OT - I know!

Hi,

Sorry, this is totally OT, so please forgive me in advance! It's a
thing that's sort fo worrying me, and it's a relationship thing., I
recognise that probably in a few week's time I'll probably be laughing
at myself in fretting about something that I am blowing out of
proportion. But maybe not?

I am a 46year old Dad and have three lovely daughters. My partner
(I'll call 'L') of 7 months is 38 and has two teenage sons. L is
pretty, loving, friendly, chatty, great Mom (and I'm a very good Dad
too, I could eat my kids and she could hers!) and, basically, we love
each other very very much...our times together are amazing and for us.
The physical side is brilliant but it's very much an emotional link
too. Just amazing for both of us.

L's son plays football, and it turns out that he is playing in a major
match in 3 week's time. Last night L said she has booked to go to
watch him play in London. The son wil have to have a couple of days
preparing with the team and thus the journey will include a coach
journey and staying four nights at a hotel etc. She's booked into it,
and said that it's a thing where Moms/Dads are going to etc. to
support their kids and all that. Now, in reality it's football and the
coach is bound to be 80/90% men, and their sons. She's single, pretty,
and not engaged to me or anything. Have I reason to be anxious? Or am
I being silly?

If the role was reversed and I said to her "here, my daughter's
netball team are having a few days in Birmingham, and I've booked into
a coach with their parents etc. to see them play etc. It's OK, it's a
family coach etc. (but in reality, it'll be mainly Moms of course).
We're staying at a hotel together". If you're a woman how would this
feel to you, if your male partner said this? Would you think 'OK
that's great, have a lovely time?' or would you be concerned?

So, she's ona footballing coach, single. The men there are in many
cases 'away from home' or single Dads, sport/competition and thus
adrenaline/testosterone-hyped, staying in a hotel together, and
there's a single woman in the party.

What do you reckon? Yeh, I know as well as you do that in a good
relationship I shouldn't worry....trust etc. and all that...but what
about the real world? What about reality? Is this really my
'insecurities' showing in abundance, or would most people feel the way
I do?

Thanks, Mark.

"Mark, Devon" wrote in

ps.com:

Hi,

hi

What do you reckon? Yeh, I know as well as you do that in a
good relationship I shouldn't worry....trust etc. and all
that...but what about the real world? What about reality?
Is this really my 'insecurities' showing in abundance, or
would most people feel the way I do?

it is normal to be concerned about her safety, but in this
case you're going way overboard. she's 38. she can take care
of herself & doesn't need a "dad" as a male partner.
look at it this way, *none* of the adult males on the trip
will be actually alone. they are with their kids at the least.
maybe it's my personality but if any guy started hovering
over me like you seem inclined to do, i'd be outta there.
lee


--
Last night while sitting in my chair
I pinged a host that wasn't there
It wasn't there again today
The host resolved to NSA.

*it is normal to be concerned about her safety, but in this
case you're going way overboard. she's 38. she can take care
of herself & doesn't need a "dad" as a male partner.
*look at it this way, *none* of the adult males on the trip
will be actually alone. they are with their kids at the least.
*maybe it's my personality but if any guy started hovering
over me like you seem inclined to do, i'd be outta there.
lee

Thanks Lee, I appreciate what you are saying. Believe me, I'm trying
to be 'OK' with it all, and probably am not too far off from that
position. Just some nagging doubts....like why didn't she ask me to go
with them? I don't want to ask her, 'cos I don't want to make a big
deal out of it (though I know I have inside my head!). She probably
just wants some quality-time with her lad etc.

But reassure me (sorry to be so difficult, but I am 'getting there'
now!!) - honestly, if you have a good looking and single male partner
and he booked himself on the netballing trip as I suggested, and
stayed in the same hotel with mainly women, would you just happily
accept that without any concerns? Bearing in mind that they'll
probably eat together, go to the bar and drink together, perhaps have
a last-night 'do' together etc. Under such circumstances you would
feel just a little anxious? Yeh, I know - well, if the relationship is
strong etc. no you wouldn't worry at all. I know that's the theory!! I
know it :-) (but come on, affairs do happen!). It would be
interesting if I put that same scenario to her - and you know what? I
think she'd be concerned just like me, and possibly more so.

"Mark, Devon" wrote in message
...

it is normal to be concerned about her safety, but in this
case you're going way overboard. she's 38. she can take care
of herself & doesn't need a "dad" as a male partner.
look at it this way, *none* of the adult males on the trip
will be actually alone. they are with their kids at the least.
maybe it's my personality but if any guy started hovering
over me like you seem inclined to do, i'd be outta there.
lee

Thanks Lee, I appreciate what you are saying. Believe me, I'm trying
to be 'OK' with it all, and probably am not too far off from that
position. Just some nagging doubts....like why didn't she ask me to go
with them?

Because she wants to spend some time alone with HER son. You may be the best
"step dad" (for want of a better word) in the world, but it still changes
the dynamics of their relationship when you are there. the one-to-one
attention is very different if someone else is there, however nice they are.



I don't want to ask her, 'cos I don't want to make a big
deal out of it (though I know I have inside my head!). She probably
just wants some quality-time with her lad etc.

And also gives you the opportunity to be with the others?

But reassure me (sorry to be so difficult, but I am 'getting there'
now!!) - honestly, if you have a good looking and single male partner
and he booked himself on the netballing trip as I suggested, and
stayed in the same hotel with mainly women, would you just happily
accept that without any concerns? Bearing in mind that they'll
probably eat together, go to the bar and drink together, perhaps have
a last-night 'do' together etc. Under such circumstances you would
feel just a little anxious? Yeh, I know - well, if the relationship is
strong etc. no you wouldn't worry at all. I know that's the theory!! I
know it :-) (but come on, affairs do happen!). It would be
interesting if I put that same scenario to her - and you know what? I
think she'd be concerned just like me, and possibly more so.

To be honest, I wouldn't particularly want to be the only female going on
something like that. Also if anything did happen between her and another,
then it would be much more obvious than if there were numbers of others
going, as she will stand out.
I can't see dh wanting to go on something that would be only females, he'd
be grateful for an excuse as to why it should be me. But if he did, then I
wouldn't be worried as I know his first priority would be the daughter.
Debbie

On Tue, 4 Mar 2008 04:52:06 -0800 (PST), "Mark, Devon"
wrote:


*it is normal to be concerned about her safety, but in this
case you're going way overboard. she's 38. she can take care
of herself & doesn't need a "dad" as a male partner.
*look at it this way, *none* of the adult males on the trip
will be actually alone. they are with their kids at the least.
*maybe it's my personality but if any guy started hovering
over me like you seem inclined to do, i'd be outta there.
lee

Thanks Lee, I appreciate what you are saying. Believe me, I'm trying
to be 'OK' with it all, and probably am not too far off from that
position. Just some nagging doubts....like why didn't she ask me to go
with them? I don't want to ask her, 'cos I don't want to make a big
deal out of it (though I know I have inside my head!). She probably
just wants some quality-time with her lad etc.

But reassure me (sorry to be so difficult, but I am 'getting there'
now!!) - honestly, if you have a good looking and single male partner
and he booked himself on the netballing trip as I suggested, and
stayed in the same hotel with mainly women, would you just happily
accept that without any concerns? Bearing in mind that they'll
probably eat together, go to the bar and drink together, perhaps have
a last-night 'do' together etc. Under such circumstances you would
feel just a little anxious? Yeh, I know - well, if the relationship is
strong etc. no you wouldn't worry at all. I know that's the theory!! I
know it :-) (but come on, affairs do happen!). It would be
interesting if I put that same scenario to her - and you know what? I
think she'd be concerned just like me, and possibly more so.

Okay, so you're concerned about the potential for her having an
affair. Fine, but you're just buying trouble you don't need. You can
just accept that she's going and try your best not to worry, or you
can drive yourself batty over the whole thing.

Look at it this way.... if she wanted to fool around on you she could
just as easily do it closer to home.

Either talk to her about it (which might not sit well with her if she
feels you don't trust her), or let it go and stop worrying.

Nan

In article ,
Mark, Devon says...

Hi,

Sorry, this is totally OT, so please forgive me in advance! It's a
thing that's sort fo worrying me, and it's a relationship thing., I
recognise that probably in a few week's time I'll probably be laughing
at myself in fretting about something that I am blowing out of
proportion. But maybe not?

I am a 46year old Dad and have three lovely daughters. My partner
(I'll call 'L') of 7 months is 38 and has two teenage sons. L is
pretty, loving, friendly, chatty, great Mom (and I'm a very good Dad
too, I could eat my kids and she could hers!) and, basically, we love
each other very very much...our times together are amazing and for us.
The physical side is brilliant but it's very much an emotional link
too. Just amazing for both of us.

L's son plays football, and it turns out that he is playing in a major
match in 3 week's time. Last night L said she has booked to go to
watch him play in London. The son wil have to have a couple of days
preparing with the team and thus the journey will include a coach
journey and staying four nights at a hotel etc. She's booked into it,
and said that it's a thing where Moms/Dads are going to etc. to
support their kids and all that. Now, in reality it's football and the
coach is bound to be 80/90% men, and their sons. She's single, pretty,
and not engaged to me or anything. Have I reason to be anxious? Or am
I being silly?

Um, yes you're being silly. Clearly, she's been going on these things all
along, and it's necessary for her sons. Your even considering that this might
be changed for your sake would be a big red flag to me that your jealousy would
be driving this relationship and your lives.


If the role was reversed and I said to her "here, my daughter's
netball team are having a few days in Birmingham, and I've booked into
a coach with their parents etc. to see them play etc. It's OK, it's a
family coach etc. (but in reality, it'll be mainly Moms of course).
We're staying at a hotel together". If you're a woman how would this
feel to you, if your male partner said this? Would you think 'OK
that's great, have a lovely time?' or would you be concerned?

It would be no different turned around.

Unless you're saying that you know *you* wouldn't be well-behaved in such a
venue...

Do you really think that people are just piles of sexual nerve endings who would
sully their lives (s**t in their nests, so to speak) by fooling around with, or
at least in view of, those in their home communities who are important to the
lives and activities of their families and children??

Furthermore, don't you have any confidence that she's happy with you?


So, she's ona footballing coach, single. The men there are in many
cases 'away from home' or single Dads, sport/competition and thus
adrenaline/testosterone-hyped, staying in a hotel together, and
there's a single woman in the party.


I've been there many times - a single woman amoung men at various functions
related to my son's Scout and scale modelling club.

What do you reckon? Yeh, I know as well as you do that in a good
relationship I shouldn't worry....trust etc. and all that...but what
about the real world? What about reality? Is this really my
'insecurities' showing in abundance, or would most people feel the way
I do?

People vary in the real world.

Banty

In article , enigma says...

"Mark, Devon" wrote in

ps.com:

Hi,

hi

What do you reckon? Yeh, I know as well as you do that in a
good relationship I shouldn't worry....trust etc. and all
that...but what about the real world? What about reality?
Is this really my 'insecurities' showing in abundance, or
would most people feel the way I do?

it is normal to be concerned about her safety, but in this
case you're going way overboard. she's 38. she can take care
of herself & doesn't need a "dad" as a male partner.
look at it this way, *none* of the adult males on the trip
will be actually alone. they are with their kids at the least.

I didn't get that he's worried about her *safety*. But even so, that's not a
concern either.

maybe it's my personality but if any guy started hovering
over me like you seem inclined to do, i'd be outta there.

Ditto.

Banty

In article ,
Mark, Devon says...


=A0it is normal to be concerned about her safety, but in this
case you're going way overboard. she's 38. she can take care
of herself & doesn't need a "dad" as a male partner.
=A0look at it this way, *none* of the adult males on the trip
will be actually alone. they are with their kids at the least.
=A0maybe it's my personality but if any guy started hovering
over me like you seem inclined to do, i'd be outta there.
lee

Thanks Lee, I appreciate what you are saying. Believe me, I'm trying
to be 'OK' with it all, and probably am not too far off from that
position. Just some nagging doubts....like why didn't she ask me to go
with them? I don't want to ask her, 'cos I don't want to make a big
deal out of it (though I know I have inside my head!). She probably
just wants some quality-time with her lad etc.

Maybe because you and she are too new to be considered an 'item' by everyone she
knows. Possibly, she's picked up on your vibe about this, and knows she'd be
hitched at your hip. But mostly, this all along has been her thing to share
with her son and she wants to continue to share it with her son.

You do know that married couples wouldn't necessarily be accompanying each other
to these things, job schedules and all.


But reassure me (sorry to be so difficult, but I am 'getting there'
now!!) - honestly, if you have a good looking and single male partner
and he booked himself on the netballing trip as I suggested, and
stayed in the same hotel with mainly women, would you just happily
accept that without any concerns? Bearing in mind that they'll
probably eat together, go to the bar and drink together, perhaps have
a last-night 'do' together etc. Under such circumstances you would
feel just a little anxious? Yeh, I know - well, if the relationship is
strong etc. no you wouldn't worry at all. I know that's the theory!! I
know it :-) (but come on, affairs do happen!). It would be
interesting if I put that same scenario to her - and you know what? I
think she'd be concerned just like me, and possibly more so.

This turning things around is a bit odd. Think - in only a generation past,
nearly all men went to work, and often travelled far related to work. This
isn't such a weird or out of the ordinary thing. Putting "how would you feel if
your man was away" to an audience including many people who packed their
husband's bags for weeks at conferences falls pretty flat.

If an affair happens (highly unlikely for the reasons I stated in my other
post), you know you'd need to look elsewhere anyway, right? Why do you seem so
personally threatened by this?

Your relationship is way more threatened by this jealousy than any dallying that
might happen.

Banty

Your relationship is way more threatened by this jealousy than any dallying that
might happen.

Thanks, I agree with what you and everyone here has said :-) I shall
support her in her support for her son.

"Mark, Devon" wrote in

ups.com:

But reassure me (sorry to be so difficult, but I am
'getting there' now!!) - honestly, if you have a good
looking and single male partner and he booked himself on
the netballing trip as I suggested, and stayed in the same
hotel with mainly women, would you just happily accept that
without any concerns? Bearing in mind that they'll probably
eat together, go to the bar and drink together, perhaps
have a last-night 'do' together etc. Under such
circumstances you would feel just a little anxious?

not in the least. sorry, but if my partner (i'm not married)
were to be the only male on a trip with a bunch of women it
wouldn't bother me in the least, & for the same reason i gave
you. they would be there with their children.
your girlfriend's son is high-school age, correct? do you
seriously think that the parents are going to leave the kids
*unsupervised* while they go to the bar for drinks or at some
kind of "do"? i'm sure these are responsible adults on this
trip, and are not going to be off shagging each other &
ignoring the kids, hmm.
lee