If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
(a further reply to the post on aps re 3yr old who didn't
want to use a seatbelt) Possible problems with the watermelon experiment I suggested earlier: (1) The watermelon might not break, and then the child would be even more convinced not to use the seatbelt. (2) If it did break, it might make the car messy. Alternatives: Use empty eggshells instead, perhaps in toy cars. Could be lots of fun. The eggshells could have faces painted on them and cloth bodies added. After the crash they could be treated with sympathy and placed in a hospital. You can get a stroller with a seat belt -- maybe a toy one -- and put a doll in it with no seat belt. You can have the doll fall, then make a big fuss in which you apologize to the doll for "forgetting" or neglecting to put the seat belt on, treat the doll with great sympathy and promise the doll you'll always put on the seatbelt from now on. This sort of talk implies that the seatbelt is for the doll's own good. IMO it can be very effective to talk in a way that implies that something is for the child's benefit. In contrast, saying directly "This is for your own good" actually tends to communicate the opposite: the idea is that if you need to say it, then it must not be obvious, it must be something some people don't believe. Another way to do this, if you do ever drive with a child with no seatbelt (which I don't recommend), is to say to the child with great feeling at the end of the trip: "Oh, my goodness! You were without a seatbelt for that whole trip! Oh, my poor child! I'm so sorry I forgot to put your seatbelt on! I'm so glad there was no accident on this trip! My goodness-- there was a red car back there that I almost crashed into. Oh, I would have felt so bad if you had gotten a big bop on the head from that! I really should have made sure you had your seatbelt on. (Hug the child) Oh, my dear child, I'm so glad you didn't get a big bop! I promise I'll make sure your seatbelt is on next time, so you'll be safe." If the parents strongly believe that it's not safe enough without a seatbelt, then they won't drive with a passenger with no seatbelt in the car (unless they're driving a dying person to the hospital or something). It's a matter of personal conviction, and habit. A friend can come over and talk about seatbelts and accidents, and the parents can make it clear to the child that they've made a decision, based on this conversation, never to drive without everyone wearing a seatbelt. This can become a turning point for the family as far as seatbelts are concerned. .... but if they give in "just once" after that time and let the child ride without a seatbelt, then it will be much harder to ever establish the rule. The point is to get the message across, "I really mean it. I'm not going to drive unless everyone has a seatbelt on." If you give in, the child learns that you don't mean what you say and can be persuaded. It might also help if, for about a week or more before bringing in a new seatbelt rule, they avoid giving in on any other issues. I don't mean becoming very strict or punishing. I just mean not giving in. To avoid giving in: Before making any command, suggestion or ultimatum, I suggest stopping and thinking. If it's not worth a big fuss (listening to the child whine and cry for an hour, or whatever), then I suggest making it clear from the first word that it is a choice: for example, "You don't have to, but if you want, you can help me dry the dishes." If it's a command or ultimatum, then I suggest thinking through ahead of time a plan for not giving in. This might include a punishment. Or it might just be an announcement: "No, I'm sorry, I'm not taking you to the playground today." Here, no punishment is needed: just steadfastness in not changing your mind in response to whining and crying. Normally, it's fine to change your mind from time to time. But if you give in a lot, and then you want to teach a child to follow a new rule like wearing a seatbelt, it may be useful to avoid giving in for a week or so, until the child is used to seeing that you mean what you say, so that when you say "I've decided from now on, if I'm the driver, then everyone in the car has to wear a seatbelt." then the child will know you mean it. Just a calm, quiet, firm voice is fine. No need to repeat it. No need to say it loudly. No need to say "I mean what I say!" or (worse!) "This time I really mean it!". Those ways of saying it actually detract from the message. It might be useful to install something in the car to make a loud beeping sound whenever the child's seatbelt is not done up. It might be useful to have some authority figure, such as a police officer or car salesperson, talk to the child or talk to the parents in front of the child about the importance of seatbelts. Problems: this might scare the child; the authority figure might actually decide to say the seatbelts aren't all that important. A key tactic, though, is really listening to the child and finding out why the child doesn't like the seatbelt. I'm just reading "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Thomas Gordon and it's excellent for learning "active listening," getting children to open up and explain their feelings and what's bothering them. All other techniques for getting the child to use the seatbelt might be both useless and unnecessary if there's something significant about the situation that can be resolved if you only get the child to tell you what the real problem is. -- Cathy |
#2
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
Catherine, why do you make things so frellin' *complicated*?
Seat belt use isn't something for 'feel good, let's be rational' discussion, period. IMO, this is *not* something that should be negotiated, discussed or anything, period. Be simple. When my kids were young and would unbuckle, I would pull the car over to the side of the road as soon as it was safe to do so, turn off the engine and *wait*. I told my children that if they unbuckled their seatbelts, the car would not work. It would stop and then we would not be able to go where we wanted to go. And I did it. *Every single time.* It only took about 4 times, if that, for them to get the message....and after that, they *never* unbuckled their belts, and if one of their friends went somewhere with us, the boys told them the 'rule'. One boy tried to test it, and I again pulled over and turned off the engine. My eldest, who was about 4 at the time, turned and said, 'See? Told you so.' Eggshells, strollers and allowing a child to ride without a seatbelt and then trying to guilt them *afterwards*? What claptrap. Leah "Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message ... (a further reply to the post on aps re 3yr old who didn't want to use a seatbelt) Possible problems with the watermelon experiment I suggested earlier: (1) The watermelon might not break, and then the child would be even more convinced not to use the seatbelt. (2) If it did break, it might make the car messy. Alternatives: Use empty eggshells instead, perhaps in toy cars. Could be lots of fun. The eggshells could have faces painted on them and cloth bodies added. After the crash they could be treated with sympathy and placed in a hospital. You can get a stroller with a seat belt -- maybe a toy one -- and put a doll in it with no seat belt. You can have the doll fall, then make a big fuss in which you apologize to the doll for "forgetting" or neglecting to put the seat belt on, treat the doll with great sympathy and promise the doll you'll always put on the seatbelt from now on. This sort of talk implies that the seatbelt is for the doll's own good. IMO it can be very effective to talk in a way that implies that something is for the child's benefit. In contrast, saying directly "This is for your own good" actually tends to communicate the opposite: the idea is that if you need to say it, then it must not be obvious, it must be something some people don't believe. Another way to do this, if you do ever drive with a child with no seatbelt (which I don't recommend), is to say to the child with great feeling at the end of the trip: "Oh, my goodness! You were without a seatbelt for that whole trip! Oh, my poor child! I'm so sorry I forgot to put your seatbelt on! I'm so glad there was no accident on this trip! My goodness-- there was a red car back there that I almost crashed into. Oh, I would have felt so bad if you had gotten a big bop on the head from that! I really should have made sure you had your seatbelt on. (Hug the child) Oh, my dear child, I'm so glad you didn't get a big bop! I promise I'll make sure your seatbelt is on next time, so you'll be safe." If the parents strongly believe that it's not safe enough without a seatbelt, then they won't drive with a passenger with no seatbelt in the car (unless they're driving a dying person to the hospital or something). It's a matter of personal conviction, and habit. A friend can come over and talk about seatbelts and accidents, and the parents can make it clear to the child that they've made a decision, based on this conversation, never to drive without everyone wearing a seatbelt. This can become a turning point for the family as far as seatbelts are concerned. ... but if they give in "just once" after that time and let the child ride without a seatbelt, then it will be much harder to ever establish the rule. The point is to get the message across, "I really mean it. I'm not going to drive unless everyone has a seatbelt on." If you give in, the child learns that you don't mean what you say and can be persuaded. It might also help if, for about a week or more before bringing in a new seatbelt rule, they avoid giving in on any other issues. I don't mean becoming very strict or punishing. I just mean not giving in. To avoid giving in: Before making any command, suggestion or ultimatum, I suggest stopping and thinking. If it's not worth a big fuss (listening to the child whine and cry for an hour, or whatever), then I suggest making it clear from the first word that it is a choice: for example, "You don't have to, but if you want, you can help me dry the dishes." If it's a command or ultimatum, then I suggest thinking through ahead of time a plan for not giving in. This might include a punishment. Or it might just be an announcement: "No, I'm sorry, I'm not taking you to the playground today." Here, no punishment is needed: just steadfastness in not changing your mind in response to whining and crying. Normally, it's fine to change your mind from time to time. But if you give in a lot, and then you want to teach a child to follow a new rule like wearing a seatbelt, it may be useful to avoid giving in for a week or so, until the child is used to seeing that you mean what you say, so that when you say "I've decided from now on, if I'm the driver, then everyone in the car has to wear a seatbelt." then the child will know you mean it. Just a calm, quiet, firm voice is fine. No need to repeat it. No need to say it loudly. No need to say "I mean what I say!" or (worse!) "This time I really mean it!". Those ways of saying it actually detract from the message. It might be useful to install something in the car to make a loud beeping sound whenever the child's seatbelt is not done up. It might be useful to have some authority figure, such as a police officer or car salesperson, talk to the child or talk to the parents in front of the child about the importance of seatbelts. Problems: this might scare the child; the authority figure might actually decide to say the seatbelts aren't all that important. A key tactic, though, is really listening to the child and finding out why the child doesn't like the seatbelt. I'm just reading "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Thomas Gordon and it's excellent for learning "active listening," getting children to open up and explain their feelings and what's bothering them. All other techniques for getting the child to use the seatbelt might be both useless and unnecessary if there's something significant about the situation that can be resolved if you only get the child to tell you what the real problem is. -- Cathy |
#3
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
|
#4
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message ... (a further reply to the post on aps re 3yr old who didn't want to use a seatbelt) snip I missed the original post. My son's seatbelt had a loud click, If he undid it I quickly checked the mirror and switched off the engine and pulled over. I would then look round to see what had caused the car to stop and would discover the undone seat belt. I would tell him to do it up and start the engine. Before it became a legal requirement for all people to use a seat belt in the car (I live in England) any adults who didn't want to wear a seat belt sat in the middle of the rear seat. When they asked why I simply told them so that they would pass through the car and out the windscreen without hurting me on the way. The alternative was they walked. Martin |
#5
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
Cathy,
I really liked this post, especially your last paragraph, where you state: "A key tactic, though, is really listening to the child and finding out why the child doesn't like the seatbelt....." I think a key tactic in parenting that is often overlooked is listening to children. Once we understand things from a child's perspective we can often solve problems in ways that meets everyone's needs. However, this does not mean that the original "rule" changes -- seatbelts are worn in cars, period. Children too small for seatbelts are transported in car seats. I personally think we sometimes go to far with the "experiments" to convince children we are correct in our expectations. My rule of thumb was "If you ride in the car, you wear a seatbelt." This is non-negotiable. No seatbelt, no riding in the car, regardless of the protests. I found it took a little active listening, and very clear and consistent expectations, and missing out on a few "fun" things, and suddenly the seatbelt protests were nearly a thing of the past. LaVonne Catherine Woodgold wrote: (a further reply to the post on aps re 3yr old who didn't want to use a seatbelt) Possible problems with the watermelon experiment I suggested earlier: (1) The watermelon might not break, and then the child would be even more convinced not to use the seatbelt. (2) If it did break, it might make the car messy. Alternatives: Use empty eggshells instead, perhaps in toy cars. Could be lots of fun. The eggshells could have faces painted on them and cloth bodies added. After the crash they could be treated with sympathy and placed in a hospital. You can get a stroller with a seat belt -- maybe a toy one -- and put a doll in it with no seat belt. You can have the doll fall, then make a big fuss in which you apologize to the doll for "forgetting" or neglecting to put the seat belt on, treat the doll with great sympathy and promise the doll you'll always put on the seatbelt from now on. This sort of talk implies that the seatbelt is for the doll's own good. IMO it can be very effective to talk in a way that implies that something is for the child's benefit. In contrast, saying directly "This is for your own good" actually tends to communicate the opposite: the idea is that if you need to say it, then it must not be obvious, it must be something some people don't believe. Another way to do this, if you do ever drive with a child with no seatbelt (which I don't recommend), is to say to the child with great feeling at the end of the trip: "Oh, my goodness! You were without a seatbelt for that whole trip! Oh, my poor child! I'm so sorry I forgot to put your seatbelt on! I'm so glad there was no accident on this trip! My goodness-- there was a red car back there that I almost crashed into. Oh, I would have felt so bad if you had gotten a big bop on the head from that! I really should have made sure you had your seatbelt on. (Hug the child) Oh, my dear child, I'm so glad you didn't get a big bop! I promise I'll make sure your seatbelt is on next time, so you'll be safe." If the parents strongly believe that it's not safe enough without a seatbelt, then they won't drive with a passenger with no seatbelt in the car (unless they're driving a dying person to the hospital or something). It's a matter of personal conviction, and habit. A friend can come over and talk about seatbelts and accidents, and the parents can make it clear to the child that they've made a decision, based on this conversation, never to drive without everyone wearing a seatbelt. This can become a turning point for the family as far as seatbelts are concerned. ... but if they give in "just once" after that time and let the child ride without a seatbelt, then it will be much harder to ever establish the rule. The point is to get the message across, "I really mean it. I'm not going to drive unless everyone has a seatbelt on." If you give in, the child learns that you don't mean what you say and can be persuaded. It might also help if, for about a week or more before bringing in a new seatbelt rule, they avoid giving in on any other issues. I don't mean becoming very strict or punishing. I just mean not giving in. To avoid giving in: Before making any command, suggestion or ultimatum, I suggest stopping and thinking. If it's not worth a big fuss (listening to the child whine and cry for an hour, or whatever), then I suggest making it clear from the first word that it is a choice: for example, "You don't have to, but if you want, you can help me dry the dishes." If it's a command or ultimatum, then I suggest thinking through ahead of time a plan for not giving in. This might include a punishment. Or it might just be an announcement: "No, I'm sorry, I'm not taking you to the playground today." Here, no punishment is needed: just steadfastness in not changing your mind in response to whining and crying. Normally, it's fine to change your mind from time to time. But if you give in a lot, and then you want to teach a child to follow a new rule like wearing a seatbelt, it may be useful to avoid giving in for a week or so, until the child is used to seeing that you mean what you say, so that when you say "I've decided from now on, if I'm the driver, then everyone in the car has to wear a seatbelt." then the child will know you mean it. Just a calm, quiet, firm voice is fine. No need to repeat it. No need to say it loudly. No need to say "I mean what I say!" or (worse!) "This time I really mean it!". Those ways of saying it actually detract from the message. It might be useful to install something in the car to make a loud beeping sound whenever the child's seatbelt is not done up. It might be useful to have some authority figure, such as a police officer or car salesperson, talk to the child or talk to the parents in front of the child about the importance of seatbelts. Problems: this might scare the child; the authority figure might actually decide to say the seatbelts aren't all that important. A key tactic, though, is really listening to the child and finding out why the child doesn't like the seatbelt. I'm just reading "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Thomas Gordon and it's excellent for learning "active listening," getting children to open up and explain their feelings and what's bothering them. All other techniques for getting the child to use the seatbelt might be both useless and unnecessary if there's something significant about the situation that can be resolved if you only get the child to tell you what the real problem is. -- Cathy |
#6
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
Leah Adezio wrote:
Seat belt use isn't something for 'feel good, let's be rational' discussion, period. IMO, this is *not* something that should be negotiated, discussed or anything, period. Personally, I don't believe that discussion logically leads to negotiation. One can attempt to understand a child's point of view and provide rational and logical reasons for the expectation without making the expectation open for negotiation. I told my children that if they unbuckled their seatbelts, the car would not work. It would stop and then we would not be able to go where we wanted to go. I have a problem with lying to children, Leah. Cars "work" whether or not children are wearing seatbelts. However, I have pulled over, told my children that not wearing seatbelts was unsafe, and I don't drive when children are not safe. When they put their seatbelts back on, I thanked them, told them that we could now drive safely, and that was the end of the issue. Be honest with children, even tiny children in carseats. No carseat/or seatbelt, no riding in the car. It is not safe. Put the seatbelt on, get back in the carseat, and we can continue with where we were going and what were were going to do. Didn't take long for my children to get the message, and like you, they let their friends know that I don't drive anywhere with people not in seatbelts, adults included. LaVonne And I did it. *Every single time.* It only took about 4 times, if that, for them to get the message....and after that, they *never* unbuckled their belts, and if one of their friends went somewhere with us, the boys told them the 'rule'. One boy tried to test it, and I again pulled over and turned off the engine. My eldest, who was about 4 at the time, turned and said, 'See? Told you so.' Eggshells, strollers and allowing a child to ride without a seatbelt and then trying to guilt them *afterwards*? What claptrap. Leah "Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message ... (a further reply to the post on aps re 3yr old who didn't want to use a seatbelt) Possible problems with the watermelon experiment I suggested earlier: (1) The watermelon might not break, and then the child would be even more convinced not to use the seatbelt. (2) If it did break, it might make the car messy. Alternatives: Use empty eggshells instead, perhaps in toy cars. Could be lots of fun. The eggshells could have faces painted on them and cloth bodies added. After the crash they could be treated with sympathy and placed in a hospital. You can get a stroller with a seat belt -- maybe a toy one -- and put a doll in it with no seat belt. You can have the doll fall, then make a big fuss in which you apologize to the doll for "forgetting" or neglecting to put the seat belt on, treat the doll with great sympathy and promise the doll you'll always put on the seatbelt from now on. This sort of talk implies that the seatbelt is for the doll's own good. IMO it can be very effective to talk in a way that implies that something is for the child's benefit. In contrast, saying directly "This is for your own good" actually tends to communicate the opposite: the idea is that if you need to say it, then it must not be obvious, it must be something some people don't believe. Another way to do this, if you do ever drive with a child with no seatbelt (which I don't recommend), is to say to the child with great feeling at the end of the trip: "Oh, my goodness! You were without a seatbelt for that whole trip! Oh, my poor child! I'm so sorry I forgot to put your seatbelt on! I'm so glad there was no accident on this trip! My goodness-- there was a red car back there that I almost crashed into. Oh, I would have felt so bad if you had gotten a big bop on the head from that! I really should have made sure you had your seatbelt on. (Hug the child) Oh, my dear child, I'm so glad you didn't get a big bop! I promise I'll make sure your seatbelt is on next time, so you'll be safe." If the parents strongly believe that it's not safe enough without a seatbelt, then they won't drive with a passenger with no seatbelt in the car (unless they're driving a dying person to the hospital or something). It's a matter of personal conviction, and habit. A friend can come over and talk about seatbelts and accidents, and the parents can make it clear to the child that they've made a decision, based on this conversation, never to drive without everyone wearing a seatbelt. This can become a turning point for the family as far as seatbelts are concerned. ... but if they give in "just once" after that time and let the child ride without a seatbelt, then it will be much harder to ever establish the rule. The point is to get the message across, "I really mean it. I'm not going to drive unless everyone has a seatbelt on." If you give in, the child learns that you don't mean what you say and can be persuaded. It might also help if, for about a week or more before bringing in a new seatbelt rule, they avoid giving in on any other issues. I don't mean becoming very strict or punishing. I just mean not giving in. To avoid giving in: Before making any command, suggestion or ultimatum, I suggest stopping and thinking. If it's not worth a big fuss (listening to the child whine and cry for an hour, or whatever), then I suggest making it clear from the first word that it is a choice: for example, "You don't have to, but if you want, you can help me dry the dishes." If it's a command or ultimatum, then I suggest thinking through ahead of time a plan for not giving in. This might include a punishment. Or it might just be an announcement: "No, I'm sorry, I'm not taking you to the playground today." Here, no punishment is needed: just steadfastness in not changing your mind in response to whining and crying. Normally, it's fine to change your mind from time to time. But if you give in a lot, and then you want to teach a child to follow a new rule like wearing a seatbelt, it may be useful to avoid giving in for a week or so, until the child is used to seeing that you mean what you say, so that when you say "I've decided from now on, if I'm the driver, then everyone in the car has to wear a seatbelt." then the child will know you mean it. Just a calm, quiet, firm voice is fine. No need to repeat it. No need to say it loudly. No need to say "I mean what I say!" or (worse!) "This time I really mean it!". Those ways of saying it actually detract from the message. It might be useful to install something in the car to make a loud beeping sound whenever the child's seatbelt is not done up. It might be useful to have some authority figure, such as a police officer or car salesperson, talk to the child or talk to the parents in front of the child about the importance of seatbelts. Problems: this might scare the child; the authority figure might actually decide to say the seatbelts aren't all that important. A key tactic, though, is really listening to the child and finding out why the child doesn't like the seatbelt. I'm just reading "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Thomas Gordon and it's excellent for learning "active listening," getting children to open up and explain their feelings and what's bothering them. All other techniques for getting the child to use the seatbelt might be both useless and unnecessary if there's something significant about the situation that can be resolved if you only get the child to tell you what the real problem is. -- Cathy |
#7
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
One of my best friends, a very educated middle-aged woman, hates seat belts.
My rule -- you ride with me, you wear a seat belt or I do not drive. It's not so very different with little children. LaVonne Martin McGowan wrote: "Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message ... (a further reply to the post on aps re 3yr old who didn't want to use a seatbelt) snip I missed the original post. My son's seatbelt had a loud click, If he undid it I quickly checked the mirror and switched off the engine and pulled over. I would then look round to see what had caused the car to stop and would discover the undone seat belt. I would tell him to do it up and start the engine. Before it became a legal requirement for all people to use a seat belt in the car (I live in England) any adults who didn't want to wear a seat belt sat in the middle of the rear seat. When they asked why I simply told them so that they would pass through the car and out the windscreen without hurting me on the way. The alternative was they walked. Martin |
#8
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
Seatbelts are necessary. I would simply pull over until fastened.
Much better not to make a federal case out of explaining to a child ad nauseum while belts are necessary. It always worked for me. |
#9
|
|||
|
|||
Seatbelts for Safety
Fern5827 wrote: Seatbelts are necessary. I would simply pull over until fastened. That's what I did. And I also repeated the explanation of why seat belts were necessary. Much better not to make a federal case out of explaining to a child ad nauseum while belts are necessary. Explaining to anyone "ad nauseum" is counter-productive. Providing an explanation to children is crucial for children to develop an understanding of why certain expectations exist, and is crucial for children internalizing rather than simply complying with expectations. Explanations should match the child's age and level of understanding. For the seat belt issue, a simple "it is not safe" should suffice when children are very young, and are climbing out of car seats. This is how children learn about what is safe and unsafe. If done at a very young age, there should be few problems as the child gets older. If the issue surfaces again when the child is older and more able to verbally articulate his/her objections to the seat belt, it is important to listen and try to understand why the child is objecting. This doesn't change the seat belt rule, but it helps parents understand the issue from the child's point of view. It always worked for me. This is an interesting statement. I've always been more concerned with what works for my children that what works for me. Regarding seat belts, one can have a rule and force the child into submission and it will work -- as long as the child is in your presence. My seat belt rule has several goals. I want to keep children safe when being transported with me. I also want children to wear seat belts when they are teenagers and not in my presence, and I want them to become adults that make safe choices, which includes wearing seat belts, and requiring everyone in the car to either be in a seat belt or a car seat. This can only happen when one combines expectations with reasons for the expectations. LaVonne |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Seatbelts for Safety | Catherine Woodgold | General | 14 | September 25th 03 01:36 AM |