older child and responsibility

My kids will be little more than a year apart (close to year and
half). When I was growing up I have seen parents treating the older
child as "you are older and you should've known better" when both kids
get into trouble. Also, they give much emphasis on the fact that the
older child is the 'big sister' or 'big brother'. To me, that feels as
if they are placing unnecessary burden or responsibility on the older
child. My own sister is two years older to me but she behaves as if
she's ten years older. She assumes more responsibilties and keeps in
touch with everyone, checking on me, even checking on my inlaws etc
which I honestly think is going too far. She tells me time and again
that she can't believe I'm all grown up now (I'm 29 and she's 31).

I don't want my first child to be treated any differently from my
second. If you are the older child or the younger child in the family,
can you identify with what I said? What's your take on this? Did you
enjoy when people told you that you are the 'big sister/brother' or
did you get tired of the increased expectations in general?

My child will barely be one and half year old when I have the new
baby. She's not big anything! I want to pamper her as much as I pamper
the next one.

Thanks.

ted wrote:


I don't want my first child to be treated any differently from my
second. If you are the older child or the younger child in the family,
can you identify with what I said? What's your take on this? Did you
enjoy when people told you that you are the 'big sister/brother' or
did you get tired of the increased expectations in general?

I'm a firstborn. I think every firstborn chafes under
the additional responsibility. However, if you treat the
firstborn and the secondborn exactly the same, and have the
same expectations of them, you will be doing a disservice to
the firstborn who will be older and *should* act it. In addition,
along with the additional responsibilities that come with being
older come additional privileges. It is the nature of secondborns
to chafe at not having the same privileges. I think it is
essential that the additional responsibilities and privileges
go hand in hand at appropriate ages and stages. With yours
only a little over a year apart, you'll have fewer differences
than some, but there will still be significant differences.
That's a fine thing, not a bad thing at all.

My child will barely be one and half year old when I have the new
baby. She's not big anything! I want to pamper her as much as I pamper
the next one.

Of course you will love them both and show affection
to both and do your best to meet their individual needs.
However, if you only hold your older child to the same standards
as the younger, I think you're asking for trouble. Even with
only a year between them, there will be things the older
child can do that the younger can't, whether it's go to school
or go to a special activity or camp with an age limit, or
tackle certain kinds of work at school, or run faster, or
whatever. What are you going to tell the second born who's
likely to get the short end of the stick most of the time
on those issues? It helps a lot to be able to explain that
when kids are older, they have *BOTH* more responsibilities
and more privileges. That's the nature of the world, and
that's the foundation for maturity. If the younger isn't
complaining about not getting to do things, or the older
isn't complaining about too many responsibilities, you're
probably not doing your job right ;-)
That said, you can certainly take it too far. There
are people who expect *way* too much of their firstborns, and
are always coddling the babies and telling the firstborns to
lump it because they're older. I think that's unfair and
damaging. But you can avoid that without going to the other
extreme of trying to make two different kids the same, which
I think is also unfair and damaging.
I think another thing is that perhaps it's hard to
have perspective on this issue right now. Of course your
little baby doesn't seem like a big anything. She's just
a wee little one. But someday your kids will be three and
four and a half, and there'll be some significant differences
in ability there. Later, you'll maybe have a first and third
grader (or a first and second grader, depending on how the
age cutoffs work), and that'll be a big difference too.
Someday one will be in elementary school and the other in
middle school. I'll be those situations will feel different
from the situation now, where one is just a babe and the
other isn't even here yet.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , ted says...

My kids will be little more than a year apart (close to year and
half). When I was growing up I have seen parents treating the older
child as "you are older and you should've known better" when both kids
get into trouble. Also, they give much emphasis on the fact that the
older child is the 'big sister' or 'big brother'. To me, that feels as
if they are placing unnecessary burden or responsibility on the older
child. My own sister is two years older to me but she behaves as if
she's ten years older. She assumes more responsibilties and keeps in
touch with everyone, checking on me, even checking on my inlaws etc
which I honestly think is going too far. She tells me time and again
that she can't believe I'm all grown up now (I'm 29 and she's 31).

I don't want my first child to be treated any differently from my
second. If you are the older child or the younger child in the family,
can you identify with what I said? What's your take on this? Did you
enjoy when people told you that you are the 'big sister/brother' or
did you get tired of the increased expectations in general?

Oh yes. I'm the oldest of three, and I got royally tired of the increased
expectations and higher scrutiny. And, yes, the roles can extend through
adulthood sometimes. (But only if one lets it.)

I think the key to think of your kids as individuals, not in terms of roles.

Banty

In article ,
(ted) wrote:

My kids will be little more than a year apart (close to year and
half). When I was growing up I have seen parents treating the older
child as "you are older and you should've known better" when both kids
get into trouble. Also, they give much emphasis on the fact that the
older child is the 'big sister' or 'big brother'. To me, that feels as
if they are placing unnecessary burden or responsibility on the older
child. My own sister is two years older to me but she behaves as if
she's ten years older. She assumes more responsibilties and keeps in
touch with everyone, checking on me, even checking on my inlaws etc
which I honestly think is going too far. She tells me time and again
that she can't believe I'm all grown up now (I'm 29 and she's 31).

I don't want my first child to be treated any differently from my
second. If you are the older child or the younger child in the family,
can you identify with what I said? What's your take on this? Did you
enjoy when people told you that you are the 'big sister/brother' or
did you get tired of the increased expectations in general?

My child will barely be one and half year old when I have the new
baby. She's not big anything! I want to pamper her as much as I pamper
the next one.

Thanks.

Might I recommend the story in "Free To Be A Family" called (iirc) "Too
Many Ralphs"?

In it, the mom and dad decide that the only thing that is fair is to
treat all their children exactly alike. When the second one is born a
year after the first, they name her "Ralph" (because that's her
brother's name) and they do everything EXACTLY the same with them -- if
one scrapes a knee, they both get bandaids. If one is sick, they are
both put to bed. Things go along relatively OK (though a bit weird)
until Ralph and Ralph are about 9 and 10, and a third baby (also, of
course, named Ralph) is born. First they try to continue to treat all
three the way they treat the baby, but the older two object to diapers
and bottles and going to bed early. Then they try to treat all three
like the older two, but the baby isn't very cooperative about doing
dishes, and just drools on his homework.

In they end, they decide that each child needs to be treated
individually -- though the kids decide they LIKE all being called
"Ralph".

Hyperbole, I know -- but the fact is, different kids need different
things from us, and older kids DO get more priviledges -- more is
expected of them, but more is also given to them. I am the oldest of 6,
and don't remember every being particularly resentful. I don't remember
my folks ever making me "responsible" for the way my sibs behaved -- but
I DO know that I was expected to behave with more maturity, which
actually didn't seem unfair. In fact, I think if my folks had tried to
pamper me the same way they pampered a baby, I'd have resented it -- I
deserved to be treated like I was older!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

On 25 Apr 2004 18:49:39 -0700, (ted) wrote:
My kids will be little more than a year apart (close to year and
half).

My older two are 17.5 months apart. They are 7.5 and almost 9 now. The
oldest has always seemed more responsible and level-headed. I never
pushed the "you're the oldest so behave" issue with her. There is one
thing that I do differently and it's because of her personality...she
is better helping me with the toddler(18 months already!) than the 7
year old is. She frequently asks to watch her while I cook or clean up
or whatever. The 7 year old is way too "energetic" and loud for the
toddler's likings and doesn't realize when she has had enough.
FWIW I am 5 years older than my only sibling and I feel maternal
towards him sometimes, especially when he is going through hardships
(his wife had cancer a few years ago and he leaned on me for support).
I just can't believe it sometimes, I wiped his butt, I defended him
from bullies, and now he's grown up with a family. I think that is
just a big-sister type thing and has nothing to do with having
responsibility pushed on you.
Marie

On 25 Apr 2004 19:13:01 -0700, Banty wrote:
Oh yes. I'm the oldest of three, and I got royally tired of the increased
expectations and higher scrutiny. And, yes, the roles can extend through
adulthood sometimes. (But only if one lets it.)

I think the key to think of your kids as individuals, not in terms of roles.

Sometimes it's a case of the oldest being the guinea pig, though,
don't you think? I know with each child I've had, my expectations have
gotten lower. For example, my oldest didn't touch the ground with any
part of her body until she was over a year old, and my third was
eating dirt and leaves at 10 months old. The middle child sat on the
ground but I would make absolutely sure she did not eat anything off
the ground. It's not that I expect/ed more from the oldest, I just
learned what was important and what wasn't. Another example is my MIL
who is raising my 5 year old neice...when my MIL was raising her own 5
sons, they didn't get many toys, new clothes, eating out...but my
neice gets pretty much whatever she wants and McD's almost
everyday(literally). She is just too old to worry about it I guess!
I think, though, when there is a larger age gap between siblings it
seems much harsher. I'm 5 years older than my brother, and I wasn't
allowed to make below a B on my report cards and was on restriction if
I breathed the wrong way, but my brother got paid for making C's and
never was put on restriction. There are issues underneath that make
things different in our situation but I wonder how much of it was my
parent's learning their expectations were too high; and changing them,
and how much of it were the personal issues my mom had with me.
Marie

In article , Marie says...

On 25 Apr 2004 19:13:01 -0700, Banty wrote:
Oh yes. I'm the oldest of three, and I got royally tired of the increased
expectations and higher scrutiny. And, yes, the roles can extend through
adulthood sometimes. (But only if one lets it.)

I think the key to think of your kids as individuals, not in terms of roles.

Sometimes it's a case of the oldest being the guinea pig, though,
don't you think?

Maybe that's not what I think. Or perhaps I don't think at all. (I wish people
would abandon this "...don't you think" construction in making assertions, I
don't know where you're posting from, but Brits tend to do it more than others.
It's a bit pushy.)

I know with each child I've had, my expectations have
gotten lower. For example, my oldest didn't touch the ground with any
part of her body until she was over a year old, and my third was
eating dirt and leaves at 10 months old. The middle child sat on the
ground but I would make absolutely sure she did not eat anything off
the ground. It's not that I expect/ed more from the oldest, I just
learned what was important and what wasn't. Another example is my MIL
who is raising my 5 year old neice...when my MIL was raising her own 5
sons, they didn't get many toys, new clothes, eating out...but my
neice gets pretty much whatever she wants and McD's almost
everyday(literally). She is just too old to worry about it I guess!
I think, though, when there is a larger age gap between siblings it
seems much harsher. I'm 5 years older than my brother, and I wasn't
allowed to make below a B on my report cards and was on restriction if
I breathed the wrong way, but my brother got paid for making C's and
never was put on restriction. There are issues underneath that make
things different in our situation but I wonder how much of it was my
parent's learning their expectations were too high; and changing them,
and how much of it were the personal issues my mom had with me.

That sort of thing can be part of it, but in the end, it's the same from the
elder child's viewpoint, don't you think? :-)
I think the expectations that children actually take on more responsibility with
respect to younger sibs is more the concern of the OP.

Banty

ted wrote:

I don't want my first child to be treated any differently from my
second. If you are the older child or the younger child in the family,
can you identify with what I said? What's your take on this? Did you
enjoy when people told you that you are the 'big sister/brother' or
did you get tired of the increased expectations in general?

My brother and I are one year apart. I certainly have the 'first born
personality'. I don't really remember *anyone* making an issue of me being
the big sister or anything like that though. I think expectations were
different for me but some of that was just age appropriate. I certainly
expect a different behavior from a 3yo then I do a 2yo. I can still tell a
big difference between 4 and 5 but I don't know how far that holds true. We
also had different personalities in general which leads to different
expectations to a point.

Mine are 2 years a part. I do say things like you are to big for that but
it is *true* when I say that. If my 4yo was was copying something naughty
(but typical of a 2yo) that his little brother was doing, I was going to
call him on it. It started much earlier and I felt part of it was teaching
him that he had his own special place as big brother - he didn't have to
copy or act like a much younger child to be special.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (3)

In article , Nikki says...

ted wrote:

I don't want my first child to be treated any differently from my
second. If you are the older child or the younger child in the family,
can you identify with what I said? What's your take on this? Did you
enjoy when people told you that you are the 'big sister/brother' or
did you get tired of the increased expectations in general?

My brother and I are one year apart. I certainly have the 'first born
personality'. I don't really remember *anyone* making an issue of me being
the big sister or anything like that though. I think expectations were
different for me but some of that was just age appropriate. I certainly
expect a different behavior from a 3yo then I do a 2yo. I can still tell a
big difference between 4 and 5 but I don't know how far that holds true. We
also had different personalities in general which leads to different
expectations to a point.

Mine are 2 years a part. I do say things like you are to big for that but
it is *true* when I say that. If my 4yo was was copying something naughty
(but typical of a 2yo) that his little brother was doing, I was going to
call him on it. It started much earlier and I felt part of it was teaching
him that he had his own special place as big brother - he didn't have to
copy or act like a much younger child to be special.

So there's three aspects of this to think about:

1. The older should act his or her age.
2. The older may need to 'break in' his or her parents; they may be going
overboard a bit trying to be the best kind of parent.
3. The older may be required to care for an supervise younger sibs, and provide
examples of good behavior beyond that expected of other children of similar age.

The first one (acting his or her) age is necessary, the second ('breaking in'
parents) may be to some extent inevitable, the third is a matter of expecting a
child to take on a role in the family he or she may not want or be suited to.

Although it may be true that it is difficult to really know in a grown person's
memory which factor led to the problems perceived and the resentment felt, it
still seems to me #2 should be minimized, and #3 avoided if possible.

Banty

(ted) wrote in message . com...

I don't want my first child to be treated any differently from my
second. If you are the older child or the younger child in the family,
can you identify with what I said? What's your take on this? Did you
enjoy when people told you that you are the 'big sister/brother' or
did you get tired of the increased expectations in general?

I'm a firstborn, and my brother and I are about 2.5 years apart.
I never minded the additional responsibility. I kind of liked
being the 'big kid', and with additional responsibility came the
right to lord it over my brother about how old and responsible
I was.

What did bug me later (and this may or may not be an issue for you)
is that, since we were pretty close in age and my brother was a
big kid in the more literal sense of the word (and, obviously, a boy),
is that they tended to treat us differently in terms of
responsibility but alike in terms of privilege. Stuff I was allowed
to do at 12, my brother was allowed to do the same year at 10.
I realize this was easier for them than putting up with a lot
of 'why does SHE get to do it?' whining, and honestly it wasn't
as though this wrecked my childhood, but it was a minor pain.
If you give your older one increased responsibility, give a bit
of increased rights with it, IMHO as always.

Beth