How to train a boy to behave properly.

[Pink cat]

Last week we went a dinner. Everybody was quiet with good behavior
except my sixteen-month-old son. He not only dropped his cup many
times, but also screamed loudly when he was sitting on highchair. My
DH and I were very upset. My DH noticed a little girl who was about
the same age as my son age sat on her highchair without any bad
behavior during the whole dinnertime. We want to know how to train a
boy to behave properly.

[Nan]

On 27 Nov 2006 18:12:37 -0800, "Pink cat" >
wrote:

>Last week we went a dinner. Everybody was quiet with good behavior
>except my sixteen-month-old son. He not only dropped his cup many
>times, but also screamed loudly when he was sitting on highchair. My
>DH and I were very upset. My DH noticed a little girl who was about
>the same age as my son age sat on her highchair without any bad
>behavior during the whole dinnertime. We want to know how to train a
>boy to behave properly.

Okay, I'll bite and assume you're not a troll.
At 16 months of age it's *Normal* behavior to drop a cup and use their
voice loudly. If you expect him to sit quietly through dinner I think
you're going to be severely disappointed.

What you *can* do if you wish to curb the behavior is to stop the meal
and leave when he behaves like that. But I suspect you're going to be
leaving a lot of unfinished meals sitting on the table! Your best bet
is to proceed slowly and patronize restaurants where noisy children
aren't frowned upon.

Nan

[Beth Kevles]

Hi --

The difference is NOT that a boy is poorly behaved and a girl is not.
The difference is with different personalities, different ages (even a
few weeks can make a difference), different levels of fatigue and
hunger, or some combination of these all.

A 16-month old is not supposed to be going out to dinner. He is not
supposed to be "behaving well" at the table. He IS supposed to be
making noise, fretting, experimenting with what happens when you drop
things, and in myriad other ways doing things that just aren't suitable
at a restaurant.

The next time you want to go out for dinner, leave the baby with a
sitter. By the time he's 30 months you can probably take him to a
kid-friendly place like McDonald's or Friendly's to start learning
restaurant behavior, but unless you're lucky in his personality, you
won't be able to take him to sit-down-behave places for a few years
yet. And that's FINE.

My two cents,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

[Donna Metler]

"Beth Kevles" > wrote in message
...
>
> Hi --
>
> The difference is NOT that a boy is poorly behaved and a girl is not.
> The difference is with different personalities, different ages (even a
> few weeks can make a difference), different levels of fatigue and
> hunger, or some combination of these all.
>
> A 16-month old is not supposed to be going out to dinner. He is not
> supposed to be "behaving well" at the table. He IS supposed to be
> making noise, fretting, experimenting with what happens when you drop
> things, and in myriad other ways doing things that just aren't suitable
> at a restaurant.
>
> The next time you want to go out for dinner, leave the baby with a
> sitter. By the time he's 30 months you can probably take him to a
> kid-friendly place like McDonald's or Friendly's to start learning
> restaurant behavior, but unless you're lucky in his personality, you
> won't be able to take him to sit-down-behave places for a few years
> yet. And that's FINE.
>
I don't agree here. We don't take DD (just turned 2) to fancy restaurants,
but we've been going out to small ethnic restaurants and occasional family
style restaurants with her since she was born, and while her behavior isn't
always perfect, she's definitely gotten better at it with practice, and so
have we. Most of the places we go recognize us and welcome us and her. And
she's not a perfect angel of a child, either.

A few suggestions:

1) Family friendly restaurants, not at peak time of day (early in the
evening or after the regular dinner hour if your child is a night owl as
mine is) so the restaurant isn't crowded and service is faster. We've found
that small ethnic food restaurants tend to be very family friendly (one of
our favorites has the owners children, ranging in age from 9 to about 2 who
spend the evenings next to the cashier's counter-the older ones doing
homework, reading, or playing Yu-Gi-oH, the younger ones playing with toys,
toddling on the floor, and being watched by the older ones. And my daughter
isn't the only one who will go over and play with the owner's children while
waiting for our food order to be ready).

In my experience, the WORST behavior comes at restaurants like McDonalds,
especially ones with playlands. There is just too much going on for a
toddler to feel safe, and too much bad behavior being modeled. I would not
suggest them as places to teach public behavior for that reason.

2) Quick service in general. Know what you want before you arrive, and order
everything with the drink order (or even call ahead with your order).
Chances are good that you don't ask your child to sit and wait for food at
home, so no, he's not going to behave well at sitting and waiting then. You
won't have time for a multi-course meal, and whatever comes first WILL be
the meal for your child, so you might as well make sure the real food is out
there all at once.

3) Have a few small, quiet things to use at the table and ONLY at the table.
A small magnadoodle works well for us, as do Alli's favorite plastic bears
and a small toy car or two.

4) If the food's not here yet, consider having one parent take the child
outside for a short walk, or, if there's a waiting area, to go there where
the child can move around a bit. Again, you want things to be as much like
home as possible.

5) The closer your home manners are to restaurant manners, the better off
you are. For example, if you're lax about taking the plate away when your
child starts dropping food on the floor at home, they're going to do it when
out, too. If you require your child to stay at the table until everyone is
finished at home, they'll be much better able to handle it at a restaurant
meal.

6) Don't take fussy, sleepy, sick, or crabby kids out, even if you're
totally exhausted and can't even stand the sight of the kitchen. This is
what take-out was invented for. And if a child starts getting fussy, sleepy,
sick, or crabby, that's what two parents are needed for-one parent takes the
child out, while the other gets the food boxed for takeout and pays the
check. You know your child's signs of frustration, and be proactive on this.
My daughter hasn't yet had a tantrum in a restaurant, but she's had several
tantrums in the car outside restaurants when she took exception to something
and started to rev up. And if you have a kid who can go from happy to
screaming in 2.5 seconds, maybe going out isn't a good idea right now.

7) Clean up the area as best you can before you leave, and tip well. Most of
the places we go know us, and are willing to accommodate us very easily and
quickly, and I believe that these last two things are why they like us, even
with a toddler in tow.

[andrea baker]

Hmmmm. You want to teach him some self-conTROLL, do you? I'll tell
you from long experience that it's hard to do this with a
sixteen-month-old. Perhaps you could just pick him up instead and take
him outside for a sTROLL. Or, you could take him for a drive in the
car to quiet him down, but that would waste peTROLL. I suppose you
could whack him around the head and say "shut up you little brat and
stop dropping things," but someone would probably see and call the
police and one would show up and catch you in the act; there are always
lots of them out on paTROLL.

Andrea Baker


Pink cat wrote:
> Last week we went a dinner. Everybody was quiet with good behavior
> except my sixteen-month-old son. He not only dropped his cup many
> times, but also screamed loudly when he was sitting on highchair. My
> DH and I were very upset. My DH noticed a little girl who was about
> the same age as my son age sat on her highchair without any bad
> behavior during the whole dinnertime. We want to know how to train a
> boy to behave properly.

[Welches]

"Pink cat" > wrote in message
ups.com...
> Last week we went a dinner. Everybody was quiet with good behavior
> except my sixteen-month-old son. He not only dropped his cup many
> times, but also screamed loudly when he was sitting on highchair. My
> DH and I were very upset. My DH noticed a little girl who was about
> the same age as my son age sat on her highchair without any bad
> behavior during the whole dinnertime. We want to know how to train a
> boy to behave properly.
>
<Grin>
With #1 I would have been the one with the little girl. People would point
her out in restaurants/while shopping/when watching something how good she
was. She could sit still and quiet for a couple of hours and not mind being
in the highchair. She was like this from 6 months onwards.
#2 hated being confined to a place. She, at just 3 yo, has realised in the
last 6 months that there are times you have to sit still, and not get up.
She still isn't brilliant but she will figure out reasons (toilet is the
main one) why she needs to get up and wander around. At 16 months she
wouldn't go in the highchair without very loud noise and bribery and would
get up when she'd had enough-usually after a couple of bites. And she could
climb out of 5 point harneses so she would be out of a highchair when she
wanted to.

It's not ime, at that age, training. It's personality.

My advice would be if you are going to somewhere like a restaurant take some
things that are a treat for him to have. #2 always reacted well to having a
proper grown up glass and straw. I'd take a bag of things that I could
produce one after the other as she got bored.
BUT be ready to take them out for a look round outside when you're waiting
for the food to be brought to you. Ask for a seat by the window so you can
look outside and talk about what's outside. Don't expect him to sit still
all the time because if he hasn't got the pesonality then you're expecting
too much. And when he has sat still make sure you praise him.
Debbie

[Banty]

In article >, Donna Metler says...
>
>

Donna's suggestions are great. I would only add, to have a plan to leave and go
home, possibly having the meal packed up, for the possibility that your boy acts
up in a way that's truly disruptive to other diners and the child can't be
quieted down.

But there really is no reason to not go to 'real' restaurants (and small ethnic
eateries are great), even to 'fancy' restaurants for some kids.

Banty

[Marie]

"Pink cat" > wrote in message
ups.com...
> Last week we went a dinner. Everybody was quiet with good behavior
> except my sixteen-month-old son. He not only dropped his cup many
> times, but also screamed loudly when he was sitting on highchair. My
> DH and I were very upset. My DH noticed a little girl who was about
> the same age as my son age sat on her highchair without any bad
> behavior during the whole dinnertime. We want to know how to train a
> boy to behave properly.
>

Um, you can't assume that the other kids you see are always behaved. You
happened to catch the little girl in a good moment, but you don't see daily
how she acts at home or elsewhere.

Your son was being normal for his age. He is not being bad or good; he is
just 16 months old, for goodness' sake. Personally, I didn't take DD to
restaurants till she was much older. So far, at age 2.5 to almost 3, she has
done very well. I was in no mood to try and teach her manners at the other
diners' expense and discomfort when she was younger, and she is a late
bloomer. If you still want to take the boy to restaurants, implement what
the others here have suggested.

[Stephanie]

"Beth Kevles" > wrote in message
...
>
> Hi --
>
> The difference is NOT that a boy is poorly behaved and a girl is not.
> The difference is with different personalities, different ages (even a
> few weeks can make a difference), different levels of fatigue and
> hunger, or some combination of these all.
>
> A 16-month old is not supposed to be going out to dinner. He is not
> supposed to be "behaving well" at the table. He IS supposed to be
> making noise, fretting, experimenting with what happens when you drop
> things, and in myriad other ways doing things that just aren't suitable
> at a restaurant.
>
> The next time you want to go out for dinner, leave the baby with a
> sitter. By the time he's 30 months you can probably take him to a
> kid-friendly place like McDonald's or Friendly's to start learning
> restaurant behavior, but unless you're lucky in his personality, you
> won't be able to take him to sit-down-behave places for a few years
> yet. And that's FINE.
>


That was not our experience at all. My kids went to restaurants, certainly
not Chez A La Foofy, but 99 and the like since they were teeny. At this age,
the key is to bring plenty of positive distractions and the like to prevent
the screaming meanies. And do NOT expect behavior suddenly at a restaurant
that is not expected at home. And be prepared to leave if needs be.

> My two cents,
> --Beth Kevles
>
> http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
> Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
> advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.
>
> NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
> like me to reply.

[Rosalie B.]

"Marie" > wrote:
>
>"Pink cat" > wrote in message
ups.com...
>> Last week we went a dinner. Everybody was quiet with good behavior
>> except my sixteen-month-old son. He not only dropped his cup many
>> times, but also screamed loudly when he was sitting on highchair. My
>> DH and I were very upset. My DH noticed a little girl who was about
>> the same age as my son age sat on her highchair without any bad
>> behavior during the whole dinnertime. We want to know how to train a
>> boy to behave properly.
>>
>
>Um, you can't assume that the other kids you see are always behaved. You
>happened to catch the little girl in a good moment, but you don't see daily
>how she acts at home or elsewhere.
>
>Your son was being normal for his age. He is not being bad or good; he is
>just 16 months old, for goodness' sake. Personally, I didn't take DD to
>restaurants till she was much older. So far, at age 2.5 to almost 3, she has
>done very well. I was in no mood to try and teach her manners at the other
>diners' expense and discomfort when she was younger, and she is a late
>bloomer. If you still want to take the boy to restaurants, implement what
>the others here have suggested.
>
Some parents do not have a choice as to whether they take the kids to
a restaurant for a meal or not. If they are traveling or visiting
relatives away from home, a restaurant may be the only option. I
started taking my kids to various types of restaurants when they were
very young - as young as 3 months. Children that are used to
restaurants will know what to expect.

My advice would be

1) Pick a restaurant with quick service if at all possible. Doesn't
have to be MickeyD's, but some restaurants are quicker and/or more
organized than others. If you get stuck with a slow place, bag it and
leave.
2) Have the wait-person bring something for the kid to gnaw on right
away, and otherwise have food for the child - even bring something
with you. This goes for much older children too - even up to adults.
Maybe ask what things will be quick to order.
3) Go to the restaurant on the child's time-table. That is, don't
wait until everyone is hungry and cranky, or is tired and cranky or is
hungry AND tired and cranky.
4) If possible have something age appropriate for the child to do.
Play areas, crayons, games, TVs with cartoons, or new or favorite toys
that you bring with you for when you are waiting.
5) As others have said, be prepared to tag team with the child - one
of you take him outside and the other one order the dinner, then bring
the child in to eat and the one that eats fastest go out if the child
doesn't last for the whole meal.
6) Pay attention to the cues that the child gives you so that you can
nip things in the bud before they get to the meltdown stage.
7) Tip the wait-person well, even after you try to clean up your
mess.

[Beth Kevles]

Hi, again --

We took our kids to restaurants from time to time from the time they
were a few months old. And every time we swore that we'd never do such
a thing again! We used ALL the tips that have been suggested, but some
kids just aren't able to behave well at a restaurant. Personality
overwhelms parenting skills at 16 months of age ...

By the time the kids were 3 we could take them to kid-friendly places.
A couple of years ago we could start taking them to more refined
places. And both managed a very nice French restaurant (4-stars in the
depths of the French countryside) by the time they were 6 and 8. At
those ages, parenting was winning over innate personality!

If your very young child is able to handle a restaurant, then you have
my congratulations. But some kids just can't, and most kids can't
handle it at certain times, such as when they're unusually hungry, tired
or otherwise uncomfortable.

My two cents,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.