Good Newsweek article

Sue wrote:
That's how I was raised. But, that's not how kids are being raised
today. In
many parent's eyes today, the bar has been raised to see how many
activities
your kid can do and what grade level the child is reading, etc. And
you're
considered a bad parent if your child doesn't perform in the "gifted
level."

Excellent post!

This part reminded me of this recent experience:

Went to DD10's parent/teacher conference at the beginning of this
school year. The teacher expressed concern that "DD is not where we'd
like her to be." We were, of course, immediately worried.

"DD is not yet at 6th grade level for math. She's not yet at 6th grade
level for reading. She's not yet at 6th grade level for science." Etc,
etc ....

Finally, I piped up and said, "But... this is *fifth* grade!"

Answer? "Yes, but in this district, we expect all our fifth graders to
be doing sixth grade work by this time."

It's enough to drive you crazy!!

The happy ending is that we just got her mid-term report card, and she
is now solidly at 6th grade level, and at 7th in a few areas (reading,
writing). We did nothing, as parents, to help bring her up to that
level, no extra coaching, etc. She "caught up" when she was ready.

jen

wrote in message
My husband and I have already decided that our kids will be allowed to
choose one activity per semester - one lesson, one club, one class
outside of school. If they are able to do so in a way that doesn't
inconvenience the rest of the family, they can choose to pick up Scouts
or something too. We are not going to be one of those families who
never has dinner together because the kids are always at practice or
lessons or whatnot. It's a choice, not a requirement.

But then, what if you have three children like me. One activity for each
child and that is three activities, three times a week. They don't always
have things that are on the same day and they are not always interested in
the same things, so following three different schedules may be a
possibility. Two girls are in scouts and one daughter is in the choir. Choir
is on Mondays and yes she misses dinner, but she loves it and is excelling
in it that I am not going to tell her no because she misses one dinner with
the family. The other two are in scouts and they are not on the same night
or even in the same week. Their schedules are more managable and they don't
miss dinner.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

Irene wrote:
I actually saw that one this morning, before you posted it.

One thing in the article that jumped out at me that no one else has
mentioned, is the lack of good part-time daycare. That's actually
one
of the biggest things that I'd like to see - more availability of
flexible part-time daycare. Of course, there are a lot of reasons
why
it doesn't exist - day care providers have maximum numbers of kids
they
can watch, and are trying to fill up each space so they don't have to
charge a small fortune. So that if you do get part-time daycare, you
need to have a fixed schedule so some other kid can fill the other
spot. I'm not sure how to legislate around that...

Irene

And then there's the whole FUD factor: Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. We are
in a society that has become increasingly paranoid over everything ...
terrorists, hackers, identity theft, and a whole lot more, and usually
the paranoia is way out of proportion to the reality. As parents we use
car seats, insist on bike helmets, worry about nitrates in the cooked
carrots, it goes on and on.

Count in to that day care providers. You hear countless horror stories
about the parents who carefully screened the day care provider, and the
person ended up shaking the baby to death. Or, for example, on recent
Law & Order show, the providers were running a meth lab in the day care
while the children napped!


jen

Sue wrote:
wrote in message
What a pessimistic view of motherhood!!

It's definitely not a pessimestic view. It's spot on. You don't have
kids
yet, so you will naturally say that moms don't have to do all those
things.
They don't, but the pressure to do those things is there whether it
is said
or unsaid. But wait until you feel the pressure to have your child
reading
by age 2 and the go to the best schools and so on.

And it's not necessarily the "best school" by some external pressure -
I couldn't care less about that. But I do feel pressure to find the
best school *for my kid.* Which is why ds is not in pre-school,
actually - I haven't found the right place for his personality. (Well,
I thought I had over the summer, and then the trial day at Montessori
came and they said he wasn't ready. I think he's ready now, but they
are full, and I haven't found anyplace else with an opening that I
like.)

It's funny - I promised myself that my kids wouldn't be the
over-scheduled toddlers that don't know what to do with themselves. I
may have gone too far in the other direction - ds is 3.5, and is only
now in his first scheduled type of activity (once a week gymnastics).


When I was a kid I took piano lessons for several years, then
switched
to cello. I had after school activities, and I rode the late bus
or my
bike home. If I wanted to join something, I was responsible for
making
it work - not my mom. One year I wanted to take PE during summer
school (you got to wear your own swim suit instead of the nasty
ones
that the school provided during the year). I rode my bike to
school,
ran and swam for the entire morning, then rode home. I was in the
best
shape of my life that summer.

That's how I was raised. But, that's not how kids are being raised
today. In
many parent's eyes today, the bar has been raised to see how many
activities
your kid can do and what grade level the child is reading, etc. And
you're
considered a bad parent if your child doesn't perform in the "gifted
level."
And heaven forbid if don't buy every toy that is educational. There
is a
unsurmountable pressure to perform. I don't like it and I certainly
am not
raising my kids that way. But, I feel the overwhelming pressure to be
that
way.

And I was raised with multiple activities, actually. I had a combined
gymnastics/ballet/tap class from around 3 years thru 3rd grade. I also
had once/wk religious school, until Hebrew school started in 4th grade,
so that was 2x/wk plus Sunday school. Hebrew school ended in junior
high, but I had Monday Night School in high school. In 4th grade, I
dropped dance to pick up viola, which I did as my major activity
through high school (including pit orchestra for variety show and
spring musical). I also had skating lessons & swimming lessons on a
less regular basis, tho never a team sport. Oh, and Girl Scouts for a
few years. My mom was a SAHM, and drove us around. Oh yeah, I have
one sister, and she did most of the same activities (tho not always at
the same times).

I'm sure that my kids won't want to do exactly the same things as me,
but I'm sure they'll have major activities they want to do, and we'll
have to find a way to manage it. I've already warned dh that once the
kids hit school age, I'll still want to work pt to manage activities!
So, I guess I'd say I have internal expectations for a certain level of
activities, based on how I was raised, and not on any external
pressures.


As I said, you need to wait until you have a child to really know and
understand what all of these issues really are. Right now, it's easy
to say
that you won't do all those things, and you may not, but I am betting
my
money that you will feel the same pressures as many moms do right
now.

This is true - I'm still trying to figure out how to balance what I
think is reasonable vs how other families do things. For me, it's not
things like activities as much as things like birthday party madness.
I'll do a theme, for instance, but I won't go over the top with it the
way I see some people do. So far, ds hasn't seemed to care - but I'm
sure the day will come when he starts asking for things the way he's
seen it, like the puppet show at his cousin's party.

Irene

Melania wrote:
Just contemplating that possibility makes me sad. I'm not sure I
agree,
though - I think for a lot of women it *does* boil down to having
something to prove to themselves: I'm not "just" a mom, I'm not
merely
"good enough", being a mother now isn't wasting the education I got
earlier (or all those years of career building I put in), being a
working mom *shouldn't* mean someone else is raising my kids . . .
and
so on. I don't think it's parents, usually, but just mothers. I have
a
friend who wants to have kids, someday, but doesn't want to budge at
all in her career. She's already terrified about how she's going to
handle it. It isn't that she doesn't think her parents did a good
job,
just that she has a really different life than her parents do/did.

My mother wanted me to have a career. She spent her free time actively
involved in the feminist cause. She'd watch her friends' kids, along
with her own, while her friends pursued careers.

I intended on continuing to work, but once I got pregnant, something
clicked in and I just couldn't bear the thought. So I was a SAHM for
five years, during which time, I was one of these moms going silently
crazy and not being able to live up to the pressures outlined in the
article.

I am back in the workforce but I've found a great balance. I do need a
career - it adds something to my life. But I set firm boundaries. I
found a job that enables me to work from home, make my own hours, and
prioritize family life much more easily.

jen

shinypenny wrote:
Sue wrote:
That's how I was raised. But, that's not how kids are being raised
today. In
many parent's eyes today, the bar has been raised to see how many
activities
your kid can do and what grade level the child is reading, etc. And
you're
considered a bad parent if your child doesn't perform in the
"gifted
level."

Excellent post!

This part reminded me of this recent experience:

Went to DD10's parent/teacher conference at the beginning of this
school year. The teacher expressed concern that "DD is not where we'd
like her to be." We were, of course, immediately worried.

"DD is not yet at 6th grade level for math. She's not yet at 6th
grade
level for reading. She's not yet at 6th grade level for science."
Etc,
etc ....

Finally, I piped up and said, "But... this is *fifth* grade!"

Answer? "Yes, but in this district, we expect all our fifth graders
to
be doing sixth grade work by this time."

It's enough to drive you crazy!!

The happy ending is that we just got her mid-term report card, and
she
is now solidly at 6th grade level, and at 7th in a few areas
(reading,
writing). We did nothing, as parents, to help bring her up to that
level, no extra coaching, etc. She "caught up" when she was ready.

jen

Oh my God. I'd have been so close to responding to the teacher's line
about "Yes, but in this district, we expect all our fifth graders to be
doing sixth grade work by this time" with "gee, why are we still
calling it the fifth grade, then?"

Maybe I should just move home . . . . my grade school French teacher is
trying to convince me my kids should become part of her "second
generation" (i.e., I was in the first when she started working there).
That sounds good. I know a lot of the teachers and parents there. I
think it would be okay. Alas, no work for dh there.

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

"Irrational Number" wrote in message
...


Yep, it's all about choices. My stepmother-in-law
is a dingbat, but she has a great phrase: Being
Supermom is also about being yourself. I think the
woman who spent 3 hours with her kid before work,
then 3 hours after work was insane. Where's her
husband???



I've lived that life. Up until last year I worked full time. I saw my kids
for a few hours a day. My husband's military. He doesn't have set hours
and he's often gone for half the year. It's not fair to assume people
always have spouses who *can* help them out, but don't.

Denise

wrote:

I have no sympathy for women who sign their 9 kids up for 4 different
after school activities each, and then complain that they spend all
their time in the car.

snip

My husband and I have already decided that our kids will be allowed to
choose one activity per semester - one lesson, one club, one class
outside of school.

But if you had 9 kids and chose to abide by your one activity per term
rule you'd still find your arse permanently in the car, it's simple math.

Andrea

wrote in message

My husband and I have already decided that our kids will be allowed to
choose one activity per semester - one lesson, one club, one class
outside of school. If they are able to do so in a way that doesn't
inconvenience the rest of the family, they can choose to pick up Scouts
or something too. We are not going to be one of those families who
never has dinner together because the kids are always at practice or
lessons or whatnot. It's a choice, not a requirement.


How many children do you plan on having? We have 4 right now. Only 2 are
old enough to be in any sort of activities. My oldest, does gymnastics and
a sport. This summer my 2nd oldest will be doing a sport for disabled
children. It's the same sport the oldest is doing, but are they on the same
night? No, that would be too easy. So Monday-Wednesday baseball for kid 1
Tuesday-Thursday baseball for kid 2
Friday- gymnastics
Saturday - baseball games (I've yet to figure out how I'll be at two games
at one time.. this is where I start relying on my neighbors)

Which kid should I have give up their activities because they interfere with
our family life?

Denise

"shinypenny" wrote in message
oups.com...

Melania wrote:
Just contemplating that possibility makes me sad. I'm not sure I
agree,
though - I think for a lot of women it *does* boil down to having
something to prove to themselves: I'm not "just" a mom, I'm not
merely
"good enough", being a mother now isn't wasting the education I got
earlier (or all those years of career building I put in), being a
working mom *shouldn't* mean someone else is raising my kids . . .
and
so on. I don't think it's parents, usually, but just mothers. I have
a
friend who wants to have kids, someday, but doesn't want to budge at
all in her career. She's already terrified about how she's going to
handle it. It isn't that she doesn't think her parents did a good
job,
just that she has a really different life than her parents do/did.

My mother wanted me to have a career. She spent her free time actively
involved in the feminist cause. She'd watch her friends' kids, along
with her own, while her friends pursued careers.


The grass is always greener on the other side. Anyone want *my* career?

I intended on continuing to work, but once I got pregnant, something
clicked in and I just couldn't bear the thought. So I was a SAHM for
five years, during which time, I was one of these moms going silently
crazy and not being able to live up to the pressures outlined in the
article.


Here is a question for all of us. How do we stop ourselves for feeling these
external pressures so that we can focus on what is really important. The
week has been full of what society tells us and expects and pressures us to
do/be on usenet. Society is just an aggregate of people no smarter or more
with it than WE are. Half of what we think others/society is expecting of us
is in our minds. All these SAHM out there think that the current societal
trend is toward working motherhood, and they feel pressured and at odds.
While at the same time, WOH mothers feel pressured that they seen as not
being the best mothers because they also value their career or need to bring
in an income.

Stop the Madness, as that crazy exercise lady says. How can we teach the
next generation to think judgmentally for themselves so that their behavior
is not defined by some nebulous external pressure.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to bust on you. But I do not understand
why we weave these complicated thought processes on ourselves when, really,
these external pressures needn't have any impact beyond what you let them
have.


I am back in the workforce but I've found a great balance. I do need a
career - it adds something to my life. But I set firm boundaries. I
found a job that enables me to work from home, make my own hours, and
prioritize family life much more easily.

jen


Cool. If it works for you and your family, then rock on.