Parent in the Hospital

[P. Tierney]

I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.

My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.

So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
make anyone happy. So what to do?

The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
came to an understanding that I would only visit this
week when she could stay with her friend.

Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
won't even play with that friend if she is with another
kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
who happens to drop by the house.

So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
and I think she needed some familiar ground for
awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
effect on her emotional health, especially if she
burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
to multiple, comfortable friends?

Thanks.

SM

[Ericka Kammerer]

P. Tierney wrote:
> I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.

Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was
thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were
up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping
you busy :-(

> In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
> old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
> I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
> asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
> was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
> of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
> mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
> it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
> instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
> my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
> does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
> come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.
>
> So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
> center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
> if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
> But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
> make anyone happy. So what to do?

If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
groundwork and then provide a lot of support.
I think this is what I'd do in your shoes:
1) Build up the rehab center as somewhere nice and
friendly and welcoming and not scary. Make much of
how this is a new place, and build up this opportunity
to visit Mommy.
2) Explain to her that Mommy is doing much better and
misses her and is ready for a visit. If there are really
obvious things that she needs to know about Mom's condition
before she visits, explain those, but make a lot more
fuss about all the things about Mom that are the same.
3) Give her a job. Have her bring some things to
decorate Mommy's room or something like that. This will
give her something to focus on, rather than imagining all
the things that could be scary.
4) Make the first visit very short. Let her do her job,
whatever it is, and then leave (unless she's the one asking
to stay). It's okay if it's short. You'll work up to longer
visits as she's more comfortable.
5) Present a very upbeat and positive attitude yourself.
I know you're likely run ragged and worried yourself,
which makes it hard, but don't worry too much about preparing
her for all the bad or possibly scary things. Kids are much
more resilient than you think, and when you spend too much
time trying to prepare her for all the possible bad things,
you're just ratcheting up her anxiety level. She probably
imagines things are much worse than they are. You've got
a natural "break" here where you can visibly shift your
attitude (if necessary) and give a much brighter picture.

Once you have a successful short visit or two, I think things
will likely start going swimmingly. Try to get her visits
on a schedule, so it's a regular thing to look forward to.
It may be helpful to give her a job that she does consistently
at each visit (change/update Mommy's flowers, bring a new
picture she's drawn to put in a frame, or whatever). Get
some rituals going to give her something to hang on to.

> The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
> clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
> emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
> didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
> safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
> left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
> They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
> came to an understanding that I would only visit this
> week when she could stay with her friend.
>
> Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
> bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
> won't even play with that friend if she is with another
> kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
> fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
> She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
> who happens to drop by the house.
>
> So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
> and I think she needed some familiar ground for
> awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
> herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
> effect on her emotional health, especially if she
> burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
> to multiple, comfortable friends?

I think you may be over-interpreting a bit.
I agree that she probably wants to exert some control;
however, I'm not so sure that it's because she's
desperately in need of consistency or that she feels
unsafe. In fact, by playing into this by trying to
be very careful of her emotional health and moving
mountains to ensure that she only stays with one
caregiver, you may be making her more brittle. I'm
not meaning to downplay the stresses she's likely
under, or any fears she might actually have. But
I think most experts agree that in situations like
this, it actually becomes very important to maintain
the same expectations for behavior and other usual
routines. Do make more time for her yourself, and
give her safe outlets to express her feelings and
such, but when you lower the expectations for
behavior or cede to her too much of your parental
authority, that's actually very unsettling for a
child. It tells her that things are *SO* bad that
you are unable or unwilling to parent! Wow, that
*must* be really bad--worse than she imagined!
I would schedule the caregivers that you
would normally schedule and then expect her to
cope. Devise a schedule and share it with her.
Include things on the schedule that she will be
looking forward to, and also who she'll be with
while you're away. Build things up in a positive
way (without making too big a deal of them) and tell
her you know she can do this. She may throw a fit
when you leave her, but you must have confidence in
her ability to do this. She may also need to see
that she can throw a fit and everything is still
okay--you can manage, her caregiver can manage, and
most importantly, *she* can manage. Get her back on
her foundations as far as expectations go. *YOU*
need to be understanding and making allowances for
the stress she's under (i.e., don't wig out if she's
a bit off her game and give her plenty of time and
opportunities to talk and work through her frustrations),
but *she* needs to feel like her world is still in
order and she understands how to work within it.
What was unacceptable behavior before should be
unacceptable behavior now.
We went through lots of this sort of stuff
when my older ones were around this age, though it
was with older generations rather than with parents.
Kids can be very understanding of hospitals and
rehab centers and nursing homes and even some pretty
severe physical and mental issues. You just have
to take things in stride yourself (which, of course,
is hard when you're going through the stresses of
caregiving and dealing with hospitals and doctors
and all that). It will all work out if you have
faith in her competence.

Hope this helps some,
Ericka

[shinypenny]

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
> daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
> would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
> she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
> I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
> like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
> I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
> horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
> her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
> groundwork and then provide a lot of support.
> I think this is what I'd do in your shoes:

<snip list>

You might also try getting a cam and filming mom in the rehab center,
waving and saying hello to DD. Have DD make her own video for her mom
too. Or if you can set up a webcam thing where they can communicate and
see each other, without DD having to go to the center itself, that
would be even better. This approach may make DD less intimidated about
going to see her mom in person. She can get a good idea of what the
place is like before she has to set foot in the place itself.

jen

[bizby40]

"P. Tierney" > wrote in message
...
> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.

I have no help to offer, but wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear this.
I hope your wife is on the road to a complete recovery, and that you
have the support you need.

Bizby

[Banty]

In article >, Ericka Kammerer
says...
>
>P. Tierney wrote:
>> I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
>> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
>> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>>
>> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
>> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
>> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
>> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
>> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
>> to say how far she will come back.
>
> Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was
>thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were
>up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping
>you busy :-(
>
>> In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
>> old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
>> I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
>> asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
>> was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
>> of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
>> mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
>> it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
>> instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
>> my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
>> does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
>> come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.
>>
>> So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
>> center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
>> if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
>> But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
>> make anyone happy. So what to do?
>
> If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
>daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
>would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
>she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
>I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
>like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
>I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
>horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
>her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
>groundwork and then provide a lot of support.

It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds, and
show it to your daughter.

Banty


--

[Nan]

On Mon, 29 May 2006 10:56:19 -0400, "P. Tierney"
> wrote:

>I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
>It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
>be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
>My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
>weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
>it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
>months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
>speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
>to say how far she will come back.

I'm so sorry :-(
I've been wondering where you were.

Nan

[P. Tierney]

I'll add some other information while I have a moment:

-- The 16 month boy has been three times. Each visit
pleased my wife, but they only lasted a few minutes, getting
slightly better each time. He either didn't recognize her
(after four weeks) or has forgotten what she looks like,
though we've looked at pictures at home. She's not
disfigured, but was on tube feedings for 3.5 weeks,
so she doesn't look quite the same. And then there are
the various tubes, machines, and unfamiliar surroundings
to complicate things.

-- My daughter looked at the hospital with me, then she
visited with a friend, but only if they stayed in the waiting
room. The friend's mom asked if she'd like to go to the
hospital tonight, and she replied, "Sure, but I'm not
going to see mom."

-- She has seen some pictures of her. She was taken aback
at first glance, but looked at them all as I explained what
she was looking at.

-- I would say that she does have the same expectations
of her behaviour, but her routines are different. A parent is
usually always home. She hasn't had to stay with others
unwillingly before except on occasion. That she has had to
repeatedly has affected her behaviour, in some ways that are
predictable, and some that are not (like shutting off all but
one friend).There hasn't been any lowering of standards.
Life as a whole has changed, obviously quite drastically.


P. Tierney

[Jeff]

"P. Tierney" > wrote in message
...
>I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.


(...)

I am very sorry to hear this. I hope your wife is able to make a complete
recovery. This must have been very hard on you and your kids.

Is it possible for your wife to come home for a period, perhaps a few hours,
and more times as she gets better? Or perhaps, with the nice weather, your
wife could go outside at the rehab center, and you and your kids could meet
her outside. That might be easier for the kids. This is something you should
certainly bring up with the staff at the rehab center, and perhaps with your
kids' pediatrician. I am thinking that they will be able to connect you to
people who can help you deal with this crisis and help you help your kids.

Jeff

[Jeff]

"Banty" > wrote in message
...
> In article >, Ericka Kammerer
> says...

(...)

> It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds,
> and
> show it to your daughter.

Also, have your daughter and son make get well cards, pictures, etc., and
put them up in mommy's room. When they do see her, it will be something
familar and help things along.

Jeff

> Banty
>
>
> --
>

[Ericka Kammerer]

P. Tierney wrote:
> I'll add some other information while I have a moment:
>
> -- The 16 month boy has been three times. Each visit
> pleased my wife, but they only lasted a few minutes, getting
> slightly better each time. He either didn't recognize her
> (after four weeks) or has forgotten what she looks like,
> though we've looked at pictures at home. She's not
> disfigured, but was on tube feedings for 3.5 weeks,
> so she doesn't look quite the same. And then there are
> the various tubes, machines, and unfamiliar surroundings
> to complicate things.
>
> -- My daughter looked at the hospital with me, then she
> visited with a friend, but only if they stayed in the waiting
> room. The friend's mom asked if she'd like to go to the
> hospital tonight, and she replied, "Sure, but I'm not
> going to see mom."

My hunch would be that this is about her being
afraid her Mommy won't be the same/won't love her the
same/will be scary in some way.

> -- She has seen some pictures of her. She was taken aback
> at first glance, but looked at them all as I explained what
> she was looking at.

This may have contributed to the above, a bit.
Kids don't have all the context we do as adults to connect
up a person with a picture. If she saw a "normal" picture
of her mother, it would still be so different from her *real*
mother because it's just a remote, unemotional representation
of her mother. It doesn't embody anything that's of much
importance to her about her mother. When she *sees* and
*talks to* her mother, only then will she have some feeling
of reconnection and of hope that her Mommy is still the
Mommy she loves and who loves her.
I think if you can get her in there so she
can start to reconnect, you'll see a big difference.
You don't want to drag her in kicking and screaming,
but I think there are good odds that if you give her
(or help her choose) a job so that she can go in and
do her job and leave. She might feel comfortable enough
with such concrete expectations that she'll go willingly.
I wouldn't play up how much Mommy misses her, as that
might make her feel conflicted because she's not sure
she can be what Mommy needs.

> -- I would say that she does have the same expectations
> of her behaviour, but her routines are different. A parent is
> usually always home. She hasn't had to stay with others
> unwillingly before except on occasion. That she has had to
> repeatedly has affected her behaviour, in some ways that are
> predictable, and some that are not (like shutting off all but
> one friend).There hasn't been any lowering of standards.
> Life as a whole has changed, obviously quite drastically.

But if it was some benign circumstance that had
caused her to have to do this (let's say you had chosen
to do some part-time work outside the home or something
like that), would you have cut her the same slack with
limiting care providers or shutting out friends or
things like that? Or would you have expected that
she learn to cope with these things? I'm not saying
you've abandoned her parenting-wise. I'm just asking
if it's possible that you're trying to do too much
to accommodate her due to the current stresses--and
if in trying to do so, you're conveying the message
that you don't have confidence in her ability to cope
with the situation. I think you do have to be
understanding of her predicament, but at the same
time I don't think you need to accommodate her
desire for control in these areas. Even the way
you're framing the issue ("having to repeatedly
stay with others when she's unwilling") speaks to
a kind of negativity. I know that this situation
is difficult and I'm not saying that you should just
sweep all the bad stuff under the carpet. No doubt
she's missing her mom. But why isn't getting to
stay with other people a fun adventure to be looked
forward to? (Yeah, I know, a bit Pollyanna, but
how you frame the issue matters ;-) ) She's a
four and a half year old. She really can do this,
even though it will stretch her a bit and isn't
the way you would have planned for her.
Since summer is coming, what about the
possibility of finding a half day summer camp for
a week or two or something like that? That might get
some consistency and fun in a pleasurable way
for her while affording you some time to visit mom
yourself and deal with the various things you need
to deal with. I don't know if the timing would
work out, though. Around here, many of the camps
like that book up well in advance.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[P. Tierney]

"Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
. ..
> But why isn't getting to
> stay with other people a fun adventure to be looked
> forward to? (Yeah, I know, a bit Pollyanna, but
> how you frame the issue matters ;-) )

Because she doesn't look forward to it,
despite my framing it in a positive way to her.

Thanks for the advice given. Any other
perspectives would also to appreciated.


P. Tierney

[Rosalie B.]

Could she talk to her mom on the phone?

I suspect that she's picked up a lot of information and
mis-information from listening and half-hearing you deal with the very
worrisome condition of you dw. I found the best way to handle this
(in my case it was my dh being deployed and my dd was about your ds's
age) was to tell a story about a little girl whose [in your case]
mother was in the hospital where she couldn't see her daughter.

Banty > wrote:

>In article >, Ericka Kammerer
>says...
>>
>>P. Tierney wrote:
>>> I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
>>> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
>>> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>>>
>>> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
>>> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
>>> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
>>> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
>>> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
>>> to say how far she will come back.
>>
>> Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was
>>thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were
>>up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping
>>you busy :-(
>>
>>> In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
>>> old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
>>> I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
>>> asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
>>> was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
>>> of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
>>> mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
>>> it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
>>> instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
>>> my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
>>> does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
>>> come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.
>>>
>>> So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
>>> center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
>>> if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
>>> But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
>>> make anyone happy. So what to do?
>>
>> If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
>>daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
>>would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
>>she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
>>I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
>>like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
>>I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
>>horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
>>her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
>>groundwork and then provide a lot of support.
>
>It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds, and
>show it to your daughter.
>
>Banty

[Jeff]

"Rosalie B." > wrote in message
...
> Could she talk to her mom on the phone?
>
> I suspect that she's picked up a lot of information and
> mis-information from listening and half-hearing you deal with the very
> worrisome condition of you dw. I found the best way to handle this
> (in my case it was my dh being deployed and my dd was about your ds's
> age) was to tell a story about a little girl whose [in your case]
> mother was in the hospital where she couldn't see her daughter.

(...)

Also, having your daughter draw pictures and maybe tell stories about what
is happening with the family and mom may help her (and you and your son) a
lot.

Jeff

[[email protected]]

P. Tierney wrote:

> -- My daughter looked at the hospital with me, then she
> visited with a friend, but only if they stayed in the waiting
> room. The friend's mom asked if she'd like to go to the
> hospital tonight, and she replied, "Sure, but I'm not
> going to see mom."

I think it would help to simply plan a trip (or regular schedule of
trips) to visit announce it as a plan. Don't ask your daughter if she
wants to go. It is hard to decide, on your own accord, to do something
that is scary and new. It's a lot easier to go along with a plan
determined by a trusted other.

I think the transition to the rehab center is a good opportunity to
make this change in approach. Tell your daughter about the new place,
and how it will be great that we will all start going every Tuesday (or
whatever) to visit, and fold in the suggestions that everyone else in
this thread suggested -- give her a job, make the first visit very
short, etc.

Then just do it. Say brightly "tomorrow is the day..." "today is the
day...right after nap" etc. Then just go. She might just latch onto
your attitude and go in enthusastically. If she doesn't, go through
with the plan anyway, but just stay long enough to do do her job and
say hi, then leave.

Good luck, and I hope your wife improves quickly.

Jan

[Ericka Kammerer]

P. Tierney wrote:
> "Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
> . ..
>> But why isn't getting to
>> stay with other people a fun adventure to be looked
>> forward to? (Yeah, I know, a bit Pollyanna, but
>> how you frame the issue matters ;-) )
>
> Because she doesn't look forward to it,
> despite my framing it in a positive way to her.

;-) They don't always buy into it, but
they're much more likely to come around if you have
confidence in their ability to rise to the challenge
and come to enjoy it than if you are worried that
they're being emotionally harmed by it. Also,
if you really believe that it's a fine and reasonably
positive thing for her to be doing this, it makes
it easier for you to parent because you're not
starting out feeling guilty for her being thrown
into this situation and torn over how to meet the
needs of everyone in the family in these difficult
times. I just think you don't have to worry about
the emotional harm of having to stay with different
sitters while you're visiting your wife. As long as
DD is with caring people, she will adjust fine (even if
not quite as quickly as you'd like) if you are not
conflicted over her having to do that. If you are
conflicted, she will smell that from a mile away
and it will make it more difficult for her to adjust.
If she senses that she can bid for more control over
the situation, she naturally will.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[Welches]

"P. Tierney" > wrote in message
...
>I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.
>
> In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
> old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
> I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
> asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
> was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
> of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
> mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
> it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
> instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
> my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
> does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
> come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.
>
> So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
> center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
> if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
> But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
> make anyone happy. So what to do?
>
> The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
> clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
> emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
> didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
> safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
> left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
> They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
> came to an understanding that I would only visit this
> week when she could stay with her friend.
>
> Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
> bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
> won't even play with that friend if she is with another
> kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
> fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
> She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
> who happens to drop by the house.
>
> So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
> and I think she needed some familiar ground for
> awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
> herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
> effect on her emotional health, especially if she
> burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
> to multiple, comfortable friends?
>
Sorry to hear your news. Hope she recovers quickly.
I think the reaction you're getting sounds normal for that age. Could you
get Granny or someone like that down to help look after her? She might feel
more secure with 2 adults around.
Would your dd like to make something for mummy? A card, or a picture. Then
maybe your wife could send a little note back. All this will help her to
realise that mummy is still there and she loves her. even if she won't go to
visit, then sending post back and forward will help. I think photos/videos
are a good idea too-either way if your dd will say "love you mummy" nicely
on camera. You could suggest she comes to give it-don't push, but suggest.
Maybe another way would be for dd to buy your wife something to wear (say a
necklace) and see if she wants to see mummy wearing it. Or sweets to share?
Maybe she thinks you might leave her too at the hospital? I'd also be
prepared or her not wanting to leave mummy once you do get her in to see
her, because they can swing so easily the other way.
Debbie

[Jeanne]

P. Tierney wrote:
> I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.

I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope your wife makes a full
recovery and comes home soon.

> So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
> center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
> if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
> But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
> make anyone happy. So what to do?
>
[snip]
>
> So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
> and I think she needed some familiar ground for
> awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
> herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
> effect on her emotional health, especially if she
> burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
> to multiple, comfortable friends?
>

I don't have any specific advice - except is it possible to get some
sort of family therapist or behavioral therapist for your daughter? I
think working on #2 may help resolve #1.

Jeanne

[cara]

P. Tierney wrote:

> I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.
>
> In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
> old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
> I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
> asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
> was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
> of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
> mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
> it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
> instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
> my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
> does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
> come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.
>
> So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
> center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
> if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
> But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
> make anyone happy. So what to do?
>
> The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
> clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
> emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
> didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
> safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
> left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
> They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
> came to an understanding that I would only visit this
> week when she could stay with her friend.
>
> Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
> bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
> won't even play with that friend if she is with another
> kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
> fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
> She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
> who happens to drop by the house.
>
> So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
> and I think she needed some familiar ground for
> awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
> herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
> effect on her emotional health, especially if she
> burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
> to multiple, comfortable friends?
>
> Thanks.
>
> SM
>
>

Sorry to hear about this news - best wishes for a speedy and full
recovery for your wife.

It sounds like your daughter has a lot of anxiety in general, of course
due to the sudden changes and stresses in the household. If I remember
from some of your previous posts, she is a bright little person....If it
were me I think I would have a detailed, up-front, but kid-friendly
discussion about the situation - what to expect for the coming few
weeks, what mom's capabiities are, why she is staying at the rehab, what
they will be helping her with, etc....describe the rehab place and let
her know that its not the hospital, that she isn't (or is, as the case
may be?) hooked up to all the machines anymore, and that there isn't
anything scary about the place, etc, .....I don't know, I'm sure you've
already done that. I just think that knowledge is power, and we
underestimate kids' abilities to grasp all of that.

I agree with another poster about setting a plan in motion and say hey,
we have a special appointment tomorrow to see mom at her new place where
they are helping her do x, y and z....mom is so excited to see you, lets
take her something (a card, picture, flowers) to help her feel
better....then after we visit mom, lets go get an ice cream! (reward at
the end of the visit). She will likely feel less anxiety after she sees
mom, where she is, etc, knows what to expect. As much as you can lessen
her anxieties about the situation, the other issues of alienating
friends and acting out will likely subside too. Maybe once she sees her
mom and that its a fun outing (make it fun, ie: take her to the dollar
store after to buy a treat, etc), she might come more often, and be
'left' less often with friends. On the days you go in alone, could you
hire a local teenage girl to stay at your house and play with the kids
rather than taking her elsewhere? Being at home might minimize her
anxieties. I don't know, just throwing out ideas....

Tough situation, best of luck to you.

cara

[Caledonia]

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> P. Tierney wrote:
> > I'll add some other information while I have a moment:
> >
> > -- The 16 month boy has been three times. Each visit
> > pleased my wife, but they only lasted a few minutes, getting
> > slightly better each time. He either didn't recognize her
> > (after four weeks) or has forgotten what she looks like,
> > though we've looked at pictures at home. She's not
> > disfigured, but was on tube feedings for 3.5 weeks,
> > so she doesn't look quite the same. And then there are
> > the various tubes, machines, and unfamiliar surroundings
> > to complicate things.
> >
> > -- My daughter looked at the hospital with me, then she
> > visited with a friend, but only if they stayed in the waiting
> > room. The friend's mom asked if she'd like to go to the
> > hospital tonight, and she replied, "Sure, but I'm not
> > going to see mom."
>
> My hunch would be that this is about her being
> afraid her Mommy won't be the same/won't love her the
> same/will be scary in some way.
>
> > -- She has seen some pictures of her. She was taken aback
> > at first glance, but looked at them all as I explained what
> > she was looking at.
>
> This may have contributed to the above, a bit.
> Kids don't have all the context we do as adults to connect
> up a person with a picture. If she saw a "normal" picture
> of her mother, it would still be so different from her *real*
> mother because it's just a remote, unemotional representation
> of her mother. It doesn't embody anything that's of much
> importance to her about her mother. When she *sees* and
> *talks to* her mother, only then will she have some feeling
> of reconnection and of hope that her Mommy is still the
> Mommy she loves and who loves her.

P., I'm so very sorry to hear about this, and hope that your DW
continues to improve.

Wanted to add (although I don't know about your DW, but have a sibling
who spent a bit of time in rehab) that explaining any communication
changes can be helpful; if DW isn't entirely clear in speech,
explaining that upfront can be helpful.

> I think if you can get her in there so she
> can start to reconnect, you'll see a big difference.
> You don't want to drag her in kicking and screaming,
> but I think there are good odds that if you give her
> (or help her choose) a job so that she can go in and
> do her job and leave. She might feel comfortable enough
> with such concrete expectations that she'll go willingly.
> I wouldn't play up how much Mommy misses her, as that
> might make her feel conflicted because she's not sure
> she can be what Mommy needs.

I *would* play up that DD can/does have a job waiting for her at the
rehab, though -- ime, there's a bulletin board for each pt, and
selecting and rotating the photos is a great task for a 4 yo. It will
also give the two of you an opportunity to talk about the photos, and
maybe give DD something to 'say' (given the hiatus in communication,
kids can be unnerved regarding what to say) when she sees her mom.

> > -- I would say that she does have the same expectations
> > of her behaviour, but her routines are different. A parent is
> > usually always home. She hasn't had to stay with others
> > unwillingly before except on occasion. That she has had to
> > repeatedly has affected her behaviour, in some ways that are
> > predictable, and some that are not (like shutting off all but
> > one friend).There hasn't been any lowering of standards.
> > Life as a whole has changed, obviously quite drastically.
>
> But if it was some benign circumstance that had
> caused her to have to do this (let's say you had chosen
> to do some part-time work outside the home or something
> like that), would you have cut her the same slack with
> limiting care providers or shutting out friends or
> things like that? Or would you have expected that
> she learn to cope with these things? I'm not saying
> you've abandoned her parenting-wise. I'm just asking
> if it's possible that you're trying to do too much
> to accommodate her due to the current stresses--and
> if in trying to do so, you're conveying the message
> that you don't have confidence in her ability to cope
> with the situation. I think you do have to be
> understanding of her predicament, but at the same
> time I don't think you need to accommodate her
> desire for control in these areas. Even the way
> you're framing the issue ("having to repeatedly
> stay with others when she's unwilling") speaks to
> a kind of negativity. I know that this situation
> is difficult and I'm not saying that you should just
> sweep all the bad stuff under the carpet. No doubt
> she's missing her mom.

Just hazarding a guess, she may be missing her mom, and concerned that
if you go away (to visit, or just to go out), you, too, will not be
back for a loong time, or that you'll return changed in some way.

> But why isn't getting to
> stay with other people a fun adventure to be looked
> forward to? (Yeah, I know, a bit Pollyanna, but
> how you frame the issue matters ;-) ) She's a
> four and a half year old. She really can do this,
> even though it will stretch her a bit and isn't
> the way you would have planned for her.

I can completely understand the point of framing the issue -- at the
same time, it can help to acknowledge how she's feeling (one of those
'mirroring' conversations), and not just be one-way 'positive
adventures await you at X house.' I'm not advocating being apologetic
about this, but (due entirely to my own personal experiences) feel
uncomfortable with always trying to put the bright and sunny spin on
things that aren't really bright and sunny. I think that kids can see
through that (even at 4) and infer that hiding how they feel, if it's
not positive, is the acceptable (desirable) thing to do.

My sincere wishes for a speedy recovery for your DW.

Caledonia

[toto]

On Mon, 29 May 2006 10:56:19 -0400, "P. Tierney"
> wrote:

>My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
>weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
>it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
>months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
>speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
>to say how far she will come back.

Not much advice to add. I think several people have given you good
options, but I am really sorry to hear that your dw was so ill. I
hope she completely recovers and that any other problems get
resolved.

((((((((((((((((((P.)))))))))))))))))))))))


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

[Chookie]

In article >,
"P. Tierney" > wrote:

> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.

No advice, but I wanted to pass on my best wishes for your DW's recovery.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue

[Banty]

In article >, P. Tierney says...
>
>I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
>It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
>be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
>My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
>weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
>it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
>months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
>speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
>to say how far she will come back.

I don't have much advice in this area, but I want to express my wishes for your
wife's speedy recovery.

Banty


--

[Ericka Kammerer]

Caledonia wrote:
> Ericka Kammerer wrote:

>> I think if you can get her in there so she
>> can start to reconnect, you'll see a big difference.
>> You don't want to drag her in kicking and screaming,
>> but I think there are good odds that if you give her
>> (or help her choose) a job so that she can go in and
>> do her job and leave. She might feel comfortable enough
>> with such concrete expectations that she'll go willingly.
>> I wouldn't play up how much Mommy misses her, as that
>> might make her feel conflicted because she's not sure
>> she can be what Mommy needs.
>
> I *would* play up that DD can/does have a job waiting for her at the
> rehab, though -- ime, there's a bulletin board for each pt, and
> selecting and rotating the photos is a great task for a 4 yo. It will
> also give the two of you an opportunity to talk about the photos, and
> maybe give DD something to 'say' (given the hiatus in communication,
> kids can be unnerved regarding what to say) when she sees her mom.

I agree completely. I think you want to play
up what she legitimately *can* do and would feel relatively
comfortable doing to make it clear that she can be a part
of this experience in a controlled way (i.e., without
getting in over her head and getting stuck in a situation
where she can't meet expectations of her). I think even
4yos--especially bright ones--can look forward to unknown
situations and be afraid that the situation will spiral
out of control. What if she can't do what Mommy needs?
Daddy is probably tired and stressed from dealing with
the situation, and if Daddy is tired and stressed, how
can she manage it? Those little pitchers have *very*
big ears at that age, but they don't hear everything and
they misunderstand half of what they *do* hear ;-) So,
playing up how she has a specific job to do can really
give a sense of control and help her understand that
there aren't expectations of her that she might not be
able to handle.

> Just hazarding a guess, she may be missing her mom, and concerned that
> if you go away (to visit, or just to go out), you, too, will not be
> back for a loong time, or that you'll return changed in some way.

After all, it *did* happen to Mommy!

>> But why isn't getting to
>> stay with other people a fun adventure to be looked
>> forward to? (Yeah, I know, a bit Pollyanna, but
>> how you frame the issue matters ;-) ) She's a
>> four and a half year old. She really can do this,
>> even though it will stretch her a bit and isn't
>> the way you would have planned for her.
>
> I can completely understand the point of framing the issue -- at the
> same time, it can help to acknowledge how she's feeling (one of those
> 'mirroring' conversations), and not just be one-way 'positive
> adventures await you at X house.' I'm not advocating being apologetic
> about this, but (due entirely to my own personal experiences) feel
> uncomfortable with always trying to put the bright and sunny spin on
> things that aren't really bright and sunny. I think that kids can see
> through that (even at 4) and infer that hiding how they feel, if it's
> not positive, is the acceptable (desirable) thing to do.

I do agree with that. I think 4yos generally can
handle the idea that there are things we do because we
have to, even if we don't like it very much, and that
we handle it with as much grace as we can muster. There's
a fine line. I think what you *don't* want to do is
have an undercurrent of guilt in the parent that says
"It's bad to force her to stay with these different
people. We've planned our lives so as not to have to
do that in the past, and it really sucks that circumstances
have had to force us to do that now. It's not really
fair to her that she has to deal with caregivers at
this age. I feel terrible that she's having to deal
with this." If you feel that way inside, then no matter
how brightly you paint the situation, she's going to
sense that it's *wrong*. If, on the other hand, you
believe in your heart that she is strong and capable
and can have an enjoyable time staying with these
people, even though that wasn't your original plan,
then you can discuss with her that it isn't what
you'd have chosen, but circumstances have forced your
hand and you have faith that she can do this and
make the best of it. When you don't have that undercurrent
of guilt, worrying that going from caregiver to caregiver
is going to be emotionally harmful on top of the
current situation, children really sense the confidence
and are more likely to rise to the challenge. I don't
know if P. is feeling guilty about this or not, but
if he is, I think cutting himself a break and realizing
that she is very capable of coping and even multiple
caregivers on an odd schedule isn't going to damage
her might lighten his load a tad and, more importantly,
bolster her confidence. I see this a lot in families
who are going through crises--and it's very understandable.
You work hard to protect your kids from these sorts of
things! It's normal to feel guilty and sad that
circumstances have put you in a position that you
didn't choose. But kids are often much stronger than
we give them credit for, and we do them no favors by
not having confidence in their ability to cope.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[shinypenny]

P. Tierney wrote:

> Thanks for the advice given. Any other
> perspectives would also to appreciated.

Bear in mind that kids this age do a lot of magical thinking, and they
can often feel responsible for bad things that happen. It could be that
your DD has somehow gotten it into her head that she is responsible for
her mom's illness. It could be something as silly as that day she had a
bad thought about mom, she didn't eat all her peas like she was
supposed to, or she stepped on a crack in the sidewalk! Or she may have
made a deal with God that her mom will be okay if only she sacrifices
visits to the hospital.

jen

[Irene]

I have no advice to add, but I am so sorry to hear about your wife.

Irene

[Stephanie]

"P. Tierney" > wrote in message
...
>I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
> It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
> be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.
>
> My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
> weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
> it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
> months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
> speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
> to say how far she will come back.
>
> In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
> old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
> I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
> asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
> was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
> of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
> mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
> it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
> instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
> my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
> does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
> come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.
>
> So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
> center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
> if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
> But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
> make anyone happy. So what to do?
>
> The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
> clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
> emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
> didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
> safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
> left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
> They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
> came to an understanding that I would only visit this
> week when she could stay with her friend.
>
> Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
> bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
> won't even play with that friend if she is with another
> kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
> fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
> She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
> who happens to drop by the house.
>
> So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
> and I think she needed some familiar ground for
> awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
> herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
> effect on her emotional health, especially if she
> burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
> to multiple, comfortable friends?
>
> Thanks.
>
> SM
>
>

I have no advice. I only want to wish you the best. This sounds extremely
difficult.

[P. Tierney]

"cara" wrote:
>
> It sounds like your daughter has a lot of anxiety in general, of course
> due to the sudden changes and stresses in the household. If I remember
> from some of your previous posts, she is a bright little person....If it
> were me I think I would have a detailed, up-front, but kid-friendly
> discussion about the situation - what to expect for the coming few weeks,
> what mom's capabiities are, why she is staying at the rehab, what they
> will be helping her with, etc....describe the rehab place and let her know
> that its not the hospital, that she isn't (or is, as the case may be?)
> hooked up to all the machines anymore, and that there isn't anything scary
> about the place, etc, .....I don't know, I'm sure you've already done
> that. I just think that knowledge is power, and we underestimate kids'
> abilities to grasp all of that.

Pretty much. It all started when relatives from all over,
some never seen before, flew in unannounced. I think she
picked up early on how serious it all is.

She'll enter the rehab center on Wednesday instead, and
I'll get a lengthy visit in at the time. After a break with me,
she did well with the "aunt" sitter today, and helped me
choose the one for tomorrow, so I think she needed a
few days of stability.

Also, to answer an earlier question, my spouse cannot
speak well. She has a trach in, is starting to make some sound,
but is aways off from sounding audible to a kid, much less
in her "normal" voice. So, no phone conversations are in
the works.

> I agree with another poster about setting a plan in motion and say hey, we
> have a special appointment tomorrow to see mom at her new place where they
> are helping her do x, y and z....mom is so excited to see you, lets take
> her something (a card, picture, flowers) to help her feel better....then
> after we visit mom, lets go get an ice cream! (reward at the end of the
> visit). She will likely feel less anxiety after she sees mom, where she
> is, etc, knows what to expect. As much as you can lessen her anxieties
> about the situation, the other issues of alienating friends and acting out
> will likely subside too. Maybe once she sees her mom and that its a fun
> outing (make it fun, ie: take her to the dollar store after to buy a
> treat, etc), she might come more often, and be 'left' less often with
> friends. On the days you go in alone, could you hire a local teenage girl
> to stay at your house and play with the kids rather than taking her
> elsewhere? Being at home might minimize her anxieties. I don't know,
> just throwing out ideas....

It's sort of split between just taking her there, in a
matter-of-fact fashion, versus prepping her as much as
needed. And various things in between. Once I check
out the place, I'll think about what will work best for
my daughter and take it from there.

Thanks for the varied advice. So long, and a good
summer to all.


P. Tierney

[Caledonia]

P. Tierney wrote:
> "cara" wrote:
> >
> > It sounds like your daughter has a lot of anxiety in general, of course
> > due to the sudden changes and stresses in the household. If I remember
> > from some of your previous posts, she is a bright little person....If it
> > were me I think I would have a detailed, up-front, but kid-friendly
> > discussion about the situation - what to expect for the coming few weeks,
> > what mom's capabiities are, why she is staying at the rehab, what they
> > will be helping her with, etc....describe the rehab place and let her know
> > that its not the hospital, that she isn't (or is, as the case may be?)
> > hooked up to all the machines anymore, and that there isn't anything scary
> > about the place, etc, .....I don't know, I'm sure you've already done
> > that. I just think that knowledge is power, and we underestimate kids'
> > abilities to grasp all of that.
>
> Pretty much. It all started when relatives from all over,
> some never seen before, flew in unannounced. I think she
> picked up early on how serious it all is.
>
> She'll enter the rehab center on Wednesday instead, and
> I'll get a lengthy visit in at the time. After a break with me,
> she did well with the "aunt" sitter today, and helped me
> choose the one for tomorrow, so I think she needed a
> few days of stability.
>
> Also, to answer an earlier question, my spouse cannot
> speak well. She has a trach in, is starting to make some sound,
> but is aways off from sounding audible to a kid, much less
> in her "normal" voice. So, no phone conversations are in
> the works.
>
> > I agree with another poster about setting a plan in motion and say hey, we
> > have a special appointment tomorrow to see mom at her new place where they
> > are helping her do x, y and z....mom is so excited to see you, lets take
> > her something (a card, picture, flowers) to help her feel better....then
> > after we visit mom, lets go get an ice cream! (reward at the end of the
> > visit). She will likely feel less anxiety after she sees mom, where she
> > is, etc, knows what to expect. As much as you can lessen her anxieties
> > about the situation, the other issues of alienating friends and acting out
> > will likely subside too. Maybe once she sees her mom and that its a fun
> > outing (make it fun, ie: take her to the dollar store after to buy a
> > treat, etc), she might come more often, and be 'left' less often with
> > friends. On the days you go in alone, could you hire a local teenage girl
> > to stay at your house and play with the kids rather than taking her
> > elsewhere? Being at home might minimize her anxieties. I don't know,
> > just throwing out ideas....
>
> It's sort of split between just taking her there, in a
> matter-of-fact fashion, versus prepping her as much as
> needed. And various things in between. Once I check
> out the place, I'll think about what will work best for
> my daughter and take it from there.
>
> Thanks for the varied advice. So long, and a good
> summer to all.
>
>
> P. Tierney

Just one more piece of advice -- there's a service called Carepages
(www.carepages.com) that we've been using for updates on a family
friend's condition. It's a free service (the pt in question is at
Children's, but you don't need to be affiliated with a specific
facility), and spares the primary caregiver from also spending oodles
of time making sure that everyone is getting the latest news (as well
as preventing information from being mangled).

It can be helpful at a time like this. Again, my sympathies and
heartfelt wishes for a speedy recovery for DW.

Caledonia

[Akuvikate]

I'm very sorry to hear about your wife's illness.

One suggestion to add to the very comprehensive advice here -- if your
wife's hospital has a pediatric floor, you could ask to talk to the
Child Life specialists. They work with sick children and their
families, including sibilings. These issues can come up when a sibling
is sick and Child Life professionals are as a rule very warm, caring,
dedicated people.

Best of luck.
Kate, ignorant foot soldier of the medical cartel
and the Bug, almost 3 years old