Re: Help! Toddler left in car question - new thread

[Stephanie]

Sorry about starting at the top. OE is giving me grief this far down the
thread...


"nimue" > wrote in message
...
> dragonlady wrote:
> > In article >,
> > "nimue" > wrote:
> >
> >> I want the baby to be safe. The end. That's it. It seems to me
> >> that the baby is safer in the house with her mother than unwatched
> >> in the car on the street.
> >
> > In what way will walking away from the friendship further that end?
>
> Oy vey! I don't WANT to do that! I never said I wanted to do that! I do
> feel kind of weird, though. Her message was so, well, mean -- really,
> really mean. I think anyone would feel uncomfortable calling someone
after
> a message like that.
> >
> > You cannot change your friend's primary personality. However, when
> > you are with her, you CAN model the behavior you want to see without
> > casting aspirtions on her as a parent. In this case, you could have
> > said, "Oh, I just couldn't be comfortable in the house with the baby
> > asleep in the car. Why don't I just stay out here and read while you
> > take care of your buisness."
>
> Well, I do love to read! I agree with you about modeling good behavior.
> >
> > What you actually DID do did not make the baby safer -- it just
> > created disharmony between the two of you.
>
> My other friend told me that she believes that PERHAPS it did. She said
> that our mutual friend will never again leave her baby in the car without
> thinking about it and maybe that little extra bit of thought could make a
> difference. Of course, she might have just been trying to make me feel
> better.
> >
> > Remember the serenity prayer: "God grant me the courage to change the
> > things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot
> > change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
> >
> > If you walk away from the friendship, the only thing that will change
> > is that YOU won't see the unsafe things she does with her child.
>
> Why do you think I want to walk away from a 15 year friendship? I never
> said I did -- where are you getting this?


I thought the same thing. You said something like I cannot be around when
she does things to endanger her child. And then you said that she did a
bunch of stuff in the past that made you think her judgement was suspect. I
came to the conclusion, apparently incorrectly so, that if you could not be
around her when she did dangerous things, AND she is likely to continue
doing dangerous things, then you would not be hanging around her.

> I feel mighty uncomfortable right
> now after that message and no other contact.


What did she say? Perhaps she has decided to cease the friendship? Or maybe
she just needs some space... who knows.


> I doubt you could get a
> message like I did and not to feel hurt or confused. I, as I have said,
> have forgiven my friend some serious stuff that has resulted from her
> negligence in the past. This stuff -- we never even mention it anymore. I
> am just overwhelmed at the things she would say to me after all we have
been
> through together.
>
> >Not
> > only will she be unlikely to change, but she may become even more
> > entrenched in her behavior. If you really want to make a difference
> > for this baby -- and not just be right -- you'll stick around and do
> > the things you CAN do without driving a wedge between the two of you.
>
> I am sorry, but how would you feel if you got a raging message that was
> incredibly abusive of you? Really?
>

Pretty bummed out I suspect. Do you think you are being attacked? I hope
not. I don't think anyone is trying to do that. I, for one, can see how your
feelings are hurt. You can clearly see your side of the issue. Can you see
hers? I don't know what hers is since I don't know what she said in the
message. If you posted already, then I am sorry. I don't get all posts. The
toddler in the car issue is over and done. Nothing more can or should be
done on that. You stated your opinion. Nothing else you can do. Now all you
can do is take a bunch of deep breaths and determine what you want to do
about your friend.

I hope this works out for you.

[nimue]

Stephanie wrote:
> Sorry about starting at the top. OE is giving me grief this far down
> the thread...
>
>
> "nimue" > wrote in message
> ...
>> dragonlady wrote:
>>> In article >,
>>> "nimue" > wrote:
>>>
>>>> I want the baby to be safe. The end. That's it. It seems to me
>>>> that the baby is safer in the house with her mother than unwatched
>>>> in the car on the street.
>>>
>>> In what way will walking away from the friendship further that end?
>>
>> Oy vey! I don't WANT to do that! I never said I wanted to do that!
>> I do feel kind of weird, though. Her message was so, well, mean --
>> really, really mean. I think anyone would feel uncomfortable
>> calling someone after a message like that.
>>>
>>> You cannot change your friend's primary personality. However, when
>>> you are with her, you CAN model the behavior you want to see without
>>> casting aspirtions on her as a parent. In this case, you could have
>>> said, "Oh, I just couldn't be comfortable in the house with the baby
>>> asleep in the car. Why don't I just stay out here and read while
>>> you take care of your buisness."
>>
>> Well, I do love to read! I agree with you about modeling good
>> behavior.
>>>
>>> What you actually DID do did not make the baby safer -- it just
>>> created disharmony between the two of you.
>>
>> My other friend told me that she believes that PERHAPS it did. She
>> said that our mutual friend will never again leave her baby in the
>> car without thinking about it and maybe that little extra bit of
>> thought could make a difference. Of course, she might have just
>> been trying to make me feel better.
>>>
>>> Remember the serenity prayer: "God grant me the courage to change
>>> the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot
>>> change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
>>>
>>> If you walk away from the friendship, the only thing that will
>>> change is that YOU won't see the unsafe things she does with her
>>> child.
>>
>> Why do you think I want to walk away from a 15 year friendship? I
>> never said I did -- where are you getting this?
>
>
> I thought the same thing. You said something like I cannot be around
> when she does things to endanger her child. And then you said that
> she did a bunch of stuff in the past that made you think her
> judgement was suspect. I came to the conclusion, apparently
> incorrectly so, that if you could not be around her when she did
> dangerous things, AND she is likely to continue doing dangerous
> things, then you would not be hanging around her.

That does sound, well, bad. I want to be her friend -- I have been her
friend for years. I see how you got that from what I wrote. Who knows? As
I said before, this has happened only once in two years, but if she did
something again like this, I would say something, or do something. I am
pretty hurt by our conversation and message so right now I am doing nothing.

>
>> I feel mighty uncomfortable right
>> now after that message and no other contact.
>
>
> What did she say? Perhaps she has decided to cease the friendship? Or
> maybe she just needs some space... who knows.

Oh, lord. What she said was just...mean. I don't want to repeat it right
now but I am pretty sure you can all imagine what might have been said.
>
>
>> I doubt you could get a
>> message like I did and not to feel hurt or confused. I, as I have
>> said, have forgiven my friend some serious stuff that has resulted
>> from her negligence in the past. This stuff -- we never even
>> mention it anymore. I am just overwhelmed at the things she would
>> say to me after all we have been through together.
>>
>>> Not
>>> only will she be unlikely to change, but she may become even more
>>> entrenched in her behavior. If you really want to make a difference
>>> for this baby -- and not just be right -- you'll stick around and do
>>> the things you CAN do without driving a wedge between the two of
>>> you.
>>
>> I am sorry, but how would you feel if you got a raging message that
>> was incredibly abusive of you? Really?
>>
>
> Pretty bummed out I suspect. Do you think you are being attacked? I
> hope not. I don't think anyone is trying to do that. I, for one, can
> see how your feelings are hurt.

Well, I do not feel at all attacked by your post. Your tone is
understanding, validating, and mild.

>You can clearly see your side of the
> issue. Can you see hers? I don't know what hers is since I don't know
> what she said in the message. If you posted already, then I am sorry.
> I don't get all posts. The toddler in the car issue is over and done.
> Nothing more can or should be done on that. You stated your opinion.
> Nothing else you can do. Now all you can do is take a bunch of deep
> breaths and determine what you want to do about your friend.

Well, since she doesn't want to talk to me I do not know what to do.
>
> I hope this works out for you.

Thank you.

--
nimue

"If I had created reality television I would have had a much greater
influence, but then I would have had to KILL MYSELF." Joss Whedon

"There are two types of women -- those who like chocolate and complete
bitches." Dawn French

[Stephanie]

"nimue" > wrote in message
...
> Stephanie wrote:
> > Sorry about starting at the top. OE is giving me grief this far down
> > the thread...
> >
> >
> > "nimue" > wrote in message
> > ...
> >> dragonlady wrote:
> >>> In article >,
> >>> "nimue" > wrote:
> >>>
> >>>> I want the baby to be safe. The end. That's it. It seems to me
> >>>> that the baby is safer in the house with her mother than unwatched
> >>>> in the car on the street.
> >>>
> >>> In what way will walking away from the friendship further that end?
> >>
> >> Oy vey! I don't WANT to do that! I never said I wanted to do that!
> >> I do feel kind of weird, though. Her message was so, well, mean --
> >> really, really mean. I think anyone would feel uncomfortable
> >> calling someone after a message like that.
> >>>
> >>> You cannot change your friend's primary personality. However, when
> >>> you are with her, you CAN model the behavior you want to see without
> >>> casting aspirtions on her as a parent. In this case, you could have
> >>> said, "Oh, I just couldn't be comfortable in the house with the baby
> >>> asleep in the car. Why don't I just stay out here and read while
> >>> you take care of your buisness."
> >>
> >> Well, I do love to read! I agree with you about modeling good
> >> behavior.
> >>>
> >>> What you actually DID do did not make the baby safer -- it just
> >>> created disharmony between the two of you.
> >>
> >> My other friend told me that she believes that PERHAPS it did. She
> >> said that our mutual friend will never again leave her baby in the
> >> car without thinking about it and maybe that little extra bit of
> >> thought could make a difference. Of course, she might have just
> >> been trying to make me feel better.
> >>>
> >>> Remember the serenity prayer: "God grant me the courage to change
> >>> the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot
> >>> change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
> >>>
> >>> If you walk away from the friendship, the only thing that will
> >>> change is that YOU won't see the unsafe things she does with her
> >>> child.
> >>
> >> Why do you think I want to walk away from a 15 year friendship? I
> >> never said I did -- where are you getting this?
> >
> >
> > I thought the same thing. You said something like I cannot be around
> > when she does things to endanger her child. And then you said that
> > she did a bunch of stuff in the past that made you think her
> > judgement was suspect. I came to the conclusion, apparently
> > incorrectly so, that if you could not be around her when she did
> > dangerous things, AND she is likely to continue doing dangerous
> > things, then you would not be hanging around her.
>
> That does sound, well, bad. I want to be her friend -- I have been her
> friend for years. I see how you got that from what I wrote. Who knows?
As
> I said before, this has happened only once in two years, but if she did
> something again like this, I would say something, or do something. I am
> pretty hurt by our conversation and message so right now I am doing
nothing.
>
> >
> >> I feel mighty uncomfortable right
> >> now after that message and no other contact.
> >
> >
> > What did she say? Perhaps she has decided to cease the friendship? Or
> > maybe she just needs some space... who knows.
>
> Oh, lord. What she said was just...mean. I don't want to repeat it right
> now but I am pretty sure you can all imagine what might have been said.

Nope. And actually, I don't care. I mean, not like I don't care if she hurt
you. But it is not important that *I* know what she said. It is important
that *you* hear whatever message was underneath the anger and mean things.
She could have said explitive this and that as well as telling you to mind
your own business. Or she could have told you that it hurts her that you
think she is incompetent. Or ... whatever. Later, when the dust settles, if
you are going to mend fences, you are going to have to understand *her* side
of the issue, whatever it is.

> >
> >
> >> I doubt you could get a
> >> message like I did and not to feel hurt or confused. I, as I have
> >> said, have forgiven my friend some serious stuff that has resulted
> >> from her negligence in the past. This stuff -- we never even
> >> mention it anymore. I am just overwhelmed at the things she would
> >> say to me after all we have been through together.
> >>
> >>> Not
> >>> only will she be unlikely to change, but she may become even more
> >>> entrenched in her behavior. If you really want to make a difference
> >>> for this baby -- and not just be right -- you'll stick around and do
> >>> the things you CAN do without driving a wedge between the two of
> >>> you.
> >>
> >> I am sorry, but how would you feel if you got a raging message that
> >> was incredibly abusive of you? Really?
> >>
> >
> > Pretty bummed out I suspect. Do you think you are being attacked? I
> > hope not. I don't think anyone is trying to do that. I, for one, can
> > see how your feelings are hurt.
>
> Well, I do not feel at all attacked by your post. Your tone is
> understanding, validating, and mild.
>

OOOO don't get me started. I have a terrible reaction to the word
"validating" and all of its other word-forms. It gets me bristly! :) Pet
thing of mine. Anyway, I digress...


> >You can clearly see your side of the
> > issue. Can you see hers? I don't know what hers is since I don't know
> > what she said in the message. If you posted already, then I am sorry.
> > I don't get all posts. The toddler in the car issue is over and done.
> > Nothing more can or should be done on that. You stated your opinion.
> > Nothing else you can do. Now all you can do is take a bunch of deep
> > breaths and determine what you want to do about your friend.
>
> Well, since she doesn't want to talk to me I do not know what to do.
> >
> > I hope this works out for you.
>
> Thank you.
>
> --
> nimue
>
> "If I had created reality television I would have had a much greater
> influence, but then I would have had to KILL MYSELF." Joss Whedon
>
> "There are two types of women -- those who like chocolate and complete
> bitches." Dawn French
>
>

[nimue]

> "nimue" > wrote in message
snip
>> Well, I do not feel at all attacked by your post. Your tone is
>> understanding, validating, and mild.
>>
>
> OOOO don't get me started. I have a terrible reaction to the word
> "validating" and all of its other word-forms. It gets me bristly! :)
> Pet thing of mine. Anyway, I digress...

Really? Oh! I see why! It must remind you of parking! ;-)
>
>
snip
>> --
>> nimue
>>
>> "If I had created reality television I would have had a much greater
>> influence, but then I would have had to KILL MYSELF." Joss Whedon
>>
>> "There are two types of women -- those who like chocolate and
>> complete bitches." Dawn French

--
nimue

"If I had created reality television I would have had a much greater
influence, but then I would have had to KILL MYSELF." Joss Whedon

"There are two types of women -- those who like chocolate and complete
bitches." Dawn French