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Thoughts on impending loss
Hi again folks,
I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about bringing everyone down... Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen (either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body. Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you come to love who they are, but that's different. Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby". Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby, we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly. If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post the name when it's all over. -- Emily mom to Toby 5/1/02 #2 EDD 7/19/04 |
#2
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Thoughts on impending loss
I just had to reply when Emily wrote:
Hi again folks, I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about bringing everyone down... Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen (either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body. Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you come to love who they are, but that's different. Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby". Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby, we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly. If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post the name when it's all over. I think it's great that you're naming the baby! We had a week to make a final decision on our daughter's name before she was born. We chose Mariam Averi. Mariam means Wished for Child, Averi means of the Heavens. We thought it was perfect. If you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me. lisa @ midwestmail dot com -- -Crystal Dreamer Missing Mariam since 09/10/03 Some people only dream of angels. I held one in my arms. http://www.memoriesofmariam.com (take out the trash to reply) |
#3
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Thoughts on impending loss
Emily wrote in news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735
@attbi_s01: Hi again folks, I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about bringing everyone down... Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen (either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body. Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you come to love who they are, but that's different. Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby". Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby, we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly. If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post the name when it's all over. Hi Emily, I admire you for how you're reacting to this drama. I totally agree with your definition of love and love the naming thing, and letting us know so we can say goodbye too. You're in my thoughts these days. Love -- Simone Mom of Ruben Raymond Rocco 08 march 2001 EDD of Stefan Sean S? 11 July 2004 |
#4
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Thoughts on impending loss
Emily,
First of all your feelings and experiences are valid and important as anyone elses, and I'm glad you've shared them with us. So don't feel bad, you're not bringing me down, I've been there, and for those of us who haven't it's a learning curve. I can't imagine quite what it's like to be where you are, feeling your baby kick and knowing there isn't much time left with him/her. For me, the first thing I knew there was anything wrong with my son is that he _stopped_ kicking. I know it was a horrible, surreal kind of feeling for me once I found out he had died and that I had to go back and sleep a night knowing he was inside me but no longer alive. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of new life and joy, and that's what you get geared up for. It's an awful shock to have to think about a funeral for a child who you should have been preparing a nursery, or a baby shower :'-( We knew we were having a boy, and had already tentatively named him Carlos, in the end I found it too hard to pick out a middle name, as it seemed by picking out a name for him after he'd died that name would not really be 'his', so he never got one. We opted for a peaceful graveside ceremony with family and friends, and brought along a portable cassette player so we could play a song, DH is a Queen fan so we chose "Who Wants To Live Forever", which was the theme from Highlander. We read a poem each, and although we are not religious we had a dear family friend who is very much involved with the church take the service and read a couple of bible passages. At the end, while the Queen song was playing, one by one everyone threw a rosebud on top of his casket. It's the most awful thing to ever have to do, to plan a funeral for your child, but my son's was beautiful and I'm really thankful for that. To me it seems nice that you have this time to plan, and to say goodbye, as surreal as it is. I hope the next few days are as gentle on you as possible. I hope you reconsidered taking photos, and having someone else look after them for you. If you ever want to see a picture of my son (he was 29 weeks, so a bit further on) let me know. If you are worried about what your baby might look like, I also know women who have lost babies earlier on who might have pictures they're willing to share. I know I was terrified of what my son might look like, and I asked my mother hesitantly if she wanted to see him after he was born. She said "See him? I want to hold him and cuddle him", which shocked me a little at first. When they're born though, they're just the most perfect, beautiful things you've ever seen, and I think a lot of bonding with my son happened after he'd died. If you ever want to talk, or ask anything, just send me an e-mail, I'm barton (dot) souto (at) clear.net.nz. I'll be thinking of you over the next few days ((((((Emily)))))) ~Amy "Emily" wrote in message news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01... Hi again folks, I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about bringing everyone down... Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen (either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body. Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you come to love who they are, but that's different. Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby". Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby, we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly. If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post the name when it's all over. -- Emily mom to Toby 5/1/02 #2 EDD 7/19/04 |
#5
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Thoughts on impending loss
Emily wrote in message news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01... Hi again folks, I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about bringing everyone down... Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen (either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body. Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you come to love who they are, but that's different. Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby". Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby, we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly. If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post the name when it's all over. -- Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry, again. Debbie |
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Thoughts on impending loss
"Emily" wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01... I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about bringing everyone down... {{Emily}} Don't worry about us. Please do post as much as it helps you to. I was away this past week and just now found out about your loss. I am so sorry for what you are going through. This waiting period must be so hard. You seem to be using the time well in spite of the difficulty, thinking through all the decisions that must be made so there is as little chance of later regrets as possible. You're very strong. You'll be in my thoughts all week and especially on Wednesday. I hope it is as easy for you physically as it can possibly be. I am not sure what else to say except I wish this wasn't happening. -- Cheryl S. Mom to Julie, 2 yr., 11 mo. and Jaden, 5 months Quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep. |
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Thoughts on impending loss
(((Emily))). I'm with the others; keep posting as long as it helps, and know that are a lot of us thinking of you. -Michelle |
#8
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Thoughts on impending loss
On Sat, 28 Feb 2004 17:17:38 GMT, Emily wrote:
Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby". Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby, we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were worried that we were serious. :-) I'm sure they would have coped if you'd been serious . I'll look forward to learning your baby's name. |
#9
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Thoughts on impending loss
Emily,
I wanted to say how brave and amazing I think you are, and how sorry I am to hear of your tragedy. Someone very close to me lost a child recently from the same condition. My thoughts are with you. Jess |
#10
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Thoughts on impending loss
"Emily" wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01... Hi again folks, I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about bringing everyone down... Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen (either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body. Oh yes, it is so strange and surreal. We had almost a month between diagnosis and delivery, and I went to work, did business trips, went grocery shopping and out to dinner. It was during that 3-4 weeks that I really finally began to show, to be recognized as pregnant by strangers, and to feel the baby kicking. It was strange to be sitting in business meetings thinking, "who cares about this, my baby is going to die." It was strange to try to politely smile when complimented by a stranger, or be asked my due date. I did end up telling quite a few people that our baby was sick and wasn't going to make it, but more often than not, I just changed the subject and tried to leave. Once we knew that we were going to end the pregnancy, I did drink wine and eat things that were otherwise "no no's" Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you come to love who they are, but that's different. Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby". Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby, we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly. If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post the name when it's all over. -- Emily mom to Toby 5/1/02 #2 EDD 7/19/04 While I was pregnant, Dh kept calling the baby Riley, our chosen boy name. We didn't know at that point the gender, but we did refer to the bump as Riley. Then, when we found out about the baby's problems, we had the amnio, and found out that it was a boy. I didn't want to use Riley for this baby's name, as I really wanted a live boy named Riley. So, we agreed to find another name for this child. We had begun to decorate the nursery with a Classic Pooh border, and for a few days I thought of this baby as Christopher Robin -- sort of old fashioned, romantic, and stuck in a permanent idyllic childhood. But, it wasn't right, it wasn't our name. In the end, we settled on Nathan James, after two of Rob's grandfathers who had already passed away. I always envisioned them waiting for him in Heaven, and that they'd watch over him and take care of him for us. The other thing that just sort of happened on it's own is that I've come to associate Daffodils with Nathan. They pop up like mad where I live in late February and early March, and were everywhere. They are also the Cancer Month flower, and they sell a lot of them during this same time of year, so it was easy to get them. It's sort of a hopeful joyous flower, the harbinger of Spring and hope. -- Jamie & Taylor Earth Angel, 1/3/03 Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_guest, Password: Guest1 Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and Password Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html |
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