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#31
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How to deal with 7 year old?
Hi -- The suggestions given on this thread have been excellent. However, there's one thing that seems to be missing ... Have you spent one-on-one time with your 7-year old just talking? Talk about how you feel with N gone, how sad you are that N wasn't up to being the kind of dad your son needs, or even the kind of dad that N wanted to be. (It's okay to pad the truth a tiny bit, I think.) Have you talked with your son about what you want for him? WHY you want him at home? Have you asked him what *he* wants? How he feels? Have you asked him for suggestions to help make being home/part of the family more something that he's happy with? It has helped both my kids when I commiserate about how awful it feels to be angry, and how much better we feel when we're not angry. Your son's feelings are valid, no matter what they are. His actions, though, are things that are under his control, and he must learn to control them. I think it would help a lot to have time, maybe on a regular basis, but certainly often, when you and your son can be together, talking and doing things (boys often talk better when they're doing something active, such as playing catch) without the younger kids around. By the way, what metro area do you live in? Maybe someone has some suggestions that are specific to your area? I hope these suggestions help, --Beth Kevles -THE-COM-HERE http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner. NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the GMAIL one if you would like me to reply. |
#32
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How to deal with 7 year old?
On Tue, 30 Sep 2008 22:07:19 -0600, "Kat" wrote:
Other than hockey - which I will NOT put DS in - Just curious, why not hockey? Does he have an interest? JennP. |
#33
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How to deal with 7 year old?
In article , JennP. says...
On Tue, 30 Sep 2008 22:07:19 -0600, "Kat" wrote: Other than hockey - which I will NOT put DS in - Just curious, why not hockey? Does he have an interest? JennP. Hockey Mom has a bad word association now ;-) Banty |
#34
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"JennP." wrote in message ... On Tue, 30 Sep 2008 22:07:19 -0600, "Kat" wrote: Other than hockey - which I will NOT put DS in - Just curious, why not hockey? Does he have an interest? JennP. After equestrian sports, it's probably the most expensive and time-sucking thing you could sign your kid up for. Ever see those bumper stickers that say "Driver carries no cash, kid plays ice hockey" ? |
#35
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"dejablues" wrote:
"JennP." wrote in message .. . On Tue, 30 Sep 2008 22:07:19 -0600, "Kat" wrote: Other than hockey - which I will NOT put DS in - Just curious, why not hockey? Does he have an interest? JennP. After equestrian sports, it's probably the most expensive and time-sucking thing you could sign your kid up for. Ever see those bumper stickers that say "Driver carries no cash, kid plays ice hockey" ? How about figure skating? Skiing? Actually most winter sports other than maybe cross country skiing are pretty expensive. You either need a rink or a hill. And how about sailing or kayaking. There are very few extra curricular activities that don't cost. Team games require some kind of uniform usually (cleats, balls, nets etc) and have practice times/field rental/coaching. Swimming probably requires the least equipment (bathing suit and goggles) and also is one of the least injury producing sports, but you need a pool. Track and cross country are also pretty cheap to do. Gymnastics doesn't have much in the way of uniforms either, but needs more equipment and coaching. The same for most martial arts - not much equipment, but coaching and practice. My kids were mostly into swimming and equestrian. You can spend a lot on equestrian, but it doesn't have to be humongo expensive. In the beginning the ponies cost $300 to $500, and my kids were able to compete successfully and win against kids with much more expensive and prettier mounts. When she was 14, DD#3 took her aged barefoot $500 pony to a one star event, and placed 5th. This was a division of 25 and they gave ribbons and points to 8th place. Most of the rest of the riders were on big expensive horses and some of them didn't even manage to finish. It did take time, but it wasn't my time, it was their time. I don't ride, and while I've been on a horse a few times, my participation was mostly picking them up from the farm (they rode the school bus to the farm after school) and driving them to shows or events. They belong to 4H and Pony Club which runs things pretty inexpensively. |
#36
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"Rosalie B." wrote in message ... You can spend a lot on equestrian, but it doesn't have to be humongo expensive. In the beginning the ponies cost $300 to $500, That was a very long time ago. It's different now. You can have fun with horses, but to get serious in the sport means an exponential increase in spending. The better you want to be, the more money you need. There is still plenty of eliticism in the horsey world. It did take time, but it wasn't my time, it was their time. I don't ride, and while I've been on a horse a few times, my participation was mostly picking them up from the farm (they rode the school bus to the farm after school) and driving them to shows or events. They belong to 4H and Pony Club which runs things pretty inexpensively. Owning, boarding, feeding, and properly caring for a horse or pony is quite expensive, in dollars and time. My first pony cost 750.00, and we had her for 25 years. My parents paid the bills , trucked me (the equestrian) and my three younger brothers (who were not interested) to lessons and shows for 10 years until I could drive myself. Now, farms are being turned into developments and riding opportunities are few and far between. You have to have deep pockets to indulge in riding unless you live in West Yahoo. |
#37
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"dejablues" wrote:
"Rosalie B." wrote in message .. . You can spend a lot on equestrian, but it doesn't have to be humongo expensive. In the beginning the ponies cost $300 to $500, That was a very long time ago. It's different now. You can have fun with horses, but to get serious in the sport means an exponential increase in spending. The better you want to be, the more money you need. There is still plenty of eliticism in the horsey world. I don't think it is that different now. $500 then might be more now, but it is the same in relation to other things. That is - in those days $500 would buy a grade pony or an old car or a certain amount of groceries, and now it would be maybe $2500 which would buy a grade pony, an old car or the same amount of groceries. It did take time, but it wasn't my time, it was their time. I don't ride, and while I've been on a horse a few times, my participation was mostly picking them up from the farm (they rode the school bus to the farm after school) and driving them to shows or events. They belong to 4H and Pony Club which runs things pretty inexpensively. Owning, boarding, feeding, and properly caring for a horse or pony is quite expensive, in dollars and time. My first pony cost 750.00, and we had her for 25 years. My parents paid the bills , trucked me (the equestrian) and my three younger brothers (who were not interested) to lessons and shows for 10 years until I could drive myself. Now, farms are being turned into developments and riding opportunities are few and far between. You have to have deep pockets to indulge in riding unless you live in West Yahoo. We do live in West Yahoo and have since 1973. The area has changed some, but it's still pretty rural. We have three public high schools in the county and one parochial one which also draws from surrounding counties. The farms where we boarded our horses then are still there. It's not as easy to turn them into developments because of zoning restrictions (conservation easements, critical watershed areas and buffer zones around the NAS) and the problems of sewage disposal. A lot of the land won't perk. The county has a total area of 611 mi2 and almost 50% is water. The county north of us is as a total area of 643 miČ and only 28% of it is water. They have 6 high schools. |
#38
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"dejablues" wrote in message ... "JennP." wrote in message ... On Tue, 30 Sep 2008 22:07:19 -0600, "Kat" wrote: Other than hockey - which I will NOT put DS in - Just curious, why not hockey? Does he have an interest? JennP. After equestrian sports, it's probably the most expensive and time-sucking thing you could sign your kid up for. Ever see those bumper stickers that say "Driver carries no cash, kid plays ice hockey" ? I'm not sure of the costs for equestrian sports, but after a convo with a lady I know and have known for years, I've come to the conclusion that her daughter is in the most expensive sport that I have personally come across - jet ski racing and competition lol The cost for the jet skis, the maintenance, even to get to and from various places she competes... They've gone all over for her competitions... All over Canada (and she's the very, very top in her age and the only girl!) and also places in the States (I've heard of Cali, Florida and Hawaii) and places like Mexico or maybe it was around Bahamas or something? THAT is a bit costly lol |
#39
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How to deal with 7 year old?
On Tue, 30 Sep 2008 09:07:42 -0600, "Kat" wrote:
Last night, there was a HUGE explosion. DS came home from school. He wanted to go play outside right away. I made a deal with him that he can play for a bit, but when supper's ready, he comes in, has supper (obviously) and then he must do his homework right after supper before he's allowed to do anything (go back outside, watch TV, computer, whatever) He said that was fine. So, I make supper and while I'm outside at the BBQ, I call for him. And I call. And I call. Supper's on the table, I go out and call again. We're eating supper and go figure, I call again and he's nowhere to be found. At this point, I am more than just ****ed off. He's not supposed to be anywhere that he can't hear me or see the house. Apparently he's decided to do as he pleases. We have supper, finish, and I call him again. Half an hour or so after supper, he's walking around just outside the yard. I tell him simply he needs to come in now. He's with about 3-4 other boys. He yells no at me. Once again, I just tell him he needs to come in now. Once again, he's yelling at me, and quite frankly, I could just about knock his block off. Last time, I tell him it's time to come in. He again yells no and comes in the yard, grabs a football and walks out of the yard. Now I'm ****ed off big time. I basically say he's inside NOW or there's going to be trouble. He runs away from me, ends up throwing the ball at me to try and hit me and storms off in the house, yelling and shouting, even swearing at me. One thing that strikes me here is that you *yell* at him to come in, but don't enforce your command. The other thing that strikes me is that he doesn't feel that he has to stick to any bargain with you. If he really must come in, you need to go and get him and bring him inside. Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had it, I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of resources before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of "resources" that got me nowhere. I doubt if the police can make him listen to you and he probably knows that. How do you know the resources were useless? Did you contact any of them? What kinds of resources were they? I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore. He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3 blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are. He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from him not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are doing. I'm really sick and tired of it. I can understand being sick and tired of it, but.... you are the parent and the adult. It is up to you to figure out what you can do that will work. Last night, after he finally came in (and I had gone out of the yard to drag him in, which is when he was running away and throwing the ball at me) he was yelling and swearing and you name it. Then he ended up saying that it's MY fault that he doesn't have a dad, which is, for the most part, untrue. It does NOT matter if it is true. It's how he feels. You need to acknowledge the feeling without condoning the behavior he is showing. I felt like yelling at him that he doesn't have a proper dad because his dad is a drug addict, selfish, immature, irresponsible and self-centered. Which is true. I hope you did not do this. Despite his dad's character, his dad is his dad and he *will* love him. Badmouthing his dad won't help you. I can't and won't force N to stop by to see the kids. Or help with supporting or raising them. I can't force him to be a proper father, as he should be. I will NOT have him here on drugs or have him come one day, no word for 2 weeks, come another day, basically come and go as he pleases... Tell the kids he's stopping by (or not tell the kids and just keep it to myself thinking he'll be here) and he doesn't come. You cannot force this, I agree. You do need to work on your attitude though. Your son probably senses your anger at his dad. Kids are very sensitive to this even when we don't say anything to them. I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and from a 7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just about ready to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do something with him because I can't and leave. At 7, this is a bad idea. I can't handle his yelling and swearing, taking off and disappearing... Doing as he pleases when he pleases. And when he doesn't get his way, he'll destroy things just to try and **** me off... Like dig holes in the wall, write all over the floor in his room, throw toys around, rip clothes out of his closet and drawers... you name it. I'm really at the end of my rope... Is there ANYTHING to try doing?? You have gotten some decent advice about consequences. I am going to take a different tack and advise you that you need to spend lots of positive time with him. And also, it's not like he doesn't get things... He's in sports (thankfully the season is coming to an end in the next couple weeks) and has more than enough. Taking away fun things or priviledges seems to be useless. I do comment on good behaviour - tell him it makes me happy when he does this, makes me proud when he does that. Nothing seems to be working. Don't tell him it makes you happy when he does this. That is probably demotivating. Instead try to help him figure out that it makes *him* feel good to do the specific behavior. Some things you can try. Role Play. Talk to him about specific behaviors and act them out with his action figures. Perhaps have the action figure do something like going off without telling his *boss.* Ask him how the boss would feel and what the boss would do in that situation. Ask him how the action figure *should* act and why. You will have to figure out the specifics from what you want to work on. Choose only one behavior at a time though or it can become overwhelming. Putting him in activities is good, but.... don't overwhelm him. Make sure he has time with you to just hang out. Give him some chores, but do them *with* him. Have him help you with cooking, cleaning, laundry and use this as an opportunity to talk about his feelings about both you, dad, his sisters, school, etc. Concentrate on the positive things he does and ignore as much of the bad behavior as you can. Do you swear? If so, this is partly where he picked it up, so created a reward for yourself for stopping your own yelling and bad language. Perhaps a little money jar where you both put in a nickel every time you use a silly word instead of a bad word. You can make up some words to use that will be acceptable and that may make you giggle instead of staying angry. Teach him how to breathe. This can be a fun game and all your children can participate. Pretend to be a balloon. Breathe in deeply and raise your arms to simulate being a balloon, then put your arms down when you breathe out. After doing this when it is a game, when he gets angry and swears, try saying balloon and starting it up. He may or may not follow along, but if he does, it should defuse the anger and get you all laughing. Try this game when you are busy with the younger children. Get a plastic easter egg. Pretend to fill it with love. Break it over his head and tell him how much you love him. Try using a squirt gun, but make it into a *love gun* Really ham up your reaction (this is from Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen). Try to empower him by giving him things that are just a little beyond his capabilities and scaffolding him so that he *can* do them and be proud of himself. As he gains competence, let him do these things by himself. Use music. Sing your directions instead of talking or yelling. Sure, you will feel silly, but so what? If it works to play a game like this and lightens your load, then use it. I have lots of sympathy for you as this is hard work, but I also know that when you try staying positive, it changes your life for the better. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits |
#40
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How to deal with 7 year old?
I am sorry that things are so difficult for you, but as many others have said,
there are problems with your parenting style as well as your family's situation at the moment. Here are a few thoughts from another mother of a 7yo boy: 1. Involve the school counsellor. DS isn't in trouble at school -- yet -- but the idea is to *prevent* trouble with his education, not wait till he's running away from school. And I can bet you will get a result if you say, "My husband is a drug addict, I've just made him leave, and I need some help for my son." In fact, I'd be saying it anywhere there is a possibility of help (like the Big Brother people): your DS would be called a "child at risk" here. 2. What exactly have you said to your son about your ex? What does he know and what is he guessing? Frankly, I'd be telling him the truth in a simple way, making it quite clear that the drugs are the problem: those days Daddy used to sit on the couch and ignore us (insert appropriate symptoms here, of course) were caused by drugs. The drugs were stopping him from being a good Daddy, so I had to send him away before he spent all our money on drugs/hurt someone. The school counsellor may be able to help you with this, btw -- even little kids are taught a bit about drugs these days, and the counsellor will know what a child his age is likely to understand and cope with. 3. Nobody else has mentioned it, but how is your child able to leave your house? Don't you have deadlocks? What's to stop your preschoolers walking under a car? 4. Discipline. a. Set a good example yourself. Use 'please' and 'thank you' to the kids and everyone else; keep your word (including threats to remove privileges). Mention your own moral dilemmas and what you did ("I found a wallet in the street this morning and it had lots of money in it..."). Never lie to your child (even if you have to restrict some information or over-simplify). Your children should be able to trust your word absolutely. And apologise if you do something wrong yourself. b. The first part of discipline is prevention: prevent the kid from doing the bad stuff. Hence the deadlocks, for example. Mop up the excess energy and anger with after-school activities, visits to the grandies or after-school care (this will also keep him away from the undesirable companions). Make sure he is having a good nutritious breakfast and that the after-school snack does actually keep him going till dinner. My boys often have two afternoon teas as we eat late. You need to really work on this area, especially as the relationship between the two of you has deteriorated so much. Make it easy to be good. c. The second part of discipline is teaching. Make sure DS knows what your expectations are. Be explicit. I think you are going pretty well at this, judging from the deal you had about homework. Continue to teach him the right forms of words, eg "Thank you for having me", "May I please...", how to leave the table, how to offer condolences or accept congratulations, use his knife and fork, etc. A child who knows What To Do will feel more confident. d. The bit I think you are having real trouble with is consequences for behaviour, bad and good. For example, your response to good behaviour is to tell him that it makes you happy. Is your happiness THE moral standard? Why should a boy of seven be responsible for your happiness anyway? Don't you think he might find the prospect daunting? No, you want him to be polite and responsible, kind and honourable *because those things are right*. So your response to good behaviour should be an approving smile and "That was kind/good manners," or "I'm glad to see you helping Billy with his homework," -- something that describes what is good about what he's doing. There is nothing wrong with saying you are pleased with him, but the emphasis should be not on your feelings but on what he is doing right. With wrongdoing, be equally clear on what he has done wrong. DS1 hates it when I ask, "What did you do wrong? What should you have done?" but it is important to make sure a child knows what was wrong with their behaviour. Often they mistake the reason for our anger. e. When you punish your child, the punishment should occur as close in time to the naughtiness as possible, should not drag on, and should sting (this is not to say that it must be physical, though that does work on some children). Find your son's dislikes and use them -- DS1 here is a chatterbox, so silence/time-out is something that he really hates! Natural consequences are great when they occur promptly, but often they don't, which is why people keep smoking. f. A first-time offence needs a rebuke (that was wrong; this is what you should have done). Deliberate wrongdoing needs punishment/restitution, not threats, moaning, pretending it didn't happen or is someone else's responsibility -- you've seen my complaints about Other People's Children at music class! g. Your DS is a very angry, hurt and confused little boy. I do not believe 'tough love' of the empty-his-room kind is appropriate. I think such treatment would only be OK if the parents had totally stuffed up the discipline, a complete fresh start was required, and there were no other factors at work. ATM your DS needs lots of love and attention, not rejection (if you threw Daddy out, what's to stop you throwing him out? Could he be testing you to see what it takes?). Even with a great deal of understanding on your part, it may still take him a very long time to become the boy you would like to have. 5. DS's world has turned upside down and he is probably trying to get some control over it. Perhaps you can think of other control to give him: "We have a bit extra this week; would you like some Coco Pops or a watermelon as a treat?" If he is doing well at school, that's great -- some of us with separated parents find school a relief as it is predictable, and bury ourselves in work. My parents had an ugly divorce, and my sister and I both have Honours degrees... 6. Single motherhood is grindingly weary at times and needs enormous courage over many years. You will find that courage because -- you have to. Remember to get all the help you can for yourself and your little ones. It is not weakness to accept help any more than it is to offer it. 7. This may not be an option, but consider moving back to your parents' house. Costs won't be so high, and DS will have a father-figure on hand, and you will have more support. Again, my best wishes... -- Chookie -- Sydney, Australia (Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply) http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/ |
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