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Thoughts on impending loss



 
 
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  #1  
Old February 28th 04, 06:17 PM
Emily
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
#2 EDD 7/19/04
  #2  
Old February 28th 04, 07:00 PM
Crystal Dreamer
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

I just had to reply when Emily wrote:
Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.


I think it's great that you're naming the baby! We had a week to make a
final decision on our daughter's name before she was born. We chose Mariam
Averi. Mariam means Wished for Child, Averi means of the Heavens. We
thought it was perfect.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me. lisa @ midwestmail dot
com

--
-Crystal Dreamer
Missing Mariam since 09/10/03
Some people only dream of angels. I held one in my arms.
http://www.memoriesofmariam.com
(take out the trash to reply)


  #3  
Old February 28th 04, 08:25 PM
Simone
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

Emily wrote in news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735
@attbi_s01:

Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

Hi Emily, I admire you for how you're reacting to this drama. I totally
agree with your definition of love and love the naming thing, and letting
us know so we can say goodbye too.
You're in my thoughts these days.


Love
--
Simone
Mom of Ruben Raymond Rocco 08 march 2001
EDD of Stefan Sean S? 11 July 2004
  #4  
Old February 28th 04, 09:29 PM
Amy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

Emily,

First of all your feelings and experiences are valid and important as anyone
elses, and I'm glad you've shared them with us. So don't feel bad, you're
not bringing me down, I've been there, and for those of us who haven't it's
a learning curve.
I can't imagine quite what it's like to be where you are, feeling your baby
kick and knowing there isn't much time left with him/her. For me, the first
thing I knew there was anything wrong with my son is that he _stopped_
kicking. I know it was a horrible, surreal kind of feeling for me once I
found out he had died and that I had to go back and sleep a night knowing he
was inside me but no longer alive. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of new
life and joy, and that's what you get geared up for. It's an awful shock to
have to think about a funeral for a child who you should have been preparing
a nursery, or a baby shower :'-(
We knew we were having a boy, and had already tentatively named him Carlos,
in the end I found it too hard to pick out a middle name, as it seemed by
picking out a name for him after he'd died that name would not really be
'his', so he never got one.
We opted for a peaceful graveside ceremony with family and friends, and
brought along a portable cassette player so we could play a song, DH is a
Queen fan so we chose "Who Wants To Live Forever", which was the theme from
Highlander. We read a poem each, and although we are not religious we had a
dear family friend who is very much involved with the church take the
service and read a couple of bible passages. At the end, while the Queen
song was playing, one by one everyone threw a rosebud on top of his casket.
It's the most awful thing to ever have to do, to plan a funeral for your
child, but my son's was beautiful and I'm really thankful for that.

To me it seems nice that you have this time to plan, and to say goodbye, as
surreal as it is. I hope the next few days are as gentle on you as possible.
I hope you reconsidered taking photos, and having someone else look after
them for you. If you ever want to see a picture of my son (he was 29 weeks,
so a bit further on) let me know. If you are worried about what your baby
might look like, I also know women who have lost babies earlier on who might
have pictures they're willing to share. I know I was terrified of what my
son might look like, and I asked my mother hesitantly if she wanted to see
him after he was born. She said "See him? I want to hold him and cuddle
him", which shocked me a little at first. When they're born though, they're
just the most perfect, beautiful things you've ever seen, and I think a lot
of bonding with my son happened after he'd died.
If you ever want to talk, or ask anything, just send me an e-mail, I'm
barton (dot) souto (at) clear.net.nz. I'll be thinking of you over the next
few days ((((((Emily))))))

~Amy

"Emily" wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01...
Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
#2 EDD 7/19/04



  #5  
Old February 29th 04, 01:33 PM
Welches
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss


Emily wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01...
Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

--

Thank you for sharing that.
I'm sorry, again.
Debbie


  #6  
Old February 29th 04, 02:36 PM
Cheryl S.
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

"Emily" wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01...
I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...


{{Emily}} Don't worry about us. Please do post as much as it helps you
to. I was away this past week and just now found out about your loss.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. This waiting period must
be so hard. You seem to be using the time well in spite of the
difficulty, thinking through all the decisions that must be made so
there is as little chance of later regrets as possible. You're very
strong. You'll be in my thoughts all week and especially on Wednesday.
I hope it is as easy for you physically as it can possibly be. I am not
sure what else to say except I wish this wasn't happening.
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 2 yr., 11 mo. and Jaden, 5 months
Quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.


  #7  
Old February 29th 04, 03:14 PM
Shelly
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss


(((Emily))). I'm with the others; keep posting as long as it helps, and know
that are a lot of us thinking of you.

-Michelle


  #8  
Old February 29th 04, 05:19 PM
Kathy Cole
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

On Sat, 28 Feb 2004 17:17:38 GMT, Emily wrote:

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-)


I'm sure they would have coped if you'd been serious . I'll look
forward to learning your baby's name.
  #9  
Old February 29th 04, 10:22 PM
Jess
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

Emily,
I wanted to say how brave and amazing I think you are, and how sorry I
am to hear of your tragedy. Someone very close to me lost a child
recently from the same condition. My thoughts are with you.
Jess
  #10  
Old March 1st 04, 07:27 AM
Jamie Clark
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Thoughts on impending loss

"Emily" wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01...
Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.


Oh yes, it is so strange and surreal. We had almost a month between
diagnosis and delivery, and I went to work, did business trips, went grocery
shopping and out to dinner. It was during that 3-4 weeks that I really
finally began to show, to be recognized as pregnant by strangers, and to
feel the baby kicking. It was strange to be sitting in business meetings
thinking, "who cares about this, my baby is going to die." It was strange
to try to politely smile when complimented by a stranger, or be asked my due
date. I did end up telling quite a few people that our baby was sick and
wasn't going to make it, but more often than not, I just changed the subject
and tried to leave. Once we knew that we were going to end the pregnancy, I
did drink wine and eat things that were otherwise "no no's"

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
#2 EDD 7/19/04


While I was pregnant, Dh kept calling the baby Riley, our chosen boy name.
We didn't know at that point the gender, but we did refer to the bump as
Riley. Then, when we found out about the baby's problems, we had the amnio,
and found out that it was a boy. I didn't want to use Riley for this baby's
name, as I really wanted a live boy named Riley. So, we agreed to find
another name for this child. We had begun to decorate the nursery with a
Classic Pooh border, and for a few days I thought of this baby as
Christopher Robin -- sort of old fashioned, romantic, and stuck in a
permanent idyllic childhood. But, it wasn't right, it wasn't our name. In
the end, we settled on Nathan James, after two of Rob's grandfathers who had
already passed away. I always envisioned them waiting for him in Heaven,
and that they'd watch over him and take care of him for us.

The other thing that just sort of happened on it's own is that I've come to
associate Daffodils with Nathan. They pop up like mad where I live in late
February and early March, and were everywhere. They are also the Cancer
Month flower, and they sell a lot of them during this same time of year, so
it was easy to get them. It's sort of a hopeful joyous flower, the
harbinger of Spring and hope.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_guest,
Password: Guest1
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