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#21
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
"Ignoramus25241" wrote in message
... In article 846uc.4373$aN1.1335@fe21, Auntie Em wrote: Paula, Judging from the quality of your writing I can see that you are an extremely intelligent person. How in the world you could have screwed up your life this badly is far beyond my ability to comprehend. You need to adopt this child out to a family (mother and father) who can give it a normal, healthy, happy life. And you need to get some serious counseling to improve your self esteem which is apparently very low. You had no business bringing a child into the world under these circumstances - and you know it. you gotta be ****ting me auntie! The kid is 16 months old! He is already attached to his mother... i So what? Does that justify the next 17+ years of living in an environment that is not healthy for the child? How many "men" is this child going to get attached to, only to have them walk out on their mother (or worse, beat her and possibly them also). This woman does not know how to pick men. Can you honestly say that this kid wouldn't be better off in a loving, family environment. Em |
#22
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
"Marty Billingsley" wrote in message
... In article 846uc.4373$aN1.1335@fe21, Auntie Em Auntie wrote: Paula, Judging from the quality of your writing I can see that you are an extremely intelligent person. How in the world you could have screwed up your life this badly is far beyond my ability to comprehend. You need to adopt this child out to a family (mother and father) who can give it a normal, healthy, happy life. And you need to get some serious counseling to improve your self esteem which is apparently very low. You had no business bringing a child into the world under these circumstances - and you know it. Nonsense. Paula, don't listen to this person! You were willing, and tried hard, to be a mother before -- a single mom, with doner sperm, you said. So at a minimum you have that! (Yipee!) Now, you also have somebody in your life who has an interest in your daughter. Is it possible to relax and not push it and let things run their course? Maybe put *your* relationship with this guy on hold, and both of you enjoy your daughter. If that means that occasionally he'll take her, well then, you get a break! If it just means that you have somebody to chat with once in a while and relate all the cute things that your daughter has been doing lately, well that's significant too, and makes being a single mom not nearly so lonely. As others have pointed out, this guy might not be dependable. So don't depend on him -- don't stress out over things that he promises but doesn't deliver -- but do take advantage of whatever he has to offer. If he offers money, take it. But don't base your life on getting it. If he offers to host your daughter on alternate weekends, accept the offer. But don't get upset if he backs out. That just adds more stress to your life. Above all, ENJOY YOUR DAUGHTER!!! Best of luck, - marty (single mom to Alex & Andie, 3-year-old girls) Really? Who is raising your children for 8-10 hours a day while you are off earning a living? Do you really think that they are receiving the care, love, and nurturing that they need? Em |
#23
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
This is the most pathetic post I have ever written.
Paula, Jesus Christ! Have some integrity, Have some self respect. Why are you wasting your life with all this stupidity. Get a man who loves you and can marry you and can take care of you and your little illigetimate child. Your current situation is a one-way ticket to Nowheresville. Can't you see that? Move on - get a life - more importantly GET SOME SELF ESTEEM will you please? Em |
#24
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
On Sat, 29 May 2004, Paula wrote: Paula shared the following perspective and opinions: Doug Anderson shared the following perspective and opinions: I've been thinking about your post some more. I guess what you are trying to figure out is what your future relationship with Dr Zhivago should be. It seems to me like you have three basic options: 1) maintain a civil but distant relationship as coparents. You have no real relationship in this case except through your daughter. This is the one I think I'd choose since your description of Z. makes him sound like an irresponsible and undependable sort of person. 2) Decide you would like him to leave Mrs. Z. for you. Tell him this, and tell him the options are either: divorce, come be with you, or option 1 above. 3) Continuing to muddle along not being sure what you want or what you get. Watch Z. make a hash out of his first family, and likely a hash out of his relationship with you and your daughter. I've probably left out other options (Oh, 4: polygamy). But what seems like a critical issue for you is figuring out which of these options you actually _want_. Add Option (as presented by him): He becomes her "birth-father", provides financial support, but has no contact with me and contact with her later in life only if she initiates it. Actually, I should have said as presented by his wife to him, and by him to me... Or so he says. Listen, this man has said from the very beginning he is committed to his marriage (in that cheater's sort of way of course). He's now in counseling and making an attempt to repair the damage done to that marriage. He's pulled back from contact with the child and he's floating alternatives by you to see your reaction. His life is going to be easier if he no longer sees you or the child and simply sends a check each month. This is true whether he loves you or not and he's beginning to realize that. I think he's trying to avoid making a decision; trying to avoid hurting anyone in spite of the fact he's hurt everyone; and pretty soon it's all going to come to a head. It definitely can't go on forever like it is now. YOU are going to have to take the lead and the sooner you do it, the better it will be for everyone. If it were me, I'd discuss the options with him NOW. I've always hated ultimatums but in this case, I think it's time the guy either sh*ts or gets off the pot. You too, for that matter! (And i mean that in as nice a way as possible... I do not envy you your sitation and would be struggling too if I were you.) If you don't know which option to take, lay them all on the table for discussion. But be forewarned, chances are his wife has already laid out some ultimatums of her own and that's why he hasn't been around... and why he's bringing up the subject of child support with no contact. |
#25
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
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#26
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
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#27
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
On Sat, 29 May 2004 19:44:28 GMT, Paula
wrote: I have a long history of some pretty sad mistakes with respect to men and love. I submit that you have some issues with co-depdendency. If you can address those issues within yourself, you may find that relationship issues go some way to sorting themselves out. Immediately prior to this man I had spent about 3 years choosing to remain single and not venturing into the realm of dating because I knew that I had my own issues to sort through before I could build a successful relationship. But to seek that successful relationship you jumped into bed with a man who you didn't even know, but suspected was married. He admitted to you that he had problems at home, but didn't allude to them. If he leaves his wife and moves in with you, what's he going to do when such problems emerge again, as they do? We had made a very intense connection and the sex was amazing . I believe it often is in such situations. I had great sex with women who I later realised I didn't even particularly like. The lust kind of blind-sided me to that reality - until the lust and the sex wore off. And I discovered that telling a woman I love her can be a tremendously powerful tool for controlling things. He says that he does not want to walk away from her, but he also says that he can't love her and not love me ... that we are a package. Sure he can. He just might not want to. But each time he's in bed with you, it's hurting his wife. Each time he's in bed with her, it's hurting you. I think that I can have a co-parent-only relationship with him. He has consistantly chosen to do what he needs to do for his marriage and his children Even when in bed with you? They are currently seeing a counselor, and he's made the comment that they, at least, need to stay together until their kids graduate from high school. Are you sure his wife knows his apparent level of commitment to their marriage? Semantics aside, he may not have lied but he's not been, and is still not being, entirely honest. You're faced with some tough choices, and someone somewhere is not going to get what they really want. |
#28
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
In article , Auntie Em says...
"Ignoramus25241" wrote in message ... In article 846uc.4373$aN1.1335@fe21, Auntie Em wrote: Paula, Judging from the quality of your writing I can see that you are an extremely intelligent person. How in the world you could have screwed up your life this badly is far beyond my ability to comprehend. You need to adopt this child out to a family (mother and father) who can give it a normal, healthy, happy life. And you need to get some serious counseling to improve your self esteem which is apparently very low. You had no business bringing a child into the world under these circumstances - and you know it. you gotta be ****ting me auntie! The kid is 16 months old! He is already attached to his mother... i So what? Does that justify the next 17+ years of living in an environment that is not healthy for the child? How many "men" is this child going to get attached to, only to have them walk out on their mother (or worse, beat her and possibly them also). This woman does not know how to pick men. Can you honestly say that this kid wouldn't be better off in a loving, family environment. Em How do *you* know there would be "men" walking out? Funny thing is, Em, single mothers like me can adopt - who knows, maybe the adoptive mom will have men bouncing in and out. Or you're ideologically attached to married couples raising kids?? Well - guess what - seems the father is part of one of those wunnerful maried couples. This is really out of line, your telling her to adopt out. Especially at this point. Banty |
#29
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
In article , Auntie Em says...
"Marty Billingsley" wrote in message ... In article 846uc.4373$aN1.1335@fe21, Auntie Em Auntie wrote: Paula, Judging from the quality of your writing I can see that you are an extremely intelligent person. How in the world you could have screwed up your life this badly is far beyond my ability to comprehend. You need to adopt this child out to a family (mother and father) who can give it a normal, healthy, happy life. And you need to get some serious counseling to improve your self esteem which is apparently very low. You had no business bringing a child into the world under these circumstances - and you know it. Nonsense. Paula, don't listen to this person! You were willing, and tried hard, to be a mother before -- a single mom, with doner sperm, you said. So at a minimum you have that! (Yipee!) Now, you also have somebody in your life who has an interest in your daughter. Is it possible to relax and not push it and let things run their course? Maybe put *your* relationship with this guy on hold, and both of you enjoy your daughter. If that means that occasionally he'll take her, well then, you get a break! If it just means that you have somebody to chat with once in a while and relate all the cute things that your daughter has been doing lately, well that's significant too, and makes being a single mom not nearly so lonely. As others have pointed out, this guy might not be dependable. So don't depend on him -- don't stress out over things that he promises but doesn't deliver -- but do take advantage of whatever he has to offer. If he offers money, take it. But don't base your life on getting it. If he offers to host your daughter on alternate weekends, accept the offer. But don't get upset if he backs out. That just adds more stress to your life. Above all, ENJOY YOUR DAUGHTER!!! Best of luck, - marty (single mom to Alex & Andie, 3-year-old girls) Really? Who is raising your children for 8-10 hours a day while you are off earning a living? Do you really think that they are receiving the care, love, and nurturing that they need? Em Oh, dear. These children have no Auntie Em to take care of them... Banty |
#30
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looking for other perspectives (very long)
On Sat, 29 May 2004 22:01:52 GMT, Paula
wrote: Tony Miller shared the following perspective and opinions: On Sat, 29 May 2004 20:30:39 GMT, Paula wrote: ... snip ... NO. And yes, I've thought of that. Maybe I'm naive, maybe I believe that with communication comes honesty (This is the only promise that I have asked him to make to me - that he never lie to me. I'm the kind of person that can never totally forgive a deliberate, intentional lie.), maybe, maybe, maybe ... I don't know if I could ever truly trust him, maybe I would always be suspicious and watching. Previously, you wrote: : Immediately following that weekend, I asked him if he was married. He : told me that he was, implied that he wasn't fully satisfied but gave : no details, and said that he would "never leave his children". I submit that this was a lie of omission to get into your pants. So he already has a history of lying to you. Had he told you at the onset that he was married, would you have had sex with him? Please explain the relevance and I will provide the answer. Sure. Trying to determine if he was the kind of guy who would lie even if the truth was easier. -Tony -- "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time to fertilize your lawn!" Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend. Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information. |
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