If the teacher is Miss Herfirstname . . . [Archive]

Irene

March 1st 05, 04:34 PM

dragonlady

March 1st 05, 04:35 PM

In article >,
"toypup" > wrote:

> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname, but
> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname, which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the best
> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say my
> whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd like
> to know what other people are most comfy with first.
>
>

I generally introduce myself with my full name (no title) and invite
folks to call me by my first name.

If the situation seems more formal, I invite them to call me "Ms.
Lastname".

Some of the parents at church invite their children to call me "Miss
Firstname" (especially if they are from some parts of the south) and I'm
getting used to it, but would not invite it from an adult.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Stephanie Stowe

March 1st 05, 04:37 PM

"toypup" > wrote in message
m...
> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname,
> but that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname,
> which I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is
> the best way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as
> Miss Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just
> say my whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so
> I'd like to know what other people are most comfy with first.
>

IMO, she introduced herself as Miss Herfirstname, so that is what you call
her. You introduce yourself as YourFirstName, and that is what she calls
you. I would think it a little dopey for me to call someone Miss or Mrs
while they call me Stephanie. But I don't know who Mrs. Stowe is, but it
sure is not me.... So either the teacher just introduced herself so you know
which of your childn's teachers she is, and will say Oh call me Kate (or
whatever) or you are stuck calling her Miss Whatever.

One caviat. If calling her Miss Whatever while you go with your first name
is going to cause you to feel you are speaking with an Authority Figure
rather than a professional peer, then you might want to adopt Mrs Lastname.
You do not want to set a tone of poor beggar at the doorstep of the
Authority.

Circe

March 1st 05, 04:38 PM

"toypup" > wrote in message
m...
> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname,
but
> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname,
which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the
best
> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say
my
> whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd
like
> to know what other people are most comfy with first.

I don't think that what the kids call the teacher should have any bearing on
what the teacher and the parent call one another.

When my kids were in preschool, their teachers were Miss Firstname to
*them*. *I* called the teachers Firstname and, if we were meeting for the
first time, introduced myself as Firstname Kidsname's Mom.

Now that my older kids are in elementary school, their teachers are
Mrs/Ms/Mr Lastname. When we meet for the first time, I introduce myself as
Firstname Lastname, Kidsname's Mom. The teachers typically reciprocate and
introduce themselves as Firstname Lastname. Most of my kids' elementary
school teachers prefer that we are on a first name basis, however, and make
that clear early on. Some teachers prefer to be called Mrs/Ms/Mr Lastname,
however, but if that is what they prefer, they generally call me Mrs.
Lastname as a courtesy.

I prefer a situation in which the teacher and I treat each other as peers,
rather than my treating the teacher as an authority figure while the teacher
treats me as a subordinate by using my first name. <Shudder>
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3
tomorrow)

I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan)

Stephanie Stowe

March 1st 05, 04:41 PM

"Irene" > wrote in message
oups.com...
>
> toypup wrote:
>> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even
> feel
>> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being
> Myfirstname, but
>> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname,
> which
>> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is
> the best
>> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
>> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just
> say my
>> whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so
> I'd like
>> to know what other people are most comfy with first.
>
> Good question. DS' gymnastics teacher is Miss Herfirstname, but when
> we go around the circle to introduce ourselves, the parents just use
> Myfirstname. OTOH, we've started using Miss/Mr. Firstname for the
> people in our office who ds sees on a regular basis, largely because
> one of our staff started introducing herself to him that way. Our
> neighbors mostly use Firstname, but one family's kids tend to Miss/Mr.
> Firstname.
>
> Clear as mud?

When around neighbors, other parents and whatnot, we ask them in DS's
presence if they perfer first name or Mr., Mrs.... I did without thinking
one time with the neighbor of my in-laws. I asked her if she perfer her
first name or Mrs. B.... (very long name). She indicated she really did
prefer Mrs. B... DS asked about it and we had a nice conversation about
politeness, etc. and how it is an extension of respect. I know that DS does
not really understand all this the first time mentioned. But over time, he
gets the general gyst.

>
> aka Miss Irene
>

Mary Ann Tuli

March 1st 05, 04:53 PM

Melania

March 1st 05, 05:41 PM

Stephanie Stowe wrote:
> "toypup" > wrote in message
> m...
> > Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I
even feel
> > funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being
Myfirstname,
> > but that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss
Herfirstname,
> > which I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way.
What is
> > the best way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces
herself as
> > Miss Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do.
I just
> > say my whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy
with, so
> > I'd like to know what other people are most comfy with first.
> >
>
> IMO, she introduced herself as Miss Herfirstname, so that is what you
call
> her. You introduce yourself as YourFirstName, and that is what she
calls
> you. I would think it a little dopey for me to call someone Miss or
Mrs
> while they call me Stephanie. But I don't know who Mrs. Stowe is, but
it
> sure is not me.... So either the teacher just introduced herself so
you know
> which of your childn's teachers she is, and will say Oh call me Kate
(or
> whatever) or you are stuck calling her Miss Whatever.
>
Wow. I'm not at all accustomed to people being Miss Herfirstname . . .
it's always been the last name around here.

> One caviat. If calling her Miss Whatever while you go with your first
name
> is going to cause you to feel you are speaking with an Authority
Figure
> rather than a professional peer, then you might want to adopt Mrs
Lastname.
> You do not want to set a tone of poor beggar at the doorstep of the
> Authority.

I was thinking this too. I remember when I was in my early 20s, my mom
worked with a woman who also taught my youngest brother. We were at
some kind of event (fundraising, concert, something) and I was sent by
mom to ask this woman for something. To get her attention, I called her
by her first name (we had been introduced by first name by my mom). She
said, "oh, my students call me Mrs. G." I thought, "well, I'm not your
student." I admit I continued to call her by her first name b/c I felt
she was trying to establish a power dynamic that I didn't appreciate.

I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on being
called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.

It would seem really silly, to me, to see two women calling each other
Miss Jennifer and Miss Heather (or whatever). In a similar situation, I
might be sneaky and say, "I'm ds's mom!" And then she would either be
forced to call me Ms. Mylastname or ask my first name - and presumably
then say, "please, just call me Kate," or whatever.

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

dragonlady

March 1st 05, 05:55 PM

In article . com>,
"Melania" > wrote:

> I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on being
> called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.

I, on the other hand, am a first name person (partly because people tend
to not pronounce my last name correctly, but mostly it's just my nature)
and will call people what they wish to be called and still invite them
to call me by my first name.

Somehow, it never makes me feel that I am in a "lesser" position, though
I understand that for many people, it does.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Ruth Baltopoulos

March 1st 05, 06:00 PM

"dragonlady" wrote:

: "Melania" wrote:

<snips>

: > I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone
insists on being
: > called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.

: I, on the other hand, am a first name person (partly
because people tend
: to not pronounce my last name correctly, but mostly it's
just my nature)
: and will call people what they wish to be called and still
invite them
: to call me by my first name.

That is pretty much how I feel. I will call them whatever
it is that they wish to be called, but still prefer to be
called by my fist name.

: Somehow, it never makes me feel that I am in a "lesser"
position, though
: I understand that for many people, it does.

Nah, me either. It does steam me a bit when I ask to be
called Ruth by a child, and their parent insists that I be
called Mrs. Baltopoulos. I mean, I understand that is their
wishes, but it is *my* name and I cannot stand Mrs.
Baltopoulos (not to mention most kids can't come close to
saying it).

Also, for whatever reason, I have always had a knee-jerk
aversion to calling or being called Miss Myfirstname. Not
sure why, but it makes me grimace...
--
Ruth

Melania

March 1st 05, 06:01 PM

dragonlady wrote:
> In article . com>,
> "Melania" > wrote:
>
> > I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on being
> > called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.
>
> I, on the other hand, am a first name person (partly because people
tend
> to not pronounce my last name correctly, but mostly it's just my
nature)
> and will call people what they wish to be called and still invite
them
> to call me by my first name.

Mmm. People often feel uncomfortable with my first name, and can't
pronounce it correctly, so they stumble over it. My last name is very
easy, though.
>
> Somehow, it never makes me feel that I am in a "lesser" position,
though
> I understand that for many people, it does.

I wouldn't say that it makes me feel lesser, but I personally feel that
in a professional setting, the names we use for each other help to set
the framework for the whole working relationship. Although, to be fair,
that's mostly with men, and in a work environment . . . my brother, on
the other hand, gets bent out of shape if a bank teller uses his first
name . . .

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

Tori M.

March 1st 05, 06:07 PM

"Melania" > wrote in message
ups.com...
>
> dragonlady wrote:
>> In article . com>,
>> "Melania" > wrote:
>>
>> > I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on being
>> > called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.
>>
>> I, on the other hand, am a first name person (partly because people
> tend
>> to not pronounce my last name correctly, but mostly it's just my
> nature)
>> and will call people what they wish to be called and still invite
> them
>> to call me by my first name.
>
> Mmm. People often feel uncomfortable with my first name, and can't
> pronounce it correctly, so they stumble over it. My last name is very
> easy, though.
I figured it was Mel Ahn E Ah like Donald Trumps new wife;)

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/02
Xavier 10/04

Sue

March 1st 05, 06:14 PM

I call the teachers by however they introduce themselves unless I am in
private with them. They call me Mrs. mylastname in front of the children and
by my first name when we are in private. It may be confusing, but as it ends
up I am pretty close with some of the girl's teachers and I know the
distinction of when to use proper names and when not to.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"toypup" > wrote in message
m...
> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname,
but
> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname,
which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the
best
> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say
my
> whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd
like
> to know what other people are most comfy with first.
>
>

Clisby

March 1st 05, 06:55 PM

toypup wrote:
> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname, but
> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname, which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the best
> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say my
> whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd like
> to know what other people are most comfy with first.
>
>

My kids have had preschool teachers who were called "Miss Firstname" by
the children, but it would have seemed very strange to me if I were
expected to call her "Miss Firstname". (Unless I was talking to a
child, saying something like, "Oh, here's Miss Firstname.")

I always introduce myself as Firstname Lastname. The teacher can either
call me Firstname or Ms. Lastname - I don't really care. If the
teacher didn't tell me her last name, I'd call her Firstname.

This probably varies a lot regionally. I grew up in the South, where
calling someone "Miss Firstname" generally means you're speaking to an
elder. Since I'm 51, somebody would have to be doddering for me to
actually call her "Miss Firstname."

Clisby

Clisby

dragonlady

March 1st 05, 06:59 PM

In article >,
"Ruth Baltopoulos" > wrote:

> I mean, I understand that is their
> wishes, but it is *my* name and I cannot stand Mrs.
> Baltopoulos (not to mention most kids can't come close to
> saying it).

If a parent insists on titles, I insist on "Ms.". (Except for those who
choose "Miss Firstname". It used to feel weird, but I've decided it's
kind of charming.)

Could you get away with asking the kids to call you "Mrs. B"? At least
then they won't have to struggle with pronouncing your last name!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Penny Gaines

March 1st 05, 06:59 PM

toypup wrote:

> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname,
> but that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname,
> which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the
> best way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say
> my whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd
> like to know what other people are most comfy with first.

The preschool teachers of the first preschool were all Mrs Herlastname
(and I was Mrs Mylastname): it was actually a very informal preschool.

The second preschool teachers were all Herfirstname, but the preschool
was not nearly as welcoming to parents.

At school, the teachers are all Miss/Mrs/Mr HerLastname and I am Mrs
Mylastname. The teacher who also teaches at Sunday Club at the church
becomes Herfirstname to the kids on Sundays, but they seem to cope.

I usually introduce myself as MyFirstname MyLastname, Kidsname's Mum.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Ericka Kammerer

March 1st 05, 07:29 PM

toypup wrote:

> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname, but
> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname, which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the best
> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say my
> whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd like
> to know what other people are most comfy with first.

In my experience with teachers, one of two things happens:

1) We're really on a first name basis, but with the kids around I call
the teacher Miss FirstName in order not to confuse the children.
Similarly, the teacher tends to refer to me as "your mom" because
the child is around. With no kids around, we'd just call each other
by first names. This gets really confusing to me in situations
where I know the teacher in another context and have to keep
reminding myself to use "Miss FirstName" or whatever the convention
is ;-)

2) We're really on a last name basis. In this case, the teacher is
whatever the kids call him/her and I am Title LastName (usually with
a certain amount of back and forth to establish the appropriate
title and last name ;-)

I usually introduce myself with first and last names, because the
way the teacher refers to me generally clues me in whether the
teacher is a first-namer or a last-namer. If the teacher calls
me "Ericka," then I'd call the teacher by her first name if we
talked outside the kids' earshot. If the teacher used title and
last name, that's what I'd use for her outside the kids' earshot.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer

March 1st 05, 07:34 PM

Melania wrote:

> Wow. I'm not at all accustomed to people being Miss Herfirstname . . .
> it's always been the last name around here.

It's a very Southern custom (not universal, obviously,
but much more common in the South than elsewhere).

> I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on being
> called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.

But I think it's fair for teachers to want to be called
whatever they're called in the classroom as long as you're in
front of the kids (which is most of the time you're intereacting
with a teacher). Especially with little kids, it's a bit confusing
to remember that they have to say "Miss Ann" while mom just calls
her "Ann." They figure it out after a while, but it seems to work
more smoothly to be consistent. Even now, if I am speaking to
my children about another adult, I will use the name the children
use rather than the name I would use. Of course, any name beats
what DS1 called his teachers when he first went to preschool.
They didn't think "honey" was appropriate, for some reason ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

bizby40

March 1st 05, 07:37 PM

"Stephanie Stowe" > wrote in message
...
> IMO, she introduced herself as Miss Herfirstname, so that is what you call
> her. You introduce yourself as YourFirstName, and that is what she calls
> you. I would think it a little dopey for me to call someone Miss or Mrs
> while they call me Stephanie. But I don't know who Mrs. Stowe is, but it
> sure is not me....

Why isn't it you? If Stowe is your last name, then you are either Miss
Stowe, Ms. Stowe, or Mrs. Stowe. I think people that are so resistant to
the title "Mrs. Whatever" are under the impression that it makes them seem
old. I can relate a bit, since I was well past college before I felt
comfortable calling myself a "woman" instead of a "girl." But now at 40, I
can't deny anymore that I've grown up. By the same token, you're an adult
for goodness sake! A wife and mother! Get over it!

So either the teacher just introduced herself so you know
> which of your childn's teachers she is, and will say Oh call me Kate (or
> whatever) or you are stuck calling her Miss Whatever.

I think I would call her Miss Kate to my kids, and Kate to her face unless
she corrected me. She is the one who chose to use her first name after all,
and it's generally understood that the "Miss" is added for the children.
And yes, if she did correct me and tell me to use the "Miss" I would
definitely have her call me "Mrs. Lastname."

> One caviat. If calling her Miss Whatever while you go with your first name
> is going to cause you to feel you are speaking with an Authority Figure
> rather than a professional peer, then you might want to adopt Mrs
> Lastname. You do not want to set a tone of poor beggar at the doorstep of
> the Authority.
>

Nikki

March 1st 05, 07:40 PM

toypup wrote:
> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even
> feel funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being
> Myfirstname, but that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher
> Miss Herfirstname, which I figure I have to, since she introduced
> herself that way. What is the best way to introduce myself to a
> teacher who introduces herself as Miss Herfirstname? This happens so
> much, I never know what to do. I just say my whole name, but I'd
> rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd like to know what
> other people are most comfy with first.

This varies a lot by region I think. I had a neighbor from the south and she
taught her kids to call me Miss Nikki. She herself called me Nikki. That
is not common around my area. I've heard her and one other person do that.
The other woman was new to town and I have no idea where she was from. She
didn't have an accent but she was in a much higher economic bracket them me
so perhaps the wealthy do it around here and I don't know it ;-)

In the daycares I've used the kids call the staff either Miss Firstname or
'Teacher'. The staff and I referred to each other by our first names only.

In kindergarten this year I refer to the teachers as Mrs. Lastname in the
classroom. The teacher and aid address each other as Mrs. Lastname as well.
I'm referred to as Hunter's mom by them and Nikki by the other kids. This
is fine with me. When I introduced myself I said I'm Nikki Lastname,
Hunter's mom. I don't ever recall the teacher addressing me by name so I
don't know what she'd call me. I'd be fine with Nikki. I was at a meeting
to discuss evaluation results and was referred to as Ms. Lastname by the
principle.

--
Nikki

bizby40

March 1st 05, 07:45 PM

"Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
...
> Melania wrote:
>
>> Wow. I'm not at all accustomed to people being Miss Herfirstname . . .
>> it's always been the last name around here.
>
> It's a very Southern custom (not universal, obviously,
> but much more common in the South than elsewhere).
>
>> I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on being
>> called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.
>
> But I think it's fair for teachers to want to be called
> whatever they're called in the classroom as long as you're in
> front of the kids (which is most of the time you're intereacting
> with a teacher). Especially with little kids, it's a bit confusing
> to remember that they have to say "Miss Ann" while mom just calls
> her "Ann." They figure it out after a while, but it seems to work
> more smoothly to be consistent. Even now, if I am speaking to
> my children about another adult, I will use the name the children
> use rather than the name I would use.

I use the name my children would use when speaking directly to them, but if
I'm only speaking near them, I use whatever name I would normally use. They
understand that I call their dad Todd, but they call him Daddy. That I call
my friend "Jane," but they call her "Mrs. Doe." We are consistant in that
we always expect them to use Mr. or Mrs. for a non-related adult, and there
has never been any confusion.

I also correct children who call me by my first name. I generally correct
them directly, instead of saying anything to their parents. And they
generally only have to be told once to "get it." The one exception was a
little boy of 3 or 4 who had never called anyone by their last name in his
life. He'd been taught to call other parents by "Daddy Joe" and "Mommy
Ann." He called me "mister Lastname" for the longest time, and my husband
"Todd."

Bizby

> Of course, any name beats
> what DS1 called his teachers when he first went to preschool.
> They didn't think "honey" was appropriate, for some reason ;-)
>
> Best wishes,
> Ericka
>

Jeff

March 1st 05, 08:15 PM

Ruth Baltopoulos

March 1st 05, 08:24 PM

"dragonlady" wrote:

: "Ruth Baltopoulos" wrote:

: > I mean, I understand that is their
: > wishes, but it is *my* name and I cannot stand Mrs.
: > Baltopoulos (not to mention most kids can't come close
to
: > saying it).

: If a parent insists on titles, I insist on "Ms.". (Except
for those who
: choose "Miss Firstname". It used to feel weird, but I've
decided it's
: kind of charming.)

Yes, I would opt for Ms. as well. I have had parents tell
their children to call me 'Mrs. Baltopoulos or Miss Ruth and
would not correct them; it doesn't bother me that much. I
might (and possibly not), as an aside later and not in front
of children, let them know that I prefer to be called Ruth,
but understand if they insist on titles, in which case I
would rather 'Ms.' than 'Mrs.'.
:
: Could you get away with asking the kids to call you "Mrs.
B"? At least
: then they won't have to struggle with pronouncing your
last name!

Well, in my business (child care/preschool) I have the
children call me Ruth. I figure that, while others insist
on their titles, it is my right to forgo mine :) I make
that clear from the onset, and have never really had a
problem with it. With other children, such as my daughters'
peers or the children of friends, I tend to let it roll
while I cringe inside (for some reason, I hate Mrs. B as
much as Miss Ruth <grin>).
--
Ruth

Ruth Baltopoulos

March 1st 05, 08:31 PM

"bizby40" wrote:

: "Stephanie Stowe" wrote:

<snips>
: > IMO, she introduced herself as Miss Herfirstname, so
that is what you call
: > her. You introduce yourself as YourFirstName, and that
is what she calls
: > you. I would think it a little dopey for me to call
someone Miss or Mrs
: > while they call me Stephanie. But I don't know who Mrs.
Stowe is, but it
: > sure is not me....

: Why isn't it you? If Stowe is your last name, then you
are either Miss
: Stowe, Ms. Stowe, or Mrs. Stowe. I think people that are
so resistant to
: the title "Mrs. Whatever" are under the impression that it
makes them seem
: old. I can relate a bit, since I was well past college
before I felt
: comfortable calling myself a "woman" instead of a "girl."
But now at 40, I
: can't deny anymore that I've grown up. By the same token,
you're an adult
: for goodness sake! A wife and mother! Get over it!

Sadly, I have no burning desire to get over it. I abhor
Mrs. Baltopoulos and, while hopefully not for the reasons
above, have no intense compulsion to examine the origins of
my distaste. Being older, a wife and a mother, does not
negate my feelings, which vary from 'blech!' to 'who's
that?' when I hear myself referred to as Mrs. Baltopoulos.

Another one of them pesky choices :)
--
Ruth

bizby40

March 1st 05, 08:46 PM

"Ruth Baltopoulos" > wrote in message
...
> "bizby40" wrote:
>
> : "Stephanie Stowe" wrote:
>
> <snips>
> : > IMO, she introduced herself as Miss Herfirstname, so
> that is what you call
> : > her. You introduce yourself as YourFirstName, and that
> is what she calls
> : > you. I would think it a little dopey for me to call
> someone Miss or Mrs
> : > while they call me Stephanie. But I don't know who Mrs.
> Stowe is, but it
> : > sure is not me....
>
> : Why isn't it you? If Stowe is your last name, then you
> are either Miss
> : Stowe, Ms. Stowe, or Mrs. Stowe. I think people that are
> so resistant to
> : the title "Mrs. Whatever" are under the impression that it
> makes them seem
> : old. I can relate a bit, since I was well past college
> before I felt
> : comfortable calling myself a "woman" instead of a "girl."
> But now at 40, I
> : can't deny anymore that I've grown up. By the same token,
> you're an adult
> : for goodness sake! A wife and mother! Get over it!
>
> Sadly, I have no burning desire to get over it. I abhor
> Mrs. Baltopoulos and, while hopefully not for the reasons
> above, have no intense compulsion to examine the origins of
> my distaste. Being older, a wife and a mother, does not
> negate my feelings, which vary from 'blech!' to 'who's
> that?' when I hear myself referred to as Mrs. Baltopoulos.
>
> Another one of them pesky choices :)
> --
> Ruth

Oh, you can be called whatever you want. I just think its rather silly to
be distressed by your own name.

Bizby

Iuil

March 1st 05, 08:50 PM

"bizby40" wrote
>
> Why isn't it you? If Stowe is your last name, then you are either Miss
> Stowe, Ms. Stowe, or Mrs. Stowe.

Speaking purely for myself. I'm not Mrs L**** because although L**** is my
husband's surname, it's not mine. Similarly, I dislike being called Miss
P***** because I am married and Miss denotes that I'm not. I prefer to be
called Ms P***** and that is the name I use professionally (I'm actually a
teacher myself).

Likewise, I would always address a parent as Mr/Ms Lastname unless told to
do otherwise. It's a mark of respect to the parents.

Jean

Clisby

March 1st 05, 08:56 PM

Ruth Baltopoulos wrote:

>
> Also, for whatever reason, I have always had a knee-jerk
> aversion to calling or being called Miss Myfirstname. Not
> sure why, but it makes me grimace...
> --
> Ruth
>

Me, too. I don't like being called "ma'am", either (and my husband
didn't want to be called "sir", so we skipped that part of etiquette
training for our children.

Clisby

bizby40

March 1st 05, 09:08 PM

"Iuil" > wrote in message
...
>
> "bizby40" wrote
>>
>> Why isn't it you? If Stowe is your last name, then you are either Miss
>> Stowe, Ms. Stowe, or Mrs. Stowe.
>
> Speaking purely for myself. I'm not Mrs L**** because although L**** is
> my
> husband's surname, it's not mine. Similarly, I dislike being called Miss
> P***** because I am married and Miss denotes that I'm not. I prefer to be
> called Ms P***** and that is the name I use professionally (I'm actually a
> teacher myself).

Different situation. Of *course* you don't want to be called by someone
else's name.

> Likewise, I would always address a parent as Mr/Ms Lastname unless told to
> do otherwise. It's a mark of respect to the parents.

Yes. People here have shown an aversion to showing respect because it sets
up an inequality. In some situations there *is* an inequality. For
example, it makes perfect sense for a teacher to call a student by his or
her first name while still expecting to be called by their title. Though I
would call my child's teacher by his or her first name if they seemed
ammenable to it, I would likely always call my own teacher by their title
and last name. I also call my doctor by her title and last name. I don't
think it says anything about them being better than me in any way. Only
that in this particular situation, I have come to them for their expertise
and so I want to show them that they have my respect.

I also *always* have my children call adults by their last names, even if
other kids call that adult by their first name. I can't justify doing that,
but I do it anyway. Only once did it bother someone enough that I really
*tried* to make an exception for them. But after a year or so of me saying
things to my daughter like, "Tell Mrs. uh, er, ... Jane thank you for
having you over," she finally relented.

This particular woman is funny about her name anyway. She *did* take her
husband's name when she married, but then regretted it. She wouldn't change
it back though because it was too inconvenient. So she hated being called
by the name she herself chose. In fact, I have to address her Christmas
cards like:

Mr. John Doe
Mrs. Jane Smith Doe

Because if it's just addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, she doesn't
consider it to have been sent to her.

Bizby

> Jean

Denise Anderson

March 1st 05, 09:12 PM

"Ruth Baltopoulos" > wrote in message
news:MridnSZK5OLqUrnfRVn-
>
> Well, in my business (child care/preschool) I have the
> children call me Ruth. I figure that, while others insist
> on their titles, it is my right to forgo mine :) I make
> that clear from the onset, and have never really had a
> problem with it. With other children, such as my daughters'
> peers or the children of friends, I tend to let it roll
> while I cringe inside (for some reason, I hate Mrs. B as
> much as Miss Ruth <grin>).
> --

My kids call everyone Mr. or Miss Firstname. It would drive me crazy if
someone insisted they be called only their first name. I mean, I'd respect
it, because it's your right, but man, it would drive me crazy.

Denise

Ruth Baltopoulos

March 1st 05, 09:21 PM

"bizby40" wrote:
:
: "Ruth Baltopoulos" wrote:

: > Sadly, I have no burning desire to get over it. I abhor
: > Mrs. Baltopoulos and, while hopefully not for the
reasons
: > above, have no intense compulsion to examine the origins
of
: > my distaste. Being older, a wife and a mother, does not
: > negate my feelings, which vary from 'blech!' to 'who's
: > that?' when I hear myself referred to as Mrs.
Baltopoulos.

: > Another one of them pesky choices :)

: Oh, you can be called whatever you want. I just think its
rather silly to
: be distressed by your own name.

Well, Baltopoulos isn't my name; it's my ex-husbands name
which I kept out of respect for my children's wishes.

What one man thinks is silly is another man's.........Oh,
we've done this before, haven't we :)

I find an open mind and good humor to be the least silly of
all things....
--
Ruth

Ruth Baltopoulos

March 1st 05, 09:25 PM

"Denise Anderson" wrote:

: My kids call everyone Mr. or Miss Firstname. It would
drive me crazy if
: someone insisted they be called only their first name. I
mean, I'd respect
: it, because it's your right, but man, it would drive me
crazy.

Yes, I see your point.

We all have different things that set us off. Like, right
here, the thing that makes me mental is the exact opposite
of that which drives you crazy :)
--
Ruth

Iuil

March 1st 05, 09:26 PM

"bizby40" wrote
> > Speaking purely for myself. I'm not Mrs L**** because although L**** is
> > my
> > husband's surname, it's not mine. Similarly, I dislike being called
Miss
> > P***** because I am married and Miss denotes that I'm not. I prefer to
be
> > called Ms P***** and that is the name I use professionally (I'm actually
a
> > teacher myself).
>
> Different situation. Of *course* you don't want to be called by someone
> else's name.

I missed out the sentence "I'm not Mrs P***** either because that implies
that P***** is also DH's surname".

Jean

Donna

March 1st 05, 09:28 PM

Amy

March 1st 05, 09:34 PM

Ruth Baltopoulos wrote:

> Another one of them pesky choices :)

Have you ever had someone use this as a weapon? I used to be very
close with a woman, and her kid called me "Aunt Amy" (nearly every kid
I know, related or not, calls me "Aunt" - I'm just loveable, I guess).
She and I have since drifted apart. Then, months later, I ran into her
with her kid. I chatted for a minute, and as I was saying goodbye she
said, pointedly, "Tell Mrs. Austin goodbye." *sigh*

I would've preferred that he just said, "Bye," or figured it out for
himself, but the way she prompted him was, I felt, a direct jab at me.

Oh well, I had my reasons for distancing myself, and I don't regret
them...

Amy

Amy

March 1st 05, 09:34 PM

Melania

March 1st 05, 10:08 PM

Tori M. wrote:
> "Melania" > wrote in message
> ups.com...
> >
> > dragonlady wrote:
> >> In article
. com>,
> >> "Melania" > wrote:
> >>
> >> > I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on
being
> >> > called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.
> >>
> >> I, on the other hand, am a first name person (partly because
people
> > tend
> >> to not pronounce my last name correctly, but mostly it's just my
> > nature)
> >> and will call people what they wish to be called and still invite
> > them
> >> to call me by my first name.
> >
> > Mmm. People often feel uncomfortable with my first name, and can't
> > pronounce it correctly, so they stumble over it. My last name is
very
> > easy, though.
> I figured it was Mel Ahn E Ah like Donald Trumps new wife;)

LOL - we say it wrong: Mel Eh Nya, kind of like "Malaysia" with an "n"
instead of an "s."

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)
>
> Tori
>
> --
> Bonnie 3/02
> Xavier 10/04

dragonlady

March 1st 05, 10:13 PM

In article >,
"bizby40" > wrote:

> So she hated being called
> by the name she herself chose. In fact, I have to address her Christmas
> cards like:
>
> Mr. John Doe
> Mrs. Jane Smith Doe
>
> Because if it's just addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, she doesn't
> consider it to have been sent to her.
>
> Bizby
>
> > Jean

I understand that.

I took my partner's last name -- not his first name. I do NOT want to
be addressed as "Mrs. hisfirstname Lastname"; I want MY name on the
card. I don't regret taking his last name -- but I don't want to lose
my first name.

When I send letters, I leave off the honorifics all together, and tend
to put the two names on different lines:

John Doe
Jane Doe
address

So far, no one has complained. I send out a lot of mailings that go to
all the church families, and having to figure out what title each woman
wanted to use, and having the data base set up so I could address some
as "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Last Name", and others as "Mr. Hisfirst
Name Lastname and Mrs. Herfirstname Lastname", and . . . well, it just
gets too complicated!

Plus, it's what WE prefer.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

dragonlady

March 1st 05, 10:16 PM

In article >,
"bizby40" > wrote:

> Oh, you can be called whatever you want. I just think its rather silly to
> be distressed by your own name.
>
> Bizby

I'm not distressed at someone using an honorific, provided they are
willing to use the one *I* want (and that won't be Mrs., nor would it be
Miss, unless used with my first name). At past 50, I've given up any
pretense of being "too young" for honorifics.

I just am more comfortable with folks using my first name, and invite
that.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Melania

March 1st 05, 10:17 PM

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> Melania wrote:
>
> > Wow. I'm not at all accustomed to people being Miss Herfirstname .
.. .
> > it's always been the last name around here.
>
> It's a very Southern custom (not universal, obviously,
> but much more common in the South than elsewhere).

It is so much a cultural thing, isn't it? I think it's charming, but it
would feel so awkward here, because it's not at all part of the
culture.
>
> > I'm a first name person, generally, but if someone insists on being
> > called by an honorific, I expect the same in return.
>
> But I think it's fair for teachers to want to be called
> whatever they're called in the classroom as long as you're in
> front of the kids (which is most of the time you're intereacting
> with a teacher). Especially with little kids, it's a bit confusing
> to remember that they have to say "Miss Ann" while mom just calls
> her "Ann." They figure it out after a while, but it seems to work
> more smoothly to be consistent. Even now, if I am speaking to
> my children about another adult, I will use the name the children
> use rather than the name I would use.

That makes sense. I never thought I would be the sort to say "go show
Dad", but really it only makes sense. Similarly, I use the Mr./Ms./Mrs.
if that's the relationship my son has with the person . . . but not if
it's just me and the other adult.

Of course, any name beats
> what DS1 called his teachers when he first went to preschool.
> They didn't think "honey" was appropriate, for some reason ;-)

LOL!! Any particular reason he chose "honey"? With both my parents
being teachers, we'd known all our teachers by their first names before
we started school, and had to be versed in appropriate forms of
address. It resulted in me whispering to my neighbour when the teacher
introduced herself for the first time: "I know her REAL name!" And
although my brother managed to call his teacher Mr. X, as he'd been
taught, nobody had thought to tell him that "so, Mr. X, I hear they
won't let you smoke in the staff room anymore . . . " was not a good
opening line with one's new teacher . . .

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

Melania

March 1st 05, 10:22 PM

Ruth Baltopoulos wrote:
> "bizby40" wrote:
>
> : "Stephanie Stowe" wrote:
>
> <snips>
> : > IMO, she introduced herself as Miss Herfirstname, so
> that is what you call
> : > her. You introduce yourself as YourFirstName, and that
> is what she calls
> : > you. I would think it a little dopey for me to call
> someone Miss or Mrs
> : > while they call me Stephanie. But I don't know who Mrs.
> Stowe is, but it
> : > sure is not me....
>
> : Why isn't it you? If Stowe is your last name, then you
> are either Miss
> : Stowe, Ms. Stowe, or Mrs. Stowe. I think people that are
> so resistant to
> : the title "Mrs. Whatever" are under the impression that it
> makes them seem
> : old. I can relate a bit, since I was well past college
> before I felt
> : comfortable calling myself a "woman" instead of a "girl."
> But now at 40, I
> : can't deny anymore that I've grown up. By the same token,
> you're an adult
> : for goodness sake! A wife and mother! Get over it!

My mom never got over it - still hates being called Mrs. Lastname. It
has nothing to do with feeling old, BTW. The line I hear again and
again from women who took their husband's last name and don't like Mrs.
is "Mrs. X is my MIL."

I didn't take dh's name, so I'll take Ms. or Mrs. with equal welcome,
although I think Ms. is more accurate. If people know dh and I are
married and they only know one last name, they will usually call the
other person by that name - we don't sweat it, although if it's someone
we're going to be dealing with regularly we do correct them. I also
don't mind being called Ma'am. I'm wearing a wedding band, I'm almost
30, and I have a second kid on the way. Ma'am is appropriate. OTOH, I'm
apparently going to be a "Matron of Honour" this summer, and that's an
expression I don't care to ever hear again!

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

Melania

March 1st 05, 10:36 PM

bizby40 wrote:
> "Iuil" > wrote in message
> ...
> >
> > "bizby40" wrote
> >>
> >> Why isn't it you? If Stowe is your last name, then you are either
Miss
> >> Stowe, Ms. Stowe, or Mrs. Stowe.
> >
> > Speaking purely for myself. I'm not Mrs L**** because although
L**** is
> > my
> > husband's surname, it's not mine. Similarly, I dislike being
called Miss
> > P***** because I am married and Miss denotes that I'm not. I
prefer to be
> > called Ms P***** and that is the name I use professionally (I'm
actually a
> > teacher myself).
>
> Different situation. Of *course* you don't want to be called by
someone
> else's name.
>
> > Likewise, I would always address a parent as Mr/Ms Lastname unless
told to
> > do otherwise. It's a mark of respect to the parents.
>
> Yes. People here have shown an aversion to showing respect because
it sets
> up an inequality. In some situations there *is* an inequality.

That's fair. But in some cases it isn't so much a concern over
inequality as a strange situation where one party is receiving a more
formal title, and the other a more familiar one, when the relationship
should be an even, two-way street. That doesn't make sense to me.

For
> example, it makes perfect sense for a teacher to call a student by
his or
> her first name while still expecting to be called by their title.

Although there was a time when teachers called their pupils by their
last names - boys were Jones or Master Jones and girls were Miss Jones.

Additionally, in some cultures teachers are just called by their first
names. In high school in Brazil, for instance, we just called the
teachers by their first names. In my BA I called all my profs Dr. X
except the Spanish profs, who insisted on being called by first name.
In my MA, all the profs were Professor X., whether they had a PhD or
not, just the culture of the university I guess.

Though I
> would call my child's teacher by his or her first name if they seemed

> ammenable to it, I would likely always call my own teacher by their
title
> and last name. I also call my doctor by her title and last name. I
don't
> think it says anything about them being better than me in any way.
Only
> that in this particular situation, I have come to them for their
expertise
> and so I want to show them that they have my respect.

Right. It's a professional relationship, not a personal one. And the
last name with title is a sign of respect (or should be). Weirdly,
though, I gotta say that if I'm calling my doctor Dr. X, I kind of want
to be called Ms. Mylastname in return. Perfect example is my family doc
back home, who I've known since grade school, is a close family friend,
but he always calls me Mrs. Husbandslastname (he's stubborn that way)
if I go into the office. His way of establishing and maintaining the
distinction between his roles as doctor and my Dad's best friend. I
appreciate this, and call him Dr. S, rather than his nickname (he hates
his first name, even his wife called him by his nickname).
>
> I also *always* have my children call adults by their last names,
even if
> other kids call that adult by their first name. I can't justify
doing that,
> but I do it anyway. Only once did it bother someone enough that I
really
> *tried* to make an exception for them. But after a year or so of me
saying
> things to my daughter like, "Tell Mrs. uh, er, ... Jane thank you
for
> having you over," she finally relented.

I would only do this with a much older person (say, a friend of my
grandmother's) or a near stranger. Growing up we called all our
parents' friends by first name, and our aunts and uncles as well, and
that's what we do with our friends now. I will tell my kids, once
they're old enough to be in this situation, to call new adults Mr/Ms. X
until told otherwise, just as my parents cautioned me not to call
friends' parents by first name unless they asked me to.

>
> This particular woman is funny about her name anyway. She *did* take
her
> husband's name when she married, but then regretted it. She wouldn't
change
> it back though because it was too inconvenient. So she hated being
called
> by the name she herself chose. In fact, I have to address her
Christmas
> cards like:
>
> Mr. John Doe
> Mrs. Jane Smith Doe
>
> Because if it's just addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, she doesn't
> consider it to have been sent to her.

Oh, but there's a HUGE difference between something that's addressed to
Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe, and something that's addressed to Mr.
and Mrs. John Doe. I actually do find that to be a complete disregard
for the woman's identity as distinct from her husband's. Her name is
NOT John Doe, it's Jane Doe (if she changed it). If putting both names
in is too wordy, just write Mr. and Mrs. Doe. My grandmother used to
receive X-mas cards from her own sister addressed to Mrs. Grandpa's
Names - drove me crazy. Then again, I didn't change my name.

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)
>
> Bizby
>
> > Jean

Melania

March 1st 05, 11:26 PM

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> Melania wrote:
>
>
> > OTOH, I'm
> > apparently going to be a "Matron of Honour" this summer, and that's
an
> > expression I don't care to ever hear again!
>
> You could mount a campaign to be an "Hono(u)r Attendant"
> instead ;-)
>
> Best wishes,
> Ericka

Good plan! Friends of ours got married a few years ago, and her twin
sister was her Maid of Honour, while his sister was his Best Woman. I
thought that was pretty cool.

I said I'd be her witness, but she said it felt like she was committing
a crime, then ;)

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

Ericka Kammerer

March 1st 05, 11:31 PM

Melania wrote:

> Ericka Kammerer wrote:

>>what DS1 called his teachers when he first went to preschool.
>>They didn't think "honey" was appropriate, for some reason ;-)
>
> LOL!! Any particular reason he chose "honey"?

I think just because we often called *him* "honey" or "hon."
He has always been reluctant to use other people's names, probably
because he's afraid of getting them wrong. I think he figured if
Mommy called him "hon" instead of his name, it must be a nice
thing to call his teacher if he wasn't sure of her name ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Melania

March 1st 05, 11:34 PM

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> Melania wrote:
>
>
> > Oh, but there's a HUGE difference between something that's
addressed to
> > Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe, and something that's addressed to
Mr.
> > and Mrs. John Doe. I actually do find that to be a complete
disregard
> > for the woman's identity as distinct from her husband's. Her name
is
> > NOT John Doe, it's Jane Doe (if she changed it). If putting both
names
> > in is too wordy, just write Mr. and Mrs. Doe. My grandmother used
to
> > receive X-mas cards from her own sister addressed to Mrs. Grandpa's
> > Names - drove me crazy. Then again, I didn't change my name.
>
> But you know, there are women (crazy as it may seem) who
> *do* wish to be Mrs. His Name, and it's as much their right to
> go with the traditional form as it is mine to go with the form
> I prefer. If one *has* to guess because there's no way to find
> out what the person prefers, I think the safest form these days
> is Ms. Her Name and Mr. His Name (woman's name always goes first
> in social forms; the "and" isn't necessary but it seems like
> you're more likely to offend married women by dropping it than
> you are to offend by including it). This will still offend some,
> but I think it's the most neutral formal version. The only
> safe thing (and the most mannerly thing) is to find out what
> people prefer and go the extra mile to use it.
>
> Best wishes,
> Ericka

It seems we're always bound to offend someone . . . your solution above
definitely seems most likely to offend the fewest, though! My
grandmother *hates* Ms., and I don't hate Mrs. at all, but I draw the
line at going by dh's full name - - but there are as many preferences
as there are people. I agree that we just need to find out what
individuals prefer and use that (and not get bent out of shape if
someone says something we don't prefer - odds are they were trying
their best!).

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

Ericka Kammerer

March 1st 05, 11:34 PM

Melania wrote:

> OTOH, I'm
> apparently going to be a "Matron of Honour" this summer, and that's an
> expression I don't care to ever hear again!

You could mount a campaign to be an "Hono(u)r Attendant"
instead ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer

March 1st 05, 11:40 PM

Melania wrote:

> Oh, but there's a HUGE difference between something that's addressed to
> Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe, and something that's addressed to Mr.
> and Mrs. John Doe. I actually do find that to be a complete disregard
> for the woman's identity as distinct from her husband's. Her name is
> NOT John Doe, it's Jane Doe (if she changed it). If putting both names
> in is too wordy, just write Mr. and Mrs. Doe. My grandmother used to
> receive X-mas cards from her own sister addressed to Mrs. Grandpa's
> Names - drove me crazy. Then again, I didn't change my name.

But you know, there are women (crazy as it may seem) who
*do* wish to be Mrs. His Name, and it's as much their right to
go with the traditional form as it is mine to go with the form
I prefer. If one *has* to guess because there's no way to find
out what the person prefers, I think the safest form these days
is Ms. Her Name and Mr. His Name (woman's name always goes first
in social forms; the "and" isn't necessary but it seems like
you're more likely to offend married women by dropping it than
you are to offend by including it). This will still offend some,
but I think it's the most neutral formal version. The only
safe thing (and the most mannerly thing) is to find out what
people prefer and go the extra mile to use it.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Tracey

March 2nd 05, 02:38 AM

Rosalie B.

March 2nd 05, 02:58 AM

"toypup" > wrote:

>Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
>funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname, but
>that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname, which
>I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the best
>way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
>Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say my
>whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd like
>to know what other people are most comfy with first.
>
I was always Mrs. DHsLastname when I was a teacher and swim coach.
And when we were at practice, my kids would have to call me Mrs.
Beasley to get my attention, as I was focused on what I was doing and
wouldn't hear "Mom" (not on purpose, but that's the way it was - I
wasn't the only Mom there)

I did not want the kids to call me by my first name, so I never used
it in any introductions. My mom taught me to call adults by the
honorific and their last name, and there are some adults that I have
known since childhood that I still call by their last names - I would
feel funny calling them by their first name although if they ask me to
do so, I will.

I think there is at least one lady who is about 10 years younger than
my mom (who is now 95) who worked with my mom (my mom was her
supervisor) for many years that always called her Mrs. DadsLastName,
while Mom always called her by her first name. They sometimes travel
together, and I think they are on a first name basis now.

It always takes me aback when someone wants to know my first name in a
situation like a store - I don't really think they are entitled to
call me by my first name. It strikes me as fake friendship.

I do want to be Mrs. DHsFN DHsLN when we are addressed as a couple. I
don't really think that Mrs. MyFN MyMaidenName DHsLN is proper, so if
that is the form people want to use, I'd ask them to use Ms.

Where I really have a problem is with my grown children's friends -
especially my daughter's friends where my last name isn't the same as
my daughter's last name - so they can't just call me Mrs.
SILsLastName. DD#2 has taken to introducing us as "This is my mom,
Rosalie". That's OK with me, although some of them still call me DD's
Mom or granddaughter's grandmother (because they can't remember
Rosalie I guess).

grandma Rosalie

JennP

March 2nd 05, 03:06 AM

"Melania" > wrote in message
oups.com...

> It is so much a cultural thing, isn't it? I think it's charming, but it
> would feel so awkward here, because it's not at all part of the
> culture.

So true. I also find Miss/Mr. firstname very charming but here in New
England we typically do Mr. or Mrs. lastname instead. We just had friends
visit from South Carolina (recent transplants from NE) and when they first
got here we all discussed what the kids would call the adults. They use Mr.
Miss. firstname and I agreed to it because I thought it sounded cute.

JennP.

JennP

March 2nd 05, 03:08 AM

"bizby40" > wrote in message
...

I think people that are so resistant to
> the title "Mrs. Whatever" are under the impression that it makes them seem
> old. I can relate a bit, since I was well past college before I felt
> comfortable calling myself a "woman" instead of a "girl." But now at 40,
I
> can't deny anymore that I've grown up. By the same token, you're an adult
> for goodness sake! A wife and mother! Get over it!

I'm probably in the minority but I loved being called Mrs. lastname. I find
it very sweet and respectful. Then again, I was a third grade teacher so
maybe I was just desensitized to the whole "feeling old" thing.

JennP.

Circe

March 2nd 05, 03:10 AM

"Rosalie B." > wrote in message
...
> I do want to be Mrs. DHsFN DHsLN when we are addressed as a couple. I
> don't really think that Mrs. MyFN MyMaidenName DHsLN is proper, so if
> that is the form people want to use, I'd ask them to use Ms.
>
This is definitely generational. My first name is *not* the same as my
husband's first name and I simply don't like the implication that, in
addition to changing my last name when I married, I lost my first name, too!
Something about that just rubs me the wrong way: maybe it's the appearance
that I've lost all my identity and have been subsumed entirely by my
husband. <Shudder>

Now, I don't object to the Mr. and Mrs. MyHusband'sFirstName
MyHusband'sLastName form of address on an envelope or letter addressed to
both of us, though frankly, I'd prefer that it be simply Mr. and Mrs.
MyHusband'sLastName.

> Where I really have a problem is with my grown children's friends -
> especially my daughter's friends where my last name isn't the same as
> my daughter's last name - so they can't just call me Mrs.
> SILsLastName. DD#2 has taken to introducing us as "This is my mom,
> Rosalie". That's OK with me, although some of them still call me DD's
> Mom or granddaughter's grandmother (because they can't remember
> Rosalie I guess).

Most people don't know how to pronounce our last name. This means that a lot
of my children's friends tend to address me as Mrs. Julian's Mom or Mrs.
Aurora's Mom. The ones who do use Mrs. LastName often butcher it <g>, but
fortunately, I think it's cute so I don't mind!
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3
tomorrow)

I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan)

JennP

March 2nd 05, 03:13 AM

"Sue" > wrote in message
...
> I call the teachers by however they introduce themselves unless I am in
> private with them. They call me Mrs. mylastname in front of the children
and
> by my first name when we are in private. It may be confusing, but as it
ends
> up I am pretty close with some of the girl's teachers and I know the
> distinction of when to use proper names and when not to.
> --
> Sue (mom to three girls)

AS a teacher I found that most parents addressed me as Mrs. Pinckney. Some
would call me Jennifer, but I never thought that was strange. I'd say 75%
called Me Mrs. and the other 25% called me Jennifer.

JennP.

Tori M.

March 2nd 05, 05:03 AM

"Circe" > wrote in message
news:Q8aVd.82655$Yu.70925@fed1read01...
> "Rosalie B." > wrote in message
> ...
>> I do want to be Mrs. DHsFN DHsLN when we are addressed as a couple. I
>> don't really think that Mrs. MyFN MyMaidenName DHsLN is proper, so if
>> that is the form people want to use, I'd ask them to use Ms.
>>
> This is definitely generational. My first name is *not* the same as my
> husband's first name and I simply don't like the implication that, in
> addition to changing my last name when I married, I lost my first name,
> too!
> Something about that just rubs me the wrong way: maybe it's the appearance
> that I've lost all my identity and have been subsumed entirely by my
> husband. <Shudder>

Maybe it is more personal. I kinda like being Mrs Jeff M. but on the other
hand I would never be concidered a forward thinking gal. I also dont think
being called Mrs. Jeff M. in anyway shadows me.

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/02
Xavier 10/04

bizby40

March 2nd 05, 05:39 AM

"Tori M." > wrote in message
...
>
> "Circe" > wrote in message
> news:Q8aVd.82655$Yu.70925@fed1read01...
>> "Rosalie B." > wrote in message
>> ...
>>> I do want to be Mrs. DHsFN DHsLN when we are addressed as a couple. I
>>> don't really think that Mrs. MyFN MyMaidenName DHsLN is proper, so if
>>> that is the form people want to use, I'd ask them to use Ms.
>>>
>> This is definitely generational. My first name is *not* the same as my
>> husband's first name and I simply don't like the implication that, in
>> addition to changing my last name when I married, I lost my first name,
>> too!
>> Something about that just rubs me the wrong way: maybe it's the
>> appearance
>> that I've lost all my identity and have been subsumed entirely by my
>> husband. <Shudder>
>
> Maybe it is more personal. I kinda like being Mrs Jeff M. but on the
> other hand I would never be concidered a forward thinking gal. I also
> dont think being called Mrs. Jeff M. in anyway shadows me.
>
> Tori
>
> --
> Bonnie 3/02
> Xavier 10/04

Here's the thing: Up until 30 or 40 years ago, there were rules of
ettiquite
that dictated how you address whom. It was considered proper to address
invitations to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. Or even to Mrs. John Doe if the
invitation was to her only.

I remember when I was a kid, my mom told me that I should address
Grandma's envelopes to Mrs. Jane Doe though, because she was a widow.

Okay, fast forward. The rules have changed. There is no guarantee
that a husband and wife have the same last name. There is no guarantee
that a man and woman living together are married. There is no guarantee
that the children living in the house have the same name as the parents.

So, the old rules have changed. There isn't any agreement on what the
new rules should be, other than that you should address people how they
wish to be addressed. That's fine if they are people you converse with
regularly, but if you don't, you just have to make your best guess. I
personally have the worlds worst memory, so even though I really *do*
try to remember, if it's someone I don't see all that often, I just don't.

So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or whatever
and doesn't get it just right, you should really just let it go.

Bizby

toypup

March 2nd 05, 07:37 AM

"Stephanie Stowe" > wrote in message
...
>
> "toypup" > wrote in message
> m...
> IMO, she introduced herself as Miss Herfirstname, so that is what you call
> her.

That's not my problem. I know to call her Miss Herfirstname.

You introduce yourself as YourFirstName, and that is what she calls
> you.

That's what I feel funny about. I think it's weird if she calls me by my
firstname and I have to call her by a title.

I would think it a little dopey for me to call someone Miss or Mrs
> while they call me Stephanie.

Yes.

But I don't know who Mrs. Stowe is,

I don't know who Mrs. Mylastname is, either.

> One caviat. If calling her Miss Whatever while you go with your first name
> is going to cause you to feel you are speaking with an Authority Figure
> rather than a professional peer, then you might want to adopt Mrs
> Lastname. You do not want to set a tone of poor beggar at the doorstep of
> the Authority.

I think I may have to just get used to Mrs. Mylastname. I don't like it,
but my thinking is also along these lines.

dragonlady

March 2nd 05, 09:05 AM

In article >,
"bizby40" > wrote:

>
> So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or whatever
> and doesn't get it just right, you should really just let it go.
>
> Bizby

I agree -- and think this is an important point. I almost never get my
panties in a twist about what someone else calls me; I have my
preferences, and will state them clearly -- often, if necessary -- but I
don't often bother to get offended if my preferences aren't followed.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Ruth Baltopoulos

March 2nd 05, 12:09 PM

dragonlady wrote:

> "bizby40" > wrote:

>> So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or
>> whatever and doesn't get it just right, you should
>> really just let it go.

> I agree -- and think this is an important point. I
> almost never get my panties in a twist about what someone
> else calls me; I have my preferences, and will state
> them clearly -- often, if necessary -- but I don't often
> bother to get offended if my preferences aren't followed.

Same here. It may make me grimace inwardly, but it generally doesn't go
much further than that.

As far as properly addressing things, I know people that agonize endlessly
over addressing invitations, but the rules have changed and it can be very
confusing.
--
Ruth

Ericka Kammerer

March 2nd 05, 01:29 PM

bizby40 wrote:

> So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or whatever
> and doesn't get it just right, you should really just let it go.

Or better yet, you establish some sort of communication
where you make it clear what your preferred terminology is. For
instance, ditch those response cards and send a proper response
on your own stationery saying, "Ms. Your Name and Mr. His Name/
accept with pleasure/the kind invitation of <hosts>/for Saturday,
the sixth of June" (using, of course, whatever your preferred
form is), if it's a formal invitation. In other situations,
you can use your return address to put in your names and titles
(not strictly proper, but hey, it works for the observant).
Or, get things off to a good start by using "at home" cards
with your wedding invitations/announcements (they give you
a good opportunity to share your "new" names and titles
and address). Use your preferred form when issuing formal
invitations of your own. Ask the other person what they
prefer (many will return the favor once you've taking the
stop of broaching the subject).
None of those things are foolproof ways to make sure
everyone gets the word, but you do leave a trail for those
who are interested in knowing what you prefer, which beats
expecting them to guess correctly ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Heather Kitchen

March 2nd 05, 01:51 PM

I have to agree with you, Stephanie. If Miss Herfirstname introduces
herself to you as such, then you should call her that until she tells
you otherwise, and refer to her by that name when talking to kids in
reference to her. When a teacher speaks to a parent in private, the
dynamics change from when children are present. That's the way it was
when I was a nanny for a family in S.C. some time ago. The teacher
introduced herself to the children in her class as Ms. Herlastname.
However, she also attended this particular family's church & at church
she was Ms. Herfirst name. When she & I spoke, regardless of the
circumstances, I called her by her first name & vice versa. Of course,
it is an accepted practice for children to refer to adult women as Ms.
Herfirstname in the south.

Rosalie B.

March 2nd 05, 02:28 PM

"bizby40" > wrote:
>"Tori M." > wrote in message
...
>>
>> "Circe" > wrote in message
>> news:Q8aVd.82655$Yu.70925@fed1read01...
>>> "Rosalie B." > wrote in message
>>> ...
>>>> I do want to be Mrs. DHsFN DHsLN when we are addressed as a couple. I
>>>> don't really think that Mrs. MyFN MyMaidenName DHsLN is proper, so if
>>>> that is the form people want to use, I'd ask them to use Ms.
>>>>
>>> This is definitely generational. My first name is *not* the same as my
>>> husband's first name and I simply don't like the implication that, in
>>> addition to changing my last name when I married, I lost my first name,
>>> too!
>>> Something about that just rubs me the wrong way: maybe it's the
>>> appearance
>>> that I've lost all my identity and have been subsumed entirely by my
>>> husband. <Shudder>
>>
>> Maybe it is more personal. I kinda like being Mrs Jeff M. but on the
>> other hand I would never be concidered a forward thinking gal. I also
>> dont think being called Mrs. Jeff M. in anyway shadows me.
>
>Here's the thing: Up until 30 or 40 years ago, there were rules of
>ettiquite
>that dictated how you address whom. It was considered proper to address
>invitations to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. Or even to Mrs. John Doe if the
>invitation was to her only.
>
>I remember when I was a kid, my mom told me that I should address
>Grandma's envelopes to Mrs. Jane Doe though, because she was a widow.
>
My mom told me that a woman only used her first name with the man's
last name if she was divorced. Widows absolutely retain the right to
be Mrs. DeceasedhusbandsFN DeceasedhusbandsLN. My mom (who has been
widowed for 33 years) would consider it a slap in the face if she was
told she had to be Mrs Jane DeceasedhusbandsLN (even if her real FN
was Jane <g>)

My great aunt was divorced, and she did use that form - Mrs. HerFN
HerMaidenName HerformerhusbandsLN.

>Okay, fast forward. The rules have changed. There is no guarantee
>that a husband and wife have the same last name. There is no guarantee
>that a man and woman living together are married. There is no guarantee
>that the children living in the house have the same name as the parents.
>
>So, the old rules have changed. There isn't any agreement on what the
>new rules should be, other than that you should address people how they
>wish to be addressed. That's fine if they are people you converse with
>regularly, but if you don't, you just have to make your best guess. I
>personally have the worlds worst memory, so even though I really *do*
>try to remember, if it's someone I don't see all that often, I just don't.
>
>So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or whatever
>and doesn't get it just right, you should really just let it go.
>
I don't have any real problem with what people call me or how they
write invitations out - I just wanted to make it clear that not
EVERYBODY objects to being called Mrs. John Doe and not EVERYBODY
wants to be called by their first name by complete strangers.

I'm not too thrilled about being called Rosie or Rosalyn or Roseann
(my full first name is RosalieAnn), but one of DHs friends can never
remember my right name and I've never corrected him because I know he
would be upset and I don't want to upset him. I also don't really
like the shortening of some of my children's names by their friend,
but it's out of my jurisdiction now, and if it is OK with them, it's
nothing that I would make an issue over.

It does kind of amuse me when people that I meet on the boat, and with
whom we've discussed my name (which is also the name on the boat in
big letters 4 to 8 inches tall) will - as I am standing on the deck at
the bow of the boat, right over the name, ask me to tell them my name
again. I figure if they didn't pay attention the first time, they
will remember it in the future.

grandma Rosalie

bizby40

March 2nd 05, 03:53 PM

"Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
...
> bizby40 wrote:
>
>
>> So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or whatever
>> and doesn't get it just right, you should really just let it go.
>
> Or better yet, you establish some sort of communication
> where you make it clear what your preferred terminology is.

Sure. Still, over the years you will likely get things from people
who aren't "in the know." I don't think it's worthwhile to get
upset about it. In most cases, I wouldn't even bother correcting
them.

I'm that way with my first name too. It's a very simple name
really, and pronounced in the usual way, but for some reason
many (most?) people get it wrong at first. If it's someone with
whom I expect to be in close contact in the future (like a co-
worker), I'll correct them right away so they get it right.
Otherwise, I usually just get it go. In a few cases where it has
turned out that I *have* ended up having more contact with
them than I thought I would, I've corrected them after several
years of having them get it wrong.

Being called by the wrong name *really* used to grate on my
nerves. But I've gotten over it.

Bizby

For
> instance, ditch those response cards and send a proper response
> on your own stationery saying, "Ms. Your Name and Mr. His Name/
> accept with pleasure/the kind invitation of <hosts>/for Saturday,
> the sixth of June" (using, of course, whatever your preferred
> form is), if it's a formal invitation. In other situations,
> you can use your return address to put in your names and titles
> (not strictly proper, but hey, it works for the observant).
> Or, get things off to a good start by using "at home" cards
> with your wedding invitations/announcements (they give you
> a good opportunity to share your "new" names and titles
> and address). Use your preferred form when issuing formal
> invitations of your own. Ask the other person what they
> prefer (many will return the favor once you've taking the
> stop of broaching the subject).
> None of those things are foolproof ways to make sure
> everyone gets the word, but you do leave a trail for those
> who are interested in knowing what you prefer, which beats
> expecting them to guess correctly ;-)
>
> Best wishes,
> Ericka

Circe

March 2nd 05, 04:11 PM

"bizby40" > wrote in message
...
> I remember when I was a kid, my mom told me that I should address
> Grandma's envelopes to Mrs. Jane Doe though, because she was a widow.
>
As someone else mentioned, I'm quite sure that, according to these rules of
etiquette, widows were always properly addressed as Mrs. HisName LastName.
Only divorcees got the Mrs. HerName LastName treatment.

> So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or whatever
> and doesn't get it just right, you should really just let it go.
>
Oh, goodness, yes. I wouldn't get my panties in a twist over an envelope
addressed to us as Mr. and Mrs. MyHusbandsFirstName OurLastName, though I'd
probably prefer to see just Mr. and Mrs. OurLastName. What I wouldn't like
(and would correct) is to be *introduced* as Mrs. MyHusbandsFirstName
OurLastName. Sorry, but ick!
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3 today)

I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan)

Brian

March 2nd 05, 07:34 PM

toypup > wrote:
> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname, but
> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname, which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the best
> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do. I just say my
> whole name, but I'd rather figure out what I'm most comfy with, so I'd like
> to know what other people are most comfy with first.

Going from California where it's hip to be first name buddies with kids
back to Georgia, where the line between children and adults is clearly
drawn in the sand, all I can say is go with the vernacular.

She most likely introduced herself in a manner that would teach the
kids by example. So matching her lead would help her out.

I'd expect a much different introduction in a PTA meeting and an even
more different intro in a bar.

In the classroom, she's doing the cheerful happy dance for the children.
No need to feel funny about it ... besides the sometimes oversaturated
cheerfulness of it all. :)

bizby40

March 2nd 05, 08:37 PM

"Circe" > wrote in message
news:IAlVd.86322$Yu.85761@fed1read01...
> "bizby40" > wrote in message
> ...
>> I remember when I was a kid, my mom told me that I should address
>> Grandma's envelopes to Mrs. Jane Doe though, because she was a widow.
>>
> As someone else mentioned, I'm quite sure that, according to these rules
> of
> etiquette, widows were always properly addressed as Mrs. HisName LastName.
> Only divorcees got the Mrs. HerName LastName treatment.

Ah, well, so mom wasn't perfect. One can only hope that she knew what her
mom preferred.

Bizby

Irene

March 2nd 05, 08:39 PM

Circe wrote:
> "bizby40" > wrote in message
> ...
> > I remember when I was a kid, my mom told me that I should address
> > Grandma's envelopes to Mrs. Jane Doe though, because she was a
widow.
> >
> As someone else mentioned, I'm quite sure that, according to these
rules of
> etiquette, widows were always properly addressed as Mrs. HisName
LastName.
> Only divorcees got the Mrs. HerName LastName treatment.
>
Yup - that's the way my mom taught me, at least. Alas, hardly anyone
ever seems to learn that nowadays. I recently received a baby shower
invitation to Mrs. HisName Lastname, and I did cringe! Personally, I
prefer (in writing) either no title, or Ms. Myname Lastname, but that's
me. Speaking, I prefer no title or Mrs. LastName (from a grownup). I
haven't decided for sure what I prefer from kids, actually.

> > So, IMHO, if someone sends you a card or invitation or whatever
> > and doesn't get it just right, you should really just let it go.
> >
> Oh, goodness, yes. I wouldn't get my panties in a twist over an
envelope
> addressed to us as Mr. and Mrs. MyHusbandsFirstName OurLastName,
though I'd
> probably prefer to see just Mr. and Mrs. OurLastName. What I wouldn't
like
> (and would correct) is to be *introduced* as Mrs. MyHusbandsFirstName
> OurLastName. Sorry, but ick!
> --
Ick, ick, ick!

Irene

Hillary Israeli

March 2nd 05, 09:43 PM

In >,
bizby40 > wrote:

*I remember when I was a kid, my mom told me that I should address
*Grandma's envelopes to Mrs. Jane Doe though, because she was a widow.

Whereas my grandma got very upset when she got a sympathy card addressed
to Mrs. Herfirstname Marriedlastname after my grandfather died - she
insisted that that construction suggested she'd been divorced, and that
since she was in fact not divorced, she should remain Mrs. Hisfirstname
Marriedlastname upon being widowed. Go figure.

I address all her envelopes to World's Best Great-Grandma Lastname to
avoid the issue at this point :)

--
Hillary Israeli, VMD
Lafayette Hill/PA/USA/Earth
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is
too dark to read." --Groucho Marx

Chookie

March 5th 05, 09:02 AM

In article >,
"toypup" > wrote:

> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even feel
> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname, but
> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname, which
> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the best
> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do.

Er, what do *you* like being called?

"I'm Firstname Lastname; please call me Firstname," is what I'd say (I'm
married, but didn't take DH's surname, so I'm a Ms). And in adult company,
the teacher would be Firstname to me. I would only call her Miss Firstname in
front of the children.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"In Melbourne there is plenty of vigour and eagerness, but there is
nothing worth being eager or vigorous about."
Francis Adams, The Australians, 1893.

toypup

March 5th 05, 10:16 PM

"Chookie" > wrote in message
...
> In article >,
> "toypup" > wrote:
>
>> Am I Mrs. Mylastname? I'd feel funny being Miss Myfirstname. I even
>> feel
>> funny being Mrs. Mylastname. It's so formal. I like being Myfirstname,
>> but
>> that's too informal, if I have to call the teacher Miss Herfirstname,
>> which
>> I figure I have to, since she introduced herself that way. What is the
>> best
>> way to introduce myself to a teacher who introduces herself as Miss
>> Herfirstname? This happens so much, I never know what to do.
>
> Er, what do *you* like being called?

I like being Firstname, but I don't like being Firstname and calling her
Miss Firstname. So, I'm trying to figure out what is the norm and just go
with that, since I'm not comfortable going by what I normally go by.
>
> "I'm Firstname Lastname; please call me Firstname," is what I'd say (I'm
> married, but didn't take DH's surname, so I'm a Ms). And in adult
> company,
> the teacher would be Firstname to me. I would only call her Miss
> Firstname in
> front of the children.

I figure I need to call her Miss Firstname, since she introduced herself as
Miss Firstname when I met her without without DS.