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#1
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
I need some help from the POOKs out there...
We're blessed that Henry has an active, comfortable and healthy social life. He has a good group of friends that contains some "regulars" and then another element that seems to come and go. They hang out at each other's homes (we make sure parents are there), go to movies on weekends, maybe meet at Barnes and Noble in the coffee shop, etc. We always know where he is and we usually know the parents of the kids he is with. It's mostly a Good Thing (TM). But... Lately there have been a few occasions where Henry went along with behavior against his better judgement. Usually this has involved him tolerating behavior at our home (we can't be EVERYWHERE although we're always home when he has friends over) that he knows we would not allow. He doesn't join in, just doesn't stop the others. When we talk to him about these incidents afterward, it's clear he knows/knew the behavior was unwise or wrong but he hasn't seemed to have found a confident or forceful enough voice to take charge. Any thoughts on how we can help him and/or require him to be more assertive on these issues? Things are going so well for him socially (that hasn't always been the case) that we are hoping we don't have to scale back on allowing him to have kids over, although he knows that is an option. Thanks in advance... -Dawn Mom to Henry, 13 |
#2
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
"Dawn" wrote:
I need some help from the POOKs out there... We're blessed that Henry has an active, comfortable and healthy social life. He has a good group of friends that contains some "regulars" and then another element that seems to come and go. They hang out at each other's homes (we make sure parents are there), go to movies on weekends, maybe meet at Barnes and Noble in the coffee shop, etc. We always know where he is and we usually know the parents of the kids he is with. It's mostly a Good Thing (TM). But... Lately there have been a few occasions where Henry went along with behavior against his better judgement. Usually this has involved him tolerating behavior at our home (we can't be EVERYWHERE although we're always home when he has friends over) that he knows we would not allow. He doesn't join in, just doesn't stop the others. When we talk to him about these incidents afterward, it's clear he knows/knew the behavior was unwise or wrong but he hasn't seemed to have found a confident or forceful enough voice to take charge. Any thoughts on how we can help him and/or require him to be more assertive on these issues? Things are going so well for him socially (that hasn't always been the case) that we are hoping we don't have to scale back on allowing him to have kids over, although he knows that is an option. Thanks in advance... -Dawn Mom to Henry, 13 I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just a first thought but... Perhaps Henry could alert you to the unwise or unwelcome behavior and then you could 'discover' it and explain to his friends yourself that you don't allow this behavior. grandma Rosalie |
#3
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
Rosalie B. wrote:
"Dawn" wrote: I need some help from the POOKs out there... We're blessed that Henry has an active, comfortable and healthy social life. He has a good group of friends that contains some "regulars" and then another element that seems to come and go. They hang out at each other's homes (we make sure parents are there), go to movies on weekends, maybe meet at Barnes and Noble in the coffee shop, etc. We always know where he is and we usually know the parents of the kids he is with. It's mostly a Good Thing (TM). But... Lately there have been a few occasions where Henry went along with behavior against his better judgement. Usually this has involved him tolerating behavior at our home (we can't be EVERYWHERE although we're always home when he has friends over) that he knows we would not allow. He doesn't join in, just doesn't stop the others. When we talk to him about these incidents afterward, it's clear he knows/knew the behavior was unwise or wrong but he hasn't seemed to have found a confident or forceful enough voice to take charge. Any thoughts on how we can help him and/or require him to be more assertive on these issues? Things are going so well for him socially (that hasn't always been the case) that we are hoping we don't have to scale back on allowing him to have kids over, although he knows that is an option. Thanks in advance... -Dawn Mom to Henry, 13 I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just a first thought but... Perhaps Henry could alert you to the unwise or unwelcome behavior and then you could 'discover' it and explain to his friends yourself that you don't allow this behavior. Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard. I'm sure Henry still has vivid memories of being the new friendless kid, too. You and he may be able to figure out when/how/where this bad behavior is happening, so you can arrange to come in and stop it, with appropriate sterness, explaining to the perpetrators why it's unacceptable, and telling Henry in front of his friends that if it keeps up, friends won't be coming over for a while. That way, you are the disciplinarian, and Henry can complain about his parent to his peers, if he wants to. The difficult part will be intercepting the bad behavior. But it reads like you're in the house when it happens. Maybe a code word/action between you and Henry is needed here that means Mom get down here and discipline. Will he lose face if he has to ask your permission for something? It sounds like his friends are using your house to test reactions. Scott DD 12 and DS 10 |
#4
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
Scott L wrote: Maybe a code word/action between you and Henry is needed here that means Mom get down here and discipline. Will he lose face if he has to ask your permission for something? No, I don't think so. That's a good idea. It sounds like his friends are using your house to test reactions. I don't think so. There are honestly huge cultural differences here (we're on the Texas/Mexico border) regarding what kids are allowed to do. Some kids who live part time in Mexico have cars and drive (in Mexico) as young as 12. OTOH we have conservative parents who still don't allow their 13 year old kids to go to movies without parents along. It's a challenging place to parent :-0 Both my husband and I were raised (successfully, we think) with the "you have my trust until you lose it" approach, and lots of freedom. We're trying to mostly do that too, but to be honest, the risks are different here and so we find ourselves stuck at times. Thanks for the great ideas. -Dawn |
#5
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
Scott L wrote: Rosalie B. wrote: I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just a first thought but... Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard. Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values? -Dawn |
#6
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
"Dawn" wrote:
Scott L wrote: Rosalie B. wrote: I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just a first thought but... Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard. Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values? I think this will come with time an maturity. Some ways to help it along are what you are probably doing already - talk to him about it. And when he knows that you are there to back him up, he may become more able to do it himself without using the fall back plan of you being the bad guy. .. grandma Rosalie |
#7
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
On Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:18:41 EDT, "Dawn"
wrote: Scott L wrote: Maybe a code word/action between you and Henry is needed here that means Mom get down here and discipline. Will he lose face if he has to ask your permission for something? No, I don't think so. That's a good idea. It sounds like his friends are using your house to test reactions. I don't think so. There are honestly huge cultural differences here (we're on the Texas/Mexico border) regarding what kids are allowed to do. Some kids who live part time in Mexico have cars and drive (in Mexico) as young as 12. OTOH we have conservative parents who still don't allow their 13 year old kids to go to movies without parents along. It's a challenging place to parent :-0 Both my husband and I were raised (successfully, we think) with the "you have my trust until you lose it" approach, and lots of freedom. We're trying to mostly do that too, but to be honest, the risks are different here and so we find ourselves stuck at times. I have been a counselor at the middle school level and I wholeheartedly agree with those who have advised you to take over the discipline. I often talked to kids who let me know that they were uncomfortable with things that their friends were suggesting, but they didn't know how to get out of it without looking like a dork in front of their friends. I would tell them to blame their parents even if their parents wouldn't be mad. Every child knows the horror of grounding, for example, so saying that if your mom found out you'd be grounded for a month and it just wasn't worth it what with how you'd die without your friends was something the other kids would totally understand. For those kids who said their parents wouldn't do that, I told them their friends wouldn't know that so they could still blame it on their parents. I have told my daughters (ages 8 and 10) that they can blame anything that they don't want to do on me and I will back them up. They can even tell their friends what a meanie I am behind my back as long as they don't say it to my face. When it comes to rules that I know my kids won't want to be party poopers about, I tell the kids up front. They get a speech on what my rules are for the car, the house, the mall, etc. when they do things with our family. If they don't follow the rules, I call them on it. The one time that my daughter's best friend encouraged her to break a grounding, I told the friend that I really liked her and was glad she was friends with my daughter, but that if she was a true friend, she would be helping my daughter to stay out of trouble instead of helping her to get into trouble and gave her the task of helping Anna stay on track so she wouldn't have to be on grounding and away from her friends even longer. I think your son will appreciate it if you step up to be the bad guy and let him get out of the peer pressure that way. -- Paula "Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy, so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay |
#8
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
On Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:19:06 EDT, "Dawn"
wrote: Scott L wrote: Rosalie B. wrote: I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just a first thought but... Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard. Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values? Does he also have difficulty speaking up when it's not your rule that his friends are pushing, but his property or his preferences? Like, oh, what if he had a partly finished craft project lying around when his friends came over to watch TV, and his friends started tinkering with the craft project and wrecking it? Or the friends don't listen to his ideas of what to do? What I remember from observing our kids was that they were more receptive to our help with that kind of trouble, complaining about the friend afterwards at the dinner table and talking with us about different ways to say no, redirect the friend, avoid the temptation by keeping the sculpture in their bedrooms or whatever. When it was a situation of "your friends are breaking our rules and you aren't enforcing the rules", or other right/wrong issues like friends using degrading language or hitting people, those discussions were more prone to breaking down into defensiveness. Even now, when our 21yo is home, there are sometimes issues like that with his visiting friends, like the one who walks in to the house without knocking and waiting to be admitted, or the ones who forget that sound travels up the stairs late at night. Anyway, it's still sometimes easier for me to speak to the friends directly than to remind our son to do it. Someone (I think it was you, but I'm not sure) wrote on m.k.m several years ago about the sometimes-undervalued importance of having a parent around home in the after-school time for middle-schoolers. This kind of challenge is a good example - the parents who are around with their ears open get a kind of heads-up before big problems develop. Louise -- NewsGuy.Com 30Gb $9.95 Carry Forward and On Demand Bandwidth |
#9
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Helping tweens stand up to peers
Dawn wrote:
Scott L wrote: Rosalie B. wrote: I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just a first thought but... Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard. Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values? We're still a few years behind you so I may be totally off-base, but IMHO, by stepping in to enforce the rules, you *are* helping him to learn to be more assertive with his own values in two ways. First, you're demonstrating for him how it is done. Second, and perhaps more importantly, he'll learn that stopping the behavior didn't result in him losing friends, being teased, etc. -- making him more comfortable with the whole process. Beyond that, there are always situations in which people *need* help. You wouldn't want him to go it alone in breaking up a physical altercation. You wouldn't want him to try to deal with severe bullying without adult help. Same for a friend who was trying to get behind the wheel of a car drunk. For your son, this may simply be one of those situations where he needs adult assistance. Helping him to recognize those situations, and ensuring he knows that even if you're not in the next room, you are available to him, is just as important as helping him to deal with other things on his own. Barbara |
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