Name change because parent not visiting child

"Bob Whiteside" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
news

wrote in message
ps.com...
Dear Divorced,

I'm mom of three. Kids don't get the adult inference of surnames. Their
name is their name. It wouldn't occur to a kid that a name "belongs" to
Dad, or that they could make a statement about rejecting someone by
dumping a surname. That's adult logic, not kid logic.

Not true. My daughter, when in the 7th grade, chose to use my family
name
as her last name in school - and she was absolutely making a statement
about
rejecting the father who disappeared from her life nearly 5 years ago.

She continues to use my family name, and when her high school pointed out
that she would need to change it back to have her legal name on her
diploma,
she pointed out that she was using the name she wanted to have appear on
her
diploma.

Back to the point I made earlier - Why did you change your married name
back
to your family name?

I didn't.

Didn't the fact you (or any other mother) changes her
name back to her maiden name cause the child to want to do the same thing
to
be accepted by the mother?

I don't know - I didn't change my last name back.


If a mother retains her married name doesn't that send a signal to the
child
having the same last name as their father is no big deal?

Apparently not, since I retained my married name.


If I am not reading this right I'm sure you'll let me. Then the question
becomes why would a child want to use her mother's maiden name if mom is
still using her married name. Doesn't that cause even more confusion for
the child?

Nope - she knows exactly who she is. She chooses to use my family name
because she feels no affinity to her father, or his family.

Perhaps if any of them had shown any interest in her, she might have felt
differently.



Despite all the denials to the contrary, I think the mother is driving the
name change process by how she deals with her own legal last name.

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
news

wrote in message
ps.com...
Dear Divorced,

I'm mom of three. Kids don't get the adult inference of surnames. Their
name is their name. It wouldn't occur to a kid that a name "belongs" to
Dad, or that they could make a statement about rejecting someone by
dumping a surname. That's adult logic, not kid logic.

Not true. My daughter, when in the 7th grade, chose to use my family
name as her last name in school - and she was absolutely making a
statement about rejecting the father who disappeared from her life nearly
5 years ago.

She continues to use my family name, and when her high school pointed out
that she would need to change it back to have her legal name on her
diploma, she pointed out that she was using the name she wanted to have
appear on her diploma.

Did she graduate last year? Wow! They sure grow up fast! Is she doing
ok now?

Nope, the school was merely looking forward. She's a sophomore this year.

She's doing better, but there will be life-long repercussions from the
attack last year. Apparently, an attack like she sustained causes permanent
changes in the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that controls a fear
reaction. Once changed, it never goes back :-(

Thankfully, the kid who attacked her has been moved out of state - makes her
feel a little safer in a world that she's learned (the hard way) is not a
safe place.

Thanks for asking :-)

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
news

wrote in message
ps.com...
Dear Divorced,

I'm mom of three. Kids don't get the adult inference of surnames. Their
name is their name. It wouldn't occur to a kid that a name "belongs" to
Dad, or that they could make a statement about rejecting someone by
dumping a surname. That's adult logic, not kid logic.

Not true. My daughter, when in the 7th grade, chose to use my family
name as her last name in school - and she was absolutely making a
statement about rejecting the father who disappeared from her life
nearly 5 years ago.

She continues to use my family name, and when her high school pointed
out that she would need to change it back to have her legal name on her
diploma, she pointed out that she was using the name she wanted to have
appear on her diploma.

Did she graduate last year? Wow! They sure grow up fast! Is she doing
ok now?

Nope, the school was merely looking forward. She's a sophomore this year.

Whew! What a relief! I thought time was really getting away from me!


She's doing better, but there will be life-long repercussions from the
attack last year. Apparently, an attack like she sustained causes
permanent changes in the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that
controls a fear reaction. Once changed, it never goes back :-(

That's sad. It's good to hear she is doing better, though. And it's also
good that the little felon is gone!

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
news
wrote in message
ps.com...
Dear Divorced,

I'm mom of three. Kids don't get the adult inference of surnames.
Their
name is their name. It wouldn't occur to a kid that a name "belongs"
to
Dad, or that they could make a statement about rejecting someone by
dumping a surname. That's adult logic, not kid logic.

Not true. My daughter, when in the 7th grade, chose to use my family
name as her last name in school - and she was absolutely making a
statement about rejecting the father who disappeared from her life
nearly 5 years ago.

She continues to use my family name, and when her high school pointed
out that she would need to change it back to have her legal name on her
diploma, she pointed out that she was using the name she wanted to have
appear on her diploma.

Did she graduate last year? Wow! They sure grow up fast! Is she doing
ok now?

Nope, the school was merely looking forward. She's a sophomore this
year.

Whew! What a relief! I thought time was really getting away from me!


She's doing better, but there will be life-long repercussions from the
attack last year. Apparently, an attack like she sustained causes
permanent changes in the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that
controls a fear reaction. Once changed, it never goes back :-(

That's sad. It's good to hear she is doing better, though. And it's also
good that the little felon is gone!

Well, since the day he attacked my daughter, and including that attack, he
managed to get himself arrested 3 times on a variety of charges. I sort of
feel sorry for the citizens of the state to which he's moved.

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
news
wrote in message
ps.com...
Dear Divorced,

I'm mom of three. Kids don't get the adult inference of surnames.
Their
name is their name. It wouldn't occur to a kid that a name "belongs"
to
Dad, or that they could make a statement about rejecting someone by
dumping a surname. That's adult logic, not kid logic.

Not true. My daughter, when in the 7th grade, chose to use my family
name as her last name in school - and she was absolutely making a
statement about rejecting the father who disappeared from her life
nearly 5 years ago.

She continues to use my family name, and when her high school pointed
out that she would need to change it back to have her legal name on
her diploma, she pointed out that she was using the name she wanted to
have appear on her diploma.

Did she graduate last year? Wow! They sure grow up fast! Is she
doing ok now?

Nope, the school was merely looking forward. She's a sophomore this
year.

Whew! What a relief! I thought time was really getting away from me!


She's doing better, but there will be life-long repercussions from the
attack last year. Apparently, an attack like she sustained causes
permanent changes in the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that
controls a fear reaction. Once changed, it never goes back :-(

That's sad. It's good to hear she is doing better, though. And it's
also good that the little felon is gone!

Well, since the day he attacked my daughter, and including that attack, he
managed to get himself arrested 3 times on a variety of charges. I sort
of feel sorry for the citizens of the state to which he's moved.

He didn't come to California, did he? We don't need any more of that here!

I don't feel a huge affinity to my father's family either (mostly they
are nasty turds. a legacy of my great grandfather who was a cold
abusive man whose children were all damaged by him), but it wouldn't
have occurred to me to change my name over it. And when I married, I
quite honestly couldn't be bothered to change my name (mostly a pain in
the rear to accomplish). I asked my future husband if he cared or had a
preference, and he actually got a look of horror on his face at the
idea I'd be Mrs. J. B. III (both grandma and mom were Mrs. J.B.s as
well). At our wedding, the minister announced us as Mrs. JB and Mr.
Mary G. I guess I might have changed my name if my birth surname was
something embarrassing, long or hard to spell (where there were reasons
other than whose patrinomy I was supposedly aligning myself with).

I reiterate, if a kid has asked to have their name changed as a way to
reject a parent, an adult put that notion in their head. I would say a
teen certainly might want to follow through on that, and can chose what
surname to adopt (and even what first name to use, or to change to),
but my impression of the OP was that this was a smaller kid than that.


M.

wrote in message
ups.com...
I don't feel a huge affinity to my father's family either (mostly they
are nasty turds. a legacy of my great grandfather who was a cold
abusive man whose children were all damaged by him), but it wouldn't
have occurred to me to change my name over it. And when I married, I
quite honestly couldn't be bothered to change my name (mostly a pain in
the rear to accomplish). I asked my future husband if he cared or had a
preference, and he actually got a look of horror on his face at the
idea I'd be Mrs. J. B. III (both grandma and mom were Mrs. J.B.s as
well). At our wedding, the minister announced us as Mrs. JB and Mr.
Mary G. I guess I might have changed my name if my birth surname was
something embarrassing, long or hard to spell (where there were reasons
other than whose patrinomy I was supposedly aligning myself with).

I reiterate, if a kid has asked to have their name changed as a way to
reject a parent, an adult put that notion in their head.

In my daughter's case, her father was the adult who put that notion into her
head - he hasn't seen or talked to these kids in 5 years. My daughter came
to me, asking to change her name, and I told her that I really didn't want
more court difficulties, and when she was 18 she could do as she pleased.

I would say a
teen certainly might want to follow through on that, and can chose what
surname to adopt (and even what first name to use, or to change to),
but my impression of the OP was that this was a smaller kid than that.


M.

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
news
wrote in message
ps.com...
Dear Divorced,

I'm mom of three. Kids don't get the adult inference of surnames.
Their
name is their name. It wouldn't occur to a kid that a name "belongs"
to
Dad, or that they could make a statement about rejecting someone by
dumping a surname. That's adult logic, not kid logic.

Not true. My daughter, when in the 7th grade, chose to use my family
name as her last name in school - and she was absolutely making a
statement about rejecting the father who disappeared from her life
nearly 5 years ago.

She continues to use my family name, and when her high school pointed
out that she would need to change it back to have her legal name on
her diploma, she pointed out that she was using the name she wanted
to have appear on her diploma.

Did she graduate last year? Wow! They sure grow up fast! Is she
doing ok now?

Nope, the school was merely looking forward. She's a sophomore this
year.

Whew! What a relief! I thought time was really getting away from me!


She's doing better, but there will be life-long repercussions from the
attack last year. Apparently, an attack like she sustained causes
permanent changes in the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that
controls a fear reaction. Once changed, it never goes back :-(

That's sad. It's good to hear she is doing better, though. And it's
also good that the little felon is gone!

Well, since the day he attacked my daughter, and including that attack,
he managed to get himself arrested 3 times on a variety of charges. I
sort of feel sorry for the citizens of the state to which he's moved.

He didn't come to California, did he? We don't need any more of that
here!

Nope, he isn't in California.

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"teachrmama" wrote in message
...

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
news
wrote in message
ps.com...
Dear Divorced,

I'm mom of three. Kids don't get the adult inference of surnames.
Their
name is their name. It wouldn't occur to a kid that a name
"belongs" to
Dad, or that they could make a statement about rejecting someone by
dumping a surname. That's adult logic, not kid logic.

Not true. My daughter, when in the 7th grade, chose to use my
family name as her last name in school - and she was absolutely
making a statement about rejecting the father who disappeared from
her life nearly 5 years ago.

She continues to use my family name, and when her high school
pointed out that she would need to change it back to have her legal
name on her diploma, she pointed out that she was using the name she
wanted to have appear on her diploma.

Did she graduate last year? Wow! They sure grow up fast! Is she
doing ok now?

Nope, the school was merely looking forward. She's a sophomore this
year.

Whew! What a relief! I thought time was really getting away from me!


She's doing better, but there will be life-long repercussions from the
attack last year. Apparently, an attack like she sustained causes
permanent changes in the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that
controls a fear reaction. Once changed, it never goes back :-(

That's sad. It's good to hear she is doing better, though. And it's
also good that the little felon is gone!

Well, since the day he attacked my daughter, and including that attack,
he managed to get himself arrested 3 times on a variety of charges. I
sort of feel sorry for the citizens of the state to which he's moved.

He didn't come to California, did he? We don't need any more of that
here!

Nope, he isn't in California.

whew

CasualObserver wrote:
ghostwriter wrote:
wrote:
Thanks Ghost writer. I live in Georgia.

My ex and I do not have personality issues or anything. He just doesnt
want to do anything with his son because he choses not to tell the
world (and his girlfriends) that he has a son. I dont have a problem
with it...we are divorced now. But I am concerned about this name thing
affecting my child who feels strange because he has never met this
person who shares his last name. It's just sad.

Personally, if you have the money an hour with an attorney would be
best. If not I would likley file for the name change since he doesnt
really seem to care.

I cant imainge a way that a judge could use to make that sufficient
reason to terminate child support and I suspect that the judge would be
very annoyed if your ex tried that tactic. But judges dont necessarily
need reasons so thats why I suggest seeing the lawyer.

If your ex allows the name change it would be an admission that he
wants nothing to do with his son, but his financial obligations have
nothing to do with his failure to meet personal obligations to his son.

Ghostwriter


The mother asking for the name change is an admission by her that she
doesn't want the father to have anything to do with his son. I can't
imagine that it would be held against him if he cooperates. And if he's
not visiting maybe she has done something really bad to the father. So
if you want to continue making accusations like a typical anti-father
child-support services shill, then let's go...

Alright lets go,

I dont know either person from Adam so I assume that the OP was telling
a minimually skewed version of the facts, you on the other hand took
your personal experiences and pinned your ex's face on the OP.

My understanding based on the OP was that the child is old enough to
wonder why their name isnt the same as mom's and that this bothers
them. Dad hasnt visited in a year but has maintained payments.
Assuming that this is true then, AND I HAVE LITTLE REASON TO ASSUME
OTHERWISE, then no earthly reason exists that this woman cant file for
a name change and give her ex an oppurtunity to challange it if he
wishes. Your assumtion is that since this is a custodial mother
getting child support payments that she is some kind of monster hag,
THE PLURAL OF ANECTDOTE IS NOT EVIDENCE.

I am a long time foster parent, I specialize in girls with histories of
sexual abuse. Dont ever expect anything but contempt if you attempt to
tell me fathers are the ones being mistreated. Yes the system IS far
too tough on the good fathers but that is simply because the good
fathers seldom have a F_#$ING CLUE about the people it is trying to get
to. The truth is that while almost all of the kids that walk though my
door are there because they were neglected/abused by their MOTHERS,
they or their mothers were almost always abused by their FATHERS prior
to the complete failure of the situation. Mom then fled the into
poverty. If even a small percentage of those FATHERS paid their
child-support those children would be in private therapy etc. rather
than in my care.

So yes the systems is too tough, boo f@#$ing hoo. Have a conversation
with a 10year old about what her daddy did to her then come bitching.
If the cost of getting a few of those *******s to support their kids is
that the policy is harsh, I consider it cheap(and will vote to keep it
that way). It also is far cheaper for us as taxpayers since the
failure of a household increases hugely the chance those kids will end
up in prison or having kids in the foster system once they are grown.

That is not to say that there arent a thousand ways the systems could
be made better, but I am tired of getting the same kids back every few
months because the system was too EASY on a BAD father.

ANY INCREASE IN FATHERS RIGHTS MUST BE COUPLED WITH AN INCREASE IN
SOCIAL SERVICES. OTHERWISE MORE FAMILIES WILL FAIL AND WE AS A SOCIETY
WILL BE STUCK WITH THE (MUCH HIGHER) BILL.

IF WE AS A SOCIETY EASE THE BURDEN OFF OF THE GOOD FATHERS MORE OF THE
BAD ONES WILL SLIP THROUGH. THE PRICE TO SOCIETY IS FAR GREATER IF THAT
HAPPENS THAN FORCING GROWN MEN TO DO WITHOUT. YES IT SUCKS, BUT THAT IS
THE SIMPLE TRUTH.

Ghostwriter

PS I am the father of two children by birth and just sent hold my 21st
foster placment. I expect to continue fostering for the rest of my life
and to adopt any child that goes permanent custody while in my care. I
am however 100% in favor of reunification outside of the worst cases.