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#1
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Help advice needed with teenager!
Hi,
I am the eldest of 5. As a kid I was beaten and abused. We had parents that never showed us love, I was kept out of school to care for 4 kids. I have lived away from my parents since I was 15.... my sister came to live with me when she was 15 and I was 18... I took my parents to court and won. She only stayed a year. My brother now16 came to live with me last year for 6 months and now has also gone. My last sister age 14 has called me begging to stay too! 15 mins before she called I had my mother begging me to take her, she is working 12 hour shifts and the kids fend for themselves. They have suffered violence, but my mum divorced that man 2 yrs ago so they have been ok. My mum says she is drinking, staying out all night and bringing gangs of kids to party (who have stolen, broken windows and eaten all her food). She hasn't been to school regular and I know for a fact she has depression. I know my sister is craving her mothers love which she will never have... my mum is an ice queen, never hugs, kisses or says those much needed magic words "I love you". My sister says her mum doesn't love her, works long hours and spends the rest of the time in the pub/bar with her boyfriend who likes to drink. Any advice? I need to lay down ground rules but don't want to be too heavy... I want to get her depression sorted and work towards getting her back into school. Andrea mom of 5 and waiting for our Daughter baby Anya to be born in October. |
#2
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"Andrea S" wrote in message
. uk... Any advice? I need to lay down ground rules but don't want to be too heavy... I want to get her depression sorted and work towards getting her back into school. I am a teacher in an alternative school. I teach students who are in very similar positions to your sister. I can assure you that her academics are going to take a back seat to her self esteem issues for a little while. Indeed if she is in survival and self preservation mode right now, she is not in a good place for school. In order to help her with her depression, I am afraid you are going to need to bring in professionals. Your sister has some very serious issues, and you love her very much, but while she lives under your roof you will be playing the role of an authority figure. She may resent you for that [necessary] role since the last major authority figure let her down so badly. I urge you to contact those people who can help in your area such as youth and family workers, psychologists, social workers etc. She needs to be involved in her own healing as much as possible. Perhaps have her lay down the ground rules she feels is fair while you do the same and reach a compromise together. Suggest professional help will be part of that healing. -- Jacqueline #1 Due late Jul/early Aug |
#3
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"Cuddlefish" wrote in message
"Andrea S" Any advice? I need to lay down ground rules but don't want to be too heavy... I want to get her depression sorted and work towards getting her back into school. I am a teacher in an alternative school. I teach students who are in very similar positions to your sister. I can assure you that her academics are going to take a back seat to her self esteem issues for a little while. Indeed if she is in survival and self preservation mode right now, she is not in a good place for school. In order to help her with her depression, I am afraid you are going to need to bring in professionals. Your sister has some very serious issues, and you love her very much, but while she lives under your roof you will be playing the role of an authority figure. She may resent you for that [necessary] role since the last major authority figure let her down so badly. I urge you to contact those people who can help in your area such as youth and family workers, psychologists, social workers etc. She needs to be involved in her own healing as much as possible. Perhaps have her lay down the ground rules she feels is fair while you do the same and reach a compromise together. Suggest professional help will be part of that healing. -- Jacqueline #1 Due late Jul/early Aug She behaves much better for me than our mother. Do you think medication will be something a doctor would consider? Andrea. |
#4
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Andrea S wrote: Any advice? I need to lay down ground rules but don't want to be too heavy... She's plenty old enough to understand that in a house with 5, soon to be 6, other kids rules are necessary so that things run smoothly, and that you're not laying down arbitrary rules to be Hitler, you're enforcing them so that your home runs well. If everyone just did whatever they wanted to do, including you, there would be no clean laundry, no dinners, no one would ever know where anyone was, etc. Rules are necessary to prevent chaos. She needs a curfew so that you're not up all night worrying about her. She needs to contribute to the running of the house (chores) because it's not fair for one person to do everything. She's old enough to get that. In this situation, I think it's reasonable to expect her to attend school daily and to complete her homework each evening, to come home and check in after school before going anywhere, to ask permission before she brings anyone to your home, and to do a reasonable amount of chores - maybe cleaning up after meals and doing her own laundry and occasional babysitting, or whatever works for your home. You don't want to turn her into Cinderella, but I read an excellent quote - "If you want to keep your kids' feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders!" She should also speak to you and your husband and kids respectfully, and treat everyone the way she'd want them to treat her. None of these things are too much to expect. Explain that to her, and set up a system of consequences - first offense, a warning; second offense, grounded for the weekend; third offense, grounded for a week; or whatever works in your house. Make them unmistakeably clear. Explain to her that grown ups face consequences for their behavior, too, and that you think it's important for her to learn to anticipate conseqences in the safety of your home, before she goes off into the world and the consequences get a lot more serious (jail, etc.). Once she settles in, and is old enough, she ought to get a job and start saving for her education. It doesn't sound like Mom and Dad are going to help her, and with 6 kids, you can't either. If she starts saving right away, she can make a serious dent in her college expenses. It'll also teach her responsibility. You ought to sit down with her and make a long term plan - what's she going to do after high school? How long are you willing to let her stay? She needs an exit strategy, because she's not staying with you until she's 80. How does she plan to support herself, once she turns 18? Having a plan, and taking responsiblity for the direction of her own life, will go a long way toward helping her depression, too. In many situations, depression comes for that feeling of hopelessness. If she has a goal and a plan for how to get there, she won't feel as hopeless, and therefore won't feel as depressed. I want to get her depression sorted and work towards getting her back into school. I would make school attendance a condition of her staying with you - in other words, if she thinks she's old enough to quit school, then she's old enough to live on her own and support herself (you did it, after all). As for the depression, you asked in another post if we thought medication would be necessary/prescribed. Medication may mask what's going on, but the only way for her to heal from it and have any kind of lasting peace is for her to deal with it. In situations like this, it is my opinion that medication gives an individual a way of avoiding the issues they need to deal with, and that eventually they're going to have to face it, rather than medicating it away. Better now than later. I say this as someone who has used anti-depressants myself, and who has recommended them to others. I think they have their place, but it is when depression is non-situational ("I'm depressed for no reason!") not situational ("I'm depressed because someone died.") There's a difference, and it seems to me that your sister's issues fall more into the second sort - there's a reason why she's depressed, your parents suck, and if she comes to grips with that, she shouldn't be depressed anymore. It'll take time, and probably therapy, but YOU did it, so she can do it too. Remind her of that often. I'm reminded of the newspaper story about two brothers. One was successful by every possible measure, the other was unsuccessful by every possible measure. When asked what they attributed the outcome of their lives to, the first said, "My dad was an alcoholic, and watching him waste his life that way inspired me to do better with my own life." The second said the same thing, "My dad was an alcoholic." The difference is that the first used it as an inspiration to lead a better life, and the second used it as an excuse. Teach her, by your example, to use what has happened to her as an inspiration to lead a better life, not an excuse. One final thought - she needs to know that if she does anything to endanger your children, that she leaves. You need to have a zero-tolerance policy for drugs and alcohol, for bringing home scary people, for any other activities which jeopardize the safety and welfare of your kids because they are your primary responsiblity. Make it very clear to her that if you feel that she is a threat to your kids in any way, you will call a cab to take her to the nearest homeless shelter. Watching you take responsibility for the protection of your kids will be a good example to her. Teens who have come from homes like hers often try to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. Make it very clear from the start that you will not tolerate any of that. Period. If she tests that limit, make good on your threat (whatever it is), otherwise you're putting your kids at risk, and who will protect your kids from you if you're not acting in their best interests? Good luck, Amy |
#5
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"Andrea S" wrote in message
k... She behaves much better for me than our mother. Do you think medication will be something a doctor would consider? Certainly medication is important for some teenagers with a diagnosis of depression, however it may be the case that your sister being removed from the negative environment she was in may also help. My personal very NON medical opinion is that at this stage there are other things to try before medication. But then again, I am not a doctor... -- Jacqueline #1 Due late Jul/early Aug |
#6
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You have your own emotional baggage to deal with and you're not
responsible for the actions of your parents. If you can assist your siblings without affecting the well being of your marriage and your kids (which i can't see as a possibility), then do so. Your mother made her bed (don't put the blame just on your dad), now she has to sleep in it. Good luck. Regards... Andrea S wrote: Hi, I am the eldest of 5. As a kid I was beaten and abused. We had parents that never showed us love, I was kept out of school to care for 4 kids. I have lived away from my parents since I was 15.... my sister came to live with me when she was 15 and I was 18... I took my parents to court and won. She only stayed a year. My brother now16 came to live with me last year for 6 months and now has also gone. My last sister age 14 has called me begging to stay too! 15 mins before she called I had my mother begging me to take her, she is working 12 hour shifts and the kids fend for themselves. They have suffered violence, but my mum divorced that man 2 yrs ago so they have been ok. My mum says she is drinking, staying out all night and bringing gangs of kids to party (who have stolen, broken windows and eaten all her food). She hasn't been to school regular and I know for a fact she has depression. I know my sister is craving her mothers love which she will never have... my mum is an ice queen, never hugs, kisses or says those much needed magic words "I love you". My sister says her mum doesn't love her, works long hours and spends the rest of the time in the pub/bar with her boyfriend who likes to drink. Any advice? I need to lay down ground rules but don't want to be too heavy... I want to get her depression sorted and work towards getting her back into school. Andrea mom of 5 and waiting for our Daughter baby Anya to be born in October. |
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