How to tell her?

[[email protected]]

DH is getting killed and I can't watch it anymore.

DD (2y) is a very sweet and bright kid. The issue is she's very clingy
to DH and imo somewhat manipulates him. Many times (almost 90% of the
time) she won't let him go out of her sight to even take a shower etc.
She instantly cries and sometimes rolls on the floor basically throws a
fit. I told DH to ignore when she throws a fit. He says it's cruel to
ignore and ignoring tells her that we don't care that she's upset. He
just tells her again and again not to cry and if she cries too much he
sits down with her and takes her in his lap and they play, etc. He says
it's part of being a child and she'll outgrow it. He repeatedly tells
her that if she wants something she just has to ask, no need to cry but
it's not working either.

DD doesn't do this to me for couple of reasons. I also have a baby and
she knows that only mommy nurses the baby. Also if DD throws a fit I
ignore her.

DD has grandma and grandpa who are very loving and caring towards DD.
DH tells me that if I warm up to her more (not ignore when she cries
etc), it will lessen his burden. What I don't understand is D-inlaws
and DH shower her with lot of affection and it still is not solving
this issue. It's not like I ignore her completely. I read books to her,
I bathe her, change her, get her ready in the mornings and I play with
her. The only thing I do differently is if she misbehaves or throws a
fit I don't give in.

All this clingyness is putting a strain on DH. He admits it's a
problem and we both don't know what to do. At nights DD has to sleep
next to DH and she wakes up several times. She does not wake up
completely. Just whimpers, calls daddy's name and goes back to sleep.
Of late she's waking up asking for chocolate milk in the middle of the
night. So one of us has to go get it. I have to admit I'm tired of
this. I'm sleeping in another room with the baby because I nurse and
also I don't have much place on the bed for all four of us.

Another big problem is that she doesn't eat well. So D-inlaws and DH
want to make sure she will eat properly and that's another post, may
be.

I'm looking bad in this kinda like Cruella but I don't know what else
to do.

[Stephanie]

> wrote in message
oups.com...
> DH is getting killed and I can't watch it anymore.
>
> DD (2y) is a very sweet and bright kid. The issue is she's very clingy
> to DH and imo somewhat manipulates him. Many times (almost 90% of the
> time) she won't let him go out of her sight to even take a shower etc.
> She instantly cries and sometimes rolls on the floor basically throws a
> fit. I told DH to ignore when she throws a fit. He says it's cruel to
> ignore and ignoring tells her that we don't care that she's upset. He
> just tells her again and again not to cry and if she cries too much he
> sits down with her and takes her in his lap and they play, etc. He says
> it's part of being a child and she'll outgrow it. He repeatedly tells
> her that if she wants something she just has to ask, no need to cry but
> it's not working either.
>
> DD doesn't do this to me for couple of reasons. I also have a baby and
> she knows that only mommy nurses the baby. Also if DD throws a fit I
> ignore her.
>
> DD has grandma and grandpa who are very loving and caring towards DD.
> DH tells me that if I warm up to her more (not ignore when she cries
> etc), it will lessen his burden. What I don't understand is D-inlaws
> and DH shower her with lot of affection and it still is not solving
> this issue. It's not like I ignore her completely. I read books to her,
> I bathe her, change her, get her ready in the mornings and I play with
> her. The only thing I do differently is if she misbehaves or throws a
> fit I don't give in.
>
> All this clingyness is putting a strain on DH. He admits it's a
> problem and we both don't know what to do. At nights DD has to sleep
> next to DH and she wakes up several times. She does not wake up
> completely. Just whimpers, calls daddy's name and goes back to sleep.
> Of late she's waking up asking for chocolate milk in the middle of the
> night. So one of us has to go get it. I have to admit I'm tired of
> this. I'm sleeping in another room with the baby because I nurse and
> also I don't have much place on the bed for all four of us.
>
> Another big problem is that she doesn't eat well. So D-inlaws and DH
> want to make sure she will eat properly and that's another post, may
> be.
>
> I'm looking bad in this kinda like Cruella but I don't know what else
> to do.
>

If it were me, I would acquire a book on child "discipline" which is age
appropriate. I liked Dr Brazelton. Right now I am reading Setting Limits,
but it does not sound like what you need. I forget how old you DD is, but
IIRC she is pretty little. But I would get a short book, read it, then
recommend it to DH. If it were me, I would be trying to get DH and I on the
same page. Since I am in agreement with the way you are handling it, I would
be trying to get him on *my* page :) Also, you could discuss it with your
ped if you are comfortable with that. It is not a medical thing, exactly,
but experienced peds have seen a lot of kids.

[Beth Kevles]

Hi --

Your DH needs to learn about the concept of setting limits. Whether he
reads a book, hears it from an expert (ie in a class) whom he respects
or gets it from your ped, he's NOT doing your DD a favor by giving in to
her every whim.

Children cry and whine and throw tantrums when they don't get their
way. That's part of being a child. It is the job of a parent to teach
them that they can't always have what they want, and to help them find
alternate ways of getting those things that they CAN have. Crying is
just not a good long-term strategy.

The source of the problem here really is your DH. He has to learn to
say "no".

Good luck,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

[Stephanie]

"Beth Kevles" > wrote in message
...
>
> Hi --
>
> Your DH needs to learn about the concept of setting limits. Whether he
> reads a book, hears it from an expert (ie in a class) whom he respects
> or gets it from your ped, he's NOT doing your DD a favor by giving in to
> her every whim.
>
> Children cry and whine and throw tantrums when they don't get their
> way. That's part of being a child. It is the job of a parent to teach
> them that they can't always have what they want, and to help them find
> alternate ways of getting those things that they CAN have. Crying is
> just not a good long-term strategy.
>
> The source of the problem here really is your DH. He has to learn to
> say "no".
>

This is not to say this will be easy since his parents feel the same way
that he does, apparently. Good luck!

[[email protected]]

>
> The source of the problem here really is your DH. He has to learn to
> say "no".
>
>

OP here. He says no to her when she does naughty things like bothering
baby, tearing up papers etc. He's just very attached to her and she to
him. So I don't want to label him as the source of problem if you know
what I mean!

Thanks.

[Nikki]

wrote:

> OP here. He says no to her when she does naughty things like bothering
> baby, tearing up papers etc. He's just very attached to her and she to
> him. So I don't want to label him as the source of problem if you know
> what I mean!

There isn't really anything you can do here other then be supportive of him
if he tries to make some changes. If he is getting to the end of his rope
with this situation he should maybe read a book or two in child development
and how to deal with this issue, and then come up with a plan. That plan
will most likely involve crying from your daughter. Your part in all of
this is just to be supportive of him. Read the same books, make sure you
are in agreement with the plan, and then offer *him* support while your dd
cries. :-/. He'll cave if he doesn't have someone helping him but *he*
needs to decide the situation needs to change and come to terms with that.

Also, if he is just giving in to her clinginess and desire for attention and
not all the other stuff it will just eventually rectify itself it just takes
a while. I know this from experience ;-) Some of it is most likely still a
result of having a new a baby and some an age/stage thing. Both of mine
were cling on's like that at that age. I listened to Luke scream for three
weeks when he was 3yo trying to get him to walk and I finally caved in and
started carrying him again. He's still 3 but no longer tantrums to be
carried around....he just grew out of it...regardless of all the doomsday
comments I received over it. Hunter was similarly attached to me at night
when he was in his 2's and yet he is sleeping on his own now at 5yo. That
did take a long time and it would have been acceptable to change it earlier
(even if he cried hard over it) I just didn't have the stamina :-)

I guess that was a rambling way of saying just leave them be if he isn't
willing to make some changes, and listen to some crying and tantruming. If
he wants it to change he needs to realize he needs to figure it out and you
can support him in following through.

--
Nikki

[Jeff]

"Beth Kevles" > wrote in message
...
>
> Hi --
>
> Your DH needs to learn about the concept of setting limits. Whether he
> reads a book, hears it from an expert (ie in a class) whom he respects
> or gets it from your ped, he's NOT doing your DD a favor by giving in to
> her every whim.

Plus giving every time is teaching her that DH will give into her every
whim.

It sounds like DH should spend more time with your baby, so you can spend
time with DD alone. Plus, it sounds like this will help DD understand that
DF is father to bother DD and the baby and needs to spend time with both.

(...)

[toto]

On 14 Mar 2005 07:18:06 -0800, wrote:

>DD (2y) is a very sweet and bright kid. The issue is she's very clingy
>to DH and imo somewhat manipulates him. Many times (almost 90% of the
>time) she won't let him go out of her sight to even take a shower etc.
>She instantly cries and sometimes rolls on the floor basically throws a
>fit. I told DH to ignore when she throws a fit. He says it's cruel to
>ignore and ignoring tells her that we don't care that she's upset. He
>just tells her again and again not to cry and if she cries too much he
>sits down with her and takes her in his lap and they play, etc. He says
>it's part of being a child and she'll outgrow it. He repeatedly tells
>her that if she wants something she just has to ask, no need to cry but
>it's not working either.

He is training her that having tantrums works to get her what she
wants.

Unless she is actually hurt (bleeding, bruised, etc.), you all need
to ignore the tantrums and go on about your business. The tantrums
*will* cease once they are no longer effective.

Now, that does not mean that you should ignore her real need for
attention and love and control. You should acknowledge her feelings
and give her the words to express them. Most two year olds are not
at a stage where they can do this yet. So, say things like *I see you
are very angry because I said no* or *It's really frustrating when you
can't put the puzzle together by yourself* or *I bet it makes you sad
when mommy can't play with you because she is nursing the baby.*

Also, make sure she has lots of time where you are playing with
her in positive ways. And acknowledge and encourage her when
she asks nicely for things. *I liked the way you said please when
you asked for your juice* or *You were really easy to understand
because you spoke so clearly,* etc.

Next, teach her to breathe out anger. Do this when you are playing
and she is calm. Try breathing exercises with her. Breathe in,
breathe out in a regular rhythm. Then when she starts a tantrum,
say *breathe* and breathe with her yourself. It's very hard to keep
up crying when you are breathing this way and it calms you down
too.

Note: both you and dh have to be on the same page with this.
If he won't do it, then it's up to him to deal with the problems he
is creating. It does her no favors to allow her to think that having
tantrums is a way to control others behavior. She should never
be punished for having a tantrum or feeling angry, but she needs
to be encouraged to learn better ways to express the feelings
and to get along with everyone in her world.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits