kids and their furniture?

In article ,
enigma wrote:

since you are good at this sort of thing...
i have a friend that has borrowed quite a bit of money from me
(2 used cars & 3 computers worth). i'm not terribly concerned
about payback, as i do think he will eventually. he's just had
a run of bad luck.
anyway, i *know* he's embarrassed about it & he's now
avoiding me. how can i get him to understand that i rally am
not horribly upset with him & it's his own issues that is
causing a rift in our friendship? he's not the only one i've
lent money to & i always do get it back (in small amounts or
in help around the farm). it's not that big a deal to lose
friendship over. if it was, i wouldn't have lent him money to
start with.

I've never had that much money to loan anyone, but when I *have* loaned
money to people (except my kids) I've handled it by refusing to "loan"
them the money in the first place. That is, I tell them I am *giving*
them the money, and if they are ever able to give it back, I'll happily
accept it -- but that their friendship means a great deal to me, and if
they never fine themselves in a position where they can give it back,
it's OK, because it's a gift, not a loan.

So far, I've always gotten it back, except for an amount to one of my
brothers. And I honestly don't even remember how much it was.

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
I have to say, however, that if this is true
of your MIL, I don't really see what relation it has
to *normal*, mentally healthy people choosing to be
polite or nice or doing things for you. This sounds
like a rather different kettle of fish.

I simply said that some of the things you are talking
about remind me of her. Probably because some
of the things you said seem over the top to me.

Bizby

enigma wrote:

since you are good at this sort of thing...
i have a friend that has borrowed quite a bit of money from me
(2 used cars & 3 computers worth). i'm not terribly concerned
about payback, as i do think he will eventually. he's just had
a run of bad luck.
anyway, i *know* he's embarrassed about it & he's now
avoiding me. how can i get him to understand that i rally am
not horribly upset with him & it's his own issues that is
causing a rift in our friendship? he's not the only one i've
lent money to & i always do get it back (in small amounts or
in help around the farm). it's not that big a deal to lose
friendship over. if it was, i wouldn't have lent him money to
start with.

Wow, tricky issue. I don't think there's any
perfect generic solution, as what works for one person
might not work for another. I'd be tempted to sit him
down and say, "I know you don't feel good about not having
paid me back yet, but I want you to know that I am not
in the least bothered about this. It was a privilege
to help you out when you needed it, and I'd still count
you a friend if you weren't ever able to pay it back.
I am doing fine financially and I'm not suffering any
hardships as a result. I'd have been happy to give you
the money if you hadn't made it clear you felt better
paying it back. So, please, don't feel bad about this.
I trust that you'll pay this back someday in one form or
another, and I'd be really sad if you felt so embarrassed
by this that you deprived us of your company in the
meantime."

Best wishes,
Ericka

dragonlady wrote:
In article ,
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

I think *offering* to drive is okay, especially if you
know where you're going and the other person doesn't. *Asking*
to drive, however, isn't something I'd think of as okay (as
in, "Hey, cool car, can I drive it?" That's the sort of thing
you wait for someone to offer. Expressing what a cool car
they have is about as far as you can go. After that, maybe
they offer and maybe they don't, but I don't think you get to
ask.

I agree, for the most part.

But I think I may be visiting my brother soon, and he bought himself a
Porsche (sp?). In his case, I MAY get pushy about asking!

Hey, who loves ya', bro? ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Banty ) writes:
See, this is where I disagree. Why is rough treatment the default?

I don't think it's that rough treatment is the default.
I think it's just that if someone has never seen a particular
category of item being treated a particular way it
may not occur to them.

Could something like that happen to you? Could you,
for example, assume that the floor is for walking on
and find yourself being told "No!! Don't step there!!
That's where the trap door is!" or "That's where the
wet paint is!" Maybe it would be obvious to everyone
living there, yet not occur to you to ask before
using that bit of the floor in the way you usually
use the floor at home and everywhere else you've
been so far.

Everyone makes assumptions.

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Well, so it sounds like you *do* have a give and take
going between you. They do have a generation's worth of
experience up on you ;-)

You sure have a way of making a person's day. Thanks.

I have friends whose parents paid
for their college education completely (so they would start
out with no loans to pay off or anything) on the condition
that they'd do the same for their children. I don't know
that I think it's necessary to completely fund kids' college
educations, but I think it is an example that sometimes the
way you pay someone back for things is to pay it forward.
Maybe it's even the case that your in-laws are paying it forward
from their parents doing the same for them when they were
younger.

That's a thought. I told MIL once I was watching her closely, so that I can
do the same things for my own DDIL or DSIL. I really meant it.

toypup wrote:

That's a thought. I told MIL once I was watching her closely, so that I can
do the same things for my own DDIL or DSIL. I really meant it.

And I would imagine she took that as a really
nice compliment. I know I would in her shoes. I mean,
how many MILs get to hear their DILs say they want to
emulate them?!

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Sat, 11 Feb 2006 12:47:06 GMT, dragonlady



The original discussion was more about someone offering to drive, rather
than asking to borrow a car. If I were going somewhere with someone
else, using their car, I can imagine asking if they wanted me to drive.
(I'd have to know someone really well to ask to borrow their car; on
the other hand, I really have no problems loaning mine out.)

and I would have no proble sharing the driving on any long distance,
joint drive.

b

dragonlady ) writes:
I don't think anyone here has suggested that waton carelessness is
called for -- only that there is a difference of opinion over what
constitutes "normal wear and tear".

There's more to it than a mere difference of opinion.

Noone would suggest that just because your corelle is second hand it
should be thrown on the floor, walked on, or put away dirty.

On the other hand, I'd be surprised if you expected it to be washed by
hand (assuming you have a dishwasher) and handled the same way you would
handle delicate china.

The word "surprised" is key here. If you simply didn't know
whether it had to be washed by hand or not, you should ask
before handling it. But if you would be surprised, that
suggests that maybe the possibility would never occur
to you, so it would be ridiculous to expect you to
ask about it. How can you ask about something you
haven't thought of?

Different customs in different houses is one thing:
it means it's often necessary to ask "is it OK if I
take a piece of fruit out of this bowl?" etc.
But surprise is another thing. It means the person
effectively can't ask, because the question is
inaccessible to them: they haven't thought of it,
they aren't aware that there's something they're supposed
to be thinking of, and even if they knew that and
tried to think of it, the question still might never
occur to them.

Ericka Kammerer ) writes:
Again, a red herring. It's very simple to figure out.
The pristine basketball full of signatures doesn't get bounced,
because bouncing would change its state. The scuffed basketball
that has clearly seen use can be bounced with no problem. The
brand new looking basketball with no signs of wear and tear,
you ask the owner if it's okay to play with.
I don't get why this is complicated.

Oh, no! You mean, before I bounce a ball at someone
else's house, I have to either check to make sure it's
already dirty, or ask? I wouldn't have known that.
I'm not sure I'd follow that guideline even now.
I wouldn't want to look silly for asking a "stupid
question".

What if the floor is clean?