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#331
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pregnant 17 year old
Actually, (and seriously), he should check into alt.support.step-parents.
It's a really good group with a lot of people who can give a realistic assessment and advice on this. Banty, that might be a good suggestion for others, but you obviously don't know our man Chris here. A group like alt.support.step-parents would be where someone would go if they didn't know what to do, if they weren't sure what was going on, and if they were looking for the knowledge and experience of others to help guide their actions. Chris, on the other hand, already knows everything about his situation and all his actions have been perfect. He doesn't need an internet group to help him, he needs an internet group to hear him expound on how perfect and knowledgeable he has been in every way, and how screwed up everyone else is compared to him. |
#332
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pregnant 17 year old
In article . com, alath says...
Actually, (and seriously), he should check into alt.support.step-parents. It's a really good group with a lot of people who can give a realistic assessment and advice on this. Banty, that might be a good suggestion for others, but you obviously don't know our man Chris here. A group like alt.support.step-parents would be where someone would go if they didn't know what to do, if they weren't sure what was going on, and if they were looking for the knowledge and experience of others to help guide their actions. Oh, people go there playing "ain't it awful" all the time and get tough love in return. Chris, on the other hand, already knows everything about his situation and all his actions have been perfect. He doesn't need an internet group to help him, he needs an internet group to hear him expound on how perfect and knowledgeable he has been in every way, and how screwed up everyone else is compared to him. That's not so unusual. Haven't you noticed. Until (and unless) folks get a realistic grip on their situation, it's all about the terrible ex, the awful steps, the hideous inlaws. Folks going in hope that they'll be validated and patted on their backs, be told just how to juicily tell off the ex, what heretofore unknown legal twist can let them jettison all responsibilities except what they want to cozy up in their new love nest with. And get instead, some real-talking about how to deal with the situations they've bought into and created. Chris's desire to boot out the step kid(s) and nestle up with just he and the new wife isn't unique, unfortunately. Banty |
#333
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pregnant 17 year old
In article 1fj4f.2045$UF4.1312@fed1read02, Chris says...
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article , Ericka Kammerer says... Chris wrote: "Circe" wrote in message Unless and until you BOTH deal with the problems her daughter is having in a healthy and bipartisan (sorry, listening to political news reports this morning and can't think of a better word) way, the daughter could disappear tomorrow but the problems would just manifest in another way. Not the problems that her daughter is creating, because they would be gone. If you believe that, you are seriously delusional. Your daughter could walk out the door tomorrow and never return or contact either of you, and the repercussions of her issues and your (plural) response to situations involving her will continue, if not escalate. In fact, you'd better hope she doesn't do that before you reach some sort of meeting of the minds with your wife, or you may lose the opportunity to do so forever. Right. Chris - do you honestly beleive that you could kick your step-daughter out the day she turns 18, and all you'll need to do is to "console (your) crying wife" for a while, then all will be hunky-dory after that? You were responding to someone else's post. Anyway, the answer to your question is no. Then what *is* your plan, including how you and your wife come to terms with what happens? Banty |
#334
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pregnant 17 year old
"Circe" wrote in message news:udu4f.2087$UF4.1711@fed1read02... "Chris" wrote in message news:hTb4f.1927$UF4.128@fed1read02... "Circe" wrote in message news:tAQ3f.1708$UF4.456@fed1read02... "Chris" wrote in message news:J3H3f.1663$UF4.1053@fed1read02... "Circe" wrote in message news:8pz3f.1605$UF4.683@fed1read02... "Chris" wrote in message news:ysy3f.1583$UF4.14@fed1read02... "Circe" wrote in message news:Vdv3f.1442$UF4.1020@fed1read02... "Chris" wrote in message news:Bxl3f.1413$UF4.274@fed1read02... She is wrong. Her covenant is NOT with her daughter, it is with ME! You don't believe that bringing a child into the world is a de facto covenant on the part of the parent to support, care for, and rasie that child? No, I don't. The child made no commitment. From Wikipedia: "Covenant, in its most general sense, is a word for a solemn contract or similar undertaking." A parent enters into a very solemn contract to support and raise any child to which he/she gives life. Whether the child makes any commitment is irrelevant. That all depends on what the word "contract" means to you. The other party in the "contract" in this case isn't the CHILD; it's the state. By birthing the child and not ceding his/her parental rights to another party through adoption has made a de facto agreement with the state (not the child) to support and raise that child. The fact that the CHILD isn't the other party in the agreement doesn't make it any less a contractual agreement. (Contracts don't have to be written on paper and signed, either. Just in case you were going to make that argument.) The law agrees with me. Try to find any legal resource that states parents have NO legal obligations to their minor children. You won't. Did you find any legal resources that stated parents did not have legal obligations to their minor children? Didn't think so... I found no law stating that you do not have to give me your house. Now you're just being silly. Of course; counterexamples are always silly. And, in point of fact, there are several perfectly good laws that state just this. Start with the Constitution's prohibition upon depriving another person of his life, property, or liberty without due process of law. Go from there. Of course, if you can get a judge to state that I must give you my house after due process of law, then I'd have to give it to you. Still no law. What's your point? My point is that a parent has binding legal responsibilities to her child, and if she fails to fulfill them, she can wind up paying a fine or even going to jail. Just because the child didn't stand before a justice of the peace and make some promise in return doesn't make the responsibilities of the parent any less real or binding. The fact of the matter remains that your wife's choice to make a covenant with YOU did not in any way abrogate or override the promise she made What promise? The promise she made to support and raise her minor child. Then you misunderstand the concept of "marriage". You're saying that having married YOU, your wife was no longer responsible to raise her minor child. No I'm not. I think it's YOU who misunderstands the concept of "marriage", not me. You're right. My wife is actually married to her daughter. and the legal responsibilities she accepted when she gave birth to her daughter and chose not to cede her parental rights to adoptive parents. (Your stepdaughter's biological father has the same obligations, of course, but apparently he's like you: he doesn't think he should have to follow through on them. Maybe your wife managed to marry the same guy twice?) Last I checked, her daughter had different DNA than me. Guess I'm not the same guy. Are you really obtuse, or just being argumentative? I MEANT that I think both you and her ex-husband are apparently guys who don't think much of parental obligations to children. I MEANT that it seems to me that your wife chose two different men who apparently share a similar character flaw. I knew exactly what you meant. You were grouping the father and me together. Problem with that is we are two different individuals in two totally different positions. Or does that not matter to you? I see, you're just being argumentative. But then, that's been pretty clear all along... Nice red herring. -- Be well, Barbara |
#335
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pregnant 17 year old
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article 1fj4f.2045$UF4.1312@fed1read02, Chris says... "Banty" wrote in message ... In article , Ericka Kammerer says... Chris wrote: "Circe" wrote in message Unless and until you BOTH deal with the problems her daughter is having in a healthy and bipartisan (sorry, listening to political news reports this morning and can't think of a better word) way, the daughter could disappear tomorrow but the problems would just manifest in another way. Not the problems that her daughter is creating, because they would be gone. If you believe that, you are seriously delusional. Your daughter could walk out the door tomorrow and never return or contact either of you, and the repercussions of her issues and your (plural) response to situations involving her will continue, if not escalate. In fact, you'd better hope she doesn't do that before you reach some sort of meeting of the minds with your wife, or you may lose the opportunity to do so forever. Right. Chris - do you honestly beleive that you could kick your step-daughter out the day she turns 18, and all you'll need to do is to "console (your) crying wife" for a while, then all will be hunky-dory after that? You were responding to someone else's post. Anyway, the answer to your question is no. Then what *is* your plan, including how you and your wife come to terms with what happens? My plan is to protect my marriage and home. It is irrelevant WHO is levying the assault. As for the stepdaughter, her living in this home is conditional just as it is conditional for me. My wife will decide whether or not she will fight me on this. Banty |
#336
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pregnant 17 year old
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article . com, alath says... Actually, (and seriously), he should check into alt.support.step-parents. It's a really good group with a lot of people who can give a realistic assessment and advice on this. Banty, that might be a good suggestion for others, but you obviously don't know our man Chris here. A group like alt.support.step-parents would be where someone would go if they didn't know what to do, if they weren't sure what was going on, and if they were looking for the knowledge and experience of others to help guide their actions. Oh, people go there playing "ain't it awful" all the time and get tough love in return. Chris, on the other hand, already knows everything about his situation and all his actions have been perfect. He doesn't need an internet group to help him, he needs an internet group to hear him expound on how perfect and knowledgeable he has been in every way, and how screwed up everyone else is compared to him. That's not so unusual. Haven't you noticed. Until (and unless) folks get a realistic grip on their situation, it's all about the terrible ex, the awful steps, the hideous inlaws. Folks going in hope that they'll be validated and patted on their backs, be told just how to juicily tell off the ex, what heretofore unknown legal twist can let them jettison all responsibilities except what they want to cozy up in their new love nest with. And get instead, some real-talking about how to deal with the situations they've bought into and created. Chris's desire to boot out the step kid(s) NOT my desire. and nestle up with just he and the new wife isn't unique, unfortunately. Just curious: how effective can an advisor be when they aren't even willing to pay attention to what's said? Banty |
#337
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pregnant 17 year old
"alath" wrote in message ups.com... Actually, (and seriously), he should check into alt.support.step-parents. It's a really good group with a lot of people who can give a realistic assessment and advice on this. Banty, that might be a good suggestion for others, but you obviously don't know our man Chris here. A group like alt.support.step-parents would be where someone would go if they didn't know what to do, if they weren't sure what was going on, and if they were looking for the knowledge and experience of others to help guide their actions. Chris, on the other hand, already knows everything about his situation I certainly know a whole lot more about my situation than YOU do! and all his actions have been perfect. He doesn't need an internet group to help him, he needs an internet group to hear him expound on how perfect and knowledgeable he has been in every way, and how screwed up everyone else is compared to him. |
#338
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pregnant 17 year old
Chris wrote:
"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message ... But you're doing plenty of communicating. You don't necessarily have to talk for your wife to get the message. But yet my communication with her is "seriously flawed". Yes, because communication is more than issuing orders and whining when they're not followed. Okay, you do now. Why is it that you aren't contacting any today? Because doing so would waste valuable time otherwise alloted to the handling of my responsibilities, AND I would be spinning my wheels. Ah, yes, the classic story of the ineffective person: "Well, it wouldn't have worked if I'd done it anyway." I see, reputations have no meaning. Would it be more accurate for me to say that it would "probably"......? You can put in any qualifiers you like. You and your wife haven't done your job until you have turned over every stone and followed every lead that holds out some promise. You've ignored realistic options for years and years and continue to do so. *MOST* teens in your daughter's situation aren't going to trot off obediently to some kind of program that will help them. That doesn't stop other parents from getting effective help (without landing in jail). So, all your whining about how your daughter says she isn't interested and it's not legal for you do do anything about it falls pretty flat with me. The story aint' over. Even so, what's more important than doing what works is doing what's proper. Care to tell me what would have been improper about getting your daughter into a residential program designed to deal with her issues BEFORE there was a baby to deal with? It was important then. It's even more appointment now, and you keep on frittering time away. Eventually, you will have frittered all your time away and you really won't have much left in the way of options that actually give your daughter a fighting chance. But apparently that doesn't bother you. Well, if you choose to see it that way, so be it. But even in that case, if you give anything more than lip service to your much ballyhooed "covenant,' you'd be on the hook to work together with your wife to find an effective solution to your problems. (In addition, if the marriage convenant meant anything to you, you would see your wife's obligations to her daughter as your own, and you would take them as seriously and as lovingly as she should.) I have no obligations to her let alone the same as my wife's. So much for that "one flesh" argument then, eh? You might end up with one anyway, but you're chances are much worse with your current approach. But if you'd rather cloak yourself in righteousness, go right ahead. Beats cloaking myself in wickedness. False dichotomy, and you know it. Your above statement indicates to me that you believe morality hinges on one's perspective based on the moment. No, but yours indicates a serious reading comprehension issue, which might explain your inability to have searched out effective solutions in the past... Best wishes, Ericka |
#339
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pregnant 17 year old
"Circe" wrote in message news:z%t4f.2085$UF4.1256@fed1read02... "Chris" wrote in message news:r3j4f.2043$UF4.182@fed1read02... "Circe" wrote in message news:TT94f.1909$UF4.322@fed1read02... wrote in message ups.com... Chris wrote: I think any solution to your marital problems rests upon your ability to stop thinking of both your wife and her daughter as chattel rather than as equals. Guess again. Her daughter is NOT my equal. I can't believe you and I are the only ones who believe this. "Equal" is a word with many meanings. Chris' stepdaughter IS, however, a human being, and as such, she is his "equal". Can you say "C O N T E X T"? You were responding to *my* post. You don't get to choose the context. In the context of my response, I clearly meant "equal human being" (as in opposed to chattel). The common understanding of your statement is that one human being is superior to the other human being (such as a slave), not that one isn't a human being. -- Be well, Barbara |
#340
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pregnant 17 year old
I certainly know a whole lot more about my situation than YOU do!
Of course! You already know more about everything than anyone else does. You're a freaking genius. Everything you do is perfect. That's why you have been so dazzlingly successful as a husband and step-parent. I'm sure that "marriage hanging by a thread" and "on thin ice" stuff is all due to other people's faults, because, by definition, you have done everything right. Obviously, your reason for posting here in the first place was to enlighten us all with your brilliant approach to family relationships. All the other 20 or 30 people who have posted here challenging your positions are obviously idiots who can't possibly manage their marriages or relationships with kids and/or stepchildren. That's why our families are all so messed up, and yours is so ideal. Gosh, Chris, please tell us more so we can all aspire to be like you. |
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