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#1
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pregnant 17 year old
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out. The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one. (change of heart?) Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles, not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family. Any suggestions? |
#2
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pregnant 17 year old
Chris wrote: My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out. The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one. (change of heart?) Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles, not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family. Any suggestions? There are independent living programs for teenagers, and even more for teenage mothers. You can access these either through religious groups or through private agencies. She will also qualify for WIC and other welfare type programs (and will get more if she lives apart from you). In my state it's called TANF (temporary aid to needy families), but your state may differ. Google terms like "teen mother program", "independent living program", "homeless youth outreach" (they'd be able to let you know what options are available in your area). Check out your state's website for programs for teen moms. She can access these kinds of programs whether she is planning to parent or considering adoption (although it sounds like she wants to parent). There are communtiy supports available for teen couples who are parenting and live on their own. I've worked with teen parents before, and IMHO they stand a better chance of being good parents and forming a family of their own if they do live on their own with supports. Often teen parents/couples that live with family end up not learning how to do the parenting themselves or how to be their own family. Actually, a good place to access a resource list would be your local WIC office. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/ Also, many maternity units at hospitals have social workers especially for teen moms, low-income moms, etc. HTH, Amy |
#3
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pregnant 17 year old
"Chris" wrote in message news:Fsy0f.139$UF4.76@fed1read02... My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out. The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one. (change of heart?) Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles, not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family. Any suggestions? Your first priority is to yourself and your own family. |
#4
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pregnant 17 year old
You're not going to be able to convince a mother to withdraw support
from her daughter when her daughter is in need. Your stepdaughter was being irresponsible by getting pregnant with no ability to support herself and her baby. Your wife is being a mother, by stepping in to help her daughter when she has done something irresponsible. Sometimes mothers need to kick in with "tough love," to set boundaries and conditions, but that doesn't usually translate into kicking one's pregnant daughter out on the street. If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will need to get some kind of professional counseling help and you will have to recognize that you may have to give in on some things, have to accept things you don't like, and have to give up the habit of making unilateral pronouncements on family decisions (like, "I informed both of them the first time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here"). You also need to recognize that when you marry a woman who has kids, her kids become part of your family. If you are not serious about saving your marriage, go ahead and end it now. The longer you keep "hanging by a thread" without a strong committment to your marriage and your family, the more you are just another problem for these people. |
#5
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pregnant 17 year old
For starters, thank you very much for your response! Now, I will respond,
with all due respect, to your post below. "alath" wrote in message ups.com... You're not going to be able to convince a mother to withdraw support from her daughter when her daughter is in need. Seems to me that such "support" will do more harm than good in the long run. Your stepdaughter was being irresponsible by getting pregnant with no ability to support herself and her baby. And it is I who most likely will pay the penalty for such irresponsibility..... not her. Your wife is being a mother, by stepping in to help her daughter when she has done something irresponsible. Isn't that the role of the (baby's) father? Sometimes mothers need to kick in with "tough love," to set boundaries and conditions, but that doesn't usually translate into kicking one's pregnant daughter out on the street. A long time ago, I made the offer of allowing (ONLY) her daughter to live here after she becomes an adult ONLY if she respects both me and the home (more specifically the rules of the house). Does this sound unreasonable to you? If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so. To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband? If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will need to get some kind of professional counseling help and you will have to recognize that you may have to give in on some things, have to accept things you don't like, and have to give up the habit of making unilateral pronouncements on family decisions (like, "I informed both of them the first time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here"). So does my wife make the "unilateral pronouncements" on family decisions, or am I living in a democracy where the votes of my wife and her child outnumber mine? You also need to recognize that when you marry a woman who has kids, her kids become part of your family. Even though her kid informed me (again today) in no uncertain terms that she will have NOTHING to do with me? If you are not serious about saving your marriage, go ahead and end it now. Not interested. The longer you keep "hanging by a thread" without a strong committment to your marriage and your family, the more you are just another problem for these people. My committment to my marriage is probably stronger than your committment to a marriage is or would be based upon your above statement "....and rightly so.". Additionally, it is not I who has shaved down the fabric of our marriage. But I must agree with you that I probably am "just another problem for these people". |
#6
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pregnant 17 year old
"oregonchick" wrote in message ... "Chris" wrote in message news:Fsy0f.139$UF4.76@fed1read02... My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out. The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one. (change of heart?) Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles, not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family. Any suggestions? Your first priority is to yourself and your own family. That's what I thought when I said "in good times and in bad times, till death....". Thank you! |
#7
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pregnant 17 year old
"V." wrote in message oups.com... Chris wrote: My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out. The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one. (change of heart?) Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles, not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family. Any suggestions? There are independent living programs for teenagers, and even more for teenage mothers. You can access these either through religious groups or through private agencies. She will also qualify for WIC and other welfare type programs (and will get more if she lives apart from you). Doesn't make sense to me, but at least it's to our advantage. In my state it's called TANF (temporary aid to needy families), but your state may differ. My wife informs me that she is already getting some kind of medical welfare assistance and just now told me that she has a WIC appointment today. However, she also informs me that the waiting list for Section 8 (HUD) is over THREE years! What good is that for someone who needs it now? Seems to me that housing assistance is the highest priority since it generally costs more than the other necessities. I know absolutely nothing about welfare, except that I have to pay an awful lot to support such programs. Now you know why I can not afford to support her daughter and baby. Google terms like "teen mother program", "independent living program", "homeless youth outreach" (they'd be able to let you know what options are available in your area). Check out your state's website for programs for teen moms. Will definitely check these out! She can access these kinds of programs whether she is planning to parent or considering adoption (although it sounds like she wants to parent). Her mother says that she is unable to care for herself. Based on that, I concluded that since she is unable to care for herself, then she is unable to care for her baby, thus adoption is the answer. But her child says "no way"! Am I wrong? There are communtiy supports available for teen couples who are parenting and live on their own. I've worked with teen parents before, and IMHO they stand a better chance of being good parents and forming a family of their own if they do live on their own with supports. Often teen parents/couples that live with family end up not learning how to do the parenting themselves or how to be their own family. I agree! Actually, a good place to access a resource list would be your local WIC office. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/ I briefly looked over the site and noticed the "poor diet" requirement. I can certainly give testimony to that. Not a big fan of government handouts, but at least these benefits appear to be actual food products as opposed to cash which is often used to purchase narcotics, alcohol, and lottery tickets. A step in the right direction. I will review the site in more detail. Also, many maternity units at hospitals have social workers especially for teen moms, low-income moms, etc. HTH, Amy Thank you Amy. I will pass all this information on to my wife and stepdaughter. Just curious, the father was a legal adult at the time of BOTH conceptions. Are there statutory rape laws or is that just my imagination? |
#8
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pregnant 17 year old
Chris wrote:
For starters, thank you very much for your response! Now, I will respond, with all due respect, to your post below. "alath" wrote in message ups.com... If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so. To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband? Can't speak for Alath but I would pick my children over my husband, who is their actual bio father. I'm not saying her decision to support her daughter by giving her a place to live is right or wrong but that many parents would pick their children over anyone else. I suspect my husband would pick the kids over me if an issue arose where he felt he had to pick. I hope he would. So does my wife make the "unilateral pronouncements" on family decisions, or am I living in a democracy where the votes of my wife and her child outnumber mine? It seems that you are the one wanting to make the unilateral pronouncement. The person you are not considering is the baby. Your wife is most likely not only thinking of her daughter but what might be best for her grandchild. Perhaps you need to focus on ways of supporting this young girl for the first year in your home. She can finish highschool, find a job or arrange secondary education, be old enough to sign a lease. Everyone should know upfront that this is a temporary arrangement and that she'll move at some predetermined time. Then you and your wife may be able to agree on reasonable ways of supporting her outside her home when she has half a chance of being successful. Being underage, under educated, under employed, single, and having a newborn is not a great set up for being terrible successful. Unless you want to run the risk of having her on your doorstep with a 3yo in an ever bigger mess then she is in now I would help her get started on the right foot. I wouldn't worry about statutory rape charges against the father but I'd sure as heck make legal proceedings to get child support from him part of the deal. -- Nikki Hunter 4/99 Luke 4/01 EDD 4/06 |
#9
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pregnant 17 year old
"Nikki" wrote in message ... Chris wrote: For starters, thank you very much for your response! Now, I will respond, with all due respect, to your post below. "alath" wrote in message ups.com... If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so. To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband? Can't speak for Alath but I would pick my children over my husband, who is their actual bio father. I'm not saying her decision to support her daughter by giving her a place to live is right or wrong but that many parents would pick their children over anyone else. I suspect my husband would pick the kids over me if an issue arose where he felt he had to pick. I hope he would. Not me. My comittment is to my wife FIRST and foremost! So does my wife make the "unilateral pronouncements" on family decisions, or am I living in a democracy where the votes of my wife and her child outnumber mine? It seems that you are the one wanting to make the unilateral pronouncement. The person you are not considering is the baby. That's correct. Depending on which court you choose, legally no baby exists; and she will be a legal adult before such baby exists. Your wife is most likely not only thinking of her daughter but what might be best for her grandchild. Perhaps in her opinion; one that I do not share. Perhaps you need to focus on ways of supporting this young girl for the first year in your home. She can finish highschool, find a job or arrange secondary education, be old enough to sign a lease. Already graduated and will be a legal adult in less than a month. Everyone should know upfront that this is a temporary arrangement and that she'll move at some predetermined time. Then you and your wife may be able to agree on reasonable ways of supporting her outside her home when she has half a chance of being successful. Being underage, under educated, under employed, single, and having a newborn is not a great set up for being terrible successful. Unless you want to run the risk of having her on your doorstep with a 3yo in an ever bigger mess then she is in now I would help her get started on the right foot. That's all well and good, but I am unwilling (and ever closer to being unable) to borrow money to support her and her family. And that IS a unilateral pronouncement. If she can make an adult choice, then she can be held accountable for the adult responsibilities/consequences that ride with such choice. Am I wrong? I wouldn't worry about statutory rape charges against the father Uhuh. This man molested her child and now ALL THREE of us are faced with a major upset in our life, not to mention my marriage is further in peril related specifically to this situation! but I'd sure as heck make legal proceedings to get child support from him part of the deal. My guess is that's her option, and as a young adult she will be SOLELY responsible to make the decision. [ note: you were probably unaware of her soon to be legal status change, thus some of your statements.] -- Nikki Hunter 4/99 Luke 4/01 EDD 4/06 |
#10
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pregnant 17 year old
Chris wrote:
"Nikki" wrote in message ... Chris wrote: "alath" wrote in message groups.com... If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so. To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband? Can't speak for Alath but I would pick my children over my husband, who is their actual bio father. I'm not saying her decision to support her daughter by giving her a place to live is right or wrong but that many parents would pick their children over anyone else. I suspect my husband would pick the kids over me if an issue arose where he felt he had to pick. I hope he would. Not me. My comittment is to my wife FIRST and foremost! Your wife is an adult and can take care of herself, and your marriage is an agreement the two of you entered into independently and with informed consent. A child doesn't ask to be born and requires the love, attention, and support of parents. Parents *owe* that to their children. A spouse who doesn't get that is a poor parent and worse spouse for forcing his or her spouse to renege on an absolute commitment that is owed to the child, even when the going gets rough. One can argue whether the appropriate way to help the child is by bringing the child and her baby (and boyfriend?) into the home or whether it's more appropriate to help in some other way. It is *NOT* negotiable that the parent must do right by the child, whether it's convenient or not and whether the current spouse is willing to be inconvenienced or not. People who love and support one another do not force each other into reneging on their responsibilities because it's inconvenient. There is a higher moral obligation to one's child, who is dependent and didn't ask to be brought into the world, than there is to one's spouse. That's all well and good, but I am unwilling (and ever closer to being unable) to borrow money to support her and her family. And that IS a unilateral pronouncement. If she can make an adult choice, then she can be held accountable for the adult responsibilities/consequences that ride with such choice. Am I wrong? You are not wrong to recognize your financial limitations or other objective limits. You are wrong when you seem to think that the only way to handle this situation is to tell the daughter to get out and don't let the door hit her in the butt on the way out. You are also wrong if you think that laying down an ultimatum for your wife is going to strengthen your marriage. You need to negotiate your way through this, and the starting point needs to be thinking about what is best for the daughter (and unborn child). That may or may not be supporting them entirely in your home, but that's what the discussion should be about, not your ultimatums that your wife better ditch the girl or you'll throw a hissy fit. I wouldn't worry about statutory rape charges against the father Uhuh. This man molested her child and now ALL THREE of us are faced with a major upset in our life, not to mention my marriage is further in peril related specifically to this situation! So you think having the father in jail is going to improve the odds that your step-daughter will be successful in becoming a self-sufficient adult and parent? Seems to me it would have exactly the opposite effect. but I'd sure as heck make legal proceedings to get child support from him part of the deal. My guess is that's her option, and as a young adult she will be SOLELY responsible to make the decision. Well, yes, she'll probably need to agree to get that in place, but she'll probably have to do that anyway to get support from the government. It would certainly be a reasonable topic of discussion to insist that the father be held accountable in order for you and your wife to also help out. You can negotiate through these things. I'm sure it's *easier* for you to just wash your hands of the whole affair and tell your wife to lump it, but that's not likely to be the *right* solution, in the short run *or* the long run, and certainly if you want to strengthen your marriage. Best wishes, Ericka |
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