her pregnancy, her child's challenges, and her child's current situation to be anything other than the real mother. It's time to quit paying the games and be honest about your situation. And admit you personally made some bad decisions about loving a man and trusting him until you became pregnant. The people here are very tolerant and supportive of men and women who find themselves in need of advice. Everyone here has done nothing but belittled me due to my opinions etc. If I came here asking for advice I would be told that I should have had an abortion--or I shouldve known the dad would not be there--Yes the situations is my own--So I have been called a slut, a child abuser and so on.... And yes I made very bad decisions when I was younger--as you said--loving and trusting a man that would never be there for his child. I have reasons for not stating the truth that I am the mother, ones you wouldnt understand. ---------------- I don't think you're a 'slut' or a child abuser or anything else. People often do make bad choices with regards to a partner especially when they are young. It's a very sad situation you are dealing with but I hope you can figure out what is best for your child and move on with your life. We have moved on it just gripes me to no end that a parent, any parent, can be like this. ------------ Tell me this--if PA's child support system is so agressive as stated in another posting tell me why my ex owes me nearly $2,000, tell me why he was wage attached after finding out that he lies about his income, tell me why before the wage attachment it took nearly 6 years for them to 'catch on' that he wasnt paying, since the wage attachment there has been 1 payment---Tell me why for over 6 years this man gets away with not paying child support and nothing is done----FYI he is self employed so he still, even after wage attachment, would be responsible for sending his own payments, and I DO know what he makes (he is on a set salary to himself beside business profits in the bank) In this case, even if it is the only case in the world (which I am sure it is not) the CS system is working for the NCP not the CP..... ----------------- Do you know what type of business set-up he has? Is it a large enough business that it is incorporated? Do you know if there are a lot of employees? His dad, brother, and him are partners. They have a few employees but I do not know how many any more. I know he just hired 3 new ones recently. I'm asking these things because if he receives a 'salary' it can still be garnished. You may have to go back to court on your own to bring contempt charges against him if the DA won't do it for you. Or frequently bugging the DA may get them going on it. And like Bob said it takes the arrearage to get to $2,500 for the license revocations to kick in. The only thing is, is it really worth it? After all do you really want this guy involved in your life if he just keeps going in and out whenever he feels like it? If you really need the money then go for it. If you are using it as a way to try to keep the father involved I don't know if I would bother. If the father does come around whenever he wants and only when he feels like playing daddy then yes I would pursue it if I were you. As for your child, he really can survive without a dad. No, it's not an ideal situation. But if he really is harming your son by being/not being there then it would be best if he was just not around. Do you have any kind of communication with him? I used to, last time we talked he told me that he thinks more of his neice (who grew up without a dad and my sons dad kind of filled in that role) is more of a daughter to him then my son will ever be his---even though my son ************************************************** ************************** * is his biological son! Sorry, but I punched him in the mouth...that ticked ************************************************** ************************** * home environment that "has nothing to do" with junior's (unacceptable) learned behaviours that got him labeled...and maybe a hint at what kept dad away in the beginning. This was about 4 months ago #1---#2 one incident doesn't reflect home life. My son wasn't there it was just his father and I. His father had been drinking and I lost my control for a moment. me off to no end...and I will never get over that as a mother--for any parent to say sucha thing disgusts me. Can you talk to him about this? I can't talk to him anymore...I tried talking for nearly 6 years---well about 5 1/2---it's like talking to a brick wall. Don't you mean more like pounding your head....er, fist....against a brick wall? No, I don't do that. If he won't talk to you then do your talking to the DA and let them take it from there, (if they will). In spite of my being a hard ass I really do understand and appreciate your circumstance. I just didn't think you had ever thought things out completely and were thinking that a court could order this guy to be a dad, which they can't. ~AZ~ I know they can't order him to be a dad, and frankly, he doesnt deserve to be a dad but it gripes me that he can just walk away from a life like that. And it's just a crying shame that you can't beat him into submission... So I hit him once for making a inexcusable comment about his own son and now you think I have anger problems? I assure you I do not. Instead of sending support, or even sending a card or calling, he sits in a bar--I sware on my life he is in the bar 6-7 days a week--I think the bar he used to go to sundays is closed down now...Weekends he goes to bands, $5 and $4 a drink---then buys for his friends. It is sickening that he can do that and turn around and claim he has no money to pay child support. ~~Ronni It is sickening how many people can accept a woman punching a man in the mouth just because she's "only a woman". How many times have you done this to him? once How many times has your son witnessed your physical abuse of others? only ever happened once and that was between his father an dI and my son wasnt there Are you aware there are states where his witnessing such things is legally defined as child abuse? I dont have to worry about that. Have you sought out counseling for your anti-social behaviours...or are you convinced that yours are also a "medical condition"??? Nope. I dont have a condition I got mad once and acted on it before thinking about it. By the way, your "ex" probably won't take you up on your offer of "signing away" his CS responsibility because you *C*A*N* *N*O*T* sign away something the state says is owed to your child. Even if you did and kept your end of the deal, guess what would happen if you ever had to apply for any state aid for you and/or his (former) son? What, you want us to believe you're abusive AND ignorant? GEEEZZZZ you truly read more into things than there are I hit someone once and now im abusive----I'm willing to bet you never got mad in your life....;-) You never hit anything, not evena fly with a swatter ;-) ...no. I have never gotten angry and punched somebody in the face. Never done it under ANY condition. You insult our integrity when you compare swatting a fly with hitting another person in the face. It does compare. If me hitting my ex over an ignorant comment about my son can be compared to my raising my son then it can be compared to swatting a fly. And to set one thing straight, I will do anything for my children. I will stick of for my children to ANYONE who makes such comments about them, comments that would be hurtful toward them. Sure it wasnt the right thing to do, but its not right that he treats my son like this either. See, a fly buzzes around your head for a few minutes and you get irritated and swat it. So I got iritated and swatted my ex. ONE TIME I dont insult everyones integrity, if I were to insult anything it is your hatred toward someone in a situation simply because you read to much into it. ....to give a person more consideration than you'd give a fly, I doubt that it makes much difference WHO the person is. You smile each and every single day all day and all night no matter what problems are in your life ;-) Get a grip on life--He didn't even have a mark on his face--I can't believe that someone would judge someone else because they hit someone ONE time. People end up in jail for just that all the time. Yes they do, shall I send you a picture of us at the time. A 130 lb woman hitting a 230 lb man. I'm sure it hurt his ego more than anything. Just the same as a 150-pound man hitting a 300-pound woman? You think the difference in size will keep him out of jail? CLUE: it's not the size that would keep you out of jail - your get-out-of-jail-free card is your gender. It is a fact of how our legal system operates and it is WRONG. ignorant how? Ignorant because I was willing to let him sign away his rights? ignorant because what? Ignorant in thinking that the state would let you sign away your son's rights. Oh thats right, because im not an expert in the situation I am now ignorant. I don't know how it works, all I know is I asked him to do it. And you keep yapping about how he is such an ass for not doing it...quit yapping - you're wrong to consider it an option YOU can offer. Mel Gamble Mel Gamble Ronni Mel Gamble |
#322
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
You know this conversation is getting really anoying. I understand children
have problems, but I thought that his list was about child support. Sorry for my feelings. Angel "Ronni" wrote in message ... "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... Dealing with an ADHD/ODD child is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are correct in your statement that consistency is of key importance. In my classroom, I make it clear what choices are acceptable, and the consequences of both acceptable and unacceptable choices. If the child chooses outside of the acceptable area, the promised consequences will follow, as the night, the day. The idea is not punishment--it is to establish that choices bring predictable results--and it is to help the ADHD/ODD child begin to learn self discipline. I don't think that Ronni is punishing her son based on her anger. "Now you're making me mad, do you need a time out" seems to be the words she uses consistently to help him reevaluate his choices. In my classroom, I always say "I am not happy with your choices." This gives the child a chance to change his choice before the inevitable consequence falls. You mentioned in an earlier posting that environment plays a role in working with ADHD children. Of course it does. And it helps if everyone involved with the child in a supervisory way is on the same page and uses the same consequences. But even the best environment will not "cure" a truly ADHD/ODD child. The child still needs time to internalize the cpoing skills that will help him deal with his difficulties. One of the problems faced by those who are dealing with true ADHD children is the popularity of the term. I have had parents bring their little darling to my classroom, explaining that he is ADHD, but the doctor doesn't want to give him medicine. Then when the child acts up to the point that I bring the parents in, they say "But we *told* you he is ADHD!" As if that gives him leave to do anything he wants without no consequence. My boy hasn't established an understanding of consequences yet. He doesnt think ahead at the point where he is doing something he knows he shouldnt be or acting in a manner he shouldnt be .... while undergoing the consequence, say a time out or I unplug the playstation and put it away then he will say he didn't mean to not listen or he didnt mean to act that way. His doctor has been 'looking' (if you will) for the right medicine and dose for nearly a year. All the therapy hasn't seemed to teach him much (consequences for example is one thing we talk about alot because my son doesnt seem to understand the concept) Which, obviously, comes witht he implulsiveness of the ADHD. He is doing much better, now on 54mg of Concerta and 1/2 of a tablet of Clonidine, but he still isnt at the point that the school would call 'acceptable behavior'. We have worked our way through about 5 different doses of Ritalin, 1 dose of Adderall and I insisted he be taken off it immediatly as it made him act out more, and this is his 5th dose of Concerta. He was even on 45mg Concerta with 5mg of Ritalin until recently. When the doc added the Clonidine (Im working from memory here on that spelling) he said we will see till his next appointment how the Clonidine works and maybe add more Ritalin later. The dose of Concerta is already over the 'recommended' dose for my sons weight. I really dont think I will be agreeing to any additions of Ritalin with this dosage because, although I am not a doctor, I don't think it is safe. From the beginning I wasnt sure about medicating him because of the things I have learned about Ritalin. But the school seemed to insist on it and stick up for the results it could bring and here we are today. ADHD ODD is a long hard road for the child, parent(s), and anyone else involved. Medicated or unmedicated, in therapy or not in therapy, diagnosed or not diagnosed. I had problems with my sons behavior and attitude etc for 3 years before he was evaluated, and I NEVER heard of ADD, ADHD, or ODD until the school requested me to have him evaluated. Thanks for all your help TM. I plan on speaking with the school tomorrow. Although I expect to have a phone call by 9am since it is the first day back from vacation and a difference in the 'schedule' again. It seems he has 'off days' when their is a drastic change like that. Ronni Mel Gamble wrote in message ... So you admit ... Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... Yeah, right... Ronni wrote: "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... "Ronni" wrote in message ... "Bob Whiteside" wrote in message ink.net... "Ronni" wrote in message ... Just to clarify this girl I talked about from the beginning was with her babys dad for nearly 4 years. They met in high school and were together for quite a while, she thought he would be agood dad when she found out she was pregnant, you never truly know anyone until you live with them. The mistake she made was loving and trusting him. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first woman who has had a child out of wedlock to come in here and pretend you are a "friend" of the "mother." You know way too many details about your "friends" lover, her pregnancy, her child's challenges, and her child's current situation to be anything other than the real mother. It's time to quit paying the games and be honest about your situation. And admit you personally made some bad decisions about loving a man and trusting him until you became pregnant. The people here are very tolerant and supportive of men and women who find themselves in need of advice. Everyone here has done nothing but belittled me due to my opinions etc. If I came here asking for advice I would be told that I should have had an abortion--or I shouldve known the dad would not be there--Yes the situations is my own--So I have been called a slut, a child abuser and so on.... And yes I made very bad decisions when I was younger--as you said--loving and trusting a man that would never be there for his child. I have reasons for not stating the truth that I am the mother, ones you wouldnt understand. I haven't belittled you, Ronni, although I have questioned your knowledge of the child support system in general. I understand how difficult it must be for you to be raising an ADHD/ODD child on your own. I would guess that his problems may be fairly severe, since he was hospitalized at such a young age in an effort to find a diagnosis. There must be days when you wish you could just run away and hide. Especially with the misinformation out there that insists that better parenting would "cure" these children. My sons therapist--which is in one of the top offices in the area for this type of treatment--told me that my son has one of the worst cases of ADHD and ODD he has ever seen. He said if he had to guess he thinks my son would be in the top 2% for severity of symptoms. Sure there are times I wished I could run away and hide, but unlike my sons dad, I grin and bear it....(and ...or just punch him in the mouth? I bet you think nothing of a little verbal abuse like my daughter's mother throws at the two "handicapped" siblings. "Leave me the **** alone, you little retarded *******! Why don't you go live with your WONDERFUL father?" probably just rolls out of your mouth without you even thinking about it. "No environmental factors"...indeed. You have no idea, seriously. Come live here for a week or two. The most verbal abuse I give is 'If you don't (or do) this (or that) right now you will have a time out in the corner to think about what you have done' OR ************************************************** ***** 'Now you are making me mad, do you need a time out?' ************************************************** ***** ... junior gets punished based on YOUR emotions. He should only be disciplined based on his own actions and that discipline should be consistent REGARDLESS of your emotional state at the time. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents think they can get angry and lash out at their kids, then get all bent out of shape and ask the state for help when their kids do the same thing. or probably the worst is 'Get off that playstation right now'--- Real verbal abuse there.... It keeps becoming more and more apparent. AND if you are concerned about your daughters mother (which I am sure you are since you are so concerned about my parenting) then do something about it. Like spending of CS, the state has little concern with what happens to kids in the houses of those who possess them. Dont turn her story around and compare her to me. I would never say such things and if she asks 'Why don't you go live with your wonderful father' then why doesnt she? Dummy. It's just another hurtful way of punishing her when MOMMY gets mad - like your threats of "time out" when your boy makes YOU mad. I think you have so much anger in your own situation that you read into my situation (and others) the same anger and problems with your ex and your child(ren). No 2 situations are alike, and your exes is most definitly nothing like mine. The similarities are just beginning to emerge. I don't think anyone here would have guessed 2 weeks ago that you would admit to battery. Now you admit to basing your son's discipline on your own emotions at the time (I bet teach would agree with me that if the boy DOES have an emotional disorder, that's a sure way to send him the wrong message about how to handle those emotions). Let's just wait and see what else you let slip... Mel Gamble hope like hell one of these upcoming weekends my sister will babysit so I can get out alone) I havent even gone grocery shopping without my kids in years! LOL The problem is that the guy you had your child with does not want to be and never did want to be a father. You made a moral choice to have the child--and you defend that moral choice. He made a choice to not be a father to this child--you don't approve of or accept his choice. You see it as immoral in some way--he does not see it the same way. Just as some of the people here do not see the choice you made to raise the child alone as wise of moral. Nobody is going to change anyone else's mind, and each has a right to his own opinion. I do understand that the CS money would come in handy, but I get the impression that having dad's support and presence is much more important to you. Yes, the money would be very helpful in helping to pay for my sons meds. (he has asthma also) Bet he gasps every time you raise your hand an make a fist... Mel Gamble But it would be nice to see my son with his dad, like alot of father/sons do. I asked his dad last year to go with to a therapy session to help get an understanding of my sons illness, he wouldnt. When I aclled to tell him his son was inthe hospital, his mom, (yes he lievs at home) hung up on me...3 times!!! Since dad is obviously not much help day-to-day, do you have a support system set up? Do you have people in your life who will watch your child and give you time to yourself? Usually I get a sitter set up, my sister or my fiances sister, then I feel bad and tell them not to worry about coming over. You absolutely *need* to take time for yourself, both for your child's sake and for your own sake. Is the school implementing the IEP properly? There idea of IEP is when he has a bad day he will go to a special class with the other special children. It's very important to keep on top of this. There should be some sort of group in your area that could help you tap into the help you need as well as show you that you aern't alone in living with the difficulties of an ADHD/ODD child. I moved here from another part of the county last year. I don't know anyone except my boyfriends family and my sons teachers. Since I dont really go out its kind of hard getting to know anyone. I met a few people with my consulting for Princess House but that is kept pretty much consultant/hostess/guest relationship. I need to get out, LOL. |
#323
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
You know this conversation is getting really anoying. I understand children
have problems, but I thought that his list was about child support. Sorry for my feelings. Angel "Ronni" wrote in message ... "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... Dealing with an ADHD/ODD child is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are correct in your statement that consistency is of key importance. In my classroom, I make it clear what choices are acceptable, and the consequences of both acceptable and unacceptable choices. If the child chooses outside of the acceptable area, the promised consequences will follow, as the night, the day. The idea is not punishment--it is to establish that choices bring predictable results--and it is to help the ADHD/ODD child begin to learn self discipline. I don't think that Ronni is punishing her son based on her anger. "Now you're making me mad, do you need a time out" seems to be the words she uses consistently to help him reevaluate his choices. In my classroom, I always say "I am not happy with your choices." This gives the child a chance to change his choice before the inevitable consequence falls. You mentioned in an earlier posting that environment plays a role in working with ADHD children. Of course it does. And it helps if everyone involved with the child in a supervisory way is on the same page and uses the same consequences. But even the best environment will not "cure" a truly ADHD/ODD child. The child still needs time to internalize the cpoing skills that will help him deal with his difficulties. One of the problems faced by those who are dealing with true ADHD children is the popularity of the term. I have had parents bring their little darling to my classroom, explaining that he is ADHD, but the doctor doesn't want to give him medicine. Then when the child acts up to the point that I bring the parents in, they say "But we *told* you he is ADHD!" As if that gives him leave to do anything he wants without no consequence. My boy hasn't established an understanding of consequences yet. He doesnt think ahead at the point where he is doing something he knows he shouldnt be or acting in a manner he shouldnt be .... while undergoing the consequence, say a time out or I unplug the playstation and put it away then he will say he didn't mean to not listen or he didnt mean to act that way. His doctor has been 'looking' (if you will) for the right medicine and dose for nearly a year. All the therapy hasn't seemed to teach him much (consequences for example is one thing we talk about alot because my son doesnt seem to understand the concept) Which, obviously, comes witht he implulsiveness of the ADHD. He is doing much better, now on 54mg of Concerta and 1/2 of a tablet of Clonidine, but he still isnt at the point that the school would call 'acceptable behavior'. We have worked our way through about 5 different doses of Ritalin, 1 dose of Adderall and I insisted he be taken off it immediatly as it made him act out more, and this is his 5th dose of Concerta. He was even on 45mg Concerta with 5mg of Ritalin until recently. When the doc added the Clonidine (Im working from memory here on that spelling) he said we will see till his next appointment how the Clonidine works and maybe add more Ritalin later. The dose of Concerta is already over the 'recommended' dose for my sons weight. I really dont think I will be agreeing to any additions of Ritalin with this dosage because, although I am not a doctor, I don't think it is safe. From the beginning I wasnt sure about medicating him because of the things I have learned about Ritalin. But the school seemed to insist on it and stick up for the results it could bring and here we are today. ADHD ODD is a long hard road for the child, parent(s), and anyone else involved. Medicated or unmedicated, in therapy or not in therapy, diagnosed or not diagnosed. I had problems with my sons behavior and attitude etc for 3 years before he was evaluated, and I NEVER heard of ADD, ADHD, or ODD until the school requested me to have him evaluated. Thanks for all your help TM. I plan on speaking with the school tomorrow. Although I expect to have a phone call by 9am since it is the first day back from vacation and a difference in the 'schedule' again. It seems he has 'off days' when their is a drastic change like that. Ronni Mel Gamble wrote in message ... So you admit ... Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... Yeah, right... Ronni wrote: "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... "Ronni" wrote in message ... "Bob Whiteside" wrote in message ink.net... "Ronni" wrote in message ... Just to clarify this girl I talked about from the beginning was with her babys dad for nearly 4 years. They met in high school and were together for quite a while, she thought he would be agood dad when she found out she was pregnant, you never truly know anyone until you live with them. The mistake she made was loving and trusting him. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first woman who has had a child out of wedlock to come in here and pretend you are a "friend" of the "mother." You know way too many details about your "friends" lover, her pregnancy, her child's challenges, and her child's current situation to be anything other than the real mother. It's time to quit paying the games and be honest about your situation. And admit you personally made some bad decisions about loving a man and trusting him until you became pregnant. The people here are very tolerant and supportive of men and women who find themselves in need of advice. Everyone here has done nothing but belittled me due to my opinions etc. If I came here asking for advice I would be told that I should have had an abortion--or I shouldve known the dad would not be there--Yes the situations is my own--So I have been called a slut, a child abuser and so on.... And yes I made very bad decisions when I was younger--as you said--loving and trusting a man that would never be there for his child. I have reasons for not stating the truth that I am the mother, ones you wouldnt understand. I haven't belittled you, Ronni, although I have questioned your knowledge of the child support system in general. I understand how difficult it must be for you to be raising an ADHD/ODD child on your own. I would guess that his problems may be fairly severe, since he was hospitalized at such a young age in an effort to find a diagnosis. There must be days when you wish you could just run away and hide. Especially with the misinformation out there that insists that better parenting would "cure" these children. My sons therapist--which is in one of the top offices in the area for this type of treatment--told me that my son has one of the worst cases of ADHD and ODD he has ever seen. He said if he had to guess he thinks my son would be in the top 2% for severity of symptoms. Sure there are times I wished I could run away and hide, but unlike my sons dad, I grin and bear it....(and ...or just punch him in the mouth? I bet you think nothing of a little verbal abuse like my daughter's mother throws at the two "handicapped" siblings. "Leave me the **** alone, you little retarded *******! Why don't you go live with your WONDERFUL father?" probably just rolls out of your mouth without you even thinking about it. "No environmental factors"...indeed. You have no idea, seriously. Come live here for a week or two. The most verbal abuse I give is 'If you don't (or do) this (or that) right now you will have a time out in the corner to think about what you have done' OR ************************************************** ***** 'Now you are making me mad, do you need a time out?' ************************************************** ***** ... junior gets punished based on YOUR emotions. He should only be disciplined based on his own actions and that discipline should be consistent REGARDLESS of your emotional state at the time. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents think they can get angry and lash out at their kids, then get all bent out of shape and ask the state for help when their kids do the same thing. or probably the worst is 'Get off that playstation right now'--- Real verbal abuse there.... It keeps becoming more and more apparent. AND if you are concerned about your daughters mother (which I am sure you are since you are so concerned about my parenting) then do something about it. Like spending of CS, the state has little concern with what happens to kids in the houses of those who possess them. Dont turn her story around and compare her to me. I would never say such things and if she asks 'Why don't you go live with your wonderful father' then why doesnt she? Dummy. It's just another hurtful way of punishing her when MOMMY gets mad - like your threats of "time out" when your boy makes YOU mad. I think you have so much anger in your own situation that you read into my situation (and others) the same anger and problems with your ex and your child(ren). No 2 situations are alike, and your exes is most definitly nothing like mine. The similarities are just beginning to emerge. I don't think anyone here would have guessed 2 weeks ago that you would admit to battery. Now you admit to basing your son's discipline on your own emotions at the time (I bet teach would agree with me that if the boy DOES have an emotional disorder, that's a sure way to send him the wrong message about how to handle those emotions). Let's just wait and see what else you let slip... Mel Gamble hope like hell one of these upcoming weekends my sister will babysit so I can get out alone) I havent even gone grocery shopping without my kids in years! LOL The problem is that the guy you had your child with does not want to be and never did want to be a father. You made a moral choice to have the child--and you defend that moral choice. He made a choice to not be a father to this child--you don't approve of or accept his choice. You see it as immoral in some way--he does not see it the same way. Just as some of the people here do not see the choice you made to raise the child alone as wise of moral. Nobody is going to change anyone else's mind, and each has a right to his own opinion. I do understand that the CS money would come in handy, but I get the impression that having dad's support and presence is much more important to you. Yes, the money would be very helpful in helping to pay for my sons meds. (he has asthma also) Bet he gasps every time you raise your hand an make a fist... Mel Gamble But it would be nice to see my son with his dad, like alot of father/sons do. I asked his dad last year to go with to a therapy session to help get an understanding of my sons illness, he wouldnt. When I aclled to tell him his son was inthe hospital, his mom, (yes he lievs at home) hung up on me...3 times!!! Since dad is obviously not much help day-to-day, do you have a support system set up? Do you have people in your life who will watch your child and give you time to yourself? Usually I get a sitter set up, my sister or my fiances sister, then I feel bad and tell them not to worry about coming over. You absolutely *need* to take time for yourself, both for your child's sake and for your own sake. Is the school implementing the IEP properly? There idea of IEP is when he has a bad day he will go to a special class with the other special children. It's very important to keep on top of this. There should be some sort of group in your area that could help you tap into the help you need as well as show you that you aern't alone in living with the difficulties of an ADHD/ODD child. I moved here from another part of the county last year. I don't know anyone except my boyfriends family and my sons teachers. Since I dont really go out its kind of hard getting to know anyone. I met a few people with my consulting for Princess House but that is kept pretty much consultant/hostess/guest relationship. I need to get out, LOL. |
#324
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
That's an easy one...
Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... So you admit ... Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... Yeah, right... Ronni wrote: "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... "Ronni" wrote in message ... "Bob Whiteside" wrote in message ink.net... "Ronni" wrote in message ... Just to clarify this girl I talked about from the beginning was with her babys dad for nearly 4 years. They met in high school and were together for quite a while, she thought he would be agood dad when she found out she was pregnant, you never truly know anyone until you live with them. The mistake she made was loving and trusting him. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first woman who has had a child out of wedlock to come in here and pretend you are a "friend" of the "mother." You know way too many details about your "friends" lover, her pregnancy, her child's challenges, and her child's current situation to be anything other than the real mother. It's time to quit paying the games and be honest about your situation. And admit you personally made some bad decisions about loving a man and trusting him until you became pregnant. The people here are very tolerant and supportive of men and women who find themselves in need of advice. Everyone here has done nothing but belittled me due to my opinions etc. If I came here asking for advice I would be told that I should have had an abortion--or I shouldve known the dad would not be there--Yes the situations is my own--So I have been called a slut, a child abuser and so on.... And yes I made very bad decisions when I was younger--as you said--loving and trusting a man that would never be there for his child. I have reasons for not stating the truth that I am the mother, ones you wouldnt understand. I haven't belittled you, Ronni, although I have questioned your knowledge of the child support system in general. I understand how difficult it must be for you to be raising an ADHD/ODD child on your own. I would guess that his problems may be fairly severe, since he was hospitalized at such a young age in an effort to find a diagnosis. There must be days when you wish you could just run away and hide. Especially with the misinformation out there that insists that better parenting would "cure" these children. My sons therapist--which is in one of the top offices in the area for this type of treatment--told me that my son has one of the worst cases of ADHD and ODD he has ever seen. He said if he had to guess he thinks my son would be in the top 2% for severity of symptoms. Sure there are times I wished I could run away and hide, but unlike my sons dad, I grin and bear it....(and ...or just punch him in the mouth? I bet you think nothing of a little verbal abuse like my daughter's mother throws at the two "handicapped" siblings. "Leave me the **** alone, you little retarded *******! Why don't you go live with your WONDERFUL father?" probably just rolls out of your mouth without you even thinking about it. "No environmental factors"...indeed. You have no idea, seriously. Come live here for a week or two. The most verbal abuse I give is 'If you don't (or do) this (or that) right now you will have a time out in the corner to think about what you have done' OR ************************************************** ***** 'Now you are making me mad, do you need a time out?' ************************************************** ***** ... junior gets punished based on YOUR emotions. He should only be disciplined based on his own actions and that discipline should be consistent REGARDLESS of your emotional state at the time. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents think they can get angry and lash out at their kids, then get all bent out of shape and ask the state for help when their kids do the same thing. You are one of the most miserable people I have ever had the pleasure to discuss things with. If you tell your child 'Turn the playstation off now' and he keeps yelling NO and refuses to do it what would you say? (or do) ....playstation disappears for a period of time, exactly as he was warned it would. AND it disappears as a result of HIS actions, NOT *MY* state of irritation. You see, the difference is that YOUR state of irritation is not something your son has total control over - whether he is punished or simply yelled at could depend on whether some a**hole flipped you off in traffic coming home from the store, or any of a number of things that might contribute to your irritation. You can't teach kids to control THEIR actions unless the consequences they suffer are a RESULT of THEIR actions. Now you condone me for saying 'Now you are making me mad....' The word is "condemn" and, yes, I am condemning you for it. That is simply a way to show an ADHD ODD child that you are not kidding or joking around that you are serious. How is telling my child I am getting upset cosnidered 'angry and lashing out' Do you really want to know? Your child is seeing his punishment coming as a result of YOUR mental state. He can do something one time and only get yelled at. He can do the same thing another time and get ?? because YOU are more irritated the second time. The message becomes one of his punishment depending less on his actions - controllable by him - than one of his punishment depending on your state of mind, over which he has very little control. It takes the cause-and-effect relationship out of the bad-behavior-equals-punishment equation. If he can't see that relationship between his actions and punishment, there is little incentive to change his behavior. It's like laws and their enforcement. People know that if a cop clocks you breaking the law by exceeding the speed limit by 5 or 10 mph you're only likely to get a ticket if the cop has had a bad day - usually, you'll get by with it. People also know that if a cop sees you holding up a bank, you have effectively zero chance that it will be ignored. So just about everybody exceeds the speed limit at times, while very few people rob banks. And just in case you'd like to point out the difference in severity between the punishments for the two as the reason for this phenomenon, how do you explain the decline in speeding in areas where the punishment remains the same standard fine but the enforcement goes up? and furthermore what are you talking about 'ask the state for help'? I don't ask the state for help Who's paying for this "plan" you and Teachermama are discussing? Who is paying for the medical treatment for his "medical condition"? an dI dont 'lash' out, I simply state the truth to let him know that I am not joking it is time to turn off the playstation.... ************************************************** ******************* Let me guess you never told anyone you were mad or angry or upset. ************************************************** ******************* "someone" as in my own child? Sure I have. But I have never told her that it would be part of the determination of her punishment for a transgression - that would be telling her that losing her bike for two weeks was not a result of her riding in the road when she was required to stay on the sidewalk, but rather a result of me fighting rush-hour traffic to get to her house. Do you jut let your kids continue what they are doing after they defy you? I doubt it Of course not. I will tell her "stop doing x or y will happen. You know x is unsafe and against the rules" Once that is said, "y" WILL happen if she does "x" again, no matter how much I want to avoid "y". I have cancelled several activities we both were looking forward to, etc. or probably the worst is 'Get off that playstation right now'--- Real verbal abuse there.... It keeps becoming more and more apparent. OMG now I am verbally abusing my son for telling him to get off the playstation, Call the cops..... AND if you are concerned about your daughters mother (which I am sure you are since you are so concerned about my parenting) then do something about it. Like spending of CS, the state has little concern with what happens to kids in the houses of those who possess them. Oh quite the opposite....here Children and Youth services have a lot to say about what happens in a household. Although I am sure they wouldnt rip mys on fromm my custody for telling him to turn off the playstation.... You could provide him with nothing but a Ford van for a home and not lose him... You could punish him for things he hasn't done, tell him daily that he's nothing more than camel dung, etc. As long as there are no serious visible bruises, nothing will happen. Dont turn her story around and compare her to me. I would never say such things and if she asks 'Why don't you go live with your wonderful father' then why doesnt she? Dummy. It's just another hurtful way of punishing her when MOMMY gets mad - like your threats of "time out" when your boy makes YOU mad. HELLO!!! What world do you live in? When a child defies your they need to know it is wrong. And whether a child's actions are right or wrong has exactly how much to do with the parents mental state at the time of said actions??? Either the action is wrong - and should be dealt with in a previously-defined manner - or it is not wrong. The parent's mental state is a side issue over which the child will have only little control at most. ADHD ODD kids really take to heart a 'time out'. They don't like being in time out and therefore hopefully learn a lesson that when mom or dad tells them to get off the playstation, clean their room, get dressed, get a bath, eat supper, etc etc etc that they need to listen. That's fine. Why is it a worse violation of your rules if he continues to play if you are mad than it is if he continues to play when you are not mad? How is he supposed to adjust his behavior if the rightness or wrongness of it is dependent - even in part - on conditions over which he has no control? You are a piece of work. Would you like the numbers for the therapists my son sees so they can tell you how to implement the time out idea? Ever hear of 1-2-3 Magic?? I guess the guy who came up with that idea should be word bashed by the likes of you, too. Tell your son's therapists that he is more apt to be punished if you've had a bad day at work. Tell them that behaviors are considered "more bad" if you are mad than if you are happy. Tell them and see what they have to say... I think you have so much anger in your own situation that you read into my situation (and others) the same anger and problems with your ex and your child(ren). No 2 situations are alike, and your exes is most definitly nothing like mine. The similarities are just beginning to emerge. I don't think anyone here would have guessed 2 weeks ago that you would admit to battery. Now you admit to basing your son's discipline on your own emotions at the time (I bet teach would agree with me that if the boy DOES have an emotional disorder, that's a sure way to send him the wrong message about how to handle those emotions). Let's just wait and see what else you let slip... What I let slip? Giving a child a time out because they defy you is hardly letting anything slip? You need a reality check...again where did you get your psych degree because you read too much into things. You read things into comments of mine that arent there. Then why be so touchy? But one question, since I am not supposed to give my son a time out according to you, Where did I say that? I said you're not supposed to give him a time out because of YOU. when he refuses to get a bath etc etc what do you supposed I should do? Let him go? I don't think so. But please, I want your opinion, since Time out is abuse in your eyes...what would you do? I think I've given a pretty clear picture, but let's try a concrete example. When he refuses, you tell him "you have 15 minutes to be done with your bath and if you aren't clean it doesn't count. If you're not done in 15 minutes, you will lose your playstation for 1 week." Then you ignore him for 15 minutes. At the end of the 15 minutes, if he's clean, you can give him some small positive reward for good behavior. If he's not - playstation disappears for 1 week. Disappearance of the playstation is definite - it happens whether you're extra mad or not, it happens whether he's been bad at school that day or not, it happens whether it's the third time this week he's refused to bathe. It happens because you said it would if he didn't bathe and he didn't bathe. YOU made the rule - which is your job as the parent. HE was 100% in control of whether he got punished for violating it. The consequence of his actions is known and under his control. He has the incentive - and the ability - to avoid the consequence, since it depends totally on his own behavior. When you make it depend on something besides his own behavior, you take away his ability to control it, and therefore reduce his incentive to try. Mel Gamble Mel Gamble hope like hell one of these upcoming weekends my sister will babysit so I can get out alone) I havent even gone grocery shopping without my kids in years! LOL The problem is that the guy you had your child with does not want to be and never did want to be a father. You made a moral choice to have the child--and you defend that moral choice. He made a choice to not be a father to this child--you don't approve of or accept his choice. You see it as immoral in some way--he does not see it the same way. Just as some of the people here do not see the choice you made to raise the child alone as wise of moral. Nobody is going to change anyone else's mind, and each has a right to his own opinion. I do understand that the CS money would come in handy, but I get the impression that having dad's support and presence is much more important to you. Yes, the money would be very helpful in helping to pay for my sons meds. (he has asthma also) Bet he gasps every time you raise your hand an make a fist... Mel Gamble But it would be nice to see my son with his dad, like alot of father/sons do. I asked his dad last year to go with to a therapy session to help get an understanding of my sons illness, he wouldnt. When I aclled to tell him his son was inthe hospital, his mom, (yes he lievs at home) hung up on me...3 times!!! Since dad is obviously not much help day-to-day, do you have a support system set up? Do you have people in your life who will watch your child and give you time to yourself? Usually I get a sitter set up, my sister or my fiances sister, then I feel bad and tell them not to worry about coming over. You absolutely *need* to take time for yourself, both for your child's sake and for your own sake. Is the school implementing the IEP properly? There idea of IEP is when he has a bad day he will go to a special class with the other special children. It's very important to keep on top of this. There should be some sort of group in your area that could help you tap into the help you need as well as show you that you aern't alone in living with the difficulties of an ADHD/ODD child. I moved here from another part of the county last year. I don't know anyone except my boyfriends family and my sons teachers. Since I dont really go out its kind of hard getting to know anyone. I met a few people with my consulting for Princess House but that is kept pretty much consultant/hostess/guest relationship. I need to get out, LOL. |
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
That's an easy one...
Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... So you admit ... Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... Yeah, right... Ronni wrote: "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... "Ronni" wrote in message ... "Bob Whiteside" wrote in message ink.net... "Ronni" wrote in message ... Just to clarify this girl I talked about from the beginning was with her babys dad for nearly 4 years. They met in high school and were together for quite a while, she thought he would be agood dad when she found out she was pregnant, you never truly know anyone until you live with them. The mistake she made was loving and trusting him. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first woman who has had a child out of wedlock to come in here and pretend you are a "friend" of the "mother." You know way too many details about your "friends" lover, her pregnancy, her child's challenges, and her child's current situation to be anything other than the real mother. It's time to quit paying the games and be honest about your situation. And admit you personally made some bad decisions about loving a man and trusting him until you became pregnant. The people here are very tolerant and supportive of men and women who find themselves in need of advice. Everyone here has done nothing but belittled me due to my opinions etc. If I came here asking for advice I would be told that I should have had an abortion--or I shouldve known the dad would not be there--Yes the situations is my own--So I have been called a slut, a child abuser and so on.... And yes I made very bad decisions when I was younger--as you said--loving and trusting a man that would never be there for his child. I have reasons for not stating the truth that I am the mother, ones you wouldnt understand. I haven't belittled you, Ronni, although I have questioned your knowledge of the child support system in general. I understand how difficult it must be for you to be raising an ADHD/ODD child on your own. I would guess that his problems may be fairly severe, since he was hospitalized at such a young age in an effort to find a diagnosis. There must be days when you wish you could just run away and hide. Especially with the misinformation out there that insists that better parenting would "cure" these children. My sons therapist--which is in one of the top offices in the area for this type of treatment--told me that my son has one of the worst cases of ADHD and ODD he has ever seen. He said if he had to guess he thinks my son would be in the top 2% for severity of symptoms. Sure there are times I wished I could run away and hide, but unlike my sons dad, I grin and bear it....(and ...or just punch him in the mouth? I bet you think nothing of a little verbal abuse like my daughter's mother throws at the two "handicapped" siblings. "Leave me the **** alone, you little retarded *******! Why don't you go live with your WONDERFUL father?" probably just rolls out of your mouth without you even thinking about it. "No environmental factors"...indeed. You have no idea, seriously. Come live here for a week or two. The most verbal abuse I give is 'If you don't (or do) this (or that) right now you will have a time out in the corner to think about what you have done' OR ************************************************** ***** 'Now you are making me mad, do you need a time out?' ************************************************** ***** ... junior gets punished based on YOUR emotions. He should only be disciplined based on his own actions and that discipline should be consistent REGARDLESS of your emotional state at the time. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents think they can get angry and lash out at their kids, then get all bent out of shape and ask the state for help when their kids do the same thing. You are one of the most miserable people I have ever had the pleasure to discuss things with. If you tell your child 'Turn the playstation off now' and he keeps yelling NO and refuses to do it what would you say? (or do) ....playstation disappears for a period of time, exactly as he was warned it would. AND it disappears as a result of HIS actions, NOT *MY* state of irritation. You see, the difference is that YOUR state of irritation is not something your son has total control over - whether he is punished or simply yelled at could depend on whether some a**hole flipped you off in traffic coming home from the store, or any of a number of things that might contribute to your irritation. You can't teach kids to control THEIR actions unless the consequences they suffer are a RESULT of THEIR actions. Now you condone me for saying 'Now you are making me mad....' The word is "condemn" and, yes, I am condemning you for it. That is simply a way to show an ADHD ODD child that you are not kidding or joking around that you are serious. How is telling my child I am getting upset cosnidered 'angry and lashing out' Do you really want to know? Your child is seeing his punishment coming as a result of YOUR mental state. He can do something one time and only get yelled at. He can do the same thing another time and get ?? because YOU are more irritated the second time. The message becomes one of his punishment depending less on his actions - controllable by him - than one of his punishment depending on your state of mind, over which he has very little control. It takes the cause-and-effect relationship out of the bad-behavior-equals-punishment equation. If he can't see that relationship between his actions and punishment, there is little incentive to change his behavior. It's like laws and their enforcement. People know that if a cop clocks you breaking the law by exceeding the speed limit by 5 or 10 mph you're only likely to get a ticket if the cop has had a bad day - usually, you'll get by with it. People also know that if a cop sees you holding up a bank, you have effectively zero chance that it will be ignored. So just about everybody exceeds the speed limit at times, while very few people rob banks. And just in case you'd like to point out the difference in severity between the punishments for the two as the reason for this phenomenon, how do you explain the decline in speeding in areas where the punishment remains the same standard fine but the enforcement goes up? and furthermore what are you talking about 'ask the state for help'? I don't ask the state for help Who's paying for this "plan" you and Teachermama are discussing? Who is paying for the medical treatment for his "medical condition"? an dI dont 'lash' out, I simply state the truth to let him know that I am not joking it is time to turn off the playstation.... ************************************************** ******************* Let me guess you never told anyone you were mad or angry or upset. ************************************************** ******************* "someone" as in my own child? Sure I have. But I have never told her that it would be part of the determination of her punishment for a transgression - that would be telling her that losing her bike for two weeks was not a result of her riding in the road when she was required to stay on the sidewalk, but rather a result of me fighting rush-hour traffic to get to her house. Do you jut let your kids continue what they are doing after they defy you? I doubt it Of course not. I will tell her "stop doing x or y will happen. You know x is unsafe and against the rules" Once that is said, "y" WILL happen if she does "x" again, no matter how much I want to avoid "y". I have cancelled several activities we both were looking forward to, etc. or probably the worst is 'Get off that playstation right now'--- Real verbal abuse there.... It keeps becoming more and more apparent. OMG now I am verbally abusing my son for telling him to get off the playstation, Call the cops..... AND if you are concerned about your daughters mother (which I am sure you are since you are so concerned about my parenting) then do something about it. Like spending of CS, the state has little concern with what happens to kids in the houses of those who possess them. Oh quite the opposite....here Children and Youth services have a lot to say about what happens in a household. Although I am sure they wouldnt rip mys on fromm my custody for telling him to turn off the playstation.... You could provide him with nothing but a Ford van for a home and not lose him... You could punish him for things he hasn't done, tell him daily that he's nothing more than camel dung, etc. As long as there are no serious visible bruises, nothing will happen. Dont turn her story around and compare her to me. I would never say such things and if she asks 'Why don't you go live with your wonderful father' then why doesnt she? Dummy. It's just another hurtful way of punishing her when MOMMY gets mad - like your threats of "time out" when your boy makes YOU mad. HELLO!!! What world do you live in? When a child defies your they need to know it is wrong. And whether a child's actions are right or wrong has exactly how much to do with the parents mental state at the time of said actions??? Either the action is wrong - and should be dealt with in a previously-defined manner - or it is not wrong. The parent's mental state is a side issue over which the child will have only little control at most. ADHD ODD kids really take to heart a 'time out'. They don't like being in time out and therefore hopefully learn a lesson that when mom or dad tells them to get off the playstation, clean their room, get dressed, get a bath, eat supper, etc etc etc that they need to listen. That's fine. Why is it a worse violation of your rules if he continues to play if you are mad than it is if he continues to play when you are not mad? How is he supposed to adjust his behavior if the rightness or wrongness of it is dependent - even in part - on conditions over which he has no control? You are a piece of work. Would you like the numbers for the therapists my son sees so they can tell you how to implement the time out idea? Ever hear of 1-2-3 Magic?? I guess the guy who came up with that idea should be word bashed by the likes of you, too. Tell your son's therapists that he is more apt to be punished if you've had a bad day at work. Tell them that behaviors are considered "more bad" if you are mad than if you are happy. Tell them and see what they have to say... I think you have so much anger in your own situation that you read into my situation (and others) the same anger and problems with your ex and your child(ren). No 2 situations are alike, and your exes is most definitly nothing like mine. The similarities are just beginning to emerge. I don't think anyone here would have guessed 2 weeks ago that you would admit to battery. Now you admit to basing your son's discipline on your own emotions at the time (I bet teach would agree with me that if the boy DOES have an emotional disorder, that's a sure way to send him the wrong message about how to handle those emotions). Let's just wait and see what else you let slip... What I let slip? Giving a child a time out because they defy you is hardly letting anything slip? You need a reality check...again where did you get your psych degree because you read too much into things. You read things into comments of mine that arent there. Then why be so touchy? But one question, since I am not supposed to give my son a time out according to you, Where did I say that? I said you're not supposed to give him a time out because of YOU. when he refuses to get a bath etc etc what do you supposed I should do? Let him go? I don't think so. But please, I want your opinion, since Time out is abuse in your eyes...what would you do? I think I've given a pretty clear picture, but let's try a concrete example. When he refuses, you tell him "you have 15 minutes to be done with your bath and if you aren't clean it doesn't count. If you're not done in 15 minutes, you will lose your playstation for 1 week." Then you ignore him for 15 minutes. At the end of the 15 minutes, if he's clean, you can give him some small positive reward for good behavior. If he's not - playstation disappears for 1 week. Disappearance of the playstation is definite - it happens whether you're extra mad or not, it happens whether he's been bad at school that day or not, it happens whether it's the third time this week he's refused to bathe. It happens because you said it would if he didn't bathe and he didn't bathe. YOU made the rule - which is your job as the parent. HE was 100% in control of whether he got punished for violating it. The consequence of his actions is known and under his control. He has the incentive - and the ability - to avoid the consequence, since it depends totally on his own behavior. When you make it depend on something besides his own behavior, you take away his ability to control it, and therefore reduce his incentive to try. Mel Gamble Mel Gamble hope like hell one of these upcoming weekends my sister will babysit so I can get out alone) I havent even gone grocery shopping without my kids in years! LOL The problem is that the guy you had your child with does not want to be and never did want to be a father. You made a moral choice to have the child--and you defend that moral choice. He made a choice to not be a father to this child--you don't approve of or accept his choice. You see it as immoral in some way--he does not see it the same way. Just as some of the people here do not see the choice you made to raise the child alone as wise of moral. Nobody is going to change anyone else's mind, and each has a right to his own opinion. I do understand that the CS money would come in handy, but I get the impression that having dad's support and presence is much more important to you. Yes, the money would be very helpful in helping to pay for my sons meds. (he has asthma also) Bet he gasps every time you raise your hand an make a fist... Mel Gamble But it would be nice to see my son with his dad, like alot of father/sons do. I asked his dad last year to go with to a therapy session to help get an understanding of my sons illness, he wouldnt. When I aclled to tell him his son was inthe hospital, his mom, (yes he lievs at home) hung up on me...3 times!!! Since dad is obviously not much help day-to-day, do you have a support system set up? Do you have people in your life who will watch your child and give you time to yourself? Usually I get a sitter set up, my sister or my fiances sister, then I feel bad and tell them not to worry about coming over. You absolutely *need* to take time for yourself, both for your child's sake and for your own sake. Is the school implementing the IEP properly? There idea of IEP is when he has a bad day he will go to a special class with the other special children. It's very important to keep on top of this. There should be some sort of group in your area that could help you tap into the help you need as well as show you that you aern't alone in living with the difficulties of an ADHD/ODD child. I moved here from another part of the county last year. I don't know anyone except my boyfriends family and my sons teachers. Since I dont really go out its kind of hard getting to know anyone. I met a few people with my consulting for Princess House but that is kept pretty much consultant/hostess/guest relationship. I need to get out, LOL. |
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
Below...
TeacherMama wrote: Dealing with an ADHD/ODD child is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are correct in your statement that consistency is of key importance. In my classroom, I make it clear what choices are acceptable, and the consequences of both acceptable and unacceptable choices. If the child chooses outside of the acceptable area, the promised consequences will follow, as the night, the day. The idea is not punishment--it is to establish that choices bring predictable results--and it is to help the ADHD/ODD child begin to learn self discipline. I don't think that Ronni is punishing her son based on her anger. "Now you're making me mad, do you need a time out" seems to be the words she uses consistently to help him reevaluate his choices. But that makes the "acceptableness" of his actions dependent on whether mom is getting mad - makes his choices grey instead of black-and-white. It may not be a totally wrong thing for her to do, but it certainly makes it more difficult for the boy to see the cause-and-effect results of his actions and the consequences if they are "wrong" actions. In my classroom, I always say "I am not happy with your choices." This gives the child a chance to change his choice before the inevitable consequence falls. Why not "(child's name), do you think (whatever action) is a good choice or can you think of a more positive choice?" You mentioned in an earlier posting that environment plays a role in working with ADHD children. Of course it does. Not sure that I made that statement. What I did state was that I think WAY too many kids are displaying inappropriate behavior that is a reaction to environment - kids who would be displaying appropriate behavior if their environment was different - but being diagnosed as having a chemical problem that requires medication. I know this happens for a fact. I've watched a perfectly decent little boy's environment change drastically and within less than a year he was on "meds"...and mom was getting that extra "disability" check every month. And it helps if everyone involved with the child in a supervisory way is on the same page and uses the same consequences. But even the best environment will not "cure" a truly ADHD/ODD child. No argument there, just with the percentage of "diagnosed" ADHD/ODD cases that are a result of environment and the attempt at treating them by changing the kid instead of changing the environment. The child still needs time to internalize the cpoing skills that will help him deal with his difficulties. One of the problems faced by those who are dealing with true ADHD children is the popularity of the term. I have had parents bring their little darling to my classroom, explaining that he is ADHD, but the doctor doesn't want to give him medicine. Then when the child acts up to the point that I bring the parents in, they say "But we *told* you he is ADHD!" As if that gives him leave to do anything he wants without no consequence. That's what I'm trying to say. There are far too many adults ready to holler "ADHD" because it's much simpler to shove a pill down junior's throat twice a day than it is to go through the difficulty of changing his behavior by changing their own. Mel Gamble Mel Gamble wrote in message ... So you admit ... Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... Yeah, right... Ronni wrote: "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... "Ronni" wrote in message ... "Bob Whiteside" wrote in message ink.net... "Ronni" wrote in message ... Just to clarify this girl I talked about from the beginning was with her babys dad for nearly 4 years. They met in high school and were together for quite a while, she thought he would be agood dad when she found out she was pregnant, you never truly know anyone until you live with them. The mistake she made was loving and trusting him. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first woman who has had a child out of wedlock to come in here and pretend you are a "friend" of the "mother." You know way too many details about your "friends" lover, her pregnancy, her child's challenges, and her child's current situation to be anything other than the real mother. It's time to quit paying the games and be honest about your situation. And admit you personally made some bad decisions about loving a man and trusting him until you became pregnant. The people here are very tolerant and supportive of men and women who find themselves in need of advice. Everyone here has done nothing but belittled me due to my opinions etc. If I came here asking for advice I would be told that I should have had an abortion--or I shouldve known the dad would not be there--Yes the situations is my own--So I have been called a slut, a child abuser and so on.... And yes I made very bad decisions when I was younger--as you said--loving and trusting a man that would never be there for his child. I have reasons for not stating the truth that I am the mother, ones you wouldnt understand. I haven't belittled you, Ronni, although I have questioned your knowledge of the child support system in general. I understand how difficult it must be for you to be raising an ADHD/ODD child on your own. I would guess that his problems may be fairly severe, since he was hospitalized at such a young age in an effort to find a diagnosis. There must be days when you wish you could just run away and hide. Especially with the misinformation out there that insists that better parenting would "cure" these children. My sons therapist--which is in one of the top offices in the area for this type of treatment--told me that my son has one of the worst cases of ADHD and ODD he has ever seen. He said if he had to guess he thinks my son would be in the top 2% for severity of symptoms. Sure there are times I wished I could run away and hide, but unlike my sons dad, I grin and bear it....(and ...or just punch him in the mouth? I bet you think nothing of a little verbal abuse like my daughter's mother throws at the two "handicapped" siblings. "Leave me the **** alone, you little retarded *******! Why don't you go live with your WONDERFUL father?" probably just rolls out of your mouth without you even thinking about it. "No environmental factors"...indeed. You have no idea, seriously. Come live here for a week or two. The most verbal abuse I give is 'If you don't (or do) this (or that) right now you will have a time out in the corner to think about what you have done' OR ************************************************** ***** 'Now you are making me mad, do you need a time out?' ************************************************** ***** ... junior gets punished based on YOUR emotions. He should only be disciplined based on his own actions and that discipline should be consistent REGARDLESS of your emotional state at the time. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents think they can get angry and lash out at their kids, then get all bent out of shape and ask the state for help when their kids do the same thing. or probably the worst is 'Get off that playstation right now'--- Real verbal abuse there.... It keeps becoming more and more apparent. AND if you are concerned about your daughters mother (which I am sure you are since you are so concerned about my parenting) then do something about it. Like spending of CS, the state has little concern with what happens to kids in the houses of those who possess them. Dont turn her story around and compare her to me. I would never say such things and if she asks 'Why don't you go live with your wonderful father' then why doesnt she? Dummy. It's just another hurtful way of punishing her when MOMMY gets mad - like your threats of "time out" when your boy makes YOU mad. I think you have so much anger in your own situation that you read into my situation (and others) the same anger and problems with your ex and your child(ren). No 2 situations are alike, and your exes is most definitly nothing like mine. The similarities are just beginning to emerge. I don't think anyone here would have guessed 2 weeks ago that you would admit to battery. Now you admit to basing your son's discipline on your own emotions at the time (I bet teach would agree with me that if the boy DOES have an emotional disorder, that's a sure way to send him the wrong message about how to handle those emotions). Let's just wait and see what else you let slip... Mel Gamble hope like hell one of these upcoming weekends my sister will babysit so I can get out alone) I havent even gone grocery shopping without my kids in years! LOL The problem is that the guy you had your child with does not want to be and never did want to be a father. You made a moral choice to have the child--and you defend that moral choice. He made a choice to not be a father to this child--you don't approve of or accept his choice. You see it as immoral in some way--he does not see it the same way. Just as some of the people here do not see the choice you made to raise the child alone as wise of moral. Nobody is going to change anyone else's mind, and each has a right to his own opinion. I do understand that the CS money would come in handy, but I get the impression that having dad's support and presence is much more important to you. Yes, the money would be very helpful in helping to pay for my sons meds. (he has asthma also) Bet he gasps every time you raise your hand an make a fist... Mel Gamble But it would be nice to see my son with his dad, like alot of father/sons do. I asked his dad last year to go with to a therapy session to help get an understanding of my sons illness, he wouldnt. When I aclled to tell him his son was inthe hospital, his mom, (yes he lievs at home) hung up on me...3 times!!! Since dad is obviously not much help day-to-day, do you have a support system set up? Do you have people in your life who will watch your child and give you time to yourself? Usually I get a sitter set up, my sister or my fiances sister, then I feel bad and tell them not to worry about coming over. You absolutely *need* to take time for yourself, both for your child's sake and for your own sake. Is the school implementing the IEP properly? There idea of IEP is when he has a bad day he will go to a special class with the other special children. It's very important to keep on top of this. There should be some sort of group in your area that could help you tap into the help you need as well as show you that you aern't alone in living with the difficulties of an ADHD/ODD child. I moved here from another part of the county last year. I don't know anyone except my boyfriends family and my sons teachers. Since I dont really go out its kind of hard getting to know anyone. I met a few people with my consulting for Princess House but that is kept pretty much consultant/hostess/guest relationship. I need to get out, LOL. |
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
Below...
TeacherMama wrote: Dealing with an ADHD/ODD child is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are correct in your statement that consistency is of key importance. In my classroom, I make it clear what choices are acceptable, and the consequences of both acceptable and unacceptable choices. If the child chooses outside of the acceptable area, the promised consequences will follow, as the night, the day. The idea is not punishment--it is to establish that choices bring predictable results--and it is to help the ADHD/ODD child begin to learn self discipline. I don't think that Ronni is punishing her son based on her anger. "Now you're making me mad, do you need a time out" seems to be the words she uses consistently to help him reevaluate his choices. But that makes the "acceptableness" of his actions dependent on whether mom is getting mad - makes his choices grey instead of black-and-white. It may not be a totally wrong thing for her to do, but it certainly makes it more difficult for the boy to see the cause-and-effect results of his actions and the consequences if they are "wrong" actions. In my classroom, I always say "I am not happy with your choices." This gives the child a chance to change his choice before the inevitable consequence falls. Why not "(child's name), do you think (whatever action) is a good choice or can you think of a more positive choice?" You mentioned in an earlier posting that environment plays a role in working with ADHD children. Of course it does. Not sure that I made that statement. What I did state was that I think WAY too many kids are displaying inappropriate behavior that is a reaction to environment - kids who would be displaying appropriate behavior if their environment was different - but being diagnosed as having a chemical problem that requires medication. I know this happens for a fact. I've watched a perfectly decent little boy's environment change drastically and within less than a year he was on "meds"...and mom was getting that extra "disability" check every month. And it helps if everyone involved with the child in a supervisory way is on the same page and uses the same consequences. But even the best environment will not "cure" a truly ADHD/ODD child. No argument there, just with the percentage of "diagnosed" ADHD/ODD cases that are a result of environment and the attempt at treating them by changing the kid instead of changing the environment. The child still needs time to internalize the cpoing skills that will help him deal with his difficulties. One of the problems faced by those who are dealing with true ADHD children is the popularity of the term. I have had parents bring their little darling to my classroom, explaining that he is ADHD, but the doctor doesn't want to give him medicine. Then when the child acts up to the point that I bring the parents in, they say "But we *told* you he is ADHD!" As if that gives him leave to do anything he wants without no consequence. That's what I'm trying to say. There are far too many adults ready to holler "ADHD" because it's much simpler to shove a pill down junior's throat twice a day than it is to go through the difficulty of changing his behavior by changing their own. Mel Gamble Mel Gamble wrote in message ... So you admit ... Ronni wrote: "Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... Yeah, right... Ronni wrote: "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... "Ronni" wrote in message ... "Bob Whiteside" wrote in message ink.net... "Ronni" wrote in message ... Just to clarify this girl I talked about from the beginning was with her babys dad for nearly 4 years. They met in high school and were together for quite a while, she thought he would be agood dad when she found out she was pregnant, you never truly know anyone until you live with them. The mistake she made was loving and trusting him. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first woman who has had a child out of wedlock to come in here and pretend you are a "friend" of the "mother." You know way too many details about your "friends" lover, her pregnancy, her child's challenges, and her child's current situation to be anything other than the real mother. It's time to quit paying the games and be honest about your situation. And admit you personally made some bad decisions about loving a man and trusting him until you became pregnant. The people here are very tolerant and supportive of men and women who find themselves in need of advice. Everyone here has done nothing but belittled me due to my opinions etc. If I came here asking for advice I would be told that I should have had an abortion--or I shouldve known the dad would not be there--Yes the situations is my own--So I have been called a slut, a child abuser and so on.... And yes I made very bad decisions when I was younger--as you said--loving and trusting a man that would never be there for his child. I have reasons for not stating the truth that I am the mother, ones you wouldnt understand. I haven't belittled you, Ronni, although I have questioned your knowledge of the child support system in general. I understand how difficult it must be for you to be raising an ADHD/ODD child on your own. I would guess that his problems may be fairly severe, since he was hospitalized at such a young age in an effort to find a diagnosis. There must be days when you wish you could just run away and hide. Especially with the misinformation out there that insists that better parenting would "cure" these children. My sons therapist--which is in one of the top offices in the area for this type of treatment--told me that my son has one of the worst cases of ADHD and ODD he has ever seen. He said if he had to guess he thinks my son would be in the top 2% for severity of symptoms. Sure there are times I wished I could run away and hide, but unlike my sons dad, I grin and bear it....(and ...or just punch him in the mouth? I bet you think nothing of a little verbal abuse like my daughter's mother throws at the two "handicapped" siblings. "Leave me the **** alone, you little retarded *******! Why don't you go live with your WONDERFUL father?" probably just rolls out of your mouth without you even thinking about it. "No environmental factors"...indeed. You have no idea, seriously. Come live here for a week or two. The most verbal abuse I give is 'If you don't (or do) this (or that) right now you will have a time out in the corner to think about what you have done' OR ************************************************** ***** 'Now you are making me mad, do you need a time out?' ************************************************** ***** ... junior gets punished based on YOUR emotions. He should only be disciplined based on his own actions and that discipline should be consistent REGARDLESS of your emotional state at the time. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents think they can get angry and lash out at their kids, then get all bent out of shape and ask the state for help when their kids do the same thing. or probably the worst is 'Get off that playstation right now'--- Real verbal abuse there.... It keeps becoming more and more apparent. AND if you are concerned about your daughters mother (which I am sure you are since you are so concerned about my parenting) then do something about it. Like spending of CS, the state has little concern with what happens to kids in the houses of those who possess them. Dont turn her story around and compare her to me. I would never say such things and if she asks 'Why don't you go live with your wonderful father' then why doesnt she? Dummy. It's just another hurtful way of punishing her when MOMMY gets mad - like your threats of "time out" when your boy makes YOU mad. I think you have so much anger in your own situation that you read into my situation (and others) the same anger and problems with your ex and your child(ren). No 2 situations are alike, and your exes is most definitly nothing like mine. The similarities are just beginning to emerge. I don't think anyone here would have guessed 2 weeks ago that you would admit to battery. Now you admit to basing your son's discipline on your own emotions at the time (I bet teach would agree with me that if the boy DOES have an emotional disorder, that's a sure way to send him the wrong message about how to handle those emotions). Let's just wait and see what else you let slip... Mel Gamble hope like hell one of these upcoming weekends my sister will babysit so I can get out alone) I havent even gone grocery shopping without my kids in years! LOL The problem is that the guy you had your child with does not want to be and never did want to be a father. You made a moral choice to have the child--and you defend that moral choice. He made a choice to not be a father to this child--you don't approve of or accept his choice. You see it as immoral in some way--he does not see it the same way. Just as some of the people here do not see the choice you made to raise the child alone as wise of moral. Nobody is going to change anyone else's mind, and each has a right to his own opinion. I do understand that the CS money would come in handy, but I get the impression that having dad's support and presence is much more important to you. Yes, the money would be very helpful in helping to pay for my sons meds. (he has asthma also) Bet he gasps every time you raise your hand an make a fist... Mel Gamble But it would be nice to see my son with his dad, like alot of father/sons do. I asked his dad last year to go with to a therapy session to help get an understanding of my sons illness, he wouldnt. When I aclled to tell him his son was inthe hospital, his mom, (yes he lievs at home) hung up on me...3 times!!! Since dad is obviously not much help day-to-day, do you have a support system set up? Do you have people in your life who will watch your child and give you time to yourself? Usually I get a sitter set up, my sister or my fiances sister, then I feel bad and tell them not to worry about coming over. You absolutely *need* to take time for yourself, both for your child's sake and for your own sake. Is the school implementing the IEP properly? There idea of IEP is when he has a bad day he will go to a special class with the other special children. It's very important to keep on top of this. There should be some sort of group in your area that could help you tap into the help you need as well as show you that you aern't alone in living with the difficulties of an ADHD/ODD child. I moved here from another part of the county last year. I don't know anyone except my boyfriends family and my sons teachers. Since I dont really go out its kind of hard getting to know anyone. I met a few people with my consulting for Princess House but that is kept pretty much consultant/hostess/guest relationship. I need to get out, LOL. |
#328
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
"Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... If you see no reason... snip ...to give a person more consideration than you'd give a fly, I doubt that it makes much difference WHO the person is. Once again you blow things out of proportion. You act as though you have never gotten mad, upset or angered with anyone in your life. I was simply demonstrating that in fact you did, because everyone does at one point or another. You smile each and every single day all day and all night no matter what problems are in your life ;-) Get a grip on life--He didn't even have a mark on his face--I can't believe that someone would judge someone else because they hit someone ONE time. People end up in jail for just that all the time. Yes they do, shall I send you a picture of us at the time. A 130 lb woman hitting a 230 lb man. I'm sure it hurt his ego more than anything. Just the same as a 150-pound man hitting a 300-pound woman? You think the difference in size will keep him out of jail? CLUE: it's not the size that would keep you out of jail - your get-out-of-jail-free card is your gender. It is a fact of how our legal system operates and it is WRONG. I didn't have a get out of jail free card....Have you ever noticed when a man hits woman there is generally a mark of some sort left behind? Let me explain further...men are generally stronger than women. LET ME STRESS I SAID GENERALLY He had no mark on him....and besides around here we don't run to the cops for every little problem we have. I don't know what fantasy land you live in but here if we called the cops for every little thing that went wrong, every little push and shove, the state would be paying them overtime constantly. ignorant how? Ignorant because I was willing to let him sign away his rights? ignorant because what? Ignorant in thinking that the state would let you sign away your son's rights. Oh thats right, because im not an expert in the situation I am now ignorant. I don't know how it works, all I know is I asked him to do it. And you keep yapping about how he is such an ass for not doing it...quit yapping - you're wrong to consider it an option YOU can offer. So I am wrong?....fine, but AT LEAST I offered it to him as something I would be willing to do.....you complained how many post ago that women have this right to deny the father to sign his rights away, but now that I tell you I offered it to him it is a whole different story. I am sure that if he would have agreed we could have found a way to make it happen. He probably would have simply had to pay his back support up to date....but I am sure you have something to say about that too.....Ronni Mel Gamble Mel Gamble Ronni Mel Gamble |
#329
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
"Mel Gamble" wrote in message ... If you see no reason... snip ...to give a person more consideration than you'd give a fly, I doubt that it makes much difference WHO the person is. Once again you blow things out of proportion. You act as though you have never gotten mad, upset or angered with anyone in your life. I was simply demonstrating that in fact you did, because everyone does at one point or another. You smile each and every single day all day and all night no matter what problems are in your life ;-) Get a grip on life--He didn't even have a mark on his face--I can't believe that someone would judge someone else because they hit someone ONE time. People end up in jail for just that all the time. Yes they do, shall I send you a picture of us at the time. A 130 lb woman hitting a 230 lb man. I'm sure it hurt his ego more than anything. Just the same as a 150-pound man hitting a 300-pound woman? You think the difference in size will keep him out of jail? CLUE: it's not the size that would keep you out of jail - your get-out-of-jail-free card is your gender. It is a fact of how our legal system operates and it is WRONG. I didn't have a get out of jail free card....Have you ever noticed when a man hits woman there is generally a mark of some sort left behind? Let me explain further...men are generally stronger than women. LET ME STRESS I SAID GENERALLY He had no mark on him....and besides around here we don't run to the cops for every little problem we have. I don't know what fantasy land you live in but here if we called the cops for every little thing that went wrong, every little push and shove, the state would be paying them overtime constantly. ignorant how? Ignorant because I was willing to let him sign away his rights? ignorant because what? Ignorant in thinking that the state would let you sign away your son's rights. Oh thats right, because im not an expert in the situation I am now ignorant. I don't know how it works, all I know is I asked him to do it. And you keep yapping about how he is such an ass for not doing it...quit yapping - you're wrong to consider it an option YOU can offer. So I am wrong?....fine, but AT LEAST I offered it to him as something I would be willing to do.....you complained how many post ago that women have this right to deny the father to sign his rights away, but now that I tell you I offered it to him it is a whole different story. I am sure that if he would have agreed we could have found a way to make it happen. He probably would have simply had to pay his back support up to date....but I am sure you have something to say about that too.....Ronni Mel Gamble Mel Gamble Ronni Mel Gamble |
#330
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Choices, choices, choices -- but only for women
"Gini" wrote in message ... "Ronni" wrote in message ... "TeacherMama" wrote in message om... Dealing with an ADHD/ODD child is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are correct in your statement that consistency is of key importance. In my classroom, I make it clear what choices are acceptable, and the consequences of both acceptable and unacceptable choices. If the child chooses outside of the acceptable area, the promised consequences will follow, as the night, the day. The idea is not punishment--it is to establish that choices bring predictable results--and it is to help the ADHD/ODD child begin to learn self discipline. I don't think that Ronni is punishing her son based on her anger. "Now you're making me mad, do you need a time out" seems to be the words she uses consistently to help him reevaluate his choices. In my classroom, I always say "I am not happy with your choices." This gives the child a chance to change his choice before the inevitable consequence falls. You mentioned in an earlier posting that environment plays a role in working with ADHD children. Of course it does. And it helps if everyone involved with the child in a supervisory way is on the same page and uses the same consequences. But even the best environment will not "cure" a truly ADHD/ODD child. The child still needs time to internalize the cpoing skills that will help him deal with his difficulties. One of the problems faced by those who are dealing with true ADHD children is the popularity of the term. I have had parents bring their little darling to my classroom, explaining that he is ADHD, but the doctor doesn't want to give him medicine. Then when the child acts up to the point that I bring the parents in, they say "But we *told* you he is ADHD!" As if that gives him leave to do anything he wants without no consequence. My boy hasn't established an understanding of consequences yet. He doesnt think ahead at the point where he is doing something he knows he shouldnt be or acting in a manner he shouldnt be .... while undergoing the consequence, == Ronnie, Please ask your doctor whether he/she thinks Zyprexa would be worth a trial for your son. It is the only medicine my oldest son has been on that has really helped him. I call it our "miracle med." He has rapid-cycling bi-polar disorder--Zyprexa has stabilized his moods such that he is capable of having a "normal" day. He is now 24 but had a lot of your son's symptoms when younger (ODD/impulse control--that we now know had the physiological base of bi-polar). He was/is extremely intelligent, well spoken with no ADD/Hyperactivity. Because of that, he slipped through a lot of cracks. If he had been put on Zyprexa when he was younger, I believe we all would have had a very different life. Too, sometimes a child's true behavior/personality gets lost under so many meds and kids change a lot when they are in elementary school. What was appropriate one year, may work very differently the next. Hang in there. I know how incredibly difficult it is to live with a challenging child. TM seems to have a very good handle on the educational issues--wish we had her in my son's schools. They really had no idea how to deal with challenging kids. You can email me at ginih at jlink dot net to let me know what the doc says about Zyprexa. == Thanks Gini, I will ask at his next visit. I believe it is around the 15th...I appreciate it. Ronni |
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